From: firstname.lastname@example.org (HellPopeHuey)
Date: Wed, Mar 24, 2004
You have the right to go to IHOP and drink directly
from all of the
syrup dispensers, although you won't be welcomed back.
You have the right to suck it up, stick it out, slug it out, cut
bait, fish or buy an enormous bag of candy, even if you have an ass so
wide it sweeps things from the shelves if you don't walk right down
the very middle of the aisle.
You have the right to kiss my ass. In fact, you have
the right to
kiss my shiny metal replacement ass, which I acquired by losing the
previous one when I turned right instead of left at a fragile moment.
You have the right to kiss HER ass, or not, but its
a pretty good
habit to develop. Just find the right balance.
You have the right to eat terribly and get no thiamine
in your diet,
causing you to eventually undergo a neural disruption that makes you
strip off naked and run down the street making chicken noises.
You have the right to bitch about your rights, even
though most of
them are ephemeral constructs at best. You also have the right to
You have the right to stare dully at reports concerning Iraq.
You have the right to kick that human Brillo pad Pauly
Shore in the
gonads so hard, he makes a sound only bats can hear. The penalty would
be worth it, surely.
You have the right to turn on a webcam and show blurry
frame shots of
your tits to people you don't know.
You have the right to dress like an ugly grandmother,
even if you are
not one by virtue of being male. You also have the right to laugh at
local drag queens who don't shave well before putting on their makeup.
You have the right to run for President of the United
as a giant ferret. You have the right to keep the remaining war chest
money when you drop out of the race. Hey, it worked for Al Sharpton.
You have the right to spin like dervish in the front
yard and scare
the piss out of the neighbors.
You have the right to the faith of your choice, although
a lot of
people seem to worship perplexing things such as flags, wrestlers,
un-airbrushed porn and fuel-injected muscle cars.
You have the right to make the hard decisions because
you have to
shoulder the consequences.
You have the right to ignore the hair clogging the shower
it spills over one day and causes $4000 worth of damage as it soaks
its way to the first floor.
You have the right to be a bitch, but its a poor one to exercise.
You have the right to tell a bitch her tits are on their
her knees, regardless. You have the right to forego that right and
simply leave a huge dildo in the mailbox of the puckered office
You have the right to breathe, no matter what They say.
I have the
right to hand you a breath mint if you are making my eyes water
because you had onions for lunch and have not flossed since Jimmy
Carter held office.
You have the right to be proud to be an American, but
not to be
narrow or uppity about it. Its not a black-or-white issue.
You have the right to captivate someone for as long
as you can,
hopefully for a lifetime.
You have the right to ride the wild wombat, if you know
what I mean
and I think you do.
You have the right to ignore the migratory patterns
You have the right to struggle in a bid to be faithful to two seeming
contradictions. Its a wacky world and sometimes, that's how it
You have the right to wear an aluminum foil derby. It
will also help
the rest of us identify you.
You have the right to make a mistake or have a fragile
some narcissistic clod getting in your face about it publically. You
have a right to drop kick them in the groin if they do. Well,
basically. The right to do it also comes with the obligation to weigh
the depth of the need and the repercussions. However, if you decide to
kick, its only right to kick with conviction.
You have the right to rock the casbah.
You have the right to hate those grindingly-stupid,
Old Navy commercials with a passion normally reserved for taxes,
murderous foreign despots, rap blaring from cars passing your house at
2 a.m. and having someone else's child throw up into your purse. You
know you should keep a tighter grip on it.
You have the right to ice cream.
You have the right to smoke, but not to blow it on me.
You have the
right to feel both a bit peeved and regretful that Frank Zappa smoked
until it killed him prematurely.
You have the right to super-glue your cheating husband's
penis to his
thigh. You don't have the right to hit a woman with your fists, but
you do have the right to hit her with your disregard or, with more
intimate relationships, your departure. Same goes for her.
You have the right to make strange noises in empty grocery
aisles to disquiet the Mundanes in the others.
You have the right to deliver trashy sexual innuendo
wrapped around sausages on a stick, but only within certain circles,
not to the 88-year-old widow next door.
You have the right to praise "Bob." You also have the right to
praise Connie, which is a smart move, since she is more on the ball
than he is, what with all that perplexing dumpster diving he does.
You have the right to SHUT UP.
You have the right to Alt + DELETE this whole list.
Your enlightenment in 30 minutes or its free
If you talk to God, you are praying.
If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
- Thomas Szasz
Baby Jesus was toilet trained
by the time he was 3 days old.
Too bad toilets wouldn't be invented
for another 1800 years.
- Rev. Gary G'Broagfran
Original file name: Know Your Bleepin' Rights.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05
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