1-7-2000 by Rev. IVAN STANG
I find it perfectly fitting that when Time Magazine finally acknowledged the existence of "Bob" Dobbs, they did it with a massive typo.
Time would NEVER have EVER allowed its readers to know of "Bob." But they were forced to, by taking VOTES in their ONLINE POLL for Person of the Century and Fraud of the Century. While the Time Editors-who-Know made Einstein their Person of the Century, the unfettered PEOPLE at large thought ELVIS PRESLEY was #1... and that J.R. "Bob" Dobbs was the century's greatest Fraud.
The point being that the greatest Fraud of the Century was a religious leader. "Bob" happened to be the ONLY religious leader that Time ALLOWED; otherwise it surely would have been a tie between Jerry Fallwel and L. Ron Hubbard.
The TIME pundits must have been utterly baffled. Even after they removed all the obvious computer-generated votes, Dobbs was still far and away the voters' choice for King Charlatan. The third choice Event of the Century, Gandhi's civil disobedience, got LESS VOTES than did "BOB".
Finally FORCED to acknowledge the existence of the Incarnate Personality of the Dobbshead when they revealed the poll results in their January 1 Commemorative Issue, they chose to single out DOBBS ALONE with a QUALIFICATION -- some sort of APOLOGY, probably. For not only his his name misspelled (minus the quotes), but his name alone on that list on Page 34 bears an ASTERIX.
And where does this ASTERIX lead, this asterix which purports to provide further information on this mysterious yet reviled "J.R. Bob Dobbs"?
It leads to this statement:
* J.R. is so
That's all it says. "J.R. is so"
No period, no dot dot dot... you can almost smell the "White-Out" from when the desperate, panicky assistant editor rushed down to the print room and, AT THE VERY LAST SECOND before MIDNIGHT Dec. 31 1999, DELETED the sentence about "Bob."
INCOMPLETELY.
PROOF!!! PROOF that Dobbs was behind this WHOLE STUPID AFFAIR. That flubbed censorship carries the UNMISTAKEABLE PSTENCH of ol' Pipe Face. Maybe it was "Bob" himself who snuck in there and stuck a strip of tape over that one LINE in the NEGATIVES or the PLATES or whatever they print from nowadays. Maybe it originally said, "J.R. is so FUCKING GREAT a fraud that you must go to http://www.subgenius.com NOW and GET $AVED!" or even "J.R. is so fraudulent that you should NOT send $30 to PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214."
But I like to think it simply says EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS:
J.R. is so.
As in, "Is not." "Is so." "Is not." "Is so."
J.R. is so.
Thank you, everyone who voted for "Bob"!
You got TIME off...
on the right foot!
-- this time around!
PERFORM THE SALUTE!!! EYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI
--------------------------
Byron Werner's "Possible footnotes from TIME":
* J.R. is son of bitch!
* J.R. is so sexy!
* J.R. is soul of America!
* J.R. is source of all Slack!
* J.R. is sound of one hand clapping.
* J.R. is solar system Overlord.
* J.R. is so, so...well, YOU KNOW!
As Papa Joe said, "I always hated TIME. Now I know why. They just resent us because of the entire "TIME control" thing."
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