Subject: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Apr 15, 2003 1:01 PM

THEY WILL BE LATE!

FUCK that shit. FUCK the taxes. Besides it only means I'll get the
refund a little later, it's not like the late-fee percentage of Zero is
gonna break me. They know about blood from stones and all that. They've
audited me. (The social security and witholding were already UNTIMELY
RIPP'D out of our paychecks anyway.)

I knew the taxes weren't fated to be in on time yesterday afternoon, on
the way back from Strongsville, when the unmarked cop car behind me
turned on his flashing lights.

"Sir, do you know what I pulled you over for?"

"NO." An honest answer. For all I knew, he didn't even NOTICE the out
of date tags. (He had, and the anti-muffler too.) They always ask if
you know why they pulled you over. Many is the dumbass who, instead of
saying, "No," said "OH MY GAWD I KNOWED I SHOULDN'TA LET THAT GUY TALK
ME INTO THAT DRUG DEAL, YOU GOT ME, BUT BEFORE YOU BUST ME FOR THE 50
POUNDS OF POT IN THE TRUNK, JUST TELL ME WHICH SON OF A BITCH RATTED ON
ME, OFFICER!" when all the cop wanted was to tell the dumbass his left
brake light was out.

It was not my day. I was wearing a neck brace most of the time, for one
thing. Hurt my back exercising my back so it wouldn't get hurt so
easily.

He said my car was unlawful to drive so we had to sit there until a tow
truck came. (Which I'll have to pay for tonight.) Then he dropped me
off at a service station near downtown so I could call my wife to come
save me -- IN THE LAST FIVE MINUTES BEFORE SHE GOT OFF WORK, IF SHE
HADN'T LEFT FOR HOME ALREADY!! And THE PAY PHONE WAS BROKEN! (I FIXED
it believe it or not, and got the call to her in time to save us both
an hour of driving and waiting.)

I had perfectly nice conversations with the cop, the girls at the
service station, and the bums who assumed I was one of them.

But when I got home I discovered that due to hurrying I had fucked up
-- and that my 3 hour conversion process to turn PREDOBBS STANGFILMS
into a DivX avi had been FOR NOUGHT. NHGH has it now.

It was one of those days. Everything I touched broke, and then I had to
fix it all. I guess the good side of it was that I WAS able to fix it
all.

Tonight I have to go halfway to Strongsville again to get my car out of
the pound, using these shiny new 30-DAY TEMPORARY PLATES that I
procured this morning for $5. Then straight to the Iraqi car repair
guys down the road. (They're working cheap these days. The guy named
"Jihad" changed his name tag to "Jerry.") Then the fucking god damn
tree hugger EMISSIONS TEST. Then another wait in the Bureau of Motor
Vehicles line again. Finally I'll be legal. Not that the CLEVELAND
HEIGHTS cops would care. I've been tooling right by their station for a
YEAR with those bad plates.

BUT!! THE GLASS IS HALF FULL! This INVOLUNTARY SLACK has FORCED me to
BLOW OFF THE TAXES. Ah yes. 'Cause what difference is TWO WEEKS gonna
make once they're LATE, right? Ahhhhhh. Slaaaaaaack.

Oh yeah... almost forgot. The guns and drugs.

I look and talk like any harmless old E-Commerce Hippie, but suddenly
the cop told me to please unlock my passenger side door and then put
both my hands on the steering wheel and keep them there. FOR HE HAD
SEEN THE HANDLE OF A GREAT BIG HUGE HUNTING KNIFE STICKING OUT FROM
UNDER MY SEAT!! However he quickly discovered, hand on gun, that it was
ONLY the handle. This broken-off knife was a prop that used to appear
to be stuck in the "Bob" dummy of yore, and before that was attached to
"Dead Nazi Log," a Log toy I made for my daughter using a log, a Nazi
helmet and the knife-handle. Good thing the cop hadn't had too many
cups of coffee that day.

Later when we were waiting for the tow truck and he was writing me a
ticket, he said, "Now are there any valuable in your vehicle? How about
any prescription drugs or nonprescription drugs, or legal or illegal
drugs?" Like I was supposed to say, "Only the 50 pounds of pot, sir,
but it's well hidden." Actually since I am unfortunately "clean" these
days (due ONLY to health needs I assure you), the cop could tell I
really was not nervous about anything like that. But I felt like
saying, "Officer, if you'd of pulled me over in this van ten years ago,
you'd a had you a FIELD DAY!" But I didn't feel like it was a good idea
to joke about, you know, terrorism and such.

In closing I will tell you this all-important fact that I have learned
about life. When you convert a video that was shot DV style at 29.97
frames per second, to 24 frames a second, in order to save file size on
your eventual DivX downloadable movie, the resulting movie has a very
slight but eventually maddening stutter to its motion... faint rhythmic
spasms where frames were dropped. It's almost subliminal but definitely
NOT cool if you can avoid it. I found that saving the miniaturized
movie rendered at 29.97 or 30 fps doesn't cost nearly as much in file
size as one would expect -- worth the better frame rate if the whole
movie is short enough to still fit on a 700 mb CDR that way. Which is
the goal.

I already have these movies on CDR as VCD MPEGs but, while those WILL
play on a DVD player, they are not nearly the fine resolution of DivX
(a pirate's codec format used in internet movie file trading but not
installed in many Con-built DVD players, although it is far superior to
the legal human codecs.)

FUCK THE FUCKING HUMANS AND THEIR INFERIOR VIDEO COMPRESSION SCHEMES
AND THEIR TAXES AND EMISSIONS TESTS! AND FUCK DEATH AND AGING TOO!

Involuntary Slack helps you do all that and more.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
>
> THEY WILL BE LATE!
>> FUCK that shit. FUCK the taxes.
>> I knew the taxes weren't fated to be in on
> time yesterday afternoon, on the way back
> from Strongsville, when the unmarked cop
> car behind me turned on his flashing lights.

Well, actually, yer pretty DAMN lucky that that
that that agent caught you in time. Had you made
it another block or two it would have been too
late and they would've got you.

By now you would have been in a dingy motel
somewhere, trying to decide whether to eat the
ecru pill or the mauve pill. Which is a real
BITCH, because they don't tell you which is which.

But, on the plus side, REST ASSURED that when you
DO pay your taxes, the money will go to support
THE WAR EFFORT, with only a little bit diverted
to help other religions' faith based initiatives.

taht.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

What does my death go to support? Not that it matters, but it's another
thing I can't do anything about.

I knew a guy who didn't file at all for 10 years.

Then came THE CALL. The Little Man from the Tax Board.

Later, the end result was that he became a tax expert. He had to, since
they had noticed him EXTRA and never stopped watching him after that.
Unfortunately, taxes were literally all he could talk for about 3
years. He finally got over the damage.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:

> What does my death go to support? Not that it
> matters, but it's another thing I can't do
> anything about.

You answered your own question:
"The Little Man from the Tax Board."
You thought dying was free?
Life is only the BEGINNING of taxes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: "Dunter Powries" <fech.redcap@spedlins>

Rev. Ivan Stang <stang@subgenius.com> wrote ...

> What does my death go to support? Not that it matters, but it's another
> thing I can't do anything about.

I have an entire notebook of quotes that I've written and intend to
attribute to you as soon as you're dead.

> Later, the end result was that he became a tax expert. He had to, since
> they had noticed him EXTRA and never stopped watching him after that.
> Unfortunately, taxes were literally all he could talk for about 3
> years. He finally got over the damage.

I SAW THAT MOVIE! It was a Hitchcock film with Cary Grant and Grace Kelly,
right?

--
"Our initial assessment is that they will all die."
-Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Dunter Powries <fech.redcap@spedlins> wrote:
> Rev. Ivan Stang <stang@subgenius.com> wrote ...

> I SAW THAT MOVIE! It was a Hitchcock film with Cary Grant and Grace Kelly,
> right?

Sorry -- Brian de Palma, with John Travolta and Rosie O'Donnell. You
must have been REALLY drunk.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: Rabbi Shankar <me@privacy.net>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
> on the way back from Strongsville, when the unmarked cop car behind me
> turned on his flashing lights.

MAN, I would think you've been here long enough to know about that
Linndale speed trap. For those that do not know, this tiny little
city called Linndale has about 800 feet of I71 going through their
burg. They keep a cop on it almost all the time. I think it's their
only patrol car.

(you did say it was Linndale, yes?)

> I had perfectly nice conversations with the cop, the girls at the
> service station, and the bums who assumed I was one of them.

WOAH! Wait a minnit. You're *not*? *WELL* tonight, you should embrace
the reason that you are not 'one of them', and tell her how LUCKY you
are that she keeps you! Truly.

> Finally I'll be legal. Not that the CLEVELAND
> HEIGHTS cops would care. I've been tooling right by their station for a
> YEAR with those bad plates.

Again, I say: WOAH! MAN, you got it going the hard way. What most
folks do down this part of town is simply put another set of
temporary tags on it every month. The guy who used to live next door
did it to his pick up for THREE YEARS. Don't ask me how. But they
were always valid.

> I look and talk like any harmless old E-Commerce Hippie,

I.E.: Unwashed and yet polysyllabic.

> In closing I will tell you this all-important fact that I have learned
> about life. When you convert a video that was shot DV style at 29.97

Never did care for video much. Radio man all the way.

> FUCK THE FUCKING HUMANS AND THEIR INFERIOR VIDEO COMPRESSION SCHEMES
> AND THEIR TAXES AND EMISSIONS TESTS! AND FUCK DEATH AND AGING TOO!

Indubitably.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Rabbi Shankar <me@privacy.net> wrote:

> (you did say it was Linndale, yes?)

That's right. And tonight I was at the Linndale Town Hall/Police
Station. One building. Two cop cars.
In Satanic league with a tow company that charges $120.

> Again, I say: WOAH! MAN, you got it going the hard way. What most
> folks do down this part of town is simply put another set of
> temporary tags on it every month. The guy who used to live next door
> did it to his pick up for THREE YEARS. Don't ask me how. But they
> were always valid.

Hmmm. Now that IS an idea. The BMV is real nearby.

But I'll probably just spring for a muffler.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>

My nightmare is that one day I meet God, and he's real, and he's
wearing a necktie.

--

Hurricanes to be considered terrorist acts. God said to be worried

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: "Ned Wreck" <NedWreck@usenetserver.com>

"Joe Cosby" wrote:

> My nightmare is that one day I meet God, and he's real, and he's
> wearing a necktie.

Sheeit, that fucker wears a bowtie. And it doesn't spin, neither.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: "Gigantittythropus" <phlowhole@subgummy.com>

I fucked my taxes last night, yeah. Man, they were really tight and juicy. I
was humpin' all over them just like a little dog. We got all sweaty and
foamy and stuff. Finally, I realized that this was just too much fun to let
go of. So, even though I had actually finished with my taxes, I filed an
extention just so I could diddle them again tonight, and tomorrow.....

Philo

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: "Rabbi Jacklyn Hyde" <rabbs@subgenius.com>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote...

> But I felt like
> saying, "Officer, if you'd of pulled me over in this van ten years ago,
> you'd a had you a FIELD DAY!" But I didn't feel like it was a good idea
> to joke about, you know, terrorism and such.

"Those aren't the drugs you're looking for..."

--With love, the Rabbs

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Gigantittythropus <phlowhole@subgummy.com> wrote:

> I fucked my taxes last night, yeah. Man, they were really tight and juicy. I
> was humpin' all over them just like a little dog. We got all sweaty and
> foamy and stuff. Finally, I realized that this was just too much fun to let
> go of. So, even though I had actually finished with my taxes, I filed an
> extention just so I could diddle them again tonight, and tomorrow.....

Me too! I'm hoping to stretch it out for a week or more. Mrs.
Shertzlinger told me not to but I'm gonna do it anyway.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES! (you'll love this)
From: "Doctor E.E. Cornhuskers" <9poundturdfart@yahoo.com>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote...

> What does my death go to support? Not that it matters, but it's another
> thing I can't do anything about.
> I knew a guy who didn't file at all for 10 years.
> Then came THE CALL. The Little Man from the Tax Board.

If you think THAT was fucked up......

http://www.drudgereport.com/flash1.htm

US Dollars Exported To Pay Iraqi Civil Servants
Wed Apr 16 2003 11:41:36 ET

As the U.S. turns from bombing Iraq to rebuilding it, the U.S.
Government is airlifting dollars from the Federal Reserve
Bank of New York to replace - - at least temporarily -- the
discredited Iraqi currency!

The WALL STREET JOURNAL is reporting on Wednesday:
As an initial step, American officials charged with the reconstruction
will use small- denomination bills to make 'emergency' payments
to hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civil servants in an effort
to quiet civic unrest and to stabilize the chaotic Iraqi economy.

Using U.S. dollars will make the U.S. currency the de facto
currency, at least in the interim -- a move that could prove
controversial in the Arab world, but one that would give the
Iraqis a currency that will retain its value despite the
uncertainties about the country's reconstruction.

--------- end------------

Hey I got a great f-n idea !

How about the FED Bank of NY sending me
and a bunch of my fellow SubG colleagues some
money, instead of sending it over to Habib and
Abdul to bribe-em away from looting another
Museum of Antiquities?

Original eh....?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: FUCK the FUCKING TAXES!
From: "Chas. 'Mark' Bee" <c-bee1@uiuc.edu>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote:
> What does my death go to support?

N-dimensional traffic lights. You don't think your soul is just gonna
get to LIE AROUND, do ya?


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