I'm A Rabbit

From: Onan Canobite <onan@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Followup-To: Onan Canobite <onan@subgenius.com>
Date: Fri, May 12, 2000 10:32 PM
Message-ID: <Pine.LNX.4.21.0005121929440.18974-100000@shell1.aracnet.com>

This is from a friend...

---------- Forwarded message ----------

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

------- End Forwarded message ----------

- O.

Rev. Dr. Onan Canobite <onan@subgenius.com> http://www.subgenius.com/
Call Onan's Voice Mail Toll-Free 1-877-324-6289 (member 503-900-122)
Send $30 unto The SubGenius Foundation Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 USA

Subject: Re: I'm A Rabbit
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
It neglects to mention what happens next: The CIA demands an increase
in its budget, because the rabbit threat is still at large in the
world, ever changing and ever growing, spreading the seeds of its
rabbithood to third and fourth world countries.

The FBI produces statistics that conclusively prove that there is
a startling increase in violent rabbit crime, especially rabbit
homicide and rape. The Independant Counsel demands information on
possible White House and Justice Department complicity in a
conspiracy to pay off the rabbit with Chinese money. Both the
White House and Justice Department first deny any relationship
with the rabbit, then declare that subpeonaed information about
the rabbit was inadvertantly destroyed in a meterorite shower.

The DEA announces that the rabbit is responsible for the continued
use of illegal drugs by teenagers, which brings it into conflict
with the Department of Health and Human Services which insists
that the rabbit is responsible for teen smoking.

The Pentagon demands an additional $500B to equip the Space
Command with satellites that can track the movements of the
rabbit, without realizing that the NSA was already doing that,
but just neglected to mention it to anyone.

The Department of the Interior declares the burnt-out forest
to be a protected wetland on the assumption that sooner or
later rain will fall on it, causing puddles. This causes a
fight with the EPA, who wanted to use "Superfund" money to
dig it up to a depth of five feet, pack it in 55-gallon
drums, and ship it to New Jersey for toxic waste disposal.

The State Department inadvertantly loses dozens of laptop
computers detailing vast amounts of secret information about
anything and everything concerning the rabbit.

Immigration and Naturalization wants to send the rabbit's
remains back to Cuba.

The LAPD sells the rights for the made-for-TV movie to
NBC for $30M. Everybody does lunch with everybody else.

Back to document index

Original file name: I'm A Rabbit

This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.