Absolution is Just a Fin Away

So Rev. Blaze Brown sends me this thing about a goober who takes in yer confessionary e-mails, decides if you've violated one of the Seven Deadlies and absolves you for a mere $5, regardless. UNDERACHIEVER!!

So this guy is offering absolution for $5 a pop, eh? What a shmuck! Its old hat, the fee is WAY too low when there are ATMs oozing from every corner and there should be a sliding scale to begin with. $5 may cover copping an illicit feel or having lesbian magazines sent to the house of a crazed Christian neighbor, but does it cover having sex with a sheep or knifing someone in the back for a 5% raise at work? I think not!

Show indulgence, eh? Yeah, right, like THAT'S gonna happen without a glacially-slow political process. Dying cancer patients won't have rational access to nausea-relieving pot until its being sold on cable by animated joints, dancing to a hip-hop variant. I have a list of Semi-Scumbaggy Things I Have Done, but hubris aside, I'll bet its pitifully short & mild compared to those of many captains of industry. As far as I know, I never put anyone out on the street, ruined their lives or shredded a dream 'cause I was doing some deep-sea exploration at the bottom of a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black. If so, sorry, I was having a bad-hair/NO-hair day.

Besides, if I'm gonna function as the papal nuncio for the lesser Blarghinsaw area, I want more than a mere FIVE DOLLARS per dispensation, unless they're really lined up in profitable numbers and I can say "stop" for a bathroom break. Plus, I quit at 4:30 on Fridays to watch "Batman Beyond." Hell, even the Church of the SubGenius has upped ITS rates to $30, which is still one hell of a deal for Eternal Salvation, or at least enough that by the time you realize its NOT eternal, you're drooling in Depends and don't know the difference.

And what's up with all the confession, anyway? Sounds like a sinister adjunct to enjoying extreme bondage in the bedroom, the lighter kink excepted. Handcuffs, yes, leaving welts, no. That stuff messes up yer head, or at least those parts of it which weren't ALREADY twisted into Fruit Roll-Ups by all the whiteboy crapulation. If you think you really need punishment, just run through a crack den and slap the pipes out of a few hands. You'll be so punished, yer mama won't know you any more.

By the time you wanna play "Priest & Nun," you're WAY too far down the road from proper HDS (Hot Dirty Sex) and need to have your mouth washed out with Molten Boron, the Taste Treat Robots Love. I prefer to snack on carbon-filament-reinforced graphite rods, myself. They clean that mung off yer teeth WAY better than Milk-Bones and as they hover at a temperature point far below 500 degrees, they don't tend to vaporize the entire upper half of your body with the first gulp.

If you want absolution from ME, even the faux pearl kind, you're gonna have to pony up enough scratch to make me BELIEVE it or you're going to Hell and not just for the weekend, either. Domini domini, you're all easy marks now! Father forgive me, for I have RANTED!!! Yee HAW!!

HellPope Huey,
Devout Convulsionarian

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