touch me again and I will hurt you

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <>
Date: Mon, Mar 22, 2004

nu-monet v6.0 <> wrote:


Throughout history, poebuckers have needed smarmy assholes to remind
them on a weekly basis that stealing, brawling, raping, etc. would
bring bad consequences, and that good manners brighten everyone's day.

It's how broadly the phrase "acts of kindness" can be interpreted that
makes this well meaning set of do-gooders a sitting-duck target for, I
dunno, somebody mean. The Xists for instance might have a different
concept of an "act of kindness" than would the average human.

4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)


From: Joe Cosby <>

I've been the lucky recipient of many acts of unsolicited kindness
this month; including pictures of diseased lungs on billboards to
force me to stop smoking, Christians reminding me that Jesus was beat
to a bloody heap on my behalf to remind me that if I don't become his
zombie slave I will fry in hell forever, vegetarians reminding me that
if I am cruel to the noble chicken I will make the baby Buddha cry,
dozens of kind strangers calling me on the telephone around dinnertime
to help me with my carpet cleaning/home mortgage/charitable
contribution needs and hundreds of good-hearted souls who emailed me
to help me get an erection which lasts 70 hours.

I am filled with warmth and if I am filled with any more warmth I will
start shooting people.

Joe Cosby


From: Klyf Fenderson <>

I was gonna say one of the nicest things I could do for most people
would be to put 'em out of, their misery.

Rev. Klyf S""-M257 the Not-Quite-Sane Fenderson
== Remove "TURNIP" when replying ==


From: polar bear <>

Joe Cosby <> wrote:
> I am filled with warmth and if I am filled with any more warmth I will
> start shooting people.

Scroll down to the bottom where he thoughtfully provided three targets
for you to practice on. Wasn't that kind of him?



From: (MRvDC)


Christ. This NG is teeming with supervillians.


Dick Hertz (Hey, who's Dick Hertz?) <> babbled:

You say "supervillain" like it's a bad thing.


From: Klyf Fenderson <>

Dammit. The only supervillian power I have is to sweat

Rev. Klyf S""-M257 the Not-Quite-Sane Fenderson
== Remove "TURNIP" when replying ==
Today's message was brought to you by the Presidential Council on Mental
Health. Ooga-Pbtht


From: "nu-monet v6.0" <>

You just haven't found your "inner supervillain."

A "villain quest" begins with the Nenslitic Mantra,
otherwise known as "finding your outer silence."
This is achieved by loudly repeating, over and over,
with increasing volume, your mantra to the stupid
and pestiferous individuals who annoy you:

"Shut up.
Shut up!

It will never shut them up, but it is not for them
in the first place, it is for YOU. Everything you
are doing FOR is FOR YOU. Everyone else you do
you are doing AGAINST.

Slowly you will feel the burning power of hate well
up within you. It comes from deep within your lower
abdomen, from a place called the Turd Chakra. It
gives you the strength to maintain extreme dislike
for an extended period of time. Dislike that can
manifest itself in villainy.

The Turd Chakra is also the seat of Excremeditation,
but only after years of training can you hope to
reach that unidefecation of the Self, the Feces,
and the Joyous Receptacle. That is of the realm of
the Master Overman.

The other Chakras, each in turn, have their purpose
in the development of a supervillain. From lowest
of purpose to highest, they are:

The Fist Chakra, also called the "Instinkfinger"
Chakra, also called the "rectal sphincter."

The Snack Chakra, also called the "Higher Bowel
Movement" Chakra, found at the place where junk
food is rested on the abdomen while reclining
on a sacred easy chair and watching teevee.

The Turd Chakra.

The Farth Chakra. It is the place within us from
where our sacred odors are generated. It is the
Yang to the Yin of the Sniff Chakra, like breathing,
you produce odors in the Farth and you uptake them
through the Sniff. Mastery of this Chakra gives you
the power to make the heads of those who interfere
with you explode.

The Filth Chakra. Truly a place of power, it is the
seat of the necktie, the sacred garment that we use
to prevent flatulence retention. With practice, it
lets you shoot laser beams out of your eyes and
levitate on Wednesdays.

The Sniff Chakra, also known as the "Third Nose",
that is used by SubGenii to detect Farth Chakra
generated Yeti vapours. Supervillains also use the
Third Nose to sense the coming of "good guys" which
reek of the foul odor of the CONSPIRACY. An expert
in the Sniff Chakra can make himself invisible by
directing the attention of others to someone else.

The Xist Chakra is located in the hair of the head,
ears, nose, and eyebrows, and is used only on X-Day
for "Bob" to pull SubGenii and Supervillains up
into the Xist saucers by. This will hurt, but will
be worth it. It may also cause spontaneous combustion,
but that is a small price to pay for ultimate power.


From: "Paul E. Jamison" <>

nu-monet v6.0 wrote:
> The Turd Chakra.

I always thought a chakra was that round thing
Xena threw at the bad guys - or at least the guys
whose side she wasn't on. I kind of like the idea
of Xena throwing turd chakras. It would've boosted
the ratings of her show higher than any tit-flash
from her or the blonde chick.

Paul E. Jamison


From: wbarwell <>

Hey, just heard that the Aeon Flux movie is well underway.
Will we see more women buying submachines guns and black
leather bikinis now? I hope so!

Cheerful Charlie

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