Dobbs Empire: Get 'Em While They're Young!!! The Children's Crusade

From: HellPope Huey <>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Mon, May 1, 2000 11:49 PM

"Bob" IS everywhere! .....check this out...

"Eh-oh. Here come more animated children's characters from British
television. This time they aren't Teletubbies. They are a crew of
trucks, tractors and backhoes led by a jolly contractor named Bob. Their
adventures are chronicled in the year-old series "Bob The Builder," the
latest children's hit aired by the BBC. ... Over the last 12 months,
British liscensees of "Bob The Builder" have sold an estimated $12.8
million in books and...$31.6 in dolls and other toys before supplies ran
out in November. ... At Bob's Building Yard, the gang of chattering
"building machines" includes Scoop the Backhoe, Muck the Bulldozer,
Dizzy the Cement Mixer, Roley the Steamroller, plus a cat, a bird and
the office manager, Wendy. ... Bob, in his yellow hard hat, (no mention
of a pipe...YET!) uses a fax machine and a cell phone. ... The formula
pushes the right buttons with Britain's 2-to-5-year-olds."

Okay, so the Church coffers haven't been exactly bursting with lucre
lately, maybe because we aren't tapping this fertile market. Sure the TV
show would be viewable only on cable, of COURSE and only after 2 a.m.
and Religious Righters would be after us with torches and pitchforks,
but FUCK THEM!!! And the audience would span from TWO to NINETY-TWO!!
Christ could only WISH He had that kind of drawing power!! People will
pay $20 a pop for fried strips of a meat we could simply CLAIM was
sliced offa Falwell's ample ASS!! C'MON, OPRAH, you KNOW you want a

I mean, "Bob" is a natural for an action figure: Big smile, has a
Dad-like countenance any cherub could love and he's CERTAINLY a
positive, can-do role model! Has his own flying saucer with Buick grille
and fins, a space station, an enclave in the jungle, all kinds of
friendly buddies from other worlds, a briefcase full of Lord ONLY knows
what all, a perky wife who actually runs the show from behind, or at
least next to, "The Scenes." Its a real bonanza! And think of the
ancillary products we could dream up! The characters offered by the
Church as it stands are considerable:

Susie the Playgirl, Onan the DataMan, Friday the Princess, Legume the
Barbarian, Janor the Insane, Stangy the Perpelexed, Nhee Ghee the
Spoiler, Huey the Blatherer, Nenslo the Potenate, GGGordon the BlackOp,
Lilith the AllThat, Sterno the Evil Bassist, Phineas the Mystic, Meyer
the MultiTongued, Fyodor the MindFlanger, Sister Decadence the
Seductress, Chas the Impaler, Pope Black the Giver of Life, Wei R. Doe
the UFO Queen (with horny helmet and SPANGLES, OO!), Pappy Joe the
Executioner, Nu-Monet the Inscrutable, Palmer the Village Idiot, plus
bags of interesting sex toys, impliments of destruction, demonic
servants...the mind REELS and not just from the "Church Air," either!

12" versions could be made anatomically correct, with battery-powered,
pulsing red footglands, Third Eyes that opened when you said "certain
magic words," (Ooo, candy DobbsHeads WITH a Third Eye INSIDE!) chips
that spouted choice bits of Church doctrine and a secret feature that
made 'em creep in and pilfer wallets & purses and mailed the contents to
the Church before returning to their original poses, leaving the family
puzzled, pissed and broke! Great fun and educational, too! Rock & Stick
kits for teaching the kiddies those oh-so-vital life lessons!
Gene-splicing kits that let you create your own designer pets! Rocket
packs! Soul canisters! Telepathy hats! Phaser rings! Jars of hypnotic
Church nanites that turn bosses into personal SLAVES! Bogus "joke"
NUKES! Q-Beam pasties! Levitating Bob-Boots! Potato Guns that'll even
shoot WATERMELONS! SubGenius CAR ALARMS! Steal THAT, homeboys, IF YOU
CAN! Stuffed, cuddly Prarie Squids! The possibilites ARE ENDLESS!!!

How about a JeHoVaH-1 mega-figure with lightning-bolt-emitting hands?
How about alien buddies with secret compartments that contained ray
guns, scary space-genitalia or pouches for Bobbies to be eaten later as
snacks? How about "Bags O' Slack" with a special 'prize' inside? Frop
gum? (Available in Amsterdam and Dobbstown only, sorry kids! Buy the
special LEGAL domestic DobbsBars! Every 20,000th bar has a FREE TICKET
to one place or the other inside!)

How about trading cards of "Bob's" many exploits?! Or Church
historical events?! "Bob" anoints Stang, Janor Fights Off The Orderlies,
Lust of the Floozie, Tunnel Mutilation of the Dead Dogs, Huey Gets A
Mega-Hickey, PeeKitty Falls Over At X-Day, Salvation of the Duke of Uke,
Doktors For "Bob" Vs. Megalon, Sterno Leads The Faithful Through The
Dutch Red Light Dickstrict and MORE! Bios of the staff! Learn how your
favorite Church elders went NUTS!!! Or "Bob's" Sinister Love Techniques!
YEAH, and the coveted FOIL VARIANTS featuring CONNIE'S Sinister Love
Techniques, OOOoo! And for Mom & Dad, vibrators with special Pipe-shaped
"fun ridges" embossed on the head, Connie's CockRings and erectile
creams in 12 flavors! Eat 'em up, folks!!!

And we could get, like, either Toy Biz or Todd McFarlane of "Spawn"
fame to do the toys! Those Spawn goods & Resident Evil figures are
extra-ginchy, with details that make parents puke like real ice-house
PROS! Yeah and videos of Jesse Helms EXPLODING as he reaches page 32 of

YES, I think we're ONTO something here and I WANT MY CUT for thinking
it UP! No more worrying about raising air fare for Devivals! WE'LL HAVE
TOUR BUSES PICK ALL OF US UP!!! WITH HOT TUBS, no crap included! Hell,
RANTERS!!! MONOGRAMMED FLYING SAUCERS!!! And, and, and...(staff wrestles
Huey to floor, injects half-pint of special Prolixin/Frop/Benzodiazapam
cocktail, breathes collective sigh of relief as HellPope's muscles go
limp, although the PENIS stays incredibly RIGID...Mu-huuuuuuuuuhhh....*)

HellPope Huey,
Why, I have footglandular lobes I ain't even USED yet!!! Boy, givi

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