Throughout the turbulent history of Mankind there has prevailed upon many individuals and societies the deep suspicion that a secret group of elitist intellectuals have been unduly influencing the stern and unremitting march of human events.
Whenever something strange and abnormal occurs, such as an eclipse of the sun, or the election of a Republican majority, the shrieking mobs will find some one to punish for it.
Most of us have, at one time or another, been confronted (at least in print) by spurious proofs of such dominance. The Tri-Lateral Commission, the Catholic Church and Communism have all been ascribed with ambitions and power as well as the secret will to alter the fate of this, our Planet.
This type of delusion is common. Indeed, we can trace a multitude of such paranoic cycles through recorded history. As far back as 5000 B.C. the citizens of Jericho spoke in whispers of the evil ambitions of an un-named horn playing leader who sought the destruction of the marble-walled city, and many scholars feel that this suspicion among the populace helped to foment the rebellion that finally did destroy this fabled city.
It is known that the pre Indo-Aryan Dravidians who founded the Harrapa culture in what is now Iraq had the same fear of conspiracy as regards to the high priests of the Sumerians, who in turn feared the sub-rosa machinations of the Semitic peoples.
The list goes on and on. Closer to our own era we can examine the Crusades against the Saracens in the Holy land, and how these infamous raids resulted from the imperfect understanding of the bad-truths extant in that distant day. Almost inevitably the objects of these baseless conspiracy theories paid a toll in blood for the ignorant prejudices of their oafish neighbors.
In the middle ages there were many sects thought to be secret puppet-masters, and they were punished accordingly. Druids, Jacobeans, Huguenots and Rosicrucians all suffered in their turn, some unjustly. The Spanish Inquisition against the imaginary witches and servants of Satan lit a bon-fire of intolerance and bloodshed that eventually reached over the seas to the New World to taint the pristine meadows and rock-walled pastures of New England.
These manifestations share many similarities with viruses. One can never tell with certainty how they will spring up or what damage they will cause to areas and segments of society thought immune to their savage and insolent onslaughts. Today we have the afore-mentioned Tri-Lats, OPEC, and fundamentalist mobs of every superstition-ruled religious group on Earth to focus on as targets of suspicion.
However, new scientific research conducted here at the below-ground laboratories of ZONTAR magazine have revealed as indisputable fact the self-evident truth upon which we, the Editors, have based our entire existence as well as yours.
There can be only one true conspiracy upon this world, and any other is doomed to failure. No true conspiracy engendered on earth by tiny-minded hu-mans can presume to usurp the Grand Conspiracy conceived and executed by the Master amid the swirling and obstruent clouds of Venus, sister planet of Earth and worthy residence of mighty Zontar.
But is there indeed such a conspiracy, nurtured by the Master?
The answer: But of course.
What group could be integrated into such a vast and ponderous Plan? This group would have to be present in each level of society, equally represented among every nation, every city, every tribe and clan across this bloated orb that we call Earth.
They would have to be indigenous planet wide! Is there such an unimaginably homogenous group? Look around, deceived reader, look around.
They stand on every street, they walk down every road. The grand pawns of Zontar's vast conspiracy stare us in the face each and every day, projecting an aura of innocence and non-complicity with such a soothing lack of self-consciousness that they become invisible to us, yet the myrmidons of Zontar fondly regard them as the eagerest minions of the Venusian Vegetable Viking, ready, nay, slavering, to betray their birth-world to a harsh and turgid task-master from another planet...
We call them children, and They are Legion.
Yes, these obsequious tow-headed tots have had it in for humankind since before the dawn of pre-history. Oh, it may be hard to comprehend for some, perhaps impossible, yet those of us unburdened by progeny can look upon the situation and face the facts as they stand. Only those of us who are child-free have been spared the unholy flood of hormonal discharges that pollute and defile the biological systems of Those Who Breed.
This is certainly not to suggest that children are inherently evil, or that they are the "enemy". We merely point out the fact that youngsters in general are more easily swayed in matters of faith than are adults, though it is true that grown-up fanatics are in a position to do greater harm. Let us examine a few examples of child-like faith. Around Christmas time every December, children watch the skies and wait for Santa, a benevolent father figure who dispenses love and gifts from on high with the help of unnatural beings such as airborne ungulates and toy making elf-slaves who dwell in a vastly inhospitable region. The word Santa..
Could this be the blessed name Zontar as pronounced by the soft and unformed palates of Human young? Flying reindeer, Santa's workshop elves..are these alien races already subjugated by He Who Must Be Obeyed? And this North Pole residence, could this be but a metaphorical allusion to the bitter realms of our sister planet?
Could the jolly, fat red-clad Santa be the obverse anthromorphization of the skinny, not jolly, yet still red-clad Satan, who dispenses hate instead of love, and dwells not at the frozen North Pole, but in a swirling fiery, Venus-like domain?
On this subject Joseph Campbell remains uneasily silent.
The Judeo-Christian ethic is undermined also by figures such as the Easter Bunny who deposits eggs (or "pods") in hidden, secret locations for reasons known only to itself.
Thus the mental image of a crucified and tormented Christ is softened by the replacement image of a preternaturally large lagomorph who possesses an aura of furry cuddliness. As the film "Night of the Lepas" attests, overlarge hares are anything but cute. And let it be here stated: cannibalism is not unknown amongst rabbit-kind.
Symbolic cannibalism takes place regularly every Sunday during Catholic Mass, yet remains unmasked. "This is my blood and my body" indeed! Could Zontar be using the Christic Rabbit figure in bemusement, poking fun at his own corporeal form which, as all know, closely resembles that most well documented of Rabbit delicacies, the Carrot?
Almost every fairy tale and childish legend one could name can trace its origin directly to Zontar, The Gilded One. Obviously the trusting and unquestioning mind of a child is more subseptible to this inter-planetary propaganda than the twisted "mature" adult mind.
Zontar has been at this game for centuries at least. It is well known that Mozart composed the ditty "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" at the tender age of three years. The "star" of which this abundantly talented tot wrote of was not in fact a star at all, but the planet Venus!
Venus alone amongst the denizens of our planetary system enjoys the titles of both the Evening star as well as the Morning star. And yet we can indeed go much further back in history for proof. The three wise men searching for the child messiah were guided by the star of Bethlehem. Science has now unquestionably proved that a sudden climatic change at this period in history caused a cold air inversion in the Middle East, causing the Evening star, Venus, to appear magnified and distorted to those upon that portion of the surface of our woeful globe. This was the guiding "Star"so eagerly sought by the Prophets!
Yes, guided by Zontar, the three Magi were indeed blessed to be present at the birth of one of Zontar's minions, and to confer upon him gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. (At the present time, only Gold has a value to the master, and we encourage its transfer directly to our offices)
Some may say we go too far and decry our well- founded accusations as mere frippery, and others will say we go not far enough and damn us for our cowardly reticence! Yet further evidence awaits the discriminating reader..
Let us look to the present century for our facts, then, so as not to confuse the less cerebral of our subscribers.
The most famous "child" of our century so far has been Shirley "Ambassador to Czechoslovakia" Temple. She danced and sang her way throughout the depression, bringing cheer to our poverty-stricken populace as they worried from day to day about how to put food on the tables of the nation. Yet her greatest role in history was one that has gone unheralded by historians, save in the pristine annals of the Zon-mag. For it was none other than America's Sweetheart who brought the sainted John Agar to the Master's altar and sanctified him into the service of Our Alien Overseer.
Yes, by sacrificing her dimple-chinned purity upon the base penetralia of the prurient Everyman, John Agar, she, by unholy proxy, defiled Earth dwellers everywhere and made them just and proper objects for subjugation by the Master
Sounds far-fetched? The ways of the Master are indeed warped to those who do not understand "It".
How does Zontar control the squidgy little brains of society's youngest members? Through Television? Subliminal school curriculums? Food additives?
Our children are controlled in a myriad of ways, more, probably, than even we, the Editors can conceive. Every facet of daily life on Earth is manipulated by the stern and unforgiving space-pincers of the Venusian Overlord. Every comic book that a child buys, every sugar-frosted flake of "cereal" that is imbibed in a vain search for nutrients, every photon emitted from the Alien Box that sits in our living rooms, everything any Earth-child sees, reads, or even thinks about comes directly from the unknowable Brain of Zontar.
In response to Pope Urban II's war cry in 1095, a wave of crusades was unleashed against the "Infidels" who held the Holy Land. One of these lemming-like assaults took place when hordes of scruffy children scuttled across Europe under the mad leadership of a twisted monk.
What prompted this ragamuffin army to form? What unknown force led them to gather in the ancient port of Marseilles (Birthplace of Claudius, Uncle of Caligula) to await heaven-ordained transport to Palestine?
No Earth deity, of that we may rest assured. No, only the business-as-usual god from the second planet.
Once assembled, these orphans and strays were indeed sent to the Arab lands, where they were promptly sold into slavery.
Experts now say that the removal of these urchins and their bodily parasites from the
cluttered streets of Europe set back the advent of the great plagues by at least 250 years.
This averted disaster helped pave the way for the beginnings of the Renaissance and saved countless lives and a great deal of money.
Neo-striatums repeatedly prophisised about the "Demon root from above the sky" who would one day "Rule the World from behind a Panel Of Glass"!
Those poor Christian waifs, so easily led astray! No wonder the Catholic church opposes birth control. The church must funnel willing dupes to Zontar, and the soft intellects of our young are easy prey indeed for the lust-maddened prelates who basely seek favor in the eye of the Master! Also curious is the fact that those who seek to convert the young to the flag of Venus clothe their prospective initiates with uniformity.
From the gilded vestments of the altar boy in the papist regimen to the Boy Scout garb popularized by British militarist Baden-Powell through to the clothing of the ill-famed Hitler Jugend we see a desire to enforce normalcy and predictability through outerwear that is most unearthly in origin.
Today's children have reached a sophisticated level of indoctrination and need only subtle reminders of such organization. Most of the subliminal cues which stimulate servility to alien domination without question or remorse can be transmitted between waves during television broadcasts.
In the past the Overseers would have to mask the mind-numbing duplicity transmissions with blaring trumpets, Gregorian chants and clanking ankle chains to further hypnotically infuse the eerie Message from Space Which None Can Ignore.
Nowadays the Carrot Creature we call Zontar has reproduced his somewhat scaly yet rubbery appearance in many ways. Non-threateningly, he appears in the aspect of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the sight of which will have nauseated many of our readers, no doubt.
In a more aggressive form he is presented as the monster from the Alien movie trinity. Of course, needless to say, he is also present as Godzilla, to reach a slightly different cult-base.
He constantly changes his aspect following traditions laid down by mythic gods such as Odin or Zeus.
Barney the purple dinosaur of kiddie t.v. fame is just one such apparition, one in which the orders given to children are far too bland for adults to watch, much less decipher.
The newest alien messengers are of course, the Mighty Morphin' Power rangers, who unswervingly and blatantly follow the orders of an off-world Master.
All roads, they say, lead to Rome.
As a species, Humanity can only wonder why the Ineffable One would choose to use the same creature against itself at different times of the life-cycle.
This seeming paradox is not unknown in other Earth life-forms.
Our friend the Sheep has been known to suffer from a parasitic flatworm known as the Liver-fluke which resides in the unhappy ungulate's liver (Hence the name).
While inside the unfortunate organ these flukes are unrepentant hermaphrodites able to achieve cross-fertilization in vast numbers while they ingest the tissues they inhabit. The eggs thusly produced travel through the digestive tract via the sheep's bile and exit the body in the usual manner.
From these eggs hatch the tiny Miracidium, two hundred times smaller than the worm-like parents that spawned them. They have two primitive eyes and their conical bodies are covered with fine hairs, or cilia.
(Note the resemblance of these microscopic creatures to the beloved Zontar, Father of Us All)
These infants swim in puddles and ponds until they find a certain kind of snail. Boring their way into the body of the hapless gastropod, they nourish themselves with the blood of the host.
(Note the similarity with Catholicism)
They become sack-like receptacles and after about two weeks they spawn and die.
Their offspring are different as well. They are still tiny but are more worm-like. They act as snail-flukes and devour the snail from within over
several months, and show a special preference for the liver.
(Note the resemblance to Republicans)
These give birth with the coming of the cold seasons to yet another type of creature! These parasites have larger rounder heads and thinner tails than their parents, and soon bore their way OUT of the dying snail's body.
Making their way out of the puddle or pond they climb onto a blade of grass and encyst. Should an animal (Such as a sheep) devour this creature the stomach acids used in digestion will free the parasite from its encapsulation and it will then swim up the bile duct and take up residence in the liver, completing the Liver-fuke life-cycle.
Is Man so different?
The incomprehensible intellect of the Grand Carrot From Space may look at hu-mankind on a vaster scale than we do.
Zontar may, in bringing his unspeakable plans to fruition, compress generations of servile groveling sychophants into a mere blink of his eye. In other cases, for unknowable reasons, he may perceive mere nanoseconds as eternities of unceasing toil as he strives to bring the fair jewel Earth within the grasp of his unyielding latex claw.
Are Mankind's children being used as slack-jawed pawns in an interplanetary coup d'etat?. Of course they are. Can such an onslaught be stopped? No. All we as adults can do now is watch and wait. Sooner or later these agents of Venus, these "children" will begin to mutate and change into the final forms decreed them by Zontar. Will this change be for evil or for good?
That is what we worry about here at the Magazine of Zontar. But we are sure, now, that it will be for good. ..Listen..Do you hear them? Voices..faint and pain-wracked..These voices..can they be..the anguished squeals of those who withheld Cash from the Master? I hear them gain in volume.