iDRMRSR's Turn in the Dark

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <>
Date: Fri, Aug 15, 2003

idrmrsr <> wrote:
> I wuz at werke where I uh, work. I was actually sitting down in one of
> the larger bank vaults in the area fiddling with an errant PC when the
> lights flickered. Since I kind of work in a gummint place, flickering
> lights and poor management are the usual order of the day, but like
> Ostriches everybody's heads popped over their cubicles, sensing an IT
> person in the area, to come and inspect their now dead PCs.
> A few boots later, I was out of the underground area and back in my 5th
> floor orifice. The 6th floor is where the backup diesels are located,
> and I could hear they were at full pitch. I walked past my cow orkers
> cubes, and each was on the phone with a loved one decrying loss of
> power. By the time I got to my own cube, from the conversations and
> through everybody's tears, I gathered what the CNN website was just
> reporting. No juice just like 1965 and 1977.
> Somehow I made it home to the West Side. That's the handy thing about
> having, for the nonce, two crashpads many miles apart. Like Saddam, I
> can go to the safer one as conditions require. The East Side place is
> all electric, but the West Side place has a gas stove and some hamburger
> patties in the freezer.
> I fed myself, but without TV and PC, knew I couldn't survive. Somewhere
> in a closet I discovered one of those battery B&W TV's that took an
> incredible number of C cells. I had to empty out a lot of the batteries
> from my kid's old robot toys and such to gather enough power. Just
> enough to get picture, but it was HOT.
> I looked a little deeper and found a lighter plug for the car. AHA! I
> am not a SubGenius for nothing. I got in the car, plugged in the TV,
> shut the windows and cranked up the air. Half a tank of gas left at
> that point.
> A neighbor came by in the darkness to glimpse at the little TV on the
> dashboard, but I was going stir crazy. I listened carefully to the
> local newsreaders, and decided hell, I was far enough west and south to
> take a small trip to Medina, a cowtown about 30 miles away that was not
> affected by this event.
> It was about elevenish. On the way down the country roads, in the
> black, I managed to see Mars rise, followed by a bloody moon. However,
> I had not considered the fact that 1) Medina, cowtown, is now GENTRIFIED
> and full of zillion dollar mansions, and 2) Medina is a lot closer to
> suburbs here just to its north which are full of half zillion dollar
> ranches full of mall crawlers with even bigger Power Jones than I had at
> the moment.
> I did need the gas. Took three attempts to get a spot in the line at a
> functioning pumper. While I was there, I don't know why, but the
> impending sense of cosmic disaster made me REAL REAL HUNGRY so I also
> bought a load of snacks, for which I waited 20 minutes in line. But at
> least I was partially sated now.
> Unlike poor Stang, and my poor autistic kid up in Cleveland Heights, I
> had water throughout the whole ordeal. The West Side of Cleveland is at
> a lower elevation, so we don't rely upon the failing Cleveland pumps.
> We just piss uphill and drink what cycles back. Nevertheless, I did
> what Rev. Stang did, quickly filled up the odd Tupperware receptacles
> with water in case the morning's tap water came out looking like Hershey
> squirts.
> That was not a comfortable night sleeping. No CPAP machine. I kept
> waking myself up SNORING in the sweltering humidity. But all of a
> sudden at 4:30 AM, the alarm on my UPS started screaming, and indeed,
> the power came on. I checked the freezer, and everything was still
> almost as hard and icey as me. Good. There would be breakfast. And
> coffee. Thank Bob.
> I dutifully called my werke Employee Action Lie and was told that all
> non-essential personnel should stay home. Pra' Bob!!!! AN unexpected
> day of SLACK. I do not even care if I get paid, as I am totally NON
> Unlike Cleveland Heights, the power over here has been hale and hearty
> since it clicked back on. In true American fashion, I cranked up the AC
> down to 68 degrees all day, thinking as I do of the guiding principles

West siders. Hmmmph.

4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)


From: nenslo <>

Easterners. Zzzzz..... In Lemuria, we have VOLCANOES and EARTHQUAKES
for disasters and you ninnies are all "oh my god the lights are out!"
Try getting buried in hot ash. You'll WISH it was just being in the
dark at night with no TV. Far as I'm concerned you're all perpetually
in the dark.


From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <>

Now, now, Nenmaster, it's the fact that the lights went out in so many
big cities at once, and the potential for more, that made it extra
scary and exciting. I understand that you Lemurians enjoy much more
spectacular earth disasters, and therefore are much more brave and

On the other hand, Lemuria isn't filled with suitcase dirty-nukes
waitig to be set off, like New York City is. Also, everybody in Lemuria
is white as Wonder Bread.

Some of us Yankees (snicker) even voluntarily practice living with no
TV and only fire light. On the weekends, when we suddenly change from
wage slave drones to Magical Outlaws. Of course, even at Brushwood
there's the OPTION of recharging one's camera batteries, and taking a
hot shower.

I met a guy at Brushwood who appeared one evening and played some mean
redneck guitar with Chaz's band, then sat around the fire with us for a
while. Nobody had seen him around there before. He suddenly started
talking about guns. I think he was feeling out whether we were serious
survivalists or militia types. He addressed me directly and said, "I
still believe that society is on the brink of collapse, and when
civilization falls apart, it's every man for himself." Then he kind of
waited for my response, which was, as you can imagine, pretty
noncommital. (I stopped making predictions about 5 years and 1.5 months

I figure he was the Fed who was assigned to watch us that weekend.

I doubt if Cleveland has any pocket nukes set to go off, because
Cleveland is the kind of city that might as ALREADY have been
dirty-nuked. Believe it or not, though, we too live with the threat of
earthquakes. There was a pretty big one here a couple of decades ago
which broke a lot of houses. I almost bought a huge earthquake-damaged
mansion for only $90,000 -- but it was too earthquake damaged for me.

When I tune in my battery-powered TV and see footage of you digging
your nice little house out from under ash, I'll say, "Damn, those
Lemurians sure are tough." Until then, I'm tempted to say, "Damn, those
Lemurians sure are WHITE."

But hey, at least it isn't SEATTLE.

I just finished a darling sf book by my current ShorDurPerSav, Stephen
Baxter, called "Moonseed," in which an alien nano-virus that converts
rock into powder gets loose on Earth and, over the course of several
years, pretty much eats up the whole planet while causing gigantic
volcanic events and earthquakes. Baxter seems to have boned up on
geology for this book, as it's an orgy of juicy details about what
would happen in a cataclysmic extinction event of this kind. In other
words, HOT SUB-PORN!

Even though a power outage is a pretty wimpy End of the World Drill,
ANY such drill is fun for the sicko SubGenius who has fantasized about
world-wrecking disasters since childhood. Childhood in the Cold War.
Man, the Cold War was COOL that way. Chillin'.

"Try getting buried in hot ash." Heck, in Dallas, getting buried in
COLD SNOW is considered a titanic weather disaster. Everything shuts
down and people die, from something that is a mild annoyance to
Clevelanders. In New Zealand, hot ash is so normal that people make
soup out of it. It's all relative, outside of the grave.

I think you're just jealous because we got our blackout and you still
haven't had your hot ash soup yet.

But gosh, isn't speculation about the extinction of humans FUN!


From: nenslo <>

Mr. Tambo: You, sah, is an idiot.
Mr. Bones: Aw, yo jist jellis.


From: (HellPopeHuey)

Healthy Negro Gentleman #1: Dis water be COLD!
Healthy Negro Gentleman #2: Yeh, an' its DEEP, too!


HellPope Huey,
What, Filet of My Butt au jous AGAIN? Crap.

"I was never circumcised; they just hemmed it."
- Howie Mandel

The most important thing a father can do for his children
is to love their mother.
- Rev. Theodore Hegburgh


From: (marika)

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <> wrote:
> I just finished a darling sf book by my current ShorDurPerSav, Stephen
> Baxter, called "Moonseed," in which an alien nano-virus that converts
> rock into powder gets loose on Earth and, over the course of several
> years, pretty much eats up the whole planet while causing gigantic
> volcanic events and earthquakes. Baxter seems to have boned up on
> geology for this book, as it's an orgy of juicy details about what
> would happen in a cataclysmic extinction event of this kind. In other
> words, HOT SUB-PORN!

i don't know how they prevented extinction but i bet they overlooked
weed kkller

All same types of stuff, like WeedBGone, and similar broad
spectrum herbicides work as well for alien nano-vir.

round-up takes multiple applications, sometimes over several weeks
spray every 3 days or so), to get all the nano. And it must be applied
during long
stretches of days of sunny weather, because it washes away with rain
and wind,
and doesn't work well in cool/cloudy conditions. The faster the virus
is trying
to grow (lots of sun) the faster the round-up will work. But it's the
method for spot-killing alien virus. My entire back yard was alien
virus when I bought it, and it
took me most of the summer, with repeat sprays, to get rid of all of
Alternately you can lay newspaper on all of it (at least 10 sheets
thick, 20 is
even better, black&white print section only- no glossy inserts) spray
it down
with a hose to keep it flat, lay bricks on top of it so it doesn't
blow away,
then ignore it, and it will kill the nano virus by smothering it over
many weeks
(or 6 months is actually better). Downside to this method is all grass
and other
vegetation dies with it, but you are left with bare soil from the
virus crumbling the rocks (good if that's your
goal). Upside is that everything dies, and the paper decays, leaving
you with a
rich no-till bed, ready for planting with flowers or veggies next
season, if
that is your goal.

DO NOT BURN the nanovirus because the smoke carries the nanos and you
will get nanovirus worse that way, even worse than before


"Reductio ad Absurdum. A society outside your definition of society
still be a part of the society that you're a part of, if Definition of
Society is defined as your understanding of the rules and nature of
society"--ike milligan

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