Christmas Message
Correspondent:: "sputnik"
Date: Thu, 09 Dec 2004 12:17:05 GMT
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I think it's nearly Christmas.
I say that because it's December 5th, and we have a fully decorated
Christmas tree in our living room, blinking happilly.
When I was a kid, do you know when we put the tree up? December 24th!
And do you know when we took it down again? December 26th! 3 days! That was
it!
And we got rocks for christmas. That's it. Just rocks.
Oh, sure, some of them were PRETTY rocks, but that's NOT THE POINT!
Kids have it too easy these days. When I was a kid, we made our christmas
presents ourselves, out of locally available materials, like sticks, grass,
mud, and toxic waste. And then we wrapped it in old newspaper, and we gave
them to ourselves. And PRETENDED TO BE SURPRISED!
I mean, what is going on with kids these days, with their nintendo, their
colecovision, and whatnot. It's all virtual reality these days. Whatever
happend to REAL reality anymore? And whatever happened to the Lawrence Welk
show, anyway? That was a good show.
But I digress.
The tree blinks, the cat plays with the tinsel, and guaranteed, I'm going to
have to be pulling tinsel bedecked poop out of his litterbox for weeks to
come. Did I ever tell you about how my cat almost died? He got something
stuck in his duodenum, which backed up his poop (I know, it's not pretty.
Well, I'm not a pretty guy, now am I?), until he was just about swimming in
cat excrement. Do you know what it was causing the blockage?
A nerf dart.
A god damned $575.00 nerf dart. That's what.
And you'd think he'd have learned his lesson. You'd think he would have
LISTENED to me when I ranted and raved at him after I got the doctor bills,
but NO. No he didn't. He still happily munches on those styrofoam peanuts,
whenever a new box of CRAP from Amazon arrives. You'd think he was a little
ground level 747, the way he zooms out as soon as just ONE styrofoam peanut
falls, and gobbles it up. LUCKILY he's able to squeeze those out just fine.
OH, it's not like you haven't heard me talking about feline digestive habits
before. Read my book.
And did you know that medical bills for cats aren't covered by most family
health plans?
I tried, I called him my son. I mean, Felix "Boom-boom" Palmer could be a
persons name, right? I mean, it sounds like a boxer, for chrissakes. But
they didn't believe me. So, here I was out $575.00 to have a stinking NERF
DART removed from my cats duodenuwhateveryoucallit.
There was no crack for THAT christmas, let me tell you...
But I digress again.
So, it's only a couple of weeks until christmas (I never can make up my mind
whether to capitalize that or not. I mean, I believe that Christ existed,
but that he just wasn't all that important. Yes, I know, son of God, water
into wine, all that stuff, but do you know how cheap wine was back then? I
mean, you could buy a crock of good Palestinian stuff, for like three
drachma. THREE DRACHMA! That makes that particular miracle worth about, oh
$7.50. I spend more than that on a CAR WASH, and nobodys calling me "Eric,
Our Saviour of Jiffy-Wash".
Nobody except that guy at the Seven Eleven.
I hate that guy).
But I digress.
So, AGAIN, it's only a couple of weeks until Christmas (there, I capitalized
it. You happy?), and of course, I haven't bought anything for anyone yet.
And what's all this about buying? I mean, Jesus comes back, and says "Yea,
verily, I have seen the Kohls 6 hour sale in my name, and am well
pleased"??? It's not like he REALLY cares about those $47.00 Nikes, anyway.
I mean REALLY.
Dockers, maybe.
But I digress again.
I seem to be doing that a lot.
So... what have I covered?
Christmas presents made out of toxic waste, the Lawrence Welk show, nerf
darts, cat poop covered in tinsel, and Jesus wearing Dockers.
Yep, I guess that about covers it.
Oh wait, I forgot about Starbucks Eggnog Latte.
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Thu, 09 Dec 2004 17:21:18 GMT
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In article <5nXtd.1932$Zn6.586@trnddc08>,
"sputnik" wrote:
> So... what have I covered?
> Christmas presents made out of toxic waste, the Lawrence Welk show, nerf
> darts, cat poop covered in tinsel, and Jesus wearing Dockers.
> Yep, I guess that about covers it.
> Oh wait, I forgot about Starbucks Eggnog Latte.
Sounds like you just downed 5 of them on an empty stomoach, there,
doktor. Yell all of that out in a stream in front of a grocery store and
the cops will give you a cot and a hot meal. And yes, a cat's
fecal-tinsel trick is a 'bomination.
--
HellPope Huey
My ruby slippers got turned at the heels
The only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing.
- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
I'm glad I don't have to explain to a man from Mars
why each day I set fire to dozens of little pieces of paper
and then put them in my mouth.
- Mignon McLaughlin