I hit someone

From: "Col. Sphinx Drummond" <sphinx@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Jun 28, 2001 8:31 AM

I temporarily came out of retirement as the Kommandor of
S.L.A.K. and hit a "would be" car stereo thief about an hour
and a half ago. I hadn't hit anyone in years. I got up, it
was 5:00 am, I walked outside of my condo and saw a
silhouette in the passenger's side of my next door
neighbor's car. I stepped back inside and got my dog and a
real big screw driver, then back outside I was acting like I
didn't see the thief and was just walking my dog (I held the
real big screwdriver hidden against my arm). As I got about
30 feet from the car, the guy bolted out the driver's side
and took off. I started to pursue but tripped and rolled
over mildly scrapping up elbows, ankles, and knees. I
gathered myself instantaneously and chased that bastard down
in less than 100 meters. Actually he was kind of short and
stocky, so he basically quit he he realized I was obviously
faster and would catch him. Anyway, I as caught up to him
from his right rear side, I swung my right fist and hit him
square on his right ear. He screamed real loud and fell to
the ground and started acting like he was the victim!?!?! I
only hit him cause I was scared and knew that I had to
demonstrate my authority in an abrupt forceful Legume type
manner or else he might want to fight me.

It was at this time I realized this kid, probably not even
20 years old, wasn't playing with a full deck, he had a
speech impediment and might have a learning disability. He
kept saying, "Please Mister, I didn't take nothing." I
wasn't inclined to advise him about the double negative
aspect of his plea but I was inclined to take pity and not
call the cops. He was terrified by me and I got some kind of
twisted satisfaction out of his fear. He was too big for me
to physically haul back to the grounds, he was probably 5'8"
220 pounds (I'm 6'2" 170) and I hadn't even had my morning
coffee. I told him I'm a light sleeper who gets up real
early so he better not try our parking lot again.

He had in fact slipped into the car without breaking a
window, maybe it was left unlocked, he had a mouth full of
partially masticated peanuts when I caught him. It didn't
appear that he had taken anything but who's to say if I
hadn't caught him. I told the guy to lie down and not move,
while I go and call the cops, knowing he'd fly as soon as I
turned my back. He did take off and I wasn't going to chase
him down.

Back in the parking lot I found a plastic bag he tossed, it
had less that a buck in change, two bottled waters, and two
cassettes. One cassette was blank, the other had a sticker
on it that said "Gansta Rap Compilation." I'm pretty sure
the cassettes weren't my neighbors, she's not likely to
listen to rap. I'm half inclined to listen to the "Gansta
Rap Compilation" tape but I've got too many Swingin' Love
Corpses tapes to edit.

I hope that guy doesn't come back. He wasn't much of a
gangster, more likely just a fucked up kid with a sore right
ear. Oh yeah, my dog was worthless, she never left my front
porch, I was kind of hoping she'd join in the chase and
defend me if I needed it.

-Col. Sphinx Drummond TWSR
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: I hit someone
From: none@yerbiz.com (Legume)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Jun 28, 2001 9:25 AM
Message-ID: <Xns90CE601AC6E2CCortezLegume18465086@24.12.106.199>

Col. Sphinx Drummond wrote:

> I swung my right fist and hit him
> square on his right ear. He screamed real loud and fell to
> the ground and started acting like he was the victim!?!?!

Good target. Hurts like fuck, causes possible permanent damage.

> I
> only hit him cause I was scared and knew that I had to
> demonstrate my authority in an abrupt forceful Legume type
> manner or else he might want to fight me.

Good policy. I HATE to fight, it gets you all scraped up and dirty. Best
bet is to go for a nasty potentially lethal blow right from jump street. If
you kill the fuck, it's quick enough usually that you can get away, while a
protracted fight always draws spectators. If you DON'T, you let the fucker
know that if he tries to get up you'll kill his sorry ass.
>
> It was at this time I realized this kid, probably not even
> 20 years old, wasn't playing with a full deck, he had a
> speech impediment and might have a learning disability.

Sphinx, in this modern politically correct world, it'd be wrong for you to
treat a thief differently just because he's "differently abled". He's
obviously "handi-capable" of robbing cars.

>He
> kept saying, "Please Mister, I didn't take nothing." I
> wasn't inclined to advise him about the double negative
> aspect of his plea but I was inclined to take pity and not
> call the cops. He was terrified by me and I got some kind of
> twisted satisfaction out of his fear.

Pretty cool feeling, huh Sphinx? Kind of like a drug.

> He was too big for me
> to physically haul back to the grounds, he was probably 5'8"
> 220 pounds (I'm 6'2" 170) and I hadn't even had my morning
> coffee. I told him I'm a light sleeper who gets up real
> early so he better not try our parking lot again.

He's lucky it was you, and not some pistol-packing yuppie. He's even
luckier it wasn't ME, because once I saw he was possibly slightly retarded,
I'd have given him the choice of either cops or chopping off his hands,
then made him belly crawl back to my house (where I'd call the cops no
matter what his choice). I am, after all, an artist.

> Back in the parking lot I found a plastic bag he tossed, it
> had less that a buck in change, two bottled waters, and two
> cassettes. One cassette was blank, the other had a sticker
> on it that said "Gansta Rap Compilation."

Geez, and you thought your FIST made his ear hurt.

> I hope that guy doesn't come back. He wasn't much of a
> gangster, more likely just a fucked up kid with a sore right
> ear.

"fucked up kid with a sore right ear". Is that gonna be the title of the
next Love Corpses single? It has a certain rhythym to it...

>Oh yeah, my dog was worthless, she never left my front
> porch, I was kind of hoping she'd join in the chase and
> defend me if I needed it.

Maybe she would if you'd stop ass-fucking her.
--
----------------------------------
Dr. K. "Cortez" Legume

Looking for the New World
and the Palace in the Sun

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Original file name: I hit someone - converted on Friday, 29 June 2001, 22:34