Akron/Brushwood Report

From: Legume <none@yerbiz.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Aug 14, 2002 9:26 AM

Phloighd mentioned in a post over at the SubGEgroup:
"Legume gets all cranky about having to preach, but goddamn, when he gets
up there he works it hardcore."
==========================================
I don't get all cranky about preaching, I get all cranky about TRAVELING.
I have a sexy young wife and a nice home filled with all my toys...wouldn't
YOU get a bit cranky about trading that for a tiny cramped airline seat and
a weekend or more of sleeping on someone's couch? It's not like these
devivals are so lucrative that I can say, "It was all worth it for this
fat-ass lump of cash". That's the reason I retired from preaching a few
years back...I get more slack without ever leaving home. WWBD? Talk about
"Bob", or worry about his own level of slack? I think the latter; I'd
rather walk the path than talk the path. "I don't practice what I preach,
because I'm too slacked to bother preaching". So why did I go to Akron to
preach? I didn't. I came to Akron to be Einstein's Seventh Outlaw.
Preaching paid for my plane ticket.

This weekend, in contrast to previous "sleep-on-someone's-potentially-foul-
couch-weekend", was VERY slackful. I flew in on my cramped airline seat,
and there was my good pal Chas Smith waiting for me in front of the
airport, frop-rocket ready to fire. We hung out at his house, and later we
did ESO Radio. After the show, at about 2 AM, we got into the big black van
and rocketed off to Brushwood for the weekend...it was "Women's Weekend".
There were some really unusual trannies there, women who switched over to
being MEN, which to me is really freaky...why would any woman want to be a
man? That's like wanting to be a lawn chair or a jackass. But there they
were in the pool, one gal/guy who looked kinda like Jimmy Olsen, but
balding with a moustache...maybe she looked more like Ron Howard. But
anyway, I'd have never guessed it was a woman if not for the scars on her
chest where they cut off the titties (that's just EVIL...innocent titties
MURDERED). I'll write more about trannies later on in the post, as leaving
Brushwood did not end our Trannie Adventure.

We partied there at Brushwood with the women until Sunday afternoon, when
we split and rocketed back to Ohio for the devival.

After a big-ass breakfast at TruckAmerica, we hit Cleveland for a real rest
in soft beds for a bit before the show.

We hit the road that evening for Akron. The whole town was abandoned, like
in "The Omega Man". I was sort of scared that once all the mutants got
together that Charlton Heston would start picking us off with a rifle.

But it was Sunday, and no doubt Charlton was off at some Gun Club with the
Lord Jesus discussing seafood and punishment.

The Lime Spider was HOT. It was hard to get folks up and moving in there,
even when ESO was playing. And there were LOTS of folks in there, the
barmaids were really impressed at the turnout for a Sunday night in
Abandoned Akron.

I got to hang with my old biker-club-bro Rev.Spyder, who intro'd me to his
fiancee Darlene, who I immediately began hitting on just for fun. Beth and
Tanya were both there, those really cute gals who I fed mangos at Starwood.
They didn't know I was a preacher for the church, they'd never seen me do
it before. They just thought I was that sexy and charming bald guy who
always showed up at the perfect time to feed them sweet chunks of fruit off
the blade of a razor-sharp Buck knife. The Rabbi's titties were there,
though I disremember whether she accompanied them. I remember lots of
pretty gals; I think there were some SubGenius men there, though I didn't
really notice. I remember lots of sniffing going on between me and the
women...we liked what we smelled.

After Stang and St.N did their biz up on stage, I got up to read a suicide
letter from a depressed teen, and segued into the story of John Mahalchik
and the Iron Teepee, which of course segued into a sales pitch. I'd nearly
forgotten that I was actually kinda good at this preaching shit once upon a
time. Chas, Bob, and Raven from ESO played Djimbe drums in the background
while I preached, which allowed me to get a good rhythym going.

After my sermon wound down, I called my gang of fellow ESOutlaws onto the
stage and laid down some hard-assed rock-n-roll-n-C-n-W which pried at
least SOME of the bodies out of their chair-sloth and onto the dance floor.
This was, in my opinion, the best ESO show we put on this season, as well
as the last. I'm happy as fuck that Chas invited me to play with ESO this
summer; I was able to play at all but one show.

Who knows what the NEXT evolution of ESO will bring? Chicago Blues? Glam
Rock? An all-girl naked metal band? Whatever it is, I sure hope they can
use a harmonica player...because I'm hooked, heavy as lead.

After the show, Chas and I hopped back into the van and rocketed back to
Clevo. About 3:30 we stopped for breakfast at Diana's Diner on the edge of
Lakewood, which was about 20% filled...with various species of homos. Chas
and I argued whether the sexy blonde in the corner booth was a man or a
woman. It was hard to tell, as we could only see his/her head and
shoulders. Chas was drooling, but I said, "That's a DUDE, Chas. I saw her
hand, it looked like Ed Strange's...also, check out the scale; look at the
size difference between him and the real gals at the table". Finally,
he/she got up to leave, and Chas had to concede. "That's a MAN-ASS", he
agreed. Nice one too.

Then the two old homos in the booth behind us started arguing. They looked
like two old pirates with long beards, and Chas and I started snickering
and making "Ass Pirate" jokes. We were reenacting their argument at our
table, adding "Arrrr" and "Aye, matey" to the end of each line. "I can't
believe I caught ye polishing another man's pegleg". "I don't have a patch
over BOTH eyes, I seen what ye're up to".

It was only after we'd left that we realized that we somehow missed out on
jokes about "seamen" and the "poopdeck". But it was late, and we were
giggling like a couple of eighth-graders making fun of the queers.

Finally, about 1:30 Monday afternoon, it was time to "take me to the
airport, and pour me on that plane". Once again I managed to not get
hassled at the security checkpoints, and sat there at the gate listening to
BB King over the airport sound system until I could climb aboard another
cramped commuter jet and haul my tired ass back to the warm comfort and
sweet sweet pussy of home.

--
Legume

"Civilization will not attain to its perfection until the last stone from
the last church falls on the last priest" - - - Emile Zola

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