Subject: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Apr 22, 2003 12:00 PM

Just went to my first and hopefully last physical therapy session for
my back, at a local hospital known for its physical therapy facilities.

I haven't seen so many people my own age in one place since the
Festival of Life in 1973. They looked pretty bad then at age 20, and
they look much much worse now.

Apparently I am one of the lucky ones. The guy just said to stop doing
exercises THAT way and do them THIS way, and if I do, those little
bowls of cartilage jelly between the backbone knobs won't slide around
anymore.

Thursday they'll look at my increasingly crimped up right hand and
explain to me that maybe it's time that I learned how to type with the
other fingers and also maybe even that other HAND.

I already knew everything they're telling me, but I couldn't really ACT
on the knowedge until an insurance company had forked over big bucks
for someone else to tell it to me. That's how faith healing works for
modern faithless persons.

I await the inevitable follow-ups to this post from shut-ins with
severe and obvious mental problems, bragging about how they're going to
live forever due to (insert superstition here).

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Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: Two Beans <twobeans@godhatesyou.com>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:

> I await the inevitable follow-ups to this post from shut-ins with
> severe and obvious mental problems, bragging about how they're going to
> live forever due to (insert superstition here).
>

Um, "Bob"!

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Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:

> I await the inevitable follow-ups to this
> post from shut-ins with severe and obvious
> mental problems, bragging about how they're
> going to live forever due to (insert
> superstition here).

Nah, yev got it all wrong there, bucko.

We appreciate the release of death. The final
freedom from this cesspit of iniquity which is
THE CON, this Dearth Star, this Makeworktrix.

YOU, however, get to live forever. We'll MAKE
you. Even when you're tiny and shrivelled and
living in an old mayonnaise jar filled with this
creamy yellowish nutrient and skin softening
solution, YOU'LL STILL BE ALIVE!

AND EACH AND EVERY MORNING, after the lab staff
have given you the agonizingly painful electrical
shocks to stimulate your few un-atropied muscles,
you'll sit there, bathed in the light of a teevee,
watching child actors become Lifetime Achievement
Award winners before tragically dying in nursing
home fires, as you watch hundreds and hundreds
of vacuous sit-coms with canned laughter and
computer generated scripts.

Until late at night, when the janitor comes in to
mop the floor, pull the cork on the bottom of
your jar, then re-fill it with a latex tube from
the 55 gallon drum supplied by a nationally known
fast food restaurant chain.

--
When anyone asked him where he came from,
he said, "Is that your nose or a banana?"
--Diogenes the Sarcastic

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: Jarto <_jarto_@excite.com>

"nu-monet v5.0" wrote:
>Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
>> I await the inevitable follow-ups to this
>> post from shut-ins with severe and obvious
>> mental problems, bragging about how they're
>> going to live forever due to (insert
>> superstition here).
>>
>Nah, yev got it all wrong there, bucko.
>
>We appreciate the release of death. The final
>freedom from this cesspit of iniquity which is
>THE CON, this Dearth Star, this Makeworktrix.

I believe being released from the Matrix is better than dying in a
matrix. I'm waiting for the "Black Hole Sun" to was me away.

----

"Don't believe the news in newspapers that are in a mass circulation. Don't believe that there are newspapers not in mass circulation."-Jarto
"I CAME NOT TO BRING PEACE, BUT AN OBNOXIOUS RADIO SHOW."
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, 1956-ecclesians 6:14.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: Reverend DJ Epoch <niunyabiz@noway.com>

Sheesh, get a GRIP, people! You've heard of PURGATORY, haven't you? Well
guess what??

YOU'RE SOAKING IN IT! Wherever we go after this rather unsavory plane of
existance has GOT to be better than what we're dealing with currently. I
mean cumon, this can't be a REAL CORPOREAL EXISTANCE we're experiencing
right now. Too many things just don't add up.

It almost feels like we were upgraded from Matrix 1.x to Matrix 2.0
because the version 1 model let people have too many freedoms. Now we
have SARS ( a mutation of the common cold virus!), terrorism in the
states and good ol' Uncle Sam keepng his bootheal on anyone who isn't
waving the flag and chanting "BUSH IS GREAT!".. and don't let your
neighbor call the TIPS line and say they think you're harboring
terrorists., Osama and Saddam vacationing somewhere in the Witness
Protection Program courtesy of Daddy Bush & son, and an economy that's
spit out so many people into the ranks of the unemployed they're
collecting cans along the side of roadways and selling blood just to buy
some Cheez Whiz and a pack of crackers. AND ALL THIS JUST AFTER THE START
OF THE NEW MILLINEUM!!! We're gona party like it's Matrix 1.9.99.

Sure the numbers of unemployed receiving benefits are going down... THEIR
BENEFITS HAVE RUN OUT AND THEY CAN'T COLLECT ANY MORE! Way to spin those
numbers, Unca Sam. So, we've "liberated" a couple of countries from
terrorism and oppression. One we've basically abandoned (AGAIN!) and
another the population has NO idea when their "liberators" will leave and
let them get on with their lives instead of suffering throgh curfews in
the dark because they still can't get the power back on. BUT HEY! THEY
MAY LET US SELL OUR OIL TO REBUILD EVERYTHING THEY BLEW UP! Mighty white
of you guys. Gimme some water and a loaf of bread while we're waiting.

Oh, and don't even THINK about downloading your favorite song from the
internet, or Madonna's gonna shove a used dildo down your throat as her
lawyers and the RIAA rape your bank account and leave you to ask "Was it
good for you too, Mommy?".

AND ALL THIS BECAUSE STANG'S GETTING PHYSICAL THERAPY!!! Cause and
effect. A butterfly flaps it's wings in the Congo and Dorthy takes a
Kansas Twister ride. Stang gets his back therapised AND WE ALL GET
HEARDED TO THE RE-EDUCATION CAMPS IN 2004!

Doesn't make sense? Neither does life in general. Welcome to Purgatory.

Damn, now my shoulder's aching again. Better set up an appointment with
the doc. Hope all the airline employees about to be laid off because of
my rotator cuff pain saved up some coins for the coming famine. AND JUST
HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT???

_________________

My SUV can beat up your Honda Civic.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: "Rev. 11D Meow!" <Meow@Kitty-Kitty.org>

My gallon bottle of PURGATORY leaked all over the inside of my under the
kitchen sink cabinet and ate a hole clean through three downstairs
neighbors' ceilings, kitchen sinks, garbage disposals, drain pipes, and
floors, then continued on through the foundation and what knots beyond.

EPA says it should be eating out through the crust on the other side of the
Earth in a few months, somewhere around the Red Sea, so they're not too
worried about it.

The neighbors were pretty pissed, though.
Until I told them "BOB" did it.
They're still looking for him.
But, they haven't paid their $30 each, so they'll never find him.

heh heh
It's good to be 'almost' 50.
DANG!!! My back just went out from laughing so hard.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>

Reverend DJ Epoch wrote:

>>It almost feels like we were upgraded from Matrix 1.x to Matrix 2.0
>because the version 1 model let people have too many freedoms. .... AND ALL THIS JUST AFTER THE START OF THE NEW MILLINEUM!!! We're gona party like it's Matrix 1.9.99.

Remember the movie?

There actually was a Matrix 1.x, Smith said that it didn't work,
because EVERYTHING was perfect, and people couldn't DEAL with that.

In Gnosticism, the whole problem with the universe was that God was
insane. Then we learned that WE are GOD, in disguise.

But the basic problem remains.

'Thingy' is the superclass from which all nouns derive.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: Reverend DJ Epoch <niunyabiz@noway.com>

I thought Gnosticism was more like a blend of Paganism and Platonic
philosophy tinted with a hint of vegitarianism. Oh, yeah. That WOULD make
God insane, especially the belief by some of them that Jesus was a false
teacher. Plus the fact they love John the Baptist as much as the French
love Jerry Lewis, but for all the wrong reasons. And guess where the last
surviving sect is located? Iraq!

Interesting sidebar: some sects avoided sex and reproduction. Wouldn't
THAT put a cap on how many were in your congregation!?

WHOOPS! Gotta hide. The Squiddies are looking for me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: "Leonard the Committed" <ccssk@nospamchartermi.net>

Well, in India they got this superstition that your life is measured by
how many breaths you take. If you learn to control your breathing through
meditation, you can live alot longer.

My take on that is if I keep taking Lithium, my synapse's will fire less,
thus making may brain last longer. Hav'nt figured out the rest of the body
yet to go along with that.......

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Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: iDRMRSR <idrmrsr@subgenius.com>

Stang, as a veteran of one replaced neck bone and two carpal tunnel
syndromes, thank Bob for "Bob". There is a light at the end of the
tunnel. Modren carving can usually fix even the worstest contortions of
flesh and render them useful, after a fashion, once again.

Physical therapy has its place, to be sure, but nothing substitutes for
the knife. Were it not for surgeons, someone beside myself would have
to cart this giant, admirable ass around. I can still wipe it, prop it
up on two sticks, and get it into places where the rest of me want to
be, given sturdy enough seating.

It's the damn keyboards that fuck up the claws, dude. Future
generations will wonder about us carpal and repetitive motion victims,
just like we wondered about our grandpappies who prolly died in the coal
mines. One day science will triumph over even the lowly keyboard,
praBob.

Well, here's wishing you good luck anyhow. I hope you connect, as I
did, with someone that understands just exactly how to unfuck up mashed
nerves and such using nothing but saws and metal instruments to pick the
flesh away from the bone. Oh, that and someone that can dispense the
proper PILS, too.

Don't underestimate the power of PHARMACY.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: hellpopehuey@subgenius.com (HellPopeHuey)

So Stang sez, he sez:

> > I await the inevitable follow-ups to this post from shut-ins with
> > severe and obvious mental problems, bragging about how they're going to
> > live forever due to (insert superstition here).

....my relentless pestering of the Angel of Death with endless cries
of "Am I done yet? Am I done yet? Am I done yet?" He's making me live
on out of sheer spite. I'm gonna start singing like Yoko too, maybe
motivate him a little.

--

HellPope Huey® hellpopehuey@subgenius©.com
Will you still love me if I pass out at dinner
through no real fault of my own?

"Alright, you primitive screwheads, listen up:
This is my BOOM stick!"
- "Army of Darkness"

...no matter how closely I study it,
no matter how I take it apart,
no matter how I break it down,
It remains consistent.
I wish you were here to see it.
I like it!
- King Crimson, "Indiscipline"

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Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: Champion Jack Codini <Codini@subgeniusdot.whatever>
Newsgroups: alt.slack

On Tue, 22 Apr 2003 11:22:21 -0700, "nu-monet v5.0"
<nothing@succeeds.com> said:
>Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
>>
>> I await the inevitable follow-ups to this
>> post from shut-ins with severe and obvious
>> mental problems, bragging about how they're
>> going to live forever due to (insert
>> superstition here).
>>
>>Nah, yev got it all wrong there, bucko.
>>We appreciate the release of death. The final
>freedom from this cesspit of iniquity which is
>THE CON, this Dearth Star, this Makeworktrix.
>>YOU, however, get to live forever. We'll MAKE
>you.

>Even when you're tiny and shrivelled and
>living in an old mayonnaise jar filled with this
>creamy yellowish nutrient and skin softening
>solution,

Whadda ya mean WHEN?

>Until late at night, when the janitor comes in to
>mop the floor, pull the cork on the bottom of
>your jar, then re-fill it with a latex tube from
>the 55 gallon drum supplied by a nationally known
>fast food restaurant chain.

I'm going to cut the soles off of my shoes
climb a tree and learn how to play the flute

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: Champion Jack Codini <Codini@subgeniusdot.whatever>

On Tue, 22 Apr 2003 12:00:12 -0400, "Rev. Ivan Stang"
<stang@subgenius.com> said:

>I haven't seen so many people my own age in one place since the
>Festival of Life in 1973. They looked pretty bad then at age 20, and
>they look much much worse now.

Was that the one in Louisiana? with Johnny Winter?
I know I was at somethin' like that, I think...
I have long term loss of my short term memory

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Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack

That's right, it was in Louisiana. Only they had to move it around a
lot just before it started and it started a few days late. I don't
remember Johnny Winter but I saw Chuck Berry & Amboy Dukes, and a lot
more which I likewise cannot remember. The first thing I saw at that
festival was a young, naked, long haired, DEFORMED GIANT (a man
afflicted with giantism), SHOOTING UP. It was Fellini all the way, from
that point on. There was a swimming hole full of naked people,
including naked people fucking, and a mud slide where I saw many lads
clustered like ticks around an obese woman, smearing her with mud.

It was more like Altamount than Woodstock, as I understand those events
(having seen the movies).

A decade later I was at a Willie Nelson 4th of July Picnic, as an
assistant cameraman, and that festival was far far worse in terms of
hard drugs, violence and sickness. I saved a woman on downers from
drowning, and her boyfriend on downers tried to beat the shit out of me
for it. And the cameraman didn't film ANY of it.

Codini, you were probably that doped up boyfriend, weren't you? Did you
have long stringy hair back then and say things like "Guh bleh ARRRGH
raah bluuuhhh" a lot?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: 50-year-olds as far as the eye can see
From: Champion Jack Codini <Codini@subgeniusdot.whatever>
Newsgroups: alt.slack

1983?
Well, my hair was darker AND longer back then...but,...
Nope not me.
My parole didn't extend to Texas.

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Original file name: 50-year-olds as far as the eyeE - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:44