HOW TO STOP SHITTING

Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Jun 13, 2002 10:29 AM

In article <lGNN8.5318$9b.346466@typhoon.austin.rr.com>, Rev. Magdalen
<magdalen@subgenius.com> wrote:

> IMMODIUM A-D is what! This stuff is AMAZING!! When I was a kid if you got
> diarrhea, you were down for at least a day -- until your bowels were
> completely emptied, and if it was caused by a virus, it might not stop
> there, it could go on for DAYS! Days of agony and exhaustion!
>
> NOT ANYMORE! Nowadays, you get diarrhea, you take two pills and in half an
> hour or less you simply don't have it any more. BAM! GONE! You're better
> just like that! If only they could do that for the common cold instead of
> all those medicines that you take and then in half an hour you still have a
> cold but you're so high you don't care anymore.
>
> Someday our creators will return from Nibiru and they will say "Oh,
> blackheaded people, what have you accomplished in the 3,600 years since our
> last visit?? You still have poverty, war, hunger, and you've wrecked your
> atmosphere and water as well! Perhaps we should wipe this planet clean of
> you!" And we will say, "All this is true, O Great Ones, but look! We have
> conquered DIARRHEA!" And the Nibiruans will marvel at Immodium A-D, and
> then they will say "Very well then! We will teach you the secrets of
> interstellar travel and sponsor your admission into the Galactic
> Federation." HOORAY!!

Ha, you lucky diarrhetics! Whining about how you COULDN'T STOP
SHITTING! In MY day, we were lucky if we had anything TO shit! And even
if, by some rare chance, or due to a holiday, there was something worth
shitting, why, then, you developed SPASTIC COLON! In fact, you could
get the damn SPASTIC COLON or "IRRITABLE BOWEL" attack whether or not
there was any shit to be had -- INDEPENDENT of shittery or the lack
thereof, you'd get JUST THE CRAMPS!

But then the Con traded hundreds of abducted Americans to the aliens
for the secret of:

HYOSCYAMINE!!

In huge doses it stops panic attacks and makes you enjoy Pinkness. But
in small doses iy simply SHUTS DOWN YOUR BOWELS TOTALLY!

WHATEVER your bowels were thinking about doing! Just WHAM. One of
these friendly little white pills under your tongue and before it's all
dissolved, AHHHHH!!! BLESSED SURCEASE FROM DEEP INNER GUT CRAMPS! Also
shuts down every other lower bowel function for several hours.

THERE IS HOPE!!

I read in the Science News the other day that they invented not only a
cure but a vaccine for brain tumor cancer in rats (and probably humans,
once they've tested it for 20 years to make sure it doesn't harm anyone
who has brain tumors.)

Now see, this is the sort of GOOD news that They don't TALK about
between commercials on the TV news. You have to actively be SEEKING
medical and science news to catch anything good.

THEY would rather make it seem like HUMANITY NOR SUBGENII have a DAMN
THING to show for themselves. That all is HOPELESS and there is NO
"BOB" so you might as well GIVE UP and be a TEAM PLAYER.

But there IS Immodium A-D, there IS hyoscyamine, and THERE IS A "BOB"
so FUCK 'em.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 204206, Austin, TX 78720-4206
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com
For SubGenius Biz & Orders: call toll free to 1-888-669-2323
or email: jesus@subgenius.com
PRABOB

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: joecosby@mindspring.com (Joe Cosby)

Well yeah that's good news but what worries me is this.

They test all this stuff on rats. And, like you say, for 20 years
before they try it on humans.

So, good for humans, but WHAT ABOUT THE RATS?

First, the rats are having their gene pool heavily heavily darwinized
by the -unsuccesful- experiments. We are breeding a species of SUPER
LAB RATS. And -then-, these SUPERRATS are getting ALL THE GOOD
MEDICINE FIRST.

So we have a race of SUPERRATS with VASTLY SUPERIOR MEDICAL
TECHNOLOGY.

Am I the only one who that makes nervous?

>Now see, this is the sort of GOOD news that They don't TALK about
>between commercials on the TV news. You have to actively be SEEKING
>medical and science news to catch anything good.

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com

"Islam is a religion in which God requires
you to send your son to die for him.
Christianity is a faith in which God sends
his son to die for you."
--Attorney General John Ashcroft

"Subgenius is a religion where you send "Bob" your money, and you get
to kill him."
--The Reverend Doctor Lieutenant Chaos Israel.

Sig by Kookie Jar 5.98d http://go.to/generalfrenetics/

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: HellPopeHuey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>

Whadda we have to show? A grinning aborigine sporting a Madonna t-shirt as a
prized possession. If that doesn't call for a
planet-wide revisiting of Dresden, well shit, I dunno what does.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
United We Stand...usually on someone's balls

"Yeah, all you have to is buy ___ and ___ and ___ and you'll be FLYIN"!"
Yes, to Whatatabasco, to jump into the festive active volcano,
clad in a Scooby-Doo thong and tricornered captain's hat
with COMPOSER spelled out along the brim in red LEDs.
BLARGH, I say, BLARGH!"
- HellPope Huey

"I think you're talking to a toilet!"
- "Phantom Investigators"

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Original file name: Re- What does Humanit.txt - converted on Thursday, 29 May 2003, 19:17