X-Day 7: The Road To Helle

From: modemac@modemac.com (Modemac)
Date: Wed, Sep 24, 2003

The X-day Web site has been updated to reflect the true time of the
Rupture: 7:00 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2004.

This update is inspired by recent research into Islam. Like other
mutants here on alt.slack, I've been watching this so-called "war on
terrorism" with a jaundiced eye. In the space of only two short
years, the United States has managed to take a true disaster and turn
it into a political issue that allows Da Gib-mint to go charing around
the world, doing whatever it wants and spending unlimited amounts of
money on it, and chalking it all up to the so-called "war on
terrorism." Meanwhile, terrorism continues unabated in Indonesia, in
Israel and Palestine, in central Africa, in Russia, in India...and all
we can do is say "The world is safer now that So-Darn Hinsane is
gone!" And as I watched this, it occurred to me that we really don't
know very much about this "enemy," about these terrorists, and about
the religion (Islam) that they use as an excuse to murder innocent

So I started looking into Islam -- and I was amazed to discover many
parallels between Islam and the Church of the SubGenius! There's a
new, vast, fertile area for us to steal from, something that we've
barely touched upon yet. We've mocked and stolen from Christianity,
and lately there's been a lot more Pagan/New Age crap added to
SubGenius dogma...but there hasn't been too much stolen from Islam
yet. And to many Americans, Islam is all about "the enemy." To many
Pink idiots, Muslims are towel-wearing barbarians who want to destroy
us all. And yet, they can say the SAME THING about the Church of the

Islam is founded upon a platform known as the Five Pillars. The
Church of the SubGenius has a viewpoint very similar to that of Islam.
For instance:

- The First Pillar of Islam, "Shahadah," is for a believer to state
his heart, "There is no God but God (Allah), and Mohammed is his
Prophet." The Church of the SubGenius states: "The SubGenius MUST
have SLACK!" Truly, there is no "Bob" but "Bob," and mighty are

- The Second Pillar of Islam, "Salat," is to pray towards the Kaaba
the city of Makkah five times a day, reciting verses from
the Quran.
Now, as you know, SubGenius dogma is ANYTHING composed by a
and declared to be official SubGenius dogma. In this
repsect, then,
we are superior to the Salat because we are CONSTANTLY
SubGenius dogma! Especially here on alt.slack, and on IRC!

- The Third Pillar of Islam, the Fast, is to observe the month of
Ramadan and to fast during this time. This is as much a
ritual of
self-purification as it is meant for your health. The Church of
SubGenius likewise commands you to not only eat that hamburger --
to EAT THE HELL OUT OF IT! As with the Fast, this is not
just for
health, but for purification purposes. Eating the HELL out
of that
damn burger is what we are meant to do!

- The Fourth Pillar of Islam, "Zakat," is to help the poor and give
alms. The Church of the SubGenius also commands us to give
our money
to the poor -- namely, the Church of the SubGenius itself!
money to "Bob" is as important as Muslims giving alms to the

- The Fifth Pillar of Islam, "Hajj," is to journey to the city of
in Saudi Arabia at least once in your lifetime. And again, the
of the SubGenius commands you to make your own journey: the
journey to
X-Day! Even if you can't actually travel to Brushwood (though you
should), you must still prepare for the moment when the Xists will
Rupture you away. This is your own SubGenius Hajj -- the Road to

And perhaps the most important similarity: In the eyes of the
Conspiracy, the Church of the SubGenius consists of nothing but
TERRORISTS. We are just a bunch of evil computer hackers,
pornographers, software pirates, music thieves, and non-Christian
blasphemers! Our evil ways are standing in the path of the
all-important War On Terrorism...even though WE, ourselves, are
supposed to be considered equal and have the same rights as law-abing
Pinks. SubGenii are persecuted, and they continue to be persecuted;
and because of our religious beliefs, we are lumped in with the evil

So, in preparation for X-Day, I took a look at Islam to assist in
bringing the Web page up to date. It is certainly true that like all
other religions, Islam consists of mostly PINKS. But the idea behind
Islam certainly has some good points -- and in order for us to keep up
with the times (and to properly mock the so-called "war on
terrorism"), I can see a lot of ways for us to steal the best ideas
from Islam, without having to rely on the worn-out stereptype of "evil
Muslim terrorists."

This is one reason why the pilgrimage to X-Day is truly the ROAD TO
HELLE. Like the Hajj, X-Day is a commandment for all SubGenii (who
can afford it) to travel to a distant land, engage in obscure
religious rites, dress in strange clothes (or no clothes at all), and
try to survive in an outdoor environment that is very different from
the sanitized areas we usually live in. And most important of all,
the ROAD TO HELLE is not just a journey to another sci-fi con...it is
a religious pilgrimage that is meant to be a truly life-changing
experience. It is the culmination of everything we have strived for
-- the Rupture -- and it is the best damn excuse in the world for us
to look at the rest of the world and say "FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE

There are only a little more than NINE MONTHS to go until the End of
the World! This means that if you women get busy having kids right
now, then you'll have the honor of giving birth to the FIRST
GENERATION of mutants born after X-Day! So start going at it,
beginning RIGHT NOW! But most of all, we will be expecting your
presence on July 5th, 2004, at the end of the ROAD TO HELLE!

X-Day: The Road To Helle - http://www.modemac.com/x-day

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