The Enigma of Michael Jackson's Loves and Offspring

From: "Pretzelcoatl" <pretzel@coatl.atl>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Mar 6, 2003 1:55 AM

Let us review some important issues. First, the children:

1. Prince Michael Jackson II - Original name. Strange, considering that
there was never a Prince Michael Jackson I, but strange is the order of the
day. When Prince Michael Jackson II (aka "Blanket") was born, the original
Prince Michael Jackson's name was changed to "Prince." Allegedly the spawn
of MJ and Debbie Rowe, former MJ dermatologist ("Just tell them it's
vitaglio and never mention the bleachings") and alleged uterus-for-hire.
Possibly born of Rowe, yet due to some arcane alchemy of genetics,
PMJII/Prince is whiter than the Queen of Denmark. Whatever. It's none of our
business, which is why we MUST review these historical facts.

2. Paris - The female. Cruel speculation calls her "the ignored one."
Snatched immediately from mother's, um, self, placenta and all. Whisked
immediately and personally by MJ to Neverland. Also said to be born of Rowe
and MJ or his turkey baster. Also apparently devoid of any evidence of
partial African-Americanism. Per MJ, this is because "they used to call us
colored people because we come in all colors. My grandfather had green
eyes."

3. Prince Michael Jackson II - AKA "Blanket." Allegedly the spawn of MJ and,
mysteriously, an African-American woman with whom MJ had a relationship,
although he simultaneously claims not to know who the mother is while also
claiming that he's under legal contract not to reveal her identity. Cruel
speculation says "he bought a baby and can't keep his stories straight," but
that is only the cruel speculation of the ignorant.

Deeply heterosexual, MJ has enjoyed two marriages. First to the daughter of
the King of Pop, ye olde Elvii, then to aforementioned Dr. Rowe. Crazed and
confused by the breakup of his niece's beautiful family, Ms.
Presley-Jackson-Coppola-Presley's uncle posted a website openly accusing MJ
of improper desires for the underaged. Allegedly, the blissful bride chanced
upon a certain banned book in MJ's bedroom closet, whereupon she came to
believe that the evil rumors of the ignorant might be true, and requested
divorce, which was granted without much further ado besides the exchange of
large quantities of filthy lucre, much to the Church of Scientology's
dismay. Recently, Ms. Presley wed one Nicholas Cage (née Coppola,) divorcing
him one month later, much to the bewilderment and hilarity of everyone,
everywhere. Unfortunately, Mr. Cage continues to be cast in films.

Mr. Jackson never actually slept in a hyperbaric chamber. He intentionally
had that "story" planted in the Paper of Record, the National Enquirer so as
to put forth public image of eccentricity. Rather, he slept in a perfectly
normal bed, Kieran on this side, McCauley on that. He did, however, bid for
the purchase of the skeletal remains of one Mr. John Merrick, aka "The
Elephant Man," although said remains were never for sale.

That is enough alleged American History for now.

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Original file name: The Enigma of Michael.txt - converted on Friday, 13 June 2003, 22:41