Subject: Badfilm review

From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack

A badfilm synopsis written by a friend. Friday, have you seen it? I want
to find this one now.

"Wing Commander Sandcastle" <ollie.sandcastle@ntlworld.com> wrote in message
news:anias0$ej0kv$1@ID-73971.news.dfncis.de...

"Fire Maidens of Outer Space" -

Synopsis, according to this Constant Reader:

1. Directed by CY ROTH (this fact is REPEATEDLY asserted throughout the
start credits).

2) I can't recall whether or not this is the same director (probably not)
who directed "The Lost Continent", but it does include various scenes that
could, shall we say, benefit from editing. For example, to start off, we
see this bloke travelling transcontinental and it is a mercy that we don't
have to read the in-flight magazine also. Eventually he reaches London Airport.
Then he is met by a stiff lipped English person who conveys him to some
Byzantine construction that turns out to be an observatory. OK. So, in
there, we learn about the 13th moon of Jupiter, that just so turns out to
have a terracompatible kinda spectograph and such, so fairly immediately a
V2 (judging by the stock footage) gets pressed into service to act as the
somewhat crappily rendered Interplanetary Ship. During the launch, no-one
in the control room dares move a muscle, which tends to beg the question: how
the hell will the rocket make it through acoustic shock? But, anyway.
Actually, the footage in this part of the movie does remind me of "Lost
Continent", but you'll no doubt be pleased to know there's no dodgy kind
of ex-Nazi kind of geezer hanging around and such.

When the crew leave the Earth, they are clean shaven and have nice shiny
uniforms. Three weeks later, their essential demeanour has not changed one
iota, and there is very little evidence indeed of injuries sustained while
squabbling over travel Scrabble and the like.

By the way, they take off from some place in Essex.

They get in orbit or whatever around the 13th moon and a voice comes over
the intercom and gives them landing co-ordinates, like the mysterious
alien intelligence would have foreknowledge of any and all co-ordinate systems
employed by an utterly novel [sic] alien intelligence [sic]. But I digress.

Somehow, they land in the spot where they're told, and it turns out that
they land back in Essex again, judging by the terrain. In fact, throughout
the movie, one is fraught with the possibility that someone might
encounter some ancient, once proud remnant of that mighty realm, oh, I dunno, a
rusted Ford Capri or some such, thus prompting a very famous soliliquy...but,
time tarries not, so...

I forgot to mention that enroute to the planet they are attacked by space
popcorn, which inexplicably causes one of the blokes on the spaceship to
compare the popcorn onslaught with the event of his wife getting upset.
Um.

The geezers disembark and immediately a bunch of fireworks get launched at
them. They must be them crappy Standard Fireworks, as the effect on the
crew is fairly minimal. They decide to start the exploration by running through
a bunch of cornfields, presumably in the vicinity of Essex. There are a
couple of shots after they land, wherein the director rather brilliantly appears
to make native (i.e, indigeneous to this planet and Essex) flora look a bit
dodgy and sinister, e.g the camera cautiously pans across some trees.

Eventually they come to some sort of copper thingummy, which they make
half-assed conjectures about, then they come to this bit where this bird
in a short skirt is being hassled by what looks like Charlton Heston on a
diet wearing all that sort of thing that the S.A.S go in for, e.g his face is
smeared with mud. The camouflage is a bit crap, to say the least.

Anyhoo, Designated Hero Bloke #1 fires a gas bomb at Charlton, and he
relinguishes his hold on the girl. The girly then leads a couple of the
blokes over to where she hangs out, but the rest of the geezers don't go
into the spot where the others go, and eventually return to the ship.

Anyhow, the main geezers go into this spot, and there's like one old guy,
called Kroesseus or whatever the hell, and he turns out to be the only
bloke wot survives from Atlantis or something, and the only other survivors are
a whole bunch of cheerleaders, seemingly.

A lot of the shots in the rest of the film involve close ups of these
delightful short skirt sirens approaching, either at bosom or thigh level.

The blokes get drugged with some wine, and in the morning get served some
totally cool hangover kind of cure, the Designated Hero #1 gets fawned
over a lot by probably the best looking bird, e.g the one he first rescued, the
old bloke is a bit dodgy generally and eventually gets killed by "Charlton
Heston", who actually turns out to be the minotaur, who is indestructible
according to the old geezer, but, basically, he ain't, 'cos Designated
Hero #1 fires another gas bomb at him while (pause to take a bit of a drink of
something) his by this time girlfriend is being about to be sacrificed to
some god or other (the god of Hellfire, presumably), and she was being
sacrificed 'cos some other bird got a bit jealous, or whatever. But,
anyhow, once Charlton is knackered, everyone kind of makes up, and Designated Hero
#1 makes off with the rescued bird, though there's still a whole bunch of
really cor blimey ones left on the planet. The other geezers in the crew,
rather than deciding to spend the rest of their lives in the Elysian
Fields with prime rumpy pumpy elect instead to make some vague promise of sending
further expeditions DUH! Then the V2 footage starts up again and it's THE
END.

It was a cheesy movie, but, er, it had its, um, y'know.

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Original file name: Badfilm review - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:39