On the wings of a titanium angel
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Tue, 07 Dec 2004 03:13:47 GMT
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Alleged airline personnel hijinks:
*On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
*On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
*As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
*After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
*From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."
*"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."
*"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency! water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
*"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
*And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
*Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
*An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am,"
said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land,
or were we shot down?"
*After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced , we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
*Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
*A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"
--
HellPope Huey
The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
You can't ever be really free
if you admire somebody too much.
- Tove Jansson, "Tales from Moominvalley"
"Poking a dead raccoon is not research."
- "The Simpsons"
Correspondent:: kludge@panix.com (Scott Dorsey)
Date: 8 Dec 2004 22:11:44 -0500
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HellPope Huey wrote:
>
> Alleged airline personnel hijinks:
Some of these stories date back to the 1950s and were included by Bennett
Cerf in his joke collections.
This is not original material. Talk bizarre is for original material,
not jokes that are too lame even for Maddi Hausmann.
--scott
--
"C'est un Nagra. C'est suisse, et tres, tres precis."
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Thu, 09 Dec 2004 05:01:29 GMT
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In article ,
kludge@panix.com (Scott Dorsey) wrote:
> HellPope Huey wrote:
> >
> > Alleged airline personnel hijinks:
>
> Some of these stories date back to the 1950s and were included by Bennett
> Cerf in his joke collections.
Sorry, I've only seen the whole Internet three times so far; I must
have missed those. OTOH, it beats hell out of channeling Andrew Dice
Clay, especially at a bris.
--
HellPope Huey
My ruby slippers got turned at the heels
The only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing.
- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
I'm glad I don't have to explain to a man from Mars
why each day I set fire to dozens of little pieces of paper
and then put them in my mouth.
- Mignon McLaughlin
Correspondent:: polar bear
Date: Sat, 11 Dec 2004 07:01:18 -0800
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In article ,
HellPope Huey wrote:
> In article ,
> kludge@panix.com (Scott Dorsey) wrote:
> > HellPope Huey wrote:
> > >
> > > Alleged airline personnel hijinks:
> >
> > Some of these stories date back to the 1950s and were included by Bennett
> > Cerf in his joke collections.
>
> Sorry, I've only seen the whole Internet three times so far; I must
> have missed those. OTOH, it beats hell out of channeling Andrew Dice
> Clay, especially at a bris.
>
You don't need the internet dude.
Any back-issue of Reader's Digest will do.
pb