Retrospective: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Correspondent:: Modemac Date: Mon, 13 Dec 2004 00:17:16 GMT
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Way back when I was a young 'un (some time in the mid-1970s or so),
the timeless holiday classic (ahem) "Santa Claus Conquers The
Martians" was broadcast on our local station for a Saturday afternoon
movie. My brothers and I started watching it, but they became bored
(or worse) and wandered away from the TV. I didn't, however; for some
reason I still don't understand, I sat and watched the entire movie.
Years later, I discovered "Bob" and the Church of the SubGenius.
Coincidence, or no?
Of the various kiddie-oriented holiday movies to appear over the
years, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is easily the most
infamous, the most despised, and the one pointed to as the worst
Christmas movie of all time (if not the worst movie ever). This movie
is often compared with the two most famous bad movies of all, "Plan 9
from Outer Space" and "Robot Monster." Among fans of "Mystery Science
Theater 3000," "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" (I'll call it SCCTM
for now) remains one of the most popular episodes -- not just because
the comedy is so good in this particular one, but because the movie is
indeed so bad.
But comparing SCCTM to "Robot Monster" and "Plan 9" is like comparing
apples and oranges, for a number of reasons. First of all, both of
the other classics of badfilm were honestly made with good intentions:
their creators honestly believed or hoped they were weaving exciting,
terrifying tales of monsters from outer space, to scare their
audiences and deliver a good time at the movies. Science fiction
films of the early-to-mid-1950s had not yet been relegated to the
status of low-budget kiddie entertainment, and their creators had
enough faith in their visions to persevere and bring them through to
the final versions on screen...which were subsequently rejected by
howling, laughing audiences. But still, they were brave enough to
try; and this is why "Robot Monster" and "Plan 9" are still enjoyed
and respected (after a fashion) by audiences today. Sympathetic movie
fans know that these movies are indeed as awful as their legends say,
but they still respect the directors and actors behind them. And
despite their legendary status as the so-called "worst" movies ever
made, I can honestly say I've seen worse. (Have you ever seen a
double-feature of "Navy Versus the Night Monsters" and "Women of the
Prehistoric Planet?")
Which brings us to "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians." I'll say that
I know very little of the behind-the-scenes decisions that resulted in
this piece of celluloid excrement, but it sure seems safe to say that
there was no great creative vision involved in the concept. Some
marketing guru had the the bright idea of making a Christmas-themed
"science fiction" movie to foist on the little kiddies -- something
that was practically guaranteed to make a profit, especially if the
production budget was kept low. And he was right, too: SCCTM was
re-released to matinee theaters across the country and around the
world for the next twenty years, and the movie did indeed bring in a
profit. It also caused some children to start screaming and crying,
according to legend, but who cared about that? (The movie's
profitability makes me wonder why the movie's producers let it lapse
into the public domain; this is why the only copies of the movie
available on video today have washed-out, dark, mauve-tainted prints.)
SCCTM is hardly alone in its opinion that kids will watch anything put
in front of them, if it's meant to appeal especially to kids.- --
something that continues through the present day. (Can you say
"Yu-Gi-Oh!," boys and girls?)
Yet despite the five seconds or so it took to come up with the deeply
moving concept of Santa Claus being kidnaped by Martians, the
screenwriters assigned to the project listed in the Internet Movie
Database as Paul L. Jacobson and Glenville Mareth) still did their
best to produce a decent story, one that took care to treat the
beloved image of Santa Claus with respect. While the movie suffers
from lapses in logic (of the kind that would make Dustin Hoffman in
"Rain Man" say "this sucks!"), there are still some moments in the
story that suggest the writers were trying to give it some kind of
decency.
John Call's performance as Santa Claus has been called many things,
ranging from "half-drunk" to "high on LSD," but I'll disagree with
this and say his performance is actually decent. He gives us the
Santa that children know and love: always smiling and laughing, jolly,
respectful, similar to Bugs Bunny in his certainty that he's never in
any real danger (which makes it easy to forgive Voldar the evil
Martian), and possessed of an infectious glee and jolliness that
mysteriously turns the attacking Martian robot Torg into a toy, and
makes the young Martian children smile with joy. (Well, if the kids
playing the Martian kids had turned in a decent performance -- and
yes, I know that's Pia Zadora -- then we might have better been able
to suspend disbelief and accept Santa bringing joy to the children of
Mars.) Even the rebellious Martians are affected by Santa's jolliness
(except for the evil Voldar, of course); and even he even makes us
believe (sort of) that Santa Claus can meet Martians. After all, we
still respect John Carter and Barsoom -- why *not* let Santa Claus
meet the Martians? Even J.R.R. Tolkien wove fairy tales of Santa
Claus and his friend the Polar Bear constantly battling evil goblins
("The Father Christmas Letters"). Bringing Santa Claus to Mars is
hardly the worst thing to happen to the jolly old elf over the years.
People have also laughed at the earnest performance of Leonard Hicks
as Kimar, the "King Martian." He's the guy who takes his role so
seriously, you'd think he was acting in a Shakespeare drama (except
that he has to wear a helmet with antennae). Yet Kimar shows us that
if the other performers has approached the movie in the same manner
and put in some good performances, then even a storyline like this
might have become more enjoyable. After all, Rankin-Bass' "The Year
Without A Santa Claus" doesn't exactly have a believable storyline
either, yet it's still fondly remembered because its creators didn't
talk down to the audience...and the special effects were better.
Still, it's hard to suspend disbelief in the face of low budgets and
an uncaring attitude on the part of the producers. This hampers the
movie more than anything else (except maybe Dropo), and this above all
is what reveals the movie as the hack job it is: ultra-low-budget
sets, a performer in a polar bear costume, the silly Martian "nukular
curtain" force field with red and green light bulbs, some howlingly
bad lines of dialogue (Santa saying "I'm not tired - but my finger
is!") and a ridiculous, poorly-staged fight scene between Kimar and
Voldar that makes the viewer think, "Gad, *I* could do a better fight
scene than that!"
And then...there's Dropo. Dropo the idiot, Dropo the humorless comedy
relief, Dropo the laziest man on Mars. If there's one character who
makes SCCTM live up to its reputation as one of the worst movies of
all, it's Dropo. (The MST3K crew said "Dropo, you're the Gilligan of
your time!" -- and they were right.) When we first see Dropo, Kimar
is using a Martian wake-up wand (or something) to keep him from
falling asleep on the job again, and he gives us a "funny" burst of
hysterics that looks like a cross between an epileptic seizure and an
LSD overdose. And it goes downhill from there, especially during a
scene where he tries to put on weight to become Santa. He overacts
and gives stupid facial expressions, accompanied by treacly music that
even Mister Rogers would hate. Leonard Hicks may have rescued his
decency as the antenna-wearing, green-faced Kimar by committing
himself to the role and turning in a respectable performance, but Bill
McCutcheon's Dropo is someone you would want to stick a knife into,
because you know no jury would ever convict you. If SCCTM's quality
is destroyed by the ultra-low-budget sets, special effects, ridiculous
stock footage, and embarassing one-liners, then Dropo is the final
nail in its coffin.
So in spite of its reputation of being so bad, does "Santa Claus
Conquers the Martians" really belong in the movie junk pile? Hell,
yes! While it's not *quite* as bad as its legend portrays it, the
movie's bad points -- the special effects, the snore-inducing
direction, the stock footage, Dropo, and that godawful song by Milton
DeLugg -- ensure that the best way to see this movie is indeed to
check out the MST3K episode, which often skewers the movie itself
right to the core. (This may be why that particular episode is so
good!) The movie does try to give Santa the respect he deserves, but
then again so do many other, far better movies. With its aspirations
far lower than many other successful and not-so-successful low-budget
science fiction and horror movies of the era, "Santa Claus Conquers
the Martians" is richly deserving of its reputation as one of the
worst Christmas movies of all time.
Dedicated SubGenii are able to list at least a dozen bad movies that
can put this one to shame...and in most cases, they'll tell you that
the *only* good things about these movies are the fact that they gave
paychecks to some actors and actresses who needed the money, and they
gave audiences fodder for laughter. There are other Christmas movies
that can easily be roasted alongside SCCTM ("Silent Night, Deadly
Night" anyone?), but the legend and appeal of this one make it at a
Christmas classic that will be with us for many years to come.
Unfortunately.
--
First Online Church of "Bob"
http://www.modemac.com/
Correspondent:: "Paul E. Jamison" Date: Sun, 12 Dec 2004 19:37:40 -0600
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Thanks for the review, Modemac. I've got a copy of this in tape myself.
I think the producers made this stinker in response to the success of
another Santa Claus movie that made the kiddie matinee rounds for years, but
that one was a Mexican import. In fact, I wrote a review of that movie for
another site last year, and I may as well reprint it here.
In days of yore, movie theaters would have "kiddie matinees" on Saturdays.
Parents would drop their children off at the theater with enough money for
the discounted tickets and some snacks from the concession stand, and they'd
pick them up after the matinee was over. I doubt if very many theaters do
this nowadays, partly because we're not so trusting anymore, and partly
because movie tickets and snacks have gotten expensive. It's just not
"cost-effective" (and when did we start taking a phrase like that
seriously?). I also suspect that television had a lot to do with the demise
of the kiddie matinee, but that's neither here nor there.
Still, it seemed to be a good arrangement. Parents could get away from the
kids for a couple of hours - especially handy during the Christmas shopping
season - and the theater managers didn't seem to mind cleaning up the mess
that the little brats left behind.
I don't think the theaters cared much about getting quality product for the
matinees, on the theory that kids wouldn't care how bad a movie was - they'd
still watch it. Given the number of lousy actors out there with successful
film careers, there may be some validity to this, at least for adult
audiences. At any rate, if the kids do think a movie is bad, how many of
them will think to demand their money back?
So some film producers looked at the kiddie matinee and saw it as a
potentially profitable market. Toss in any cheap film you got that might
appeal to kids and you're set to rake in the dough. Which is just what K.
Gordon Murray did in the 60's. Murray was famous for buying cheap Mexican
horror films, such as the "Wrestling Women" and "Aztec Mummy" series,
dubbing them badly into English and selling them to American TV. Besides
aiming for the adult (I use the term loosely) market, he also blessed kiddie
matinees with bad Mexican movies about fairy tales. And with "Santa Claus",
which he released here in 1960.
I remember as a kid seeing promo ads on TV for this movie. They tried to
make it sound exciting (which is what TV ads are supposed to do), and I was
interested. But we were a low-income rural family, and my brother and I
rarely went to kiddie matinees. I don't remember making a fuss about this
one, and it may not have even occurred to me to ask about going. Whatever
the reason, I didn't see this movie as a kid; I wonder what I would have
thought of it if I had. It took years, my own income, and the home video
revolution before I did get to see it. I acquired my copy through a
wonderful company called Sinister Cinema. And, given the festive season, I
wanted to review "Santa Claus" for you.
"Santa Claus" takes place Christmas Eve, and shows jolly old Saint Nick (he
does laugh a lot) getting ready to go out and deliver toys to all the good
little boys and girls. In the movie, Santa, who looks like the traditional
red-suited, bearded Santa that Coca-Cola has given us, doesn't live at the
North Pole, but far away in a crystal castle on a cloud. (There are other
clouds nearby with other castles, but we're not told who lives in them.) And
his toys are built by children from all around the world. In a strange scene
at the beginning, as Santa plays an organ, we see these children, dressed in
traditional garb, doing a poor job of singing traditional songs and working
on various toys. The countries and regions of the world represented are:
Africa (the African kids have bones in their hair); Spain; China; England
(they're not even shown; we just hear someone singing "London Bridge is
Falling Down"); Japan; the Orient (India, perhaps); Russia; France; Germany;
Italy; the Caribbean; South America, specifically Brazil and Argentina;
Central America; the USA (a cowboy and cowgirl singing "Mary Had a Little
Lamb"); and, of course, Mexico. There is much about this arrangement that is
unsettling. It's made clear later on that these kids know little or nothing
about Earth. How did they end up with Santa? Surely he didn't kidnap them.
Santa has a special laboratory to keep tabs on the boys and girls on Earth.
There's a special telescope, a special listening device with very large red
lips (I remember these from the TV ads as a little child; I found them a bit
unnerving back then.), and a device to see children's dreams. Yes, it sounds
intrusive, but that's basically what Santa does, when you come right down to
it.
There are two children that Santa pays particular attention to. One is the
son of rich parents; he can get any toy he asks for, but what he really
wants is for his parents to be with him on Christmas Eve. They do love him,
but they tend to neglect him. The other child is a little girl named Lupita,
the daughter of poor parents; what she wants is a dolly of her own. The
scenes of Lupita's family get to you. Her Dad is unemployed, and her parents
have a haunted look about them, especially when Lupita talks about Santa
Claus visiting her. It's a shame that the girl playing Lupita can't show any
emotion at all.
We see Santa getting ready for his trip. From an old wizard named Merlin (a
terribly absent-minded old man in star-covered black robe and pointy hat),
he gets a supply of magic sleeping powder and a magic flower that will help
him to disappear. From the Master Keymaker (a hairy blacksmith), he gets a
magic key that will open any lock. Santa also uses a machine to reduce his
waistline, and he has several mockup chimneys to test his climbing
abilities. We also see children writing letters to Santa, and he ends up
showered with envelopes at one point; for some odd reason he finds this
worth laughing about (he laughs entirely too much in this film).
There are dark forces that want to stop Santa. Hades is shown as a fiery,
smoky cavern, and we first see several devils in an odd dance number.
Lucifer, the king of Hades, stops the dance and sends one devil, Pitch, to
Earth to coerce children into doing bad things and to stop Santa. Pitch is
all red, with large horns and a pair of very bad pointy ears that flop
whenever he moves around. The actor plays Pitch with broad, exaggerated
movements. This devil is more of a clown than a dangerous figure. So he goes
up to Earth, convinces three little boys to throw rocks at a store window
and lay a trap for Santa. Pitch also gives Lupita a bad dream, with several
human-size dolls moving around her in another odd dance number, mocking her
for being a good girl and telling her that she won't get her doll unless she
steals it.
When it comes time for Santa Claus to leave on his Christmas Eve run, we
find out that his sleigh is a giant toy and the reindeer need to be wound up
to work; I somehow suspect that the original filmmakers figured that real
reindeer were more trouble than they would be worth, and there was the
budget to worry about. More importantly, we find out that Santa has a time
limit. He can only travel to Earth on Christmas Eve, and if he's still there
when the sun rises, the mechanical reindeer will turn to dust and he'll be
trapped. Santa can't eat Earth food - he can only eat confections made from
clouds - so if he is trapped, he'll starve.
Santa goes to Earth to make his deliveries, and in general it goes well. The
only place where we see him working is Mexico City, which is to be expected.
The film was made in Mexico, after all. Santa crosses paths with Pitch a
couple of times, but nothing much comes of it. Pitch is not very effective
at what he does. Nothing comes of the three bad boys, either; all they end
up with are lumps of coal for presents.
Things change drastically when Pitch stows away on Santa's sleigh. He
manages to see that Santa loses his sleeping powder and disappearing flower.
At the next house, Pitch sets a guard dog on Santa, who has to climb a tree
to get away. After that, Pitch persuades the family that there's an assassin
in the back yard, and he arranges for calls to the police and fire
department. So Santa is trapped, he can't disappear or put people to sleep,
and it's a few minutes to dawn. If somebody doesn't do something, he'll be
exposed to the public eye and will eventually starve.
I won't spoil the details for you, but you can make a good guess. It's a
children's movie, so you can figure out that there's a happy ending, not
only for Santa, but for the rich kid and poor Lupita. And another
heart-warming Christmas movie comes to an end.
The acting in this movie is of course very bad, ranging from no acting from
many of the kids to overacting from the major players. The dubbing is
terrible, too. There are other things that I haven't mentioned, such as the
narrator, who displays no real emotion when he tells Santa to "Watch out!"
or Lupita not to steal because "stealing is wrong!" I figure the narrator
was added to try and punch up some of the drama; naturally it doesn't work.
Also of note is the music score, which relies heavily on the chorus of
"Jingle Bells". Indeed they play a couple of variations of this over and
over and over again. That is, when they're not playing "Silent Night" for
the emotional moments. Oh, yes, and the color of the print ("Filmed in
Eastmancolor!") is terribly washed out.
In short, I consider this to be a Christmas classic. I prize my copy, and
every year I either watch this, or "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians". (I
rarely watch both; I'm not sure that even I can stand a double dose like
that in a single holiday season.) I don't know why this movie isn't shown
every year on TV, like "It's A Wonderful Life" or "Miracle on 34th Street".
I'd recommend seeing "Santa Claus" at least once. You can find copies on
tape out there on the Internet. And when you watch it, remember that this
cheap little film had to have made the rounds of the kiddie matinees for
several years. Think of all those baby boomers who saw this and how it must
have corrupted their impressionable little minds. Aren't Christmas movies
great?
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey Date: Mon, 13 Dec 2004 02:51:56 GMT
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In article ,
"Paul E. Jamison" wrote:
> Thanks for the review, Modemac. I've got a copy of this in tape myself.
> I'd recommend seeing "Santa Claus" at least once. You can find copies on
> tape out there on the Internet. And when you watch it, remember that this
> cheap little film had to have made the rounds of the kiddie matinees for
> several years. Think of all those baby boomers who saw this and how it must
> have corrupted their impressionable little minds. Aren't Christmas movies
> great?
Oddly enough, I actually remember being polluted by this dark gem when
they still ran an afternoon movie in the pre-Cambrian, pre-Oprah era.
Like "The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T," it was a beautiful thing. It hastened
my inevitable distortion a bit, I am sure.
In a related, grotesque twist, I was in F-Mart the other day and saw an
Xmas shirt of the kid from the amusing "A Christmas Story", grinning
broadly, one lens of his glasses cracked, encircled by a wreath and the
words "YOU'LL PUT YOUR EYE OUT! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
Its a sick world and I'm sitting on a 2nd-hand office chair smack in
the middle of it.
--
HellPope Huey
Why is it so hot in here?...
Oh yeah. That stuff I did.
"Religion is kinda like nuclear power:
you split the atom this way, you get electricity;
you split it that way, you get an atomic bomb."
- Jon Stewart
"We get a something-falling from-the-sky memo every week.
We've put over 17,000 things in space
and remarkably,
not one person has been hit."
- "The West Wing"