Subject: All Our Freebase Are Belong to "Bob"

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack

I have to put together an Hour of Slack today and it's a tricky
proposition, current-events-wise.

I have three ESO Radio live shows that contain about 10 or 15 minutes
of funny stuff each, once the shells have been shucked, but they're all
War-Thing-y and thick with Saddamy. My problem is, how dumb/prescient
are these cuts gonna sound three weeks from now when the copies finally
are getting played? Right now nobody even knows who's alive or dead.
The war might be slogging on 3 weeks from now, or it might have slowed
to small time last-ditch ditch-sniping, nukular bomb popping and
skyscraper-airplaning. But in Syria.

What I HALF WANT to do is a special on Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, aka
Baghdad Bob, the Iraqi Information Minister. That guy is my new hero of
bulldada. The smirking bastard who gives a press conference every day
about how the Americans have been driven insane by the Iraqi fighters
and are throwing themselves against the Baghdad walls in suicide
attacks, etc. This is not only a Bold Surrealist, but maybe the
smartest guy in the Iraqi military. He is obviously jockeying for a
position after the war as Fox TV's new "Man You Love to Hate" a la the
British asshole on "American Idol." Or perhaps in wrestling, as the
coach of all the "bad guy" wrestlers. Something like that.

He is one HELL of a performer. This snappily-dressed fellow can spout
the most implacably confident lies. Or truth, who knows. It's the sheer
CONFIDENCE with which he delivers his colorful message, and his almost
Lovecraftian language. "Saddam is in complete control as well as a
state of ineffable grace, while the criminal thugs are being
incinerated in the vat of their own insanity." While U.S. tanks are
trundling back and forth across the river.

Enjoy this dude while he's on, because he might be arrested or
oblitomized before he gets to Hollywood.

Hell... Ollie North is an embed; Peter Arnett changed jobs suddenly;
why not Baghdad Bob?

I think the guy who does the Warblog Collective coined the nickname,
but I saw Lou Dobbs call him that on CNN last night in a short special
humorous report on him.

We/I were over at iDRMRSRs last night to watch the David Lynch movie,
"Mulholland Drive," on his big screen TV, and stuff our faces, and we
did that, but I also got to see the day's news footage. I have been
feverishly reading dozens of different websites from many different
countries and stances, and looking at stills, but I don't actually see
much TV reporting. The regular network news shows, and, worse, the
local ones, are unbearable for me because of the gigantic chunks of
reality that they totally ignore in favor of dopey Jessica Lynch type
crap. But reading spy sites all day with one good dose of borrowed CNN
in the evening for the MOVING pitchers, wow... what an orgy of horrible
suspenseful weirdness. I'm not an armchair general, I'm more of a
Peeping Tom.

I'm also working on SubGenius multimedia projects which involve long
rendering and CD-burning times during which my computer can't do much
else besides browse the web, so I've been soaking in this stuff. I have
been studying my own psychological reactions. When I am reading, say,
Russian military reports on what's going on, which don't paint such a
rosy picture as the Angloid or anti-Hussein Arab sources, I get all
agitated. If I look at the obvious pro-American propaganda like CNN, I
get this warm glowing feeling which I have learned is the feeling of
EVIL. It is evil not because I don't want the war over quick, but
because I am letting LIES OF OMISSION make me feel GOOD.

People believe most quickly what they most want to hear. Baghdad Bob
knows this human tendency well and is exploiting it on the job. His
counterparts at CNN, Fox, et al LIKEWISE.

Bitter haters of George Bush will find solace in the BAD news about
American endeavors in this site featuring English translations of
Russian intelligence reports about the war:

http://www.aeronautics.ru/

I would not call this unbiased! But it is not biased in a pro-American
way, nor as kookish as Iraqi news sources. It's a good "unreality
check" to help you come down from the more prevalent unreality checks.

While watching "Mulholland Drive" last night, I kept seeing the pretty
shots of L.A. morph into smoking Baghdad... a la Horselover Fat in Phil
Dick's "Valis," seeing his modern American world overlaid with Ancient
Rome via unsynced Time DeControl. (This was induced by David Lynch's
spaced out pacing and deliberately fucked up plot and character shifts,
not drugs; Mister Sister cannot breathe our drugs and we cannot digest
his.)

This morning, everything in REAL LIFE seems to me like it's overlaid
with a moving transparency of Baghdad home movies MIXED with quirky
Fellini-eesque David Lynch bluebirds of happiness and red room dwarves.

So I guess having to get to work now on a potentially untimely Hour of
Slack is a GOOD thing.

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Subject: Re: All Our Freebase Are Belong to "Bob"
From: "cyberwank 2" <wank2by2@yahoo.com>

From: http://www.voyeurweb.com/main/Main.html

The Comedian of the Year 2003!

The Voyeurweb *proudly* assigns its 'Comedian of the Year 2003' award to
Mister El Sahhaf - Iraq's Information Minister. Throughout the last days,
Mister Sahhaf never failed to lighten our days with his wisdom and the facts
given out to international press. His deep sense of humor amazed us almost
every day since the war started. His weekend remark "There are no US troops
at Baghdad Airport" was a classy one and should go into the Hall of Fame of
Best Jokes - nobody believed that he would be able to top himself. But
then - this morning during a press conference he did it again: He topped
himself, the Marx Brothers and every comedian ever know when stating: "There
are no US tanks in Baghdad. Baghdad is safe and secured by Iraqi Forces. The
infidels lie and they show manipulated images". The jaw of every single
reporter dropped when he said that - even the journalist from a Palestine
newspaper couldn't stop his tears of true amusement. Millions of TV viewers
worldwide - both in Western and in Arabic countries, were rollling on the
floor gasping for air when this latest quote of Mister Sahhaf was aired. We
doubt that three sentences broadcasted worldwide ever brought so much
laughter to our planet. Reason enough to make Mister Sahhaf The Comedian of
the Year....and maybe reason enough for Microsoft to immediatly hire this
guy as their new marketing director worldwide. Our industry needs more
characters who never lose their optimism and cheer up the entire planet.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: All Our Freebase Are Belong to "Bob"
From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" wrote:

>What I HALF WANT to do is a special on Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, aka
>Baghdad Bob, the Iraqi Information Minister. That guy is my new hero of
>bulldada ....He is one HELL of a performer. This snappily-dressed fellow can spout
>the most implacably confident lies. Or truth, who knows. It's the sheer
>CONFIDENCE with which he delivers his colorful message, and his almost
>Lovecraftian language. "Saddam is in complete control as well as a
>state of ineffable grace, while the criminal thugs are being
>incinerated in the vat of their own insanity." While U.S. tanks are
>trundling back and forth across the river.

No hay banda.

--

"God, grant me SERENITY to deal with problems I can't change,
COURAGE to face the challenges of all other problems and
WISDOM to hide the bodies of those who fuck with me."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: All Our Freebase Are Belong to "Bob"
From: "Artemia Salina" <y2k@sheayright.com>

On Tue, 08 Apr 2003 09:02:02 -0400, Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:

> What I HALF WANT to do is a special on Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, aka
> Baghdad Bob, the Iraqi Information Minister.

Please do that special! I've been loving this guy since the shooting started
and he only gets better each day. I especially love his constant smirk, as
though he's saying to himself, "I can't BELIEVE these idiots are still listening
to me! Watch how they react to THIS one!" I fully expect him to cut a press
conference short with the excuse that he has to meet with other officials to
prepare for Baghdad's upcoming tourist season. And discovering that he has
been dubbed Baghdad "Bob" was a scream! Only J.R. "Bob" Dobbs Himself could
sell a lie with more balls.

I just wish he'd speak in english more often. He's quite fluent but his speeches
lose something in the translation. Of course, if someone were to record one of
his speeches in Arabic and do their OWN translation they might be able to ADD
something to it. Hint, hint.

You look like a FOOL in that SUV.

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Subject: Re: All Our Freebase Are Belong to "Bob"
From: bobdiddley@aol.com (Bobdiddley)

Stang sayed:
>What I HALF WANT to do is a special on Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, aka
>Baghdad Bob, the Iraqi Information Minister.

And I agree the hell out of this post - BB rocks and rolls on - "Damn the
reality! Full speed ahead!"

I am so disillusioned - I just found out that there REALLY IS a tv show called
Married By America. Hell, I thought this was a SatNiteLive put-on, or
something. I mean, not EVEN Murkan tv in the 21st Century could come up with
THAT! The Crassness Bar is set way high, fellows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: All Our Freebase Are Belong to "Bob"
From: iDRMRSR <idrmrsr@subgenius.com>

Hey, Stang, too bad the world isn't produced and directed by David
Lynch. You could get a lot more mileage out of the war footage that
way. The war wouldn't end, but instead would start in the middle and
then the sides would change over and it would reappear somewhere else
between a clip of a closeup of a ceiling fan and a dancing midget.

Just can't get all hung up on the linearity of time and the constancy of
individuals. Everything is interchangeable and transforms into
something else. Then your war audio would be timely again, since in
three weeks, the war wouldn't have even begun.

That's what I was thinking about after you left. No wait, that wasn't
ME thinking. It was the other me.

Did you guys see a blue key, I seem to have lost mine.

Today the leftover pastrami from last night congealed into the shape of
Ann Miller's nose.

Well, that was a hell of a nice evening, even if it didn't happen yet.
Maybe some time I will take Mulholland Drive and splice it back together
in order like you did with Memento. I'll make a note to get right on it
when yesterday rolls around, and let someone else do it.

-----

Silencio!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: All Our Freebase Are Belong to "Bob"
From: Unclaimed Mysteries <k4doh@mindspring.com>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote in part:

> Enjoy this dude while he's on, because he might be arrested or
> oblitomized before he gets to Hollywood.

GOD WILL GRILL THEIR BELLIES IN HELL!!!!

"Here I am, the CEO of a multibillion-dollar company, and I'm having to
answer about what some weirdo has said on a message board." - Richard
Scrushy

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Original file name: All Our Freebase Are Belong to - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:45