From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Jun 25, 2002
The bachelor guy next door just got a huge new dog! Whom he leaves outdoors all day and all night! Why get a pet that you're just going to use to adorn your lawn?? The dog does not understand that the fence between our lawns marks the end of his territory. He barks at me when I go to sit on my porch which I have decked out with a couch and table, specifically so I can spend some PEACEFUL, QUIET time in nature, and he FREAKS OUT on the kitties, who like to curl up against the fence because it is shady there. They do not like him either.
I'm thinking about turning that neighbor guy in to Homeland
Defense. I mean, he obviously doesn't care about the
dog so he must be planning to use it to smuggle a dirty
bomb, right? Short of that, what can I do to make
this dog be quiet and leave my kitties alone? Should
I toss a steak over the fence or something?? Would
a battery operated weasel ball help?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Legume <none@yerbiz.com>
Call the cops and report it as a noise complaint. If that doesn't work, poison the fucker with some antifreeze. Dogs LOVE the taste of that shit, and it kills the fuck out of them.
--
Legume
----------
Me TOOL USER! FIVE-FINGER-MAN! Make weapons! Sharp arrow
heads! Strong
bow! Trade to beady-eyed hunter types! Chase wives while
hunter-types
gone! Make pictures on cave wall, say magic words while
wearing scary
bear skull, keep whole tribe guessing!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "St. Marc the Perpetually Amused" <disciple@templeoferis.org>
Wasn't that the ad campaign for "Prestone" last year?
"Keeps your car cool, kills dogs dead!"
Or am I thinking of something else? (I wouldn't do that, Mags, but if you do, toss the stuff hard over the fence. Cats like it too and it kills the fuck out of 'em.)
St. Marc
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@subgenius.com>
I think killing the dog might be just a teensy bit in
conflict with my vegetarian ethics. I'm just looking
for a way for the dog to get comfortable with me and
my cats here!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Legume <none@yerbiz.com>
Geez, Mags, I never said ya had to EAT the dog, though I would...but not if I poisoned it, only if I'd choked it or stomped its' head in or assfucked it til it bled to death or something.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: William Earl Haskell <forban@hal-pc.org>
What the problem here is not the DOG so much as its
OWNER. If anyone should be choogling antifreeze, it
should be HIM. The dog's just bored, that's all (we
have a somewhat similiar situation here).
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nikolai kingsley" <nikolai@broadway.net.au>
> I think killing the dog might be just a teensy
bit in conflict with my
> vegetarian ethics.
he wants the dog to stop making noise. he doesn't want to eat it.
nikolai
---
bubble gum mixed with dog food?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: IPRC Info <info@iprc.org>
Off topic, but the movie "Cold Dog Soup" is the funniest movie with a dead dog as the McGuffin EVER. Randy Quaid gets the best line of his career:
"I don't think little Jasper is really dead. I think someone just... STOLE HIS LITTLE DOGGIE SOUL!"
iggy topo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Honk.blrpHOOOARGHH@excuseMe.com (yard man)
Legume <none@yerbiz.com> wrote:
>Call the cops and report it as a noise complaint.
If that doesn't work,
>poison the fucker with some antifreeze. Dogs LOVE
the taste of that shit,
>and it kills the fuck out of them.
I guess yer trolling.
If you aren't yer an asshole. Somebody poisoned a dog I had once, and if I could have figured out for sure who he/she was, he/she would have ended up in the landfill.
If you want to kill something, at least have the balls
to shoot it or do something else that's quick.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Legume <none@yerbiz.com>
ICEKNIFE wrote:
> Legume is a very sensitive and caring man, and
a brilliant artist.
> Did you know he once walked 23 miles in a blizzard
just to see the dance
> recital of the daughter of a friend? His car broke
down, but he refused to
> dissapoint the little girl. This is a guy who lost
three
> fingers letting a bear out of an illegal trap.
Legume is only one of
> the most generous, kind, decent, loving people
you'd ever be fortunate
> enough to meet, and I will NOT have you hurting
his feelings. GOT IT?
>
> You ASSHOLE!
It's all true. I'm as gentle a lad as you'd meet on
a May morn, ya fuck.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: joecosby@mindspring.com (Joe Cosby)
You may mourn all you like I won't shed a tear.
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com
Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our
intelligence
by means of language.
- Ludwig Wittgenstein
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "nu-monet v4.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Rev. Magdalen wrote:
> The bachelor guy next door just got a huge new dog!
If a male dog:
Find someone that has a fertile bitch dog. Stake her out a good distance upwind. His dog will do whatever is necessary to break out, then will prolly get lost.
Any sex of dog:
Go to the zoo and get some lion scat. The odor frightens dogs like nothing else. The cheap version: get some dog repellent powder and sprinkle it on HIS side of the fence next to your yard.
--
"Hell is full of Dinosaurs!"
-- nu-monet
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Mr_Blonde@Reservoir_Dogs.com" <Mr_Blonde@Reservoir_Dogs.com>
> I mean, he obviously doesn't care about the dog
so he must be planning
> to use it to smuggle a dirty bomb, right? Short
of that, what can I
> do to make this dog be quiet and leave my kitties
alone? Should I
> toss a steak over the fence or something?? Would
a battery operated
> weasel ball help?
Sounds like you too could use some bluejay pie...
====================
Mr. Blonde's MORON OF THE MONTH CLUB:
rlan538885, torresD, amigocabal, fred, george landry
Dick Eastman, Hiccum Blurpaedius, Yentels Youth, chudh
Secret Squirrel, Paminifarm, John LeBlanc, Bob Hubert
Hit1Hard, Joe Camel, Truthout, Nancy Ann Luft ceniza
====================
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: IKOTA <ikota@wistian.com>
"Rev. Magdalen" wrote:
> The bachelor guy next door just got a huge new dog! Whom he leaves outdoors...
First, just talk to the guy about it. People get real
weird when folks don't just LOVE their dog so use your
womanly wiles as much as possible and tell him how
very unhappy you are to be frightened and threatened
by that big monster. This will have absolutely no
result. You should have already contacted your local
humane society and found out what the laws are about
nuisance animals and noise problems, and having officially
talked to the perpetrator you are now free to do any
reporting you like. It only takes about twenty minutes
to cause all sorts of paperwork to go into action.
Then all you can do is wait.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: subspecies23@aol.com (SubSpecies23)
>From: fossil_1984@hotmail.com (The Rev. Dr. Chaos
Israel)
>OK...
>
>Out of 20-odd posts so far, (Some *very* odd.) only
this one:
>
>A)Answers Maggie's actual question.
>AND
>B)Gives information that while sensible, is not
immediately obvious.
>AND
>C)Has a clear, realistic understanding of human
nature.
>AND
>D)Realizes that the law is not the same everywhere.
>AND,
>MOST IMPORTANTLY,
>E)Does not condemn the dog to a horrible death for
the stupidity of
>his owner.
You forgot:
F) Does not condemn the owner to a horrible death.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: joecosby@mindspring.com (Joe Cosby)
"Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@subgenius.com>
hunched over a computer, typing feverishly;
thunder crashed, "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@subgenius.com>
laughed madly, then wrote:
>The bachelor guy next door just got a huge new dog! Whom he leaves outdoors...
When you are going to xxxxxxxxx whichever day, stop and open your car door and offer the dog some raw meat.
Take him to X day. Let the twisted imaginations of
subgeniuses take care of it from there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Blackout" <blackout@404infomagic.net>
"Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@subgenius.com> wrote...
> The bachelor guy next door just got a huge new dog! Whom he leaves outdoors...
get a bb gun and pop it in the nose a couple times.
if you get a pump you can pump it more or less depending
on what sort of lesson you are enraged enough to dish
out at the time. a few pumps might get him to notice,4-5
will sting like a bitch and if you get a decent gun
10 pumps will break skin. I used this variation of
Ludovico's technique on a neighbor's St Bernard that
would WHARFF WURFFF over the fence every time I'd walk
by and snap his teeth and try and bite me. I shot him
directly in the nose with 4 pumps for a warm up and
he would turn and go lay down on the other side of
his yard for about a month, no shit. I trained another
neighbors rottweiler to dive under the porch every
time I came out and pointed my finger at him and went
PFFFFT!, the fucking beast was viscious and would snap
his hole body against the end of the chain EVERY SINGLE
TIME we came out but after about a week he would hit
the deck nice and proper like with only a finger point
and a sound.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: joecosby@mindspring.com (Joe Cosby)
Boy that's my sex life in a nutshell.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: fossil_1984@hotmail.com (The Rev. Dr. Chaos Israel)
"Blackout" <blackout@404infomagic.net> wrote...
> I used this variation of [cruelty to aminalz] on
a
> neighbor's St Bernard that would WHARFF WURFFF
over the fence every time
> I'd walk by and snap his teeth and try and bite
me.
Jesus.
*St. Bernards* hate you.
You must be some kind of major badass.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Blackout" <blackout@404infomagic.net>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
actually they are like the crossbreed demon spawn of a st. bernard and a red headed forklift driver, real assholes at times y'know?
cruelty to animals my black ass, one small sting and they shut up for weeks or you can ignore them and they bark for weeks or you can call the cops and they can write up the owners and piss them off for all eternity because you turned into a sniveling little snitch fucker on them. since when was calling the cops ever a good idea unless you were establishing a paper trail to back up some future offensive?
I KNOW cruelty, I have WORKED with cruelty sir, and this isn't it.
even if it was, fuck you right inna bleedy heart neckstump.
in fact, if you lived next door to me and said that
stupid ass shit to me I'd shoot YOU in the nose with
a bb gun just to see the look on yer face. I bet you'd
stop with the barking PRONTO.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: IPRC Info <info@iprc.org>
I'm with Blackout all the way on this one. Shooting a dog with a bb gun is exactly the same as shooting a cat with a squirt gun to train it to stay off the couch. It's no big deal. That huboon bachelor cannot be trained to train his dog -- he is convinced that he is a good pet owner. Telling him that his dog misbehaves will be an affront to his mistaken belief in his good animal husbandry skills, and will most likely enrage him. The only way that dog is going to respect you is to be a bigger, meaner dog. Zap him in the nose with bb a couple times, and you're done.
But then, you might not want to listen to me, because
I really, really hate dogs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: joecosby@mindspring.com (Joe Cosby)
"ICEKNIFE" <iceNODAMNSPAMknife@lmi.net>
hunched over a computer, typing feverishly;
thunder crashed, "ICEKNIFE" <iceNODAMNSPAMknife@lmi.net>
laughed madly, then wrote:
> If you think about bunnies sometimes maybe you
can be warm and happy
> inside, and not be afraid any more.
> "Bob" loves you!
> *huggles*
P'KWOOOOOOOOM!
***
(PS: what -is- the proper way to spell a shotgun blast?)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: cmiller@trellis.net (Almerich)
fossil_1984@hotmail.com (The Rev. Dr. Chaos Israel) wrote:
> *St. Bernards* hate you.
I thought you had to be dead for 50 years before they
made you a St. Bernard.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: El Queso <the_cheese_23@yahoo.com>
"Rev. Magdalen" wrote:
> The bachelor guy next door just got a huge new dog! Whom he leaves outdoors...
Send the dog's name to Scientology. He will be so busy trying to get off their mailing list he won't have time to bark.
Queso
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "skullcracker" <bonehead714@nospamhotmail.com>
I would shoot the owner with the BB Gun ( over pump to about 15)...It's not the dog's fault that his owner is a moron...Whip the hound some doggy treats a coupla times..he'll like you and will think his owner is an ass for not givin him scooby snacks....make the hound work for ya...ya might get rid of the neighbor too....
--
The Heathen
http://boneheadgrafix.tripod.com
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: wbarwell@starbase.neosoft.com (William Barwell)
Rev. Magdalen <magdalen@subgenius.com> wrote:
>The bachelor guy next door just got a huge new dog!
Whom he leaves outdoors
>all day and all night! Why get a pet that you're
just going to use to adorn
>your lawn??
Rat poison and a handful of hamburger.
Pope Charles
SubGenius Pope of Houston
Slack!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "fruious" <fruious@hotmail.com>
"ICEKNIFE" <iceNODAMNSPAMknife@lmi.net> wrote...
> Piss in a BIG cup, just after you fuck, during your period.
> Have Jeezer do the same, in the same cup. Doesn't
matter if he's on his
> period or not.
> Pour it along the property line.
> ADDITIONAL OPTIONAL STEPS:
> Pin a picture of "Bob" to a stake, stuck
along the same line, facing the
> neighbor's property.
> Make sure to spill EXTRA bloodpeecum near the picture.
> Wait for the dog to approach the holy dobbshead.
> When the humanoid shows up to find out what's going
on, SHOOT HIM IN THE
> FACE NO LESS THAN 37 TIMES!
> Then chop him up and feed him to his dog.
> Please, don't hurt the dog, it's not his fault.
I have to agree... Don't hurt rover, he is only obeying instinct. Call the local animal control. I speak from experience. I was the guy with the dog once upon a time and I got a $100 ticket. I gave the dog to a good home and the neighborhood was returned to peaceful quiet. Complain first though... give him a chance to mend his ways before you call in the fuzz.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: joecosby@mindspring.com (Joe Cosby)
> Don't hurt rover, he is only obeying instinct.
That's also true of George Bush.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: cmiller@trellis.net (Almerich)
Yes, but he has opposable digits.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: joecosby@mindspring.com (Joe Cosby)
I think he's opposed to digits and indeed anything involving
math.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: bobdiddley@aol.com (Bobdiddley)
Yeah, so feed him the antifreeze-soaked pretzel only
AFTER having disposed of Shamey, Bumsfelt, and Asscroft.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Lou Scannon <scannon@lmountain.com>
"ICEKNIFE" <iceNODAMNSPAMknife@lmi.net> wrote:
>>>I have to agree... Don't hurt rover, he is only obeying instinct.
>>That's also true of George Bush.
> Is not.
> The patterns of his grammatical errors are inconsistant.
He's a moron, but
> not the type or to the degree his act is selling.
> Oh, hey, did you know that Jeb Bush knew what was
going to happen at least 4
> days before the 11th?
> http://www.eyeireland.com/psyops/news/jebknew.htm
He declared martial law in Florida on Sept 7th
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