The REAL low-brow lowdown on Harry Potter

Date: Mon, Dec 31, 2001 1:28 AM

From: HellPope Huey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>

A pal just sent me this, which in turn forced me to use giant psychic bolt
cutters on the inflamed snort-boil of outraged disbelief that popped up like a
blown brake-line hose on one o' them giant rescue vehicles offa that British kid
thang "Thunderbirds," POW! Remember that old fave, '"Thunderbirds are GO!"? So
is my patience with the inexplicably-opposable-thumb-equipped invertebrate
crowd. Roller-skating chimpanzees around the world put their little hats over
their faces so as not to be lumped in with these losers as fellow primates.

Yeah, its too long, but if I thought ye lot were more than 12% stoopid, I
wouldna posted it. Excessive rantulation & cussin' are ougrowths of the 3 main
Diseases of the SubGenius:
1) Short-term memory loss;
2) Tourette's Syndrome and;
3) Short-term memory loss.

PRAISE St. Werner!

>>We must protect the children from evil pornography.

Especially ours, which they will otherwise steal and sell at school. Besides, I
prefer GOOD pornography. Its just plain funner, unh unh unh.

>> We must ceaselessly enjoy infantile diversions.

No problem, already there!

>> We must be afraid.

Of our lame-ass, quivering, meat-mass neighbors.

>>We must whimper for security at all costs.

Without realizing that whatever we get will be paper-mache in the face of
random "reality" anyway, especially when our largely pampered,
never-had-a-REAL-bad-day assoul 'leaders' keep screwing the world-pooch with
hydraulic posthole diggers because grand-scale manipulation for its own sake
gives them a stiffy.
Remember the old ABC show "Dinosaurs?" On the wall behind the gravelly boss
styracosaurus who runs the WeSaySo Corporation is their motto: We Are Right.
W.A.R. Amusing & surreal show, with a few sinister little messages around the
edges.

>> We must wrap ourselves in an infantile crib of safety and security and
overeating and shopping for the sake of shopping and emoting over entertainment
diversions manufactured by nasty shits for mass consumption.

I have to squeeze really hard to get it out again unless I eat mucho bran.

>>>Please do not allow sex, death, pain, loss, and other life realities to
puncture our delusionary god, Infantile Security.

Why of course not. That would be unAmurrican. If you wave that flag hard
enough, it acts like a magic wand that fixes everything, right? What are you, a
commie?

>>We have become the babies we need to protect. WAH WAH WAH!!!!

I sure need changing.

>>>The Ferrulli family expected some cinematic surprises as they settled in to
watch Harry Potter zip around on a magic broomstick and challenge the evil "He
Who Shall Not Be Named."

The dastardly villain Asscroft, whose opposition to medical marijuana or
compassionate euthanasia would only crumble the day he or his needed them? Just
like the D.C. representative who began to campaign for decriminalization only
after HIS son was caught with an ounce of the devil weed, a throbbing case of
double hypocrisy if ever there was one?

>>>But as the lights dimmed, they got a shock they never bargained for: The
sexually explicit opening scene of an R-rated movie.

Dad: "Now that's more like it!" (Hey, look, the first porn takeoff! "Hairy
Pecker and the Magic Cauldron of Cooze!" AwRIIIIIGHT!!)

>>>Carrie Ferrulli, her husband and two children went to Friday's 12:30 p.m.
showing of the PG-rated "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" at General
Cinema Pacific Place II in downtown Seattle. They were unsettled by the R-rated
movie previews that aired first.

Because it was more exciting than anything THEY'd ever achieved in bed.

>>>But nothing prepared them for when, instead of Harry and his wizard buddies,
they saw the first few minutes of "Not Another Teen Movie," a cheeky and
sometimes raw spoof of teen flicks that was set to play on another screen 20
minutes later. The opening scene: a teenage girl in her bedroom with a sex toy.

Yeah, the paisley Barbie starter vibe, in preparation for years of graduation
to ever-tougher models because she & her succession of alternating limpdick or
got-a-horsedick-but-don't-know-what-to-do-with-it-&-besides-
I-come-after-three-strokes yuppie boyfriends wouldn't know real affection or
uninhibited enjoyment of one another if I threw a starving Dobie at their
privates. Wave on, wave on. A stupid error on the part of the projectionist to
be sure, but as far as I know, no one was psychokinetically flung into the
Bering Sea as a result. Therefore, bite me so very much.

>>"Well, we all know what she was doing," said Carrie Ferrulli, of West Seattle.
"After that I was out of the movie theater with my kids."

To the next door porn shop for a bigger dong. "Mommy, what's THIS for?"
Oooeerrrr..

Don't forget, folks...if you simply tell your kids that some things are no big
deal, just some 'adult' silliness you'll explain to them when its time and that
they can trust you until then, you'll burst into flames, right? Yep, that's the
'adulthood' that's launched a billion nightmares, miseries, STDs and unwanted
pregnancies. We sure need more of that, boy howdy. Nothing like a needless
mystery to create a cyst of worry & suspicion in the heart of a child.
Funny, but kids are amazingly resilient. They simply want your reassurance,
your steadfastness and your honesty. They have very sensitve bullshit detectors,
which can spot your dissembling from 3 parsecs away. You can tell them you
really don't know, if you don't and that's okay. You can tell them you've
banished the monsters from their closet and that's okay too. They'll need you to
do that for them for many years to come, so why not start early?
Of COURSE its not always easy, because they can be as stubborn and impenetrable
as you, at times, but consider how much harder is the alternative. Brian Eno
once said "Instead of building a wall, make a brick."

Y'know, I don't fear for my country because of Osama Yo Mama, pollution, freon,
ozone, shmozone, newage orgone hats or Bozo boning an underaged grip backstage.
What scares me the most is fuckers whose overattention to that crap CAUSES the
biggest problems with their damned LAMENESS.

Harry Potter is a spirited FANTASY about an unwanted, half-abused kid who finds
a surrogate family; acceptance for who he is; the inherent character within
himself to use 'power' he didn't realize he had; the guts to use that power with
humor, clear thinking and compassion; and a determination to extract from
awkward-to-bad situations the best resolutions he can manage. Oh, those are
simply awful things for a kid to ponder. Feh.

By the way, Ms. Rowling lived in borderline poverty until by the sheer force of
her imaginaton and writing skill, via the very tough-to-crack children's book
market no less, she pulled herself and her children out of the proverbial ditch
like gangbusters, not unlike ol' Harry himself. She also just got married. Go,
baby, GO!
I've read a few bits of her original books, which are engaging and charming
enough on their own, but the one I think I'll actually buy is the one wherein
she describes how she came to write them. There's a real-world fairy tale surely
worth the effort. As with P.J. O'Rourke, Sterling E. Lanier, Laurens van der
Post or Vonda McIntyre, I'd like to put a bit of my money where my appreciation
& regard are.

If the hyper-religious, pinched-hearted, tainted crab cakes who just burned a
wad of Dowling's books as promoters of "witchcraft" (lord, gimme a break) and
things "Satanic" were worth the money their dry chemicals would yield if their
bodies were broken down into their component elements, they would see the
wonderful underpinnings of her books, share those basic lessons with their kids
and simply enjoy the wonderment of her imagination. That includes the gifts of
potential enlightenment & creativity God gave us, although they've made Him so
2-dimensional, they're missing the gangplank to The Big Boat. It'd sure put a
piece of cold steak on the damned BLACK EYE they give poor ol' Jesus every day,
wouldn't it? Maybe. Hopefully.

But ridigity, as opposed to sensible and necessary STRUCTURE, is its own
reward, that being unhappy and inflexible "adults' who pass the lessons of a
lessened life on to THEIR poor offspring, perpetuating a cycle of violating
everything they claim to stand for. Jesus loves me, this I know, but you sick
wankers gotta go.
And say, before you do, may I serve you some blasting-cap canapes so that you
may properly ignite the plastique-explosive-equipped tennis shoes lodged in your
arses? Thank ye, praise "Bob."

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
New year, new pants, new suspicious stains,
2.0, 2.0, so what

"Everything I've observed closely tends to wobble."
- Robert Anton Wilson

"I don't need your worship
Just need a sacrifice each day
No need to worry
Just want to help in every way...
I don't know what's come over me
I'm really feeling rather strange"
- Tony Banks, "Big Man"

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Original file name: The REAL low-brow lowdown on Ha - converted on Friday, 20 September 2002, 16:09