Jesus As Zombie (movie plot)

Date: Tue, Mar 26, 2002 1:05 PM

From: "nu-monet v4.0" <>

If you ask me, all this Easter "coming back from
the dead" stuff sounds *a lot* like one of them
zombie movies.

I don't reckon that the people of the time would
have a clue what in blue blazes them 55-gallon
drums full of alien toxic waste were doin' in the
tunnel where they put his body. They'd just shrug
and put him in their with it, even though the drums
was green and glowing all kinda funny and making
their eyes water and they stink. They'd figure like,
what's he care? he's dead! And we already paid for
the cave!

But then I kin imagine Jesus staggering out of his
tomb, all re-animated and shit, saying over and over
agin' "I need braaaiiiinnnnssss!" He grabs some guy
walking down the road and does lunch, then a Roman
Centurian sees him and gets grossed out.

The Roman stabs him with his sword--but NOTHING HAPPENS!



So the Roman guy cuts off Jesus' head and takes it
back to the barracks with him, 'cause like, "Hey!,
it's a talking head!" Now granted all it can do
is moan and bitch about wanting to eat brains, and
maybe sing a few show tunes, but that's enough to
charge admission, thinks the Centurion.

So then like, Jesus' disciples hear that Jesus has
come back to life (missing the part about him having
his head cut off), and they think the Romans are
keeping him prisoner or something. So they break into
the Roman barracks, and though they are surprised that
it's only Jesus' head, he was like, their buddy, so
they decide to steal him back.

But on the way, Jesus bites Judas Ascariot on the hand
and Judas is like, "Ow! Fuck! That hurt!", and throws
Jesus' head into a canal or something. But Judas' hand
is really sore and hurts so bad that Judas figures he's
going to turn into a zombie soon himself, so he goes
home and hangs himself.

So everybody thinks it's all over--Jesus is finally dead
and so is Judas. But little do they know is that Jesus'
head IS STILL ALIVE in the silt on the bottom of the
canal, waiting for some kind to go swimming so he can
take a bite out of his ankle or something.

AND IT'S STILL THERE TODAY! Arrrgggh! Snap Snap!

I figure it's a romantic comedy. Maybe Keanu stars.

And it's certainly better than most of what Hollywood has
been cranking out recently.

Toynbee Idea in Movie 2001 --
Resurrect Dead On Planet Jupiter --
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

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