More Dumb News - Fat Parents = Fat Children

From: "Llama Wishfart Rinpoche" <>
Date: Fri, Jul 9, 2004

"FRIDAY, July 9 (HealthDayNews) -- Children with obese parents have the
greatest risk of being overweight, says a Stanford University School of
Medicine study in the July issue of Pediatrics."

"The study of 150 children from birth to age 5 found 64 percent of the
children with obese parents became overweight, compared with 16 percent
of children with normal-weight parents."

""The findings of this study suggest that at-risk children may be
identifiable in the first few years of life," Dr. W. Stewart Agras,
professor emeritus of psychiatry and behavioral sciences, said in a
prepared statement."

In other news, a recent study suggests that African-American parents
have a much greater likelihood of giving birth to African-American
children. Results from a study of the aromatic potential of fecal
material are expected early next week.
The Subgenius is prohibited of reading what he believes.


From: Joe Cosby <>

kids who were born a longer time ago tend to be older, too.

Joe Cosby
"Sister Agatha looked up from flat on her back, on
the mat, to see the five hundred pound, nude female sumo wrestler
descending on her, and she was forced to admit to herself that the
Pope had betrayed her."


From: "nu-monet v7.0" <>

Joe Cosby wrote:

Well, a lot can be said for environment, too.
Like, when I was a kid, everything was HUGE.
Chairs, tables, people, even animals were great
big things. But over time, everything kept
getting smaller and smaller, until everything
became the manageable size things are today.

Today, kids have it easy. They have dozens or
even hundreds of stinker teevee shows to flip
through, not just four or five, and they only
have to use their thumb instead of their thumb
and their index finger.

And I bet their teachers don't even nail their
hands to trees during recess anymore.


From: Joe Cosby <>

That's a disturbing trend. I had the same experience. Since we are
probably different ages, that means that the things that were huge
when one of us was a kid were even larger when the other was a kid,
and so the logical conclusion is that things are shrinking at an
alarming rate.

Where will that leave the next generation? Things are about as small
as I think they need to be already. My pants fit me comfortably and
the keys on my computer keyboard, while small, are still a workable
size to type with. What are -they- going to do? How are they
supposed to work a computer keyboard the size of a postage stamp? Let
alone fit in clothes the size of Barbie doll clothes? A few more
generations and they'll need a microscope just to see a keyboard, let
alone try to use it. Something must be done. The President must be
notified. A third-world country should be invaded immediately. Maybe
more calcium in people's diet. We must boldly declare a War On Tiny
Things. We must print stirring bumper stickers NOW.

The Oompah-Loompahs are behind this. Mark my words.

Joe Cosby


From: The Master Beekeeper <master@beekeeper.invalid>

I like big things and I VOTE

"The press is our chief ideological weapon."
- Nikita Khrushchev


From: Cardinal Vertigo <>

Whoops, sorry. A friend was trolling sci.agriculture.beekeeping and I
forgot to changemy account settings back.

"Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong
- Buckminster Fuller


From: Joe Cosby <>

Cardinal Vertigo <> wrote:
Why did everybody switch their names back to their old names the day
after x-day?

I thought the idea of everybody on the group switching names was

Joe Cosby
The only difference between surreal and hellish is in the latter you
wake up, but it's still surreal.


From: Cardinal Vertigo <>

Why didn't you get behind it, then?

"On two occasions I have been asked (by members of Parliament!),
'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will
the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the
kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
- Charles Babbage


From: Joe Cosby <>

I was one of them.

Joe Cosby
Skull-Shaped Bong : $12.00
Primo Maui-Grown Bud : $25.00
Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies : Priceless


From: Cardinal Vertigo <>

Who were you? Blow Crosby?

"Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come
back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them."
- H.L. Mencken


From: Airtight Seal <>

No, no! He meant that he was one of THEM... THE them, not one


From: Atrocious Salami <>

DAMN! I remembered the Arf! Arf! but I forgot the most important

I finally had to give up being an under-sea fireman after I hacked
down the front door of a submarine that this under-sea family
lived in because it was on fire. It DID put the fire out, though.


From: Joe Cosby <>

Airtight Seal <> wrote:
>Besides, how do you know we DIDN'T change our names? How do
>you know that we didn't SWAP our names with each other?
>Oooh, you ignorant, ignorant cowboy!


Show me your ID.

Joe Cosby
"non urum ad ventum."


From: polar bear <>

Show us YOURS, Jason Christie!



From: "nu-monet v7.0" <>

Joe Cosby wrote:
> Why did everybody switch their names back
> to their old names the day after x-day?

Well, when 6.0 started melting, fortunately he
was able to transmogrify his Clone intelligence
into Zuul. So, in addition to getting the
regular Xist d/l when they blew up Earth and
put all concerned on duplicate nu-Earth7, Zuul
helped to further enhance continuity.

Zuul, BTW, was picked up by 3.0 in Amsterdamn,
and has been a great help since, putting us
arse over elbows above the other SubGenius
Clones who only get the basic info feed from
the saucers.

If you are totally lost at this point, let me
try to get you up to speed:

Only July 5, 1998, at 7am, the Xists picked up
the paid-up SubGeniuses, before the Earth was
destroyed and all. However, there were some
problems, #1 being that most of them were not
ready for permanent relocation--didn't have
their Slack together and all. And also, there
weren't enough SubGeniuses to fulfill the
contract they had with "Bob".

So, being the Xists that they are, they created
a *duplicate* Earth, nu-Earth, that would give
the "remainer" SubGeniuses another year in which
to prepare themselves, quit their job and Slack
off, send in their $30, etc. But they had to
replace a LOT of lifeforms to maintain continuity.

For SubGeniuses, they used pstench-sensitive
Clones, such as yrs truly's predecessor (v2.0),
and for merehumes and animals and such, they used
a combination of Replicants, Replicoids, Androids,
Mandroids, Robotoids, Organic Plastic Cyborgs,
Siliclones, Simulcrums, Animatrons, Animetrons,
Real Dolls, Zombies, Zoombies, and Zooids.

(Most of them are Zooids: mindless, soulless things
that are like yeast cells, consuming, watching TV,
voting and excreting. They do not, however, make
decent beer.)

At X-Day, however, the pissed off "remainer" SubGenii
rampaged and killed and ate a lot of Clones, so since
then Clones have been a tad standoffish around

Well anyway, a year passed and the results were not
entirely satisfactory. They only got a few new
"remainers" on board, and to make a long story short
were going to create a nu-nu-Earth and try again,
but the Z-ists attacked, right when they were sending
in the Clones, and caused boucoup continuity problems.

A lot of the Clones arrived brain dead or scrambled,
and just a few of us made it through, so it was one
tough year, trying to persuade the "remainers" that
they were still on E-1, that everything was hunky-
dory, and that "Bob" would surely be "here" NEXT YEAR.

Well, when 3.0 picked up Zuul, it made things A LOT
easier. Zuul has an enormous amount of data storage,
can be summoned forth for JUST X-Day, and only
required a modest number of merehumes to feed on, and
it doesn't even care that they aren't *real* soulless
merehume replacements--it thinks they are real.

The best part is that integrating Zuul gives us the
ability to gather and contain SubGenius souls much
easier than say the Rastazoarastrians or the Mormons
could, so we've got a new job. Hanging onto the silly
things until "Bob" collects them.

Well, I hope that clears up the "name" thing for you.

"Money can't buy you happiness,
but when you're poor, you can't
buy shit, and nobody will loan
you happiness."

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