Death takes the off-ramp
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 07:19:14 GMT

--------

I miraculously survived both the 3-story apartment building 200 feet
from mine burning to the ground last Monday and the vicious ice storm
that caught me around the soft parts Wednesday as I hied my ass to the
highway for an Xmas trip to the dear-but-not-so-near 80 miles yonder,
having last seen only a report of light snow on the way. It wasn't all
schnapps & skittles, oh no. A 1.5 hour trip became a 4-hour exercise in
fruitless cursing and prayers to Crom. Praise my car, which handled the
ordeal beyond the point of no return like a champ.

While enjoying the tooth-gritting pleasure of doing 35 mph and LESS in
2nd gear over increasingly dangerous and hilly roads, I was treated to
the vision of a woman sliding out of control about 400 feet ahead of me.
She was promptly hit by a semi behind her, once in the trunk, then a
second time, which spun her around mightily and half-crushed the front
side of the car. This sent both sliding into the grassy median.

Her head was leaning back on the headrest, the driver's side glass
knocked out completely. I'm sure she was not doing it because she was
enraptured by the musical stylings of the Red Hot Chili Peppers on the
radio. There is a certain look to the departed and she had it.

Having no cell phone -and I'm damned well going to acquire one of some
sort NOW- I was fortunate to skirt the mess and kept going, as
clambering across a frozen highway with no cell or medical gear seemed
foolish when the semi had not rolled over and almost surely contained a
still-capable driver with a radio intact. Likewise, at least 40% of
those behind me statistically had phones, so risking mangling or death
under those terms had a poor cost/benefit ratio.

The next day, the news reported that she had indeed snuffed it.
T.h.e.m. does not mention it often, but side collisions often result in
broken necks. The serious sound I heard through closed windows would
support that idea in this instance. TV and movie violence is presented
as elegant, exciting; in reality, its simply a flat crack and some
crumpling that heralds no glamour whatsoever.

That's the 3rd collision I have seen that resulted in deaths. The first
was when I walked out of my radio station at 3 a.m. just in time to see
3 joyriders wrap their VW around a tree in a quite-final fashion. The
2nd was on the Gulf Freeway in Houston, where a very noisy altercation
between 3 vehicles left an actual whole ARM visible 2 lanes over from
me. Its owner was not nearly as close to it as he or she surely would
have preferred.

I always wear my seatbelt like it was a personal gift from Buddha and
had The Antidote To All Things Bad in it. In a sense, it does, at least
part of the time. I don't need to be flung through the window at high
speed to grasp the concept of becoming a human version of 3rd base or
dead if I become too complacent about what it can mean. All I have to do
is remember seeing three guys oozing pink froth as firefighters pried
them from that VW or that detached arm on the freeway to make it seem
like a truly swell idea.

My balls leapt into my throat so hard when I saw this unfold, it left 2
dents you could rest lemons in. God rest the cops who have to confront
these events. I'm still alive, with all of my limbs intact, concerning
which I am both further sobered and grateful. The click of that harness
as you set out on your journies and 15 miles per hour less inertia can
mean everything in a pinch.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, because sometimes its not a bell....
its the sudden sound of metal versus metal and all you are, all you held
dear and all of those who held you dear simultaneously disappearing on
sudden, dark wings.

--

HellPope Huey
People applauded rather than throwing fruit.
I take this as a good sign.

Infinite goodness
is creating a being you know, in advance,
is going to complain.
- William Peter Blatty, "Ninth Configuration"

"Does the noise in my head bother you,
bother you, bother you, bother you?"
- Loop Guru, "Loop Bites Dog"


Correspondent:: Zapanaz
Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 23:36:21 -0800

--------
On Tue, 28 Dec 2004 07:19:14 GMT, HellPope Huey
wrote:

> [snip second huey traffic nightmare this month]

i'm not driving anywhere within 700 miles of you this month.

--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/
Language is a virus from outer space.
- William S. Burroughs




Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 20:33:52 GMT

--------
In article ,
Zapanaz wrote:
> On Tue, 28 Dec 2004 07:19:14 GMT, HellPope Huey
> wrote:
>
> > [snip second huey traffic nightmare this month]
>
> i'm not driving anywhere within 700 miles of you this month.

Oh, right, like it'll be better in February. Don't be a jerk-o-potamus.
Just pay attention and give Officer Friendly one less forehead to pry
from a dashboard, willya? They may be paramilitary, but many are decent
folks and they don't like to power-barf any more than you do.

No one really wants to see you dead, Joe, despite appearances; some
just want you in a heavily-powered wheelchair hollering 'Timmyyyyyyy!!"

--

HellPope Huey
People applauded rather than throwing fruit.
I take this as a good sign.

Infinite goodness
is creating a being you know, in advance,
is going to complain.
- William Peter Blatty, "Ninth Configuration"

"Does the noise in my head bother you,
bother you, bother you, bother you?"
- Loop Guru, "Loop Bites Dog"


Correspondent:: "ouroboros rex"
Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 10:16:40 -0600

--------

"HellPope Huey" wrote in message
news:NoRestraint-F95DA9.01182428122004@news1.west.earthlink.net...

>
> That's the 3rd collision I have seen that resulted in deaths.

Huey Takes a Holiday




Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 20:30:35 GMT

--------
In article ,
"ouroboros rex" wrote:
> "HellPope Huey" wrote in message
> news:NoRestraint-F95DA9.01182428122004@news1.west.earthlink.net...
>
> > That's the 3rd collision I have seen that resulted in deaths.
>
> Huey Takes a Holiday

I also have a perplexing tendency to urinate into people's spit valves
once in a while. Its just a misdemeanor and it makes me happy.

--

HellPope Huey
People applauded rather than throwing fruit.
I take this as a good sign.

Infinite goodness
is creating a being you know, in advance,
is going to complain.
- William Peter Blatty, "Ninth Configuration"

"Does the noise in my head bother you,
bother you, bother you, bother you?"
- Loop Guru, "Loop Bites Dog"


Correspondent:: "c-bee1"
Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 03:03:00 GMT

--------

"HellPope Huey" wrote in message
news:NoRestraint-2062C3.14294728122004@news1.west.earthlink.net...
> In article ,
> "ouroboros rex" wrote:
> > "HellPope Huey" wrote in message
> > news:NoRestraint-F95DA9.01182428122004@news1.west.earthlink.net...
> >
> > > That's the 3rd collision I have seen that resulted in deaths.
> >
> > Huey Takes a Holiday
>
> I also have a perplexing tendency to urinate into people's spit valves
> once in a while. Its just a misdemeanor and it makes me happy.

Now that, I have no ready-to-hand old movie plot for. Unless The Music
Man had some gaps in his biography. It's always the ones you don't suspect.

>
> --
>
> HellPope Huey
> People applauded rather than throwing fruit.
> I take this as a good sign.
>
> Infinite goodness
> is creating a being you know, in advance,
> is going to complain.
> - William Peter Blatty, "Ninth Configuration"
>
> "Does the noise in my head bother you,
> bother you, bother you, bother you?"
> - Loop Guru, "Loop Bites Dog"




Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 05:18:01 GMT

--------
In article ,
"c-bee1" wrote:
> "HellPope Huey" wrote in message
> news:NoRestraint-2062C3.14294728122004@news1.west.earthlink.net...

> > I also have a perplexing tendency to urinate into people's spit valves
> > once in a while. Its just a misdemeanor and it makes me happy.
>
> Now that, I have no ready-to-hand old movie plot for. Unless The Music
> Man had some gaps in his biography. It's always the ones you don't suspect.

Hey, that's far easier to bear than the time Little Fyodor took a
drunken dump in Philo's tuba. When he hit that first note, the front 3
rows were just splattered mercilessly. It was like a John Waters version
of a Gallagher show. Awful scene, that. I'm glad I was off to one side.
I saw Fyodor doing his nasty business backstage beforehand and could
have prevented the fecal blorpage, but who am I to interfere with
"Bob's" will?

--

HellPope Huey
That's one hell of a pickle,
Connie said to the beefy butcher.

"Who's that?"
"Oh, you wouldn't know them darling;
they're respectable."
- "After the Thin Man"

"How DARE you interfere with my literary posturing
and sully it with points of style???
The worst part is, you are correct. F**K you, sir."
- H. P. Huey


Correspondent:: "NeuroManson"
Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 02:42:49 GMT

--------
You seriously need to print and market a "My other car is a meat wagon"
bumper sticker.

"HellPope Huey" wrote in message
news:NoRestraint-F95DA9.01182428122004@news1.west.earthlink.net...
>
> I miraculously survived both the 3-story apartment building 200 feet
> from mine burning to the ground last Monday and the vicious ice storm
> that caught me around the soft parts Wednesday as I hied my ass to the
> highway for an Xmas trip to the dear-but-not-so-near 80 miles yonder,
> having last seen only a report of light snow on the way. It wasn't all
> schnapps & skittles, oh no. A 1.5 hour trip became a 4-hour exercise in
> fruitless cursing and prayers to Crom. Praise my car, which handled the
> ordeal beyond the point of no return like a champ.
>
> While enjoying the tooth-gritting pleasure of doing 35 mph and LESS in
> 2nd gear over increasingly dangerous and hilly roads, I was treated to
> the vision of a woman sliding out of control about 400 feet ahead of me.
> She was promptly hit by a semi behind her, once in the trunk, then a
> second time, which spun her around mightily and half-crushed the front
> side of the car. This sent both sliding into the grassy median.
>
> Her head was leaning back on the headrest, the driver's side glass
> knocked out completely. I'm sure she was not doing it because she was
> enraptured by the musical stylings of the Red Hot Chili Peppers on the
> radio. There is a certain look to the departed and she had it.
>
> Having no cell phone -and I'm damned well going to acquire one of some
> sort NOW- I was fortunate to skirt the mess and kept going, as
> clambering across a frozen highway with no cell or medical gear seemed
> foolish when the semi had not rolled over and almost surely contained a
> still-capable driver with a radio intact. Likewise, at least 40% of
> those behind me statistically had phones, so risking mangling or death
> under those terms had a poor cost/benefit ratio.
>
> The next day, the news reported that she had indeed snuffed it.
> T.h.e.m. does not mention it often, but side collisions often result in
> broken necks. The serious sound I heard through closed windows would
> support that idea in this instance. TV and movie violence is presented
> as elegant, exciting; in reality, its simply a flat crack and some
> crumpling that heralds no glamour whatsoever.
>
> That's the 3rd collision I have seen that resulted in deaths. The first
> was when I walked out of my radio station at 3 a.m. just in time to see
> 3 joyriders wrap their VW around a tree in a quite-final fashion. The
> 2nd was on the Gulf Freeway in Houston, where a very noisy altercation
> between 3 vehicles left an actual whole ARM visible 2 lanes over from
> me. Its owner was not nearly as close to it as he or she surely would
> have preferred.
>
> I always wear my seatbelt like it was a personal gift from Buddha and
> had The Antidote To All Things Bad in it. In a sense, it does, at least
> part of the time. I don't need to be flung through the window at high
> speed to grasp the concept of becoming a human version of 3rd base or
> dead if I become too complacent about what it can mean. All I have to do
> is remember seeing three guys oozing pink froth as firefighters pried
> them from that VW or that detached arm on the freeway to make it seem
> like a truly swell idea.
>
> My balls leapt into my throat so hard when I saw this unfold, it left 2
> dents you could rest lemons in. God rest the cops who have to confront
> these events. I'm still alive, with all of my limbs intact, concerning
> which I am both further sobered and grateful. The click of that harness
> as you set out on your journies and 15 miles per hour less inertia can
> mean everything in a pinch.
>
> Ask not for whom the bell tolls, because sometimes its not a bell....
> its the sudden sound of metal versus metal and all you are, all you held
> dear and all of those who held you dear simultaneously disappearing on
> sudden, dark wings.
>
> --
>
> HellPope Huey
> People applauded rather than throwing fruit.
> I take this as a good sign.
>
> Infinite goodness
> is creating a being you know, in advance,
> is going to complain.
> - William Peter Blatty, "Ninth Configuration"
>
> "Does the noise in my head bother you,
> bother you, bother you, bother you?"
> - Loop Guru, "Loop Bites Dog"




Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 16:31:31 GMT

--------
In article ,
"NeuroManson" wrote:

> You seriously need to print and market a "My other car is a meat wagon"
> bumper sticker.

"My other Mexican wife is a meat wagon."

--

HellPope Huey
The sleep of reason begets bupkiss, these days

A professional politician
is a professionally dishonorable man.
In order to get anywhere near high office,
he has to make so many compromises
and submit to so many humiliations
that he becomes indistinguishable
from a streetwalker.
- H. L. Mencken

"If you can make a million dollars eating a rat,
you can make TWO million PASSING one."
- Super Dave Osborne