From: (MRvDC)
Date: Wed, Mar 17, 2004

For anyone that has never worked for a corporation. Try this:

Not some small corporation (S-Corps? They're called? I think). A REAL
corporation. One where the people who 'run' things are most likely
100's or possibly 1,000's of miles away from the building you will
return to every day for 8 hours a day for 5 days a week. You'll see
their faces in the weekly office periodical. The pages are glossy and
they're all smiling. With such delightful anecdotes about increasing
production and company spirit. A corporation where it's a bit
difficult to pinpoint exactly WHO is in charge. Boardmembers. VP's.
Exec-VP's. And. Of course. The Figure Head.

One of those.

Get a job at one of those types of corporations. Don't think of it as
a permenent thing. Just an experiment. Just to SEE.

Here's some starting out advice: Make sure those dress shoes are
polished nice for every day. And that tie matches your jacket. Is your
shirt ironed properly. And your hair better be stylish. But not TOO
stylish. And did you wear a shirt yesterday that looks too much like
the shirt you're planning on wearing today?

Semi-casual office attire. THAT can be even MORE complicated.

So. Tell me. How was the traffic?

Settle yourself down in your little cube. Put up pictures of family or
pets. Maybe a little inspirational poster with a water fall or a
kitten. That'd be nice. Nothing too garish though. And. Please.
Please. Please. Stick-pin smiley faces are way out.

Be careful as a new person that you aren't accidently given someone
else's favorite chair. People are very possessive of their swivel
chairs. And pens. And staplers. And tape. And. And. And. And.

And ladies, we all know it's proper for a women to be attractive. But
not TOO attractive. People will talk. Perish the thought.

Besides recognizing who's your area manager and who her manager is and
who her manager is, you should also keep a keen eye and ear out for
the lower level 'personality' manager. The office BMOC. The manager
of the catacombs. Sort of like a Pit Fiend.

You know. The one that sort of stalks around the office 'flirting'
with the girls and 'bonding' with the boys. The one that talks really
loudly about how much his mortgage is and barks jokes out across the
room. Jokes that, no matter how unfunny they are, you better laugh out
loud to at least once or twice a day.

Or the hammer might just fall down on you.

"What about this weather?" "Who won the game last night?"

"Yeah, you need a really BIG rod to catch a fish like that."

And. You haven't even started WORKING yet.

Be prepared to fuck up at least once a week. On some small level. Even
if you don't think you've fucked up and it was actually someone else's
fault or it was completely unavoidable. Be prepared to fuck up at
least once a week.

And when your 'manager' admonishes you. Not loudly. Or anything.
Everyone is polite in a corporate environment. Then you're ready to
stroll around for a cup of coffee. And...amazingly...EVERYONE already
knows about your 'fuck up.' Some will comment. But after all of this
you're probably thick-skinned by now. And are prepared to do the very
same thing to the next stupid fucker that 'fucks up.'

And you better be well-versed on all sorts of gender/race/religion
dialogue. In fact. You're better not having any opinion on anything at
all. But don't be a 'middle of the road' person. "You get run over,"
they tell me. After your first day you should sit for hours at home
trying to figure out which opinions are shared by the majority of your
'co-workers.' Because there's got to be SOME WAY to make the day go
smoothly. Because you have to TALK with your coworkers. Otherwise.
They'll begin to talk. About you. Chop! Chop!

Keep abreast of the current popular television show. Back at ADP it
was So You Want to be a Millionaire. If you're not. Well. Whatever
will you talk about?

And grown men don't watch cartoons. Remember that. Only the computer
guys are allowed to be so aloof. Because they're computer guys.

Plus! There's more! If you're determined not have ANY fuck ups and you
work like a crazy mad bastard. Well. You're doomed, my friend. Doomed.

"You're making the rest of us look bad!"

Just do it. Three months. See if you can make it through. Because you
NEED to KNOW. You need to FACE IT.

Better learn office speak: "We're going to red-line that project and
remain proactive on all technical protocals regarding..." Or people
will think you are 'stupid.'

Now. Correct me if I'm wrong. But this is what the majority of
American college students have to look forward to upon graduation. AT

Other options? A job in retail maybe? Assistant manager with a key?
And a never-ending revolving door of rude and demeaning faces.
Ridiculous hours. LONG hours sometimes. Work Saturday night? Sure.
Sure. Why not. What else is there for me to do?

"Hey, where is everybody? I have to take a PEE!"

Although the politics of a retail store are much more easily figured
out and the people are generally cooler, it's still no picnic. Merry

And maybe. If you stick with it. You'll get to be manager and finally
move out of your parent's basement.

What about manual labor? If you've the body. I guess. Seems like
honest work. Come home exhausted. Drink yourself to sleep. Kick the
dog, too. Depending on your temperment.

And manufacturing in America is pretty much on it's last legs? Maybe

Sure. Sure. Some people don't have this to look forward to...but
they're just lucky. Or something.

Kids who have parents with money can PROLONG the inevitable by staying
in school for as long as possible. But that's not so common. And most
college professors I've spoken to really seem to LOATHE the outside
the classroom aspects of their job. Publish or perish! Tenure!

Like strangulation. "How's it hanging, buddy?" Percy wanted Jesus'
Juice Cup.


THAT'S what is out there. THAT'S what the majority of American's look
forward to everyday. No wonder everyone's so happy these days.

Stroll into the offices of any major insurance company. And just
cruise around. You will CRINGE from the PURE EVIL.

And don't talk too smart. And don't have unusual tastes. And don't
question. question. question.

You could just not care. And endure it. Good luck. It can get ugly.
Unbelievably ugly. You wouldn't believe what I saw in this HBO
documentary about Gay Rights. These stockbrokers, right, they turned a
gay employee's car into the BUTT PIRATE MOBILE with spray paint and
various accessories. And then filmed themselves dancing around it with
paper bags on their heads. And then proceeded to pass the video around
the office. Quietly, of course. Politely, of course.

I fucking swear. When I tuned in on it. I was laughing. Because I just
thought it was a comedy show. Or something. But it wasn't. It was


Trapped in a box. 8 hours. 5 days. 40 hours a week. Eliminate sleep
time. And HELL. It's practically HOME.

Ever have someone look you straight in the eye and say: "Welcome to
Hell." With a very very very _serious_ and mean look on their face. In
fact. It's the second thing this person has said to you. After, "Hey,
welcome to the company."

Well. I have. While working at a corporation. On my first day. Crazy,

Maybe working 3 months is pushing it. Maybe just LOOKING AROUND YOU
for a minute will KEY you in on SOMETHING VITAL that you've BEEN
MISSING. And it's been around for QUITE A WHILE. Bush is just a STORM
CLOUD over Mordor.

Visit the industrial areas of a city. Doesn't it look like they're
just MURDERING the world? Sucking the life out of it and leaving
everything stained BLACK. Take a spin through low-income areas. Where
the cops are more like prison guards. Note the stockades.

Suburbia? heh. What's with all these FAST CASH fly-by-night companies
popping up these days? Rumble. Crumble. How many mortgages was that?
How many credit cards? And you still can't stop wanting to BUY THINGS.

Security systems. Lojack. Pepper spray. It's _dangerous_ out there.
Aren't we paying someone to keep us safe?


Racecar grin you ain't no landmark
Because one can't watch John Carpenter movies all day long every day.

What IS IT that they are DISTRACTING you FROM?
Cosmic Monsters, Inc

It's all very horribly real. And right outside your door.

Hauser and O'Brien - Bugpowder

"No. You're not."


From: (HellPopeHuey)

Man, you're really scaaaaryyyyy, or would be if we did not already
know all of this. Very well put however. You may absolutely NOT teach
Sunday school. No way. The kids just can't handle learning it all at
once. They'd pop like messy little balloons, grasping all at once why
their parents are THAT WAY.

This might even make a great monster movie script, except its already
been done. One was "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" by the great
Edward Albee and the other is coming out this summer. Its called
"Predator Vs. Aliens." Gnash & Thrash, attorneys at law. Hi Phil,
how's the wife & kids, I KILL YOU AND EAT YOUR


HellPope Huey
Since when did Punch & Judy
trade slapsticks for maces?

"Attention, attention,
there are monkey-boys in the complex."
- "Buckaroo Banzai"

"Waiter! There's SAND in my taco!"
"Sir, this is Mars. There's sand in everything."
- Rev. Polar Bear


From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <>

Right, that's what's ironic, he's preaching quite well to the saved.
understood, preaching is still PEP-TALK, and by gobbs, we ALL need a
good PEP TALK now and then to help keep things in perspective.
Persepective.... well, you know what I mean. Our own personal
patriopsychotic anarchomaterialist perpectives. Anyway it's always good
to see a new Garrison Keilor of Hate.

4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)


From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <>

MRvDC <> wrote:

> For anyone that has never worked for a corporation. Try this:


> "No. You're not."

BRAVO!! This basic rant has been hollered thousands of times by
thousands of people, each time differently, but you've done an
admirable job of it in this particular instance. Made ME, a
ply-by-night cult priest and art bum, feel like I DID THE RIGHT THING.

If accidentally. I was TRYING to get one of those office jobs at one
time, several times actually, but, PRAISE "BOB'S" SWEET NAME, had "bad
timing," and was forced to free-lance doing technical work to support
my family and my SubGenius book editing habit. I learned the film
cutting trade from books, and minimum wage jobs as an underling, but
the work was easy. It was having to put my foot in people's doors to
scrounge up jobs that was really nerve wracking. When you free-lance,
you don't have to deal with the same assholes every single day, but you
do have to go to "job interviews" all the time. And mostly you're still
doing the bidding of these insufferable, scared suit-guys. But, they're
kind of in awe of you because, compared to them, you're like some
barbarian pirate who blows in from your high seas adventures every now
and then and saves their little corporate asses with your expertise and
confidence. Usually you're just coming in and fixing something simple
that they fucked up.

I am suggesting this path as a possible alternate lifestyle for youth
fresh out of the nest.

A trade that I would suggest, and I am absolutely flat-out serious
about this, is PLUMBING. If you are a good plumber, you will be able to
get good paying, challenging work anywhere in the world. Same goes for
electricians or car mechanics. Doctors are also in demand everywhere,
but becoming a doctor involves joining a part of the Conspiracy that is
probably just exactly what many of us would be trying to avoid.

Meanwhile, I sympathize with every poor fuck who has to sit their
knowing his or her VERY LIFE is being drained away on that time clock,
and FOR WHAT?!?!?

your piggybank until it has the $20 you need to buy this INDISPENSABLE,
Foundation, PO Box 140 -- oops, I mean, 204206, Austin TX 78720!!

4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)

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