From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>
Date: Fri, Feb 20, 2004
a couple of years ago, I took this image
clipped it to about the size of the address block on
an envelope, and
pasted it into a template for an envelope in place of the address
block. The rest of the envelope was normal, with my return address in
the correct place, and it was all set up so I could stick an envelope
in my printer and print this out, and the envelope would print,
essentially normal except that this graphic would appear as the
So I took a Memo template from Microsoft Word, at work.
It was "Memo
- Modern Professional" and it was a template I used for Professional
documents that I would send to people in work-related capacities. It
had my name, home address, phone number, and email address in the
upper right corner and then there were these exciting geometrical but
off-symmetric Modern lines to give the document use-of-space and
proportion and indicate the main body of the document, and in the body
of the document I pasted the same graphic.
So I printed the document, put it in the envelope, and
put a stamp on
The idea being that the mail carrier should find the
person in the
image in the address block and attempt to deliver it to him. And if
he were able to find somebody who seemed appropriate then they could
open the letter and the way I see it, is it was my way of saying "HEY,
I KNOW YOU'RE THERE". Which, I think, if I were somebody like that, I
would find reassuring.
I mean yeah, I know, that's not the way mail is supposed
to work. I
know, I didn't really EXPECT my mail carrier to DO this, although I
had no question that, despite that he would refuse to do it, he would
know what I EXPECTED of him. And to me that was enough. Some things
just can't possibly be done right, so you just do them the best that
So when I was paying bills one day, I put the letter
to Henry in with
the bills, and put them all in my mail box, along with the bills, and
put the flag on my mailbox up.
So I came home later, and the flag was down, so I know
he (the mail
guy) had been there. So I checked the mail box and the bills were
gone, but the letter to Henry was still there, untouched, with the
stamp on it.
So I took it back out and it sat on the back of my couch
for a while.
But as I see it, yes, I know, it's kind of insane to expect the mail
carrier to deliver this letter to just a picture of somebody who isn't
real rather than to deliver my bills to the phone and power company,
who are very big companies who definitely are there. But HOW insane?
See that's the question.
I know he got the IDEA of what I was asking of him.
The basic logic
of envelope-address block-stamp is not really all the esoteric.
So how far do I have to go before HE will go a little further?
So the next week I put a second stamp on the envelope
and put the flag
on the mailbox up and tried again. No go. So the next week, to the
day, I put another two on. No go. And each week I doubled the number
of stamps. Eight, 16, 32, until the envelope was covered, front and
back, with stamps, and each week I put it back in the mail box and put
the little flag up.
Finally there was just no more room for stamps so I
just kept putting
it in, once a week, again and again. Each week I would come home, and
THE FLAG WAS DOWN, so I know HE had seen it, but the letter was still
This went on for months.
Then finally one day, I came home, and the flag was
down, and the
letter was gone.
Probably, he just finally threw it away. MAYBE he REALLY
MAYBE he delivered it to whoever he could find who best fit the
Maybe he finally drove the little mail golf cart thing
they drive back
to work, sobbing in tears, ATE the damn letter, and QUIT on teh spot.
I will never know.
Some things just can't possibly be done RIGHT so you
just do them the
best you can.
So WHO CARES?
I finally saw Janor Hypercleats' great soul-searing
Church of Don.
Where he lambastes and frickasees all subgeniuses because it's all a
CUTE IN-JOKE and aren't we CLEVER and I told someone I worship BOB
today "heh heh heh" with massive dripping sarcasm and isn't it all
Well look, mother fucker, this is the way I AM. This
is the way I was
long before the church of the fucking subgenius. I sent a letter to
Henry today "heh heh heh" with massive dripping sarcasm and isn't that
a CUTE IN-JOKE and isnt' it all fucking STUPID.
But the thing is, I would have sent the letter ANYWAY.
I GIGGLED MY
ASS OFF the whole time I was fucking with that poor mail man who
probably went off his shit and shot up a McDonald's after the whole
thing was done. Because it was FUNNY. And BECAUSE I giggled my ass
off, I didn't have to shoot the McDonald's up MYSELF.
Cause even if I hadn't been giggling my ass off, I would
have DONE IT
ANYWAY. But THEN, I would not have known how to tell exactly why it
was INSANE HUMOR rather than JUST INSANE.
I wouldn't have known.
So if you get sick of the joke, fine, fuck off and don't be funny.
Go beg for change in Berkeley and do a NOT FUNNY ACT
and then get in
an indignant rage because nobody knows your NOT FUNNY ACT is BETTER.
Humor isn't a CRUTCH. It isn't a RELEASE. It's an
EXCUSE. It lets
people like ME do what we MUST DO whether WE like it or not and have
an EXCUSE from being CLINICAL.
uhm OK I feel much better now.
I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER
WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
From: "iDRMRSR" <email@example.com>
Obviously, the mailman saw the picture and said "It's
OOOOO KKKKKKK!" and
then prolly put it back.
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
polar bear <email@example.com> wrote:
> They probably framed it and hung it on the post
> And sent your address to the FBI, just in case.
Now see, back in the day, there was a chance that a
mailman would have
seen that as a CHALLENGE, taken it back to HQ, showed it around to
everybody so they could marvel at how crazy and/or experimental you
were, then somebody would say, "Oh, that's Eraserhead, what's that
actor's name, Jack Vance or something like that, he was in Twin Peaks,
HELL, let's TRY TO DELIVER IT!" Then they'd find out he's dead, and
that's where your joke would have fallen flat. Because it's
unreasonable to expect the PO to take the letter to a DEAD guy.
And you have only ASSUMED that your postman was somehow
this thing. How di you know he didn't take one look at it and think,
"Ha! Very funny. But this worried-looking actor is dead. I grok his
"photo instead of an address" joke -- if only he knew how many
teenagers on this block have already tried that -- but this fucking
actor is DEAD and Mister Cosby must be a DUMBASS."
You never know, see. I don't mean to bring you down
or anything. But
I've had a lot of experience with very weird looking mail and the
postal workers. The ones in Dallas dealt with all manner of goofy shit
and got it to me anyway.
The very first or maybe second letter we ever got from
was written on and SENT on a PING PONG BALL. Onan had stuck a stamp on
the ball, and there was enough room for my address and his return
address and a very small letter. VERY small. That was in 1981 or so
Once I got a letter addressed to me even though it was
sent to "Ivan
Stang" at the WRONG PO box -- two numbers off -- AND THE WRONG ZIP CODE
-- two MORE numbers off -- yet it got to me. After three weeks. (The
letter happened to be from Bob Black, and he was saying in all
seriousness and drunkenness that he was going to murder Nenslo and then
kill himself because Nenslo had "stolen Donna" with the help of my evil
church. I phoned Nenslo but he just laughed. Three weeks HAD after all
gone by. (Funny how kooks always interpret being dumped as "that other
guy stole her."))
Anyway the point is the PO were GOOD SPORTS in them
days. And many of
them probably are still, or would be, but NOW IT'S ILLEGAL TO BE
INFORMAL ON THE JOB, or JOKE, or CUSS, or SMOKE, or HAVE GRAVEN IMAGES
of your FUCKING KIDS or your GOD on the cubicle wall, or to do anything
UNUSUAL, and yes, you're right, the postman probably did report it to
the FBI, but only because he'd be FIRED if they ever found out later
that he DIDN'T. And nobody at the PO would have recognized Eraserhead.
You're right. It's all fucked. That IS funny!
Janor's Church of Don thing WAS painfully hilarious.
I was more into
his Praise Lou church, another one of his spin-offs. Then there was the
Church of Young Girls Who Worship Janor's Cock, which was a hilarious
concept until you as a young girl found out that he didn't mean it as a
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
Original file name: So, for whatever reason.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05
This page was created using TextToHTML. TextToHTML is a free software for Macintosh and is (c) 1995,1996 by Kris Coppieters