From: Modemac <firstname.lastname@example.org>
I am constantly amazed by the complaints I get from
some Bobbies about how
X-Day is boring, nothing ever happens, and why the hell did we come all the
way out here just to hang out at our tents and wait for something. That's
precisely what you did wrong, you morons - camping way out in the middle of
the woods, doing nothing except traipsing down to the pavilion to sit on the
ground and watch other people on stage. If that's all you do at X-Day, then
that's all you can expect to get.
As for me, this X-Day was truly SLACK, SLACK, SLACK.
Enough Slack to leave me
totally exhausted, drained, euphoric, and eager to head back there again next
year to finally get the Rupture RIGHT and make sure those damn Xists FINALLY
come and do what they're supposed to do!
The best way to describe this year's experience is MIRACULOUS.
was the most low-key and laid-back X-Day so far, but still the miracles kept
descending upon us, one after the other. It was enough to make you believe in
Pipe-smoking saviors and realize that, yes, even in a World Without Slack, there
can still be true moments of epiphany, of ecstasy, of sheer unadulterated...SLACK.
Don't believe me? Those of you who were there should
most likely back my statement
that there were miracles:
MIRACLE: THE WEATHER. Yes, we got the inevitable torrential
downpour on Sunday
evening through early Sunday night. But so what? We were inside or under the main
pavilion when that happened anyways. Except for that, the weather was picture-perfect
from Wednesday evening (when I arrived) all the way through Sunday evening, and
again on Monday through Tuesday. The days were hot and sunny, the nights were cool
but not frigid! The moon cast an ethereal glow over the plains and forests of
Brushwood, shining so brightly that one could go for a walk across the fields and
not even need a flashlight (except when examining things up close). Saturday night
was so warm there was no dew on the ground, and we could frolic and party til the
wee hours of the morning without worrying about shivering in the cold. And the
miracle for me occurred when I gave the SubGenius weather report on Sunday evening,
calling on people to come to the main pavilion so that they would be able to hang
out together and have something to do other than cower in their tents. I made the
bullhorn announcement and walked back to the pavilion. The rain began IMMEDIATELY
when I stepped into the safety of the pavilion, so that I was able to stay there
and remain dry through the entire deluge. And when I did get cold...there was
always the Sacred Hot Tub to warm me up.
(The Conspiracy made a furious attempt to penetrate
the Paradise Dome this year.
I learned from my Queen that while the weather was beautiful at Brushwood, back here
in Boston we had heavy thunderstorms, hail, and the first genuine tornado to strike
the northern Massachusetts area in years, if not decades!)
MIRACLE: THE MUSIC. Little Fyodor returned and gave
a show to end all shows! The legendary
Swingin' Love Corpses materialized on stage from out of nowhere on Friday night, rocking
the crowd and even drowning out the drum circle and the bullfrogs! The Amino Acids not
only gave a rockin' show on Saturday night, they were also gracious enough to run the
stage and keep the show going on schedule! DJ SHAVER finally got Slack by doing exactly
what he WANTED to do, including hosting the Sunday evening entertainment and performing
Stupid Human Tricks! We heard some of the best music-ever at X-Day...and some of the
WORST! ("The Screaming Meemies from Planet X" and "When Mister Satan Knocks.")
MIRACLE: THE CROSS-DRESSERS' BALL. Nickie Deathchick
worked herself into a frenzy worrying
that no one would have the balls to show up. If there's one thing hardcore SubGenii have,
it's BALLS -- and we saw them aplenty at the Ball! Sister Decadence -- Swing King in a
Zoot Suit! Magdalen -- Da 70s Pimp! Lilith -- cross-dressing! (Those who saw her know
how Popess Lilith was able to cross-dress.) Bad jokes and good laughs galore!
MIRACLE: THE FOOD! Pancakes For "Bob!" Professor
Pressure's Never-Ending Buffet of
Delights! Rocknar's Vomit! (Trust me, the folks who had his vomit kept coming back for more.)
Salacia the Overseer and the Pasta Party! Joy's Sangria! Saint Bucky's cook-off! 808's Nuclear
Chili! And still more, more, more! The Brushwood Cafe even opened to provide some of their own
exceptional chili, so I was well-fed through the entire weekend. Thank you one and all,
everyone who went above and beyond the call of duty to provide food for all comers!
Especial thanks go out to Mistress Salacia the Overseer,
who was kind enough to work her
lovely behind off providing food and cooked sausages for everyone who attended the Pasta
Party. I was running around so much that on Saturday evening as I was preparing the pasta,
I found myself feeling dizzy and nauseous; apparently I had worked myself into a state of
heat exhaustion. But Salacia the Overseer generously worked to provide for one and all, and
all who attended were fed. Her secret ingredients made the pasta sauce a hit!
MIRACLE: THE BULLDADA AUCTION. The legendary Doctor
Howll arrived at Brushwood to preside over
the best and most profitable Bulldada Auction of all time! He gave a performance that kept the
audience hypnotized (and the greenbacks flowing into Church coffers nonstop), as he hawked the
entire mountain of Bulldada provided by generous SubGenii in an Auction that was so big, we had
to split it into two parts. Doctor Howll is not only a true SubGenius, he is a true gentleman
and a scholar, and I would very much like to see him at future Devivals...and especially at
MIRACLE: THE RUPTURE! Many of the miracles of X-Day
came to a head on the blessed morning of
July 5th. So far, EVERY SINGLE X-DAY at Brushwood has dawned bright and sunny, and this one
was no exception. The rain was torrential the night before, and the threat of rain loomed for
the entire time *after* the rupture...but when we were there waiting for the saucers to arrive,
the weather was fine -- and not too cold, either. Not only that, but the real miracle arrived
when IVAN STANG FINALLY GOT THE SLACK HE DESERVED on the morning of X-Day! The sodomized corpse
of J.R. "BOB" DOBBS HIMSELF appeared mysteriously at the pulpit after a two-year absence, and
no one knows how it appeared! The domain name subgenius.org was given to Stang as a gift on
the morning of X-Day! He finally got his Slack!
AND FURTHERMORE -- the blisters on my feet healed! I
am woefully out of shape these days...so
much so, that I exercised more and walked more during the past six days than I have within the
past six months. It was exhilarating...but by Sunday my feet were covered with blisters, and I
was limping rather noticeably. Yet, not ONE HOUR before the Rupture, the swelling on my feet went
down and I was able to walk again! I am not joking or exaggerating about this, and I truly consider
this a MIRACLE.
MIRACLE: THE RESURRECTION OF JESUS CHRIST! Jesus and
Magdalen ran things with an iron fist,
keeping the crowd under control. Things were so subdued that there was no trouble at all over
the entire weekend! There were no fights, no complaints, no fireworks to chase after, nothing...
so much so that my position of "Security" officer was changed to the role of Magdalen's Slave.
I served the lovely Mary Magdalen and waited on her, hand and foot, for the entire time she
was there. Ah yes, the memories I will cherish of fetching her coffee, helping her dress in
the morning, receiving spankings from her own hand when I spilled the coffee...errrr, ummm.
Never mind that. Suffice to say, when I described my new role, the reaction from the men at
Brushwood was always the same. After describing my duties as her slave, I received repeated
offers: "Do you need an assistant?!?"
The pull of the Conspiracy was so strong, alas, that
after Jesus was whipped and tortured on
Saturday, he had to make an early exit on Sunday afternoon. Yet, on Sunday evening, he and
Magdalen miraculously reappeared in our presence -- after we thought he had disappeared forever!
We did indeed experience the Second Coming on the evening before X-Day...and this experience was
so Slackful, it caused EVEN MORE MONEY to spontaneously appear within the Church Coffers! Truly,
this was a MIRACLE!
And speaking of which...still ANOTHER miracle from the
weekend was the state of my finances.
Earlier this year (by February, at least), I was already convinced that my financial state was in
such a bad way, I would once again miss Brushwood and be forced to celebrate X-Day standing on
my porch alone, the morning of July 5th. Yet, "Bob" himself blessed me with a miracle that
allowed me to make it to Brushwood this year. A mere five days before my departure, my Queen
came down with an infection and I had to shell out still more money to pay for her doctor's visit,
prescriptions, and inhaler refills...things were so tight that I was literally spending my very
last dollar in order to make it to Brushwood. In order to get there, I would have to budget
every cent and not buy anything. Even my Queen said she would contribute some money to help me...
but something truly miraculous happened. Due to circumstances I STILL can't comprehend, my
bank account suddenly swelled on the very day of my departure that I did NOT have to take
any money from my Queen. I spent far less on gas than I had planned. I actually found myself
with enough money at Brushwood to BUY ALL THE SACRED SWAG I WANTED...PLUS a CD from Little
Fyodor! And I even bartered away some Bulldada to obtain an outstanding crysknife for my Queen,
which she had been trying to find for years!
And then the strangest day of all happened...
MIRACLE: AFTER THE RUPTURE. Some folks said I was working
too hard over the X-Day weekend, and
I needed to relax and get my own Slack. Well, folks, after the Xists screwed us once again,
that was exactly what I did. After helping to clean up the stage and break down the equipment
there, I did indeed do just that -- I REPENTED and SLACKED OFF. I relaxed for most of the day
and enjoyed every moment of it. And then the next miracle occurred...HOT TUB IRC! The regulars
of IRC #subgenius came together to spend time chatting about everything, about nothing, and
about ourself -- just like we do all the time on IRC. Except that time time, we were all naked
in the hot tub. (Including our beloved Rabbi and Mata Kari...) It was a magical moment, one of
those ones that we did not want to end...and I decided, "Screw it. This is my last night here,
and I do NOT want this to end! I'm going to make this last for as long as I possibly can!"
We built a fire and stayed late into the night, until Ed Strange invited us all to his hideaway
for an experience that I consider one of the most bizarre and unusual nights of my life. I won't
go into detail on this one, other than to note that it involved my getting drunk for the first
time in my entire life, and taking part in an orgy involving three women, three guys, frop and
blankets, and a six-foot-tall, walking, talking Winnie the Pooh...
So J.R. "Bob" Dobbs screwed us all once again,
and the Xists have not yet reduced this planet to
a smoldering cinder in space. In that case, there's only one thing to do: PREPARE FOR THE END.
X-DAY VIII, in JULY OF 2005...when we will once again descend upon the wilds of Brushwood to party
like it's the end of the world. Because it will indeed be THE FINAL DAYS OF THIS PLANET!
Many, many heartfelt thanks go out to...
IVAN STANG, for making it all happen and for putting
up with us all, time and time again. Stang,
remember that we all dragged our asses out of bed on the morning of July 5th for you! If that's
not dedication, then tell me what is.
JESUS CHRIST and MARY MAGDALEN, for being the coolest
manager (and Dominatrix) one could possibly
hope for at an event like this. It's always great to see you two in person!
MATA KARI and SCHABE, for introducing me to an experience
I can barely describe, let alone forget,
and for being so open and warm in the short time we were together.
MISTRESS SALACIA THE OVERSEER and her husband, for their
wonderful management of the Pasta Party at
a time when I was at my lowest point and barely unable to do anything other than delegate.
JOY D'VEEVE for her Sangria and for being a true angel.
LITTLE FYODOR AND BABUSHKA for being there once again,
putting on a great show, and jumping into
everything there to make it all the more fun. AND, for making a CD available of one of the many
Miracles of X-Day -- the legendary Little Fyodor XX-Day concert of 1999! Yes, friends, Little Fyodor
is now selling a CD of the magical moment when he and Babushka roared into Brushwood for the first
time, rocked the house down, and CONQUERED the Church of the SubGenius! See him for details.
SINPHALTIMUS EX MORTUS and the F.E.D.C.O.M.S. crew,
for being loud, obnoxious New Yawkers who give
their all to make sure everyone around them has a GREAT time at X-Day!
The kids, whose names I never got (except for Bo), who
climbed all over the stage, helped set up
everything, and were great to have around.
DR. DARK, for once again hosting a MIND-BLOWING drive-in
theater that is one of the true highlights of
X-Day! Seeing "Forbidden Zone" for the first time was a moment that ranks with the first time I ever saw
"Eraserhead"...and that was but one of the MANY strange, mind-warping pieces of Bulldada that he took the
time and effort to procure for us!
DJ SHAVER, for finally Repenting, Slacking Off, and
once again exposing us to the most unusual music
I have ever heard. I would love to see someone do a heavy metal cover of "The Screaming Meemies from Planet X!"
The regulars of IRC #SUBGENIUS, who were all so great
to see in person once again. X-Day proved beyond a
doubt that most of the petty bullshit that goes on in IRC is just that -- petty bullshit. There were no
arguments, no divisions, no petty politics, and everyone was glad to see each other once again. This X-Day
has cleared away a lot of the bad blood that built up on IRC, so now we have several months to get some NEW
DOC FROP and SISTER DECADENCE, for hosting a non-stop
party, gathering session, and cookout that gave us
all a great place to meet and B.S..
TWO BEANS and DJ SHAVER (again) for the late-night RAVE
on Saturday night. I would love to trade for
copies of your music!
SAINT BUCKY and SISTER HELLENA HANDBASKET, for your
kindness, openness, and determination to be friendly
despite my repeated disappearances and moodiness. (I'm also glad to have been an eyewitness to the tearful
reunion on Saturday morning of Hellena and Televangela.)
DR. HOWLL, for being a true gentleman and a scholar.
Personality-wise, this fine SubGenius ranks up there
with Hellpope Huey, and I find that the two of them have a lot in common. (Rant-wise, they are at opposite
ends of the spectrum. To compare the two would be to compare an elegant Victorian dining hall setting to an
THE AMINO ACIDS, for managing the stage and being very
considerate...also for hiding a certain someone at
her request, so that she could have a little privacy.
BRUSHWOOD, for putting up with us and going out of their
way to accomodate us. I actually heard the pagans
COMPLAINING that we weren't causing enough trouble this year! That will have to change, so next year I'm
going to be certain we have another book burning party.
And finally, once again, thanks go to REVEREND IVAN
STANG, without whom many of us would NEVER have discovered
the bastion of Slack that is Brushwood. Stang rarely gets the credit he deserves for his efforts, and I
for one will be glad to note that he deserves more credit than anyone for bringing the Church of the
SubGenius to where it is today...a cult that I am proud to be a member of.
First Online Church of "Bob"
From: Nathaniel Eliot <email@example.com>
Subject: Frop good. Sleep good. Timing...bad. Pretty yetsynsiny...GOOD.
Since Modemac has already written far more than I could
less type, I will keep it really simple:
I got in late Friday night, and made the joyous mistake
of camping next
to the Frops/FEDCOMS. Between the brownies I didn't pass around, and the
Frop sticks Doc Frop did, I was soon so wrecked I couldn't remember who I'd
traded brownies for food with. When I complained that I couldn't find Frop
to buy onsite, a Volkerding gave me some. When I praised his gift effulently,
he gave me MORE.
Slept through the rave. Slept through the Pooh cuddle
(which admittedly was
the point, but I was sleeping ELSEWHERE). Didn't sleep through the Rupture,
a break in tradition that I think will not last to next year. Woke up before
9AM almost every morning, which would surprise the hell out of my boss if he heard.
Got the joy, once again, of many pretty naked SubGs.
I'd bang half of you on
personality ALONE; seeing you all nekkid, often dripping wet, is almost too much.
To preserve the shreds of modesty that sometimes hang from this Church like a
post-ravishment bodice, I won't name specifics, like Moon's pretty smile and pert
tits (not to mention steel hands), Rabbi's stunning frame and anime eyes, Shabe and
Mata Kari's nigh-kawai levels of cuteness, or Pooh's belly...
Thanks for the Slack, folks. I needed it, more than I realized until it broke through.
Original file name: Modemac Report.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05
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