From: Modemac <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Sun, Dec 14, 2003
From: email@example.com (TruePatriot)
Subject: MY REVIEW OF HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS
Date: 13 Dec 2003
Whenever cool movie series get to the third movie they
suck dicks like
they're trying to become Emperor of Dicksuck-ylvania. George Lucas had
Star Wars, and then Empire Kicks Ass, and then all of a sudden it's
Planet of Furry Faggoty Fuckheads. Then he had to make two more to
feed the Suck Demon that was holding his children hostage, and those
movies went beyond gay to where they're paying old people to take a
dump on them.
Even this summer, with MATRIX: SUDDENLY GAY and TERMINATOR:
COCK, the Rule of the Suck-y Third Movie got re-proven. If the third
X-Men movie had come out this summer it probably would have been some
crippled crock of crap where Wheelchair Charlie traps Fuck Yeah
Wolverine in an illusion mind-trap where Wolverine thinks he's a time
traveler from a hundred years ago romancing Meg Ryan in right-now New
York. Of course, the X-Men movie would try to redeem itself in the
third act by having Wolverine realize it's a mind-illusion and cut
Meg's head off and play dodgeball with it, but it would be too late
and here comes my extra large Sprite at the screen.
But guess what? One movie series turned that rule on
its head. One
3-movie series said, "Wait a minute, we're going to make the 3rd movie
SO tits it will make the FIRST two movies look gay."
I just saw HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS and that's the
movie I was
talking about in the last paragraph. This movie will make you forget
that if you stick a knife in your belly you'll bleed to death so do
not bring a knife to this movie.
It's also, thank fucking God, LOUD. Even if you bring
an iPod so you
can listen to VH during the Elf parts you'll take it off because I
swear to fucking Roth you do NOT know where the next big bang is going
to come from, or when something big is going to crunch someone's skull
while you picture that person getting their skull crushed is really
your neighbor upstairs that plays Dido all day or that dude at the
Starbucks who's always reading and looking all smart.
Oh yeah, the movie is also 3 hours and 20 minutes, and
I think it's
almost four hours if you sit through all the credits (it was all
pencil sketches of the characters, which I think means they ran out of
money). So if you bring some chick who's all like, "I have a spinning
class tomorrow" or "I'm thirsty" tell her to go home and watch Gay
Dudes and the Straight Guy because this movie takes fucking
commitment. I saw the one dude in front of me who was with this girl,
and the President of Warner Brothers came out and said, "This movie is
three hours and twenty minutes," and before I could say, "So what,
gaylord" the chick says to the dude she's with that she has to GO. And
he LET her go because this movie kicks so much ass you can SENSE it
even before it starts. And this chick was a stone fox, and he probably
could have made out with her, but he was like, "I'm going make out
with this movie," that's how good it is. See ya, hottie.
This movie starts with the origin of Golem - that creepy
guy who looks
like Iggy Pop and wears Tarzan pants and wants the invisible-ring.
He's still on a quest with the two hobbits - Rudy from the film RUDY
and Fredo - to throw the ring into a volcano (this is like a serious
version of JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO). The ring is also evil but you keep
thinking, while you watch it, that someone should put it on and check
out some boobs. I have a feeling those scenes will be in the DVDs.
At the same time, the two other midget-men and the giant
seriously fucked up that one evil guy's tower (he was Count Duke in
Star Wars: Every Cock in the Universe Up My Ass Part II), and they
hook back up with Magneto, and also that chick with the bow and arrows
and finally the Giant Midget with the Axe. Oh, and also that I Don't
Want to be the King/I Am Destined to Be the King Dude is with them,
and he has this whole other story where he pretty much decides to be
the King because, I mean, pussy for miles. This is where I started
getting really confused, though, because they start talking about
kingdoms and alliances and there's a lot of lines like, "Rohan shall
ride!" and "Gondor still stands!" and "Flabadan Son of Rectum must
wear the mantle of Bloggith!" and also there's some shit with the
elves that's like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes.
But the movie is only doing this to set up the BATTLE
SHIT-YOUR-PANTS, which isn't the actual name of the battle but SHOULD
be because you will shit stuff you did not eat when you see it.
It all has to do with the fact that one of the midget-men
orb from the bad guy and he looks into it and sees the glowy eye's
plan (or part of it - something about a tree dying and Enya music
playing). So he and Magneto go to this huge white city where the king
is being a dick and just eating dinner while every puke-ugly bad-ass
on the planet starts surrounding it, ready to open a Wal-Mart that
only sells ball-stomp. There's this one medium-sized battle in a city
that is like the last line of defense for the Big-Ass White City and
it's pretty cool, with a lot of head-crunching and these huge flying
bat demon things that I swear to God grab horses and the dudes riding
them and fuck them up from the floor up. They're really loud, too, and
a lot of chicks and older people were covering their ears.
Meanwhile, Rudy and Fredo and Golem are getting closer
to the volcano,
and Golem makes Fredo hate Rudy, and then tricks Fredo into a cave
where there's a giant spider and FUCK that was really scary because
even in real life giant spiders are bad news.
Someone told me that all of the spider stuff actually
happens in the
second book in the series, and that they had to tweak some of the
stuff that happens in the books to make the movies work. You know
what? Good. Books suck. They used to be good back when people didn't
have movies and TV and dressed like Davey Crockett. People also used
to ride horses and drink tea, but now we have cars and Sprite. Move
the fuck on. Peter Jackson did an amazing job adapting these books,
and now the movies are so kick-ass that some people are going to go
back and READ the books, which wouldn't have happened if he'd just
filmed the books exactly as they are. Happy now, smarty?
Let me give you an example of how NOT to make books into movies:
This summer a huge bucket of farts came out called LEAGUE
GENTLEMEN. It was about how a bunch of characters from old-timey books
got together and fucked up bad guys. And NO ONE SAW IT. Why?
First, they picked a bunch of characters like Invisible
Man and Mr.
Hyde and Dracula-Woman and Huck Finn. These are all characters from
books that were written five hundred years ago. Huck Finn was actually
written before writing. These are the kind of books they make you read
in summer school but you're all like, "Fuck you, I'm going to play
Sonic on my Sega" and you totally complete all the levels by August.
So who the fuck is going to go see a movie about characters and people
they've never heard of (the movie acts like you're supposed to know
who these people are)? Like I said before, MOVIES are the new books,
so how about this for a movie (I even thought of a good title):
TEAM 1970'S FOOT-TO-ASSERS
The movie opens: A cult killer tries to assassinate
the President of the United States. Before the brainwashed assassin
dies he gasps the word, "Cyrus" and takes a poison pill.
Senator John "Bluto" Blutarsky forms a super-team
to infiltrate New
York and take down the "Cyrus" cult. This team is made up of "Bruce"
(from ENTER THE DRAGON), "Dirty" Harry Callahan, a now-teenaged Regan
MacNeill (who is a stone boner machine and also has devil powers),
"Quint" from JAWS, who's upper torso washed ashore after the shark
attacked him, and who has now been made bionic by Oscar Goldman and
OSI, and finally Beau "The Bandit" Durville, who's driving his Trans
They enter New York with the Bandit driving like a fucking
Dirty Harry shooting people out the window and Regan making people's
heads explode and shit. Wow!
They get to the center of the Cyrus Cult headquarters
in the middle of
Central Park and confront Cyrus. He's controlling his subjects with a
glowing Chevy Malibu. Bruce goes totally Jackie Chan on everyone while
Harry and the Bandit battle their way to the car. Quint dies bringing
down all the cult killers, and they drive off with the Malibu. They
also find out that Cyrus was trained by the Parallax Corporation.
Back at the White House, they get their next assignment.
take down the Parallax Corporation, which is being run by Gregory
Marmalarde. They are creating an Army of brainwashed super-killers at
their facility at Crystal Lake. These new killers are indestructible
and a step above the cult killers of Cyrus. For this phase of the
mission they are joined by CIA agent Vincent J. Ricardo (from THE
IN-LAWS) and off they go.
They blast their way into Parallax Headquarters, only
to find their
way blocked by the new generation of super-killers : hockey-mask
wearing motherfuckers who have all undergone the "Vorhees treatment".
Bruce and Regan take on the killers, while Harry and Vincent go for
Marmalarde. That's when he reveals his newest, greatest killer - New
York taxi driver Travis Bickle, who's undergone the "Vorhees
treatment" and is a virtual arsenal of different guns, knives - all of
which appear from his wrists, chest, even eyes. Bickle killed
Marmalarde's frat brother Douglas Neidermeyer in Vietnam. Harry dies
fighting Bickle, but not before killing Marmalarde. Ricardo searches
the Parallax files, only to find that Parallax is only a tiny part of
a much bigger, much more evil power - the Thorne Corporation, run by
Damien Thorne. He has a huge facility in the Nevada desert, near Area
Their final mission is to deliver the Chevy Malibu to
Area 51. The
Chevy contains a weapon which can defeat Thorne's final plan.
Thorne's compound is patrolled and protected by driverless
DUEL and a bunch of those devil limousines from THE CAR. Two teams are
sent in - The Bandit, driving his Trans Am with Regan and Bruce, and
another driver named "Kowalski", who will drive the Malibu along with
They battle their way through the devil trucks and demon
they penetrate Thorne's headquarters. He's got every character from
every boring-ass indie film in the last twenty years strapped to posts
in this huge chamber full of leather-y ALIEN eggs. The eggs are
hatching and putting face huggers on the douche bags from WALKING AND
TALKING and SEX, LIES AND VIDEOTAPES and CHASING AMY and everyone from
every Henry Jaglom film ever made and killing them.
There's nothing anyone can do - they have to stand and
watch while all
of these characters are slowly and horrible killed before our eyes,
and they hatch into Aliens. That's when "Kowalski" opens the trunk of
the Malibu to reveal: ROY NEARY, JR. This is the half-human/half-alien
offspring of Roy Neary from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND and he
starts going outer space whup-ass on the aliens along with Bruce Lee.
The Bandit looks at the camera, winks, and smiles. (There can be a lot
of shots during the closing credits of The Bandit cracking up).
Ricardo and Regan work their way to Thorne's headquarters
there's this huge demon battle between Regan MacNeill and Damien
Thorne that will make the audience go, "We need new words for 'HOLY
See? Use characters from movies thirty years ago, instead
books five hundred years ago. And by the way, that's only using
characters from 70s films. I also have plans for an 80s team of
ass-kickers and a 90s team. Everyone who was into movies from before
1969 is dead, and we'd actually better hurry with the 70s thing, now
that I think of it. Also, I totally copy-wrote this with the Writer's
Society, and I also know a 400 pound man who will man-rape anyone who
makes this movie without me.
Okay, back to HOBBIT-MAN, although at this point it's
wall-to-wall awesome. The Battle for the White Mountain City has
trolls and elephants and catapults and a battering ram that looks like
a dragon head on fire. Also, earlier Gandalf scares off the flying
bats-things with his glowing staff. In the battle for the White
Mountain City Gandalf just runs around giving orders. How about
turning the bad guys into babies or something with his staff? But that
would actually cut down on the ass-kicking so, actually, fine.
The I Don't Want to Be The King Guy gets a bunch of
ghost warriors to
fight, and that's just awesome when it happens, and also the elf chick
with the bow takes down an elephant all by herself, and the Giant
Midget keeps killing people with his axe.
Then when THAT battle's over and you're thinking, "Just
air comes out
when I spooge now" they stage a whole OTHER battle at Evil Town to
distract the orks so Golem and Rudy and Fredo can get to the volcano.
And I won't reveal what happens in the volcano except to say it
involves Fredo and Rudy getting right to the very edge, but at the
last second Fredo turns evil and decides not to throw the ring in, and
puts it on instead so he turns invisible, buy Iggy shows up and bites
off Fredo's finger and Iggy falls with the ring into the lava and Evil
Town is completely destroyed. You will have to find out the rest for
yourselves. I hate spoilers.
You can totally leave at this point but there's an extra
half hour of
everyone relaxing and going home and being happy and I guess they put
that in so you can realize your pants are choked with poop from all
the battle scenes, so thanks.
From: bebop <firstname.lastname@example.org>
fyi it's from
From: nenslo <nenslo@yahooX.com>
> Path: From: email@example.com (TruePatriot)
> Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.current-films
> Subject: MY REVIEW OF HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS
Best movie review ever.
Original file name: A movie review that'#1AD19C.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05
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