Re: Dobbs sportn' 'is pipe

From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.magick,alt.freemasonry,alt.slack
Date: Wed, Mar 19, 2003 11:11 PM

BAD TRIP
Dr. Hieronymous Zinn

Bobby Fenster was half scared out of his wits.
He had been trying to keep his cool for a day now, after
laying down some serious cash for his first ever 'Frop, then
paranoically spending hours hiding and re-hiding it from his
parents and his nosy little sister, Mary Eileen.
He was aware that the penalties for 'Possession and/or Use
of Forbidden Substances' were right out of the Middle Ages.
But the hardest part had been getting the "stuff" in the
first place, for Bobby had little respect or friendship in the
school after having been caught masturbating during a "Miracle
of Birth" movie in biology class.
After numerous attempts, all greeted with sneers and
derision, his 'connection' turned out to be the strange Mr.
Dobbs, the weird school janitor. Mr. Dobbs had insisted that
he read several bizarre pamphlets before he would sell the
"stuff" to him.
Bobby took the pamphlets, but trashed them without a glance,
because he figured Dobbs was a member of some kind of suicide-
cult, like he had heard about in the news, and he didn't want
to shave his head, wear Nikes, or cut off his balls.
Now that he had gotten the "merchandise," he thought that he
had it all figured out. Saturday was Dad's day to go
fishing, Mom would be at her garden club all day, and Mary
Eileen would be with her friends at one of their houses
all day, followed by a sleep-over. No matter how weird he
figured he would get, he guessed that, with at least six
hours to "come down", he could 'hang'--or 'hang' long enough
to convincingly fake being sick so he could crash in his room
until he was straight.
And today was X-day, he said to himself: Saturday.
Just to be on the safe side, he planned to handcuff
himself to his heavy bookcase away from any sharp or blunt
objects, or windows to jump out of.
He had heard all of the weird shit that might happen:
bad trips where someone would rape their dog, kill their
parents, and burn down the house before their head exploded.
The government films showed entire psychiatric wards filled
with 'Frop users who had lobotomized themselves, but the films
had little credibility, the students having seen the same
"gorks" in another film about beer drinkers. Or was it
smokers? Most likely it was both.
Mostly, he listened to his peers, when they would let him,
as they told him of ecstatic journeys through realms of
fantasy and inspiration. He still figured that they were just
bull-shitting, but his curiosity had been piqued.
At home, in his room, his reveries were interrupted by his
Mom, gently rapping on his door.
"Be sure to clean your room today dear. And vacuum this
time. I don't want you to live in a pig sty!"
"Right, Mom!"
Shit, he thought. That will eat up at least an hour. A
precious hour when he might by witnessing the secrets of the
universe! An hour when he might achieve cosmic oneness, or
some shit like that. And for something as mundane and stupid
as cleaning his room!
At least we have a new vacuum, he thought. The old one
would have taken twice as long. It was an unreliable piece of
crap.
"Hey, asshole!", yelled his little sister through the door,
a short time later.
"My friends are coming over tonight for a pajama party.
You'd better stay in your room and leave us alone! And no
peeking or I'll tell Mom and Dad and the Police and you'll
be in such shit you'll need a shovel to dig your way out, ya
perv!" she shouted, just loud enough to irritate him, but not
loud enough for their parents to hear.
"Yeah, yeah." Shit, shit, shit. The girls had picked his
house! Any other time and he would have been really looking
forward to it. Any other time he would be peeking at the
half-dozen half-naked babes strutting around, through a secret
hole he knew about in the aluminum siding, while vigorously
pulling his pud.
Just thinking about it started to give him a woody.
But then a third knock came on the door.
"Well, son," it was Dad, "you're sure you don't want to come
along for some fishin'? Mighty fine fishin' this time of
year!" He pictured his dad, standing outside of his door, a
pipe jutting from his mouth.
"No thanks, anyway, Dad, I have a lot of homework to do"
he said.
Jeezus, how many times to I have to tell you, you old fart!,
he thought. What's a guy got to do to get some privacy around
here! Does everybody have to get in my face?
Crap! If I want fish, I can go to the store for fucking
fish. Why waste a whole damn day.
As an afterthought, he again pondered all of that 'Red
Snapper' that would be at the pajama party tonight.
Woody again.
Oh hell, I can watch them anytime I like!, he lied to
himself, but 'Frop!
Good 'Frop may only come along once in a lifetime!
Finally, after a long, sweaty wait, the whole family got
the hell out of the house. Mary Eileen was last, screaming
something mean at him before heading to her friend's house for
the girls' rendezvous.
"The clock is running," he said to himself, jumping out of
bed.
How much of this stuff should I eat?, he thought.
Christ, if I don't eat enough, I won't get high at all, and
if I eat too much, I'll probably gouge out my eyeballs with a
shrimp fork and stick my dick up my butt.
To play it safe, he ate the whole package.
Expecting an instant effect, he handcuffed himself to the
bookcase and waited.
After a while, he made a sudden realization. Shit! I
haven't cleaned up my room!
Maybe I still have time, he thought, before the 'Frop kicks
in. Releasing himself from the bookcase, he frantically
started picking up things, and was just about finished when
the light dawned--he hadn't vacuumed. His Mom would be sure
to notice. Frantically, he pieced together the new machine,
right out of the box.
I wonder how long it has been, he thought, before looking
out his window.
Wow!, he said, staring at the sun. It was almost evening
already. Time sure flies when you're having fun. I must be
getting high!
Nervously assembling the new vacuum, he momentarily
panicked when it wouldn't switch on, before realizing that
the room wall switch for his overhead light also controlled
the wall socket.
Varoom!, went the machine.
Yes!, he thought, I'll be done in no time, jamming the
hose attachment into the carpet.
"Ouch!" said the vacuum. Bobby jumped backwards,
terrified. "What the fuck?"
"Don't do it that way," said the vacuum in a distinctly
feminine and sexy voice. "Be gentle. Use long, slow, easy
strokes. A little foreplay would be nice, too!" it said.
"What the fuck? A talking vacuum?"
"Oh--I'm not just any vacuum! I'm a magical vacuum!," said
the machine.
"No shit?," said Bobby.
"You've heard of a genie in a bottle? Well, I'm a
beautiful young girl, with a dynamite body, and I've been
trapped in a vacuum. I'm sooo lonely, and I've only got this
little see-through teddy nightgown to wear."
"No shit?," said Bobby again, then remembering his
manners, he asked "Uh, do you want to, uh, get out?"
"Oh, more than anything," said the vacuum, "I would be just
so grateful to the handsome young man who would let me out.
He would be my lord and master. I would just do anything for
a stud like that! But after fifteen minutes, I would have to
return to the vacuum. It's a part of the curse."
"But, she continued, "you would be able to summon me to come
out again--any time you liked!"
Far fuckin' out!, thought Bobby to himself. He let go of
the hose and started to vigorously rub the vacuum.
"Oh, tee hee hee, that won't work," giggled the vacuum,
"but it does kind of tickle. "First you have to remove the
hose, and then..," she explained the rest to Bobby.
Needless to say, Bobby was a little apprehensive about
putting his penis in the front end of a deluxe floor model,
and was having a hard time trying to get it up for the task,
when the image of Mary Eileen's pajama party popped into his
head. No further problem--as he was instantly rock hard.
It was a tight fit, and Bobby had to push very hard to get
it all of the way in. He was about to start stroking,
according to the vacuum's directions, when suddenly:
"CLANK!"
A vicelike metal clamp had become tightly affixed
around his penis. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! HEY! LEGGO!,"
shouted Bobby.
Gone was the soft, female voice. In its place was a
voice--a voice that sounded harsh, male, and inhumanly alien.
"ATTENTION, EARTHLING. WE ARE INVADERS FROM THE PLANET
ZAXXON. WE HAVE CONTROL OF YOUR PENIS. UNLESS YOU OBEY OUR
INSTRUCTIONS WITHOUT HESITATION, A HIGH-SPEED FAN GRINDER
WILL REDUCE YOUR MANHOOD TO FLYING FRAGMENTS. HOW DO
YOU RESPOND?"
"HolyJesusChristMotherFuckerShitShitShit, Owww!," cried
Bobby.
"IS THAT A 'YES' OR A 'NO', EARTHLING?," said the voice.
"Yes, oh yes, oh baby yes, yes, yes," said Bobby.
At that point, a small, hidden panel opened on the back of
the vacuum. Inside was a large capsule.
"YOU WILL NOW SWALLOW THE CAPSULE, EARTHLING, AND WE WILL
THEN FOREVER CONTROL YOUR MIND!"
Bobby slowly reached over and picked it up, then
momentarily paused.
"SWALLOW IT, HUMAN, OR WE WILL USE YOUR OWN PRIMITIVE
ELECTRICAL POWER TO DESTROY YOUR PENIS!"
Thinking quickly, Bobby grabbed the handcuffs on the
floor beside him, and hurled them at the light switch.
With just sheer luck, he hit the switch, the power to the
room went off, and the vacuum became dormant.
"Oh, thank God," said Bobby, still thoroughly stuck
inside the machine. He began to frantically struggle to
extract his manhood from the evil, alien device.
"What the hell is going on in there?" said a girl's
voice outside his room.
"It's just my dumb brother," said Mary Eileen, opening the
door.
Bobby was greeted by the sight of a group of girls with
barely any clothes on. Several of the girls were warmly
embracing each other, and two of them were French kissing. In
the midst of the crowd were his parents, looking
disapprovingly at him.
"Now, what the gosh-darned heck is going on in here that's
making such a confounded racket!" said his dad, while reaching
for the light switch.
Absolutely stultified by the scene, suddenly Bobby realized
what was about to happen. A fraction of a second too late, he
shouted out, "NOOOO!"
Then his father turned on the light.
VRRRIIINNGG!!, was the sound as the vacuum cleaner once
again came to life.
Bloody pieces of chopped penis went splattering over the
girls' bare bodies, to a chorus of "eeeeewwww--Gross!"
Bobby almost passed out with pain.
"Well golly, honey," said his mother to his father,
disapprovingly, "I think Bobby found the 'Frop you've been
hiding in you sock drawer! I guess he's a big boy, now."
"Or maybe a not-so-big boy," said Mary Eileen, sticking
out her tongue.

--
"HERE LIES NU-MONET.
GOT TRIPLE HIS MONEY BACK."

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Original file name: Re- Dobbs sportn' 'is pip.txt - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:47