Santa Curse: The Holiday Unhinging
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 16:41:29 GMT
--------
From the hideous brain vault.....
Good Lawd, I saw an Immodium commercial which infers that Santa Claus
has diarrhea and that he is likely to have a violent gastro-intestinal
accident in my chimney. Well isn't that just a GREAT ENDING to the year!
How is that supposed to entice me to buy this product? And what about
that little terrier pulling on Saint Nick's pants cuff? What happens to
HIM if Santa lets go suddenly? Why, he runs straight to YOUR BED and
rolls around, trying to get it off, of course. Its a dog thing. Bad
scene all the way around.
Besides, the old man is eating the whole night long; he's bound to run
across some tainted eggnog or a
spackling-based cookie and have some sort of bowel discomfort. I saw him
do a spot on the Cartoon Network where he just SLURPED down a half
gallon of milk and then jammed a buncha cookies in his mouth like some
snorting hog, while a horrified mother & daughter looked on. It was all
so degrading. I think he has an eating disorder and some sort of
repression going on.
And what's he doing out there in sub-zero temps, anyway? Its time for a
younger man to take over. Santa is a worn old knob and it just won't do
for him to stroke out and crash that rig into an elementary school or a
car dealership. Give him a decent pension, but fer godssakes get him out
of the air. He's going to blink at the wrong moment, get those reindeer
sucked into an Airbus and hundreds will die. Hark the herald lawsuits
sing.
Gee, if he's crapping in chimneys, are we going to take the hint in
time or what? I appreciate the giant robot he brought me back in 1962,
which is why I feel compelled to look out for him now. Let's not be
selfish about the season of giving; let's provide Santa with the rest he
so richly deserves. Besides, I want that sleigh so I can get to
Amsterdam more easily. Yes, its beginning to look a lot like
Hashoileken for Xistmas, ho ho HO! But mainly I just don't wanna have to
shinny up my chimney with a gas mask, a wire brush and a bottle of
Clorox. Bleach on Earth and good pills to men,
copacetic cakewalk, amen.
Talk about pursuits that make even God scratch His head.... A big old
Heinz-y dog used to chase our VW every time we left the house, so one
day my Luciferian mater screeches to a halt, leans out the window and
yells at the dog, "WELL, YA CAUGHT IT, YA STUPID SON OF A BITCH!! NOW
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH IT?!!" The dog, of course, just sits there
and cocks his head at the yowling of the insaniac woman. The
after-Christmas vapor lock can leave you in the same position as this
dog. At least Pupkins knew when he'd been had and didn't try to gnaw on
the bumper. That made him smarter than some of the people I have known,
including myself. Sometimes you want what you want
with such feriocity that by the time you get it, your Wanter is burned
to a crisp and all you can do is
stare at the object of your former desire. I don't always love having
perspective, but that which allows
you to apply better focus to the latest jihad of trumped-up have-tos is
a beautiful thing.
Don't assume that Christmas is the only time people prove that they're
thinking with their toenails,
either. I just scanned past Nickelodeon and there I saw a kid grinning
widely while smashing eggs on his head, one after another. And people
say *I* have some sort of mental disorder. I prefer my eggs shirred in
monkey brains. None of that Appalachian SQUIRREL stuff for ME, nuh unh.
I feel especially vulnerable during the holiday Tourette's-go-round. I
actually laughed at Adam
Sandler. Something about making an Oscar into a bong and DEAR GOD, I
LAUGHED AT IT, AAAIEEEE!!!! (shakes head) I knew I was messed up, but
geez.....I'm losing any sense of standards whatsoever.
If I laugh at Caroline Rhea, kill me. Kill me hard. There's still some
hope for me because I'd like to see
that quacky twit's butchered thighs hanging from a hook in some
fly-ridden Somalian market stall.
Remember how much you wanted to kill those ultra-happy, grinning gorks
in high school? I'd like
to kill one right now. Let off a little tension. Anyway, I guess almost
any laugh you get should be
appreciated, but to laugh at Adam Sandler... man, I just feel all dirty.
Post-holiday letdown, my rosy red fundament. You are a terminal fool,
which you have proven by dashing through the SNOW, leaving the poor
horse trapped in the wreckage of the sleigh to slowly freeze to death,
just so you can slurp from a bleeping GRAVY boat, which has already
developed a skin on top, guaranteeing that you will clumsily decorate
your Hamtaro action vest and MawMaw's nice linen tablecloth with the
aftermath of your ill-bred doofishness. What a dork! You're taking that
damned horse in your lunch until every tendon is GONE. Do you think my
brain is made of some super-high-tech heat shielding, a pure carbon
frontspiece capable of shrugging off 4000 degrees of B.S. like it was
just some bayou gnat?! You guys really press me to the wall with that
eye-popping
wankery, but it does serve a useful purpose; it makes me feel better
about my own failings. I would have just made burgers from the horse up
front and stayed home where it was warm. Besides, MawMaw's cooking
tastes like pelagra pudding.
Precious moments, wasted hours, pfui! Don't get me started. I didn't
WILLFULLY waste most of them. Hob dropped a huge slab of platinum on my
scrote long ago. I not only have the slab there, I can't move it so as
to go and SPEND it. A reverse Sisyphus scenario. I mailed out my gifts,
fought the crowds a little and said the Right Things to some folks who
deserved to hear it, so let me the breakdancin' Capone ALONE; I'm square
with the house. I FIST your narrow views and distant judgements. Then I
end it with a really great piano arppegio. Truly, I am the Henry Rollins
of the kazoo. Careful, watch your step; some folks are so far gone,
they'll play the macarena on yer ribs with stainless-steel ladles to
save 20% on a pair of anatomically-correct Laurel & Hardy cookie jars.
Not me, I'm a cuddly-bear. No, really.
I don't always practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of
person I'm preaching TO, but I also know the power and the pleasure of
being validated to Murgatroyd and back because I broke the Loop when I
was finally seen as not TRYING to preach, but simply to Get Across. When
you have no agenda and are able to get someone to see it, that's when
you move to the next level, where the real rewards begin to take shape.
Post-storm air always seems to be the cleanest, because the chaff and
crap have been washed away.
What does this unsane jabber have to do with Christmas, or anything
else? Not all that much. Its
just time for my pills. Hey, it has an internal logic you can crack, but
you'll have to take your OWN pills to manage it. Now I lay me down to
sleep, thank God for pills so I don't freak. So stuff yer holly bush,
resin-cast reindeer and mall psychosis. I care little for the
traditional holidays; I can make my own anytime. Merry Whatever-Ya-Got,
ayuh, that's the ticket. Gimme another one o' them Christmas
bacon-burgers, there, baby.
--
HellPope Huey
An explanation in 30 minutes or less
or its pointless anyway
Indifference and neglect
often do much more damage than outright dislike.
- "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix"
"Look alive, here comes a buzzard."
- Walt Kelly
Correspondent:: "Ellis Dee"
Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 14:48:49 -0500
--------
"HellPope Huey" wrote I saw an Immodium
commercial which infers that Santa Claus
> has diarrhea
Good thing he doesn't sit on *my* lap when I visit him at the department
store.
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 21:32:47 GMT
--------
In article <%Elwd.943$hJ6.396@fe08.lga>,
"Ellis Dee" wrote:
> "HellPope Huey" wrote
>> I saw an Immodium commercial which infers that Santa Claus
> > has diarrhea
>
> Good thing he doesn't sit on *my* lap when I visit him at the department
> store.
If he does, he should wear a Bush mask. SPLORP!! There you have it;
more digested food on your family.
--
HellPope Huey
An explanation in 30 minutes or less
or its pointless anyway
Indifference and neglect
often do much more damage than outright dislike.
- "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix"
"Look alive, here comes a buzzard."
- Walt Kelly
Correspondent:: A_Lizard
Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 15:00:08 -0800
--------
On Thu, 16 Dec 2004 14:48:49 -0500, Ellis Dee wrote:
>
> "HellPope Huey" wrote I saw an Immodium
> commercial which infers that Santa Claus
>> has diarrhea
>
> Good thing he doesn't sit on *my* lap when I visit him at the department
> store.
Don't people notice when he sits on your face?
A.Lizard
--
Regular readers will know that we have been taking a close interest
in homosexuality among farmyard animals - specifically ovine and bovine
lesbianism. - Lester Haines, The Register
Correspondent:: "Kristian Lahdensuo"
Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 23:47:39 +0200
--------
I read Satan curse. Could there be a connection with Santa and Satan?
Correspondent:: Zapanaz
Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 13:57:10 -0800
--------
On Fri, 17 Dec 2004 23:47:39 +0200, "Kristian Lahdensuo"
wrote:
>
>I read Satan curse. Could there be a connection with Santa and Satan?
>
Well that's just nuts. Satan dresses in red, watches you day and
night, and rewards you if you sign a contract with him. Santa dresses
in red, watches you day and night, and rewards you if you send him a
signed list. Don't be paranoid. No resemblence.
--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/
"Hell is ... other people"
- Sartre
Correspondent:: "Kristian Lahdensuo"
Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 14:29:05 +0200
--------
"Zapanaz" kirjoitti
viestissä:jhl6s01jb4maj4is223fscabrdmca3t1e8@4ax.com...
> On Fri, 17 Dec 2004 23:47:39 +0200, "Kristian Lahdensuo"
> wrote:
>
>>
>>I read Satan curse. Could there be a connection with Santa and Satan?
>>
>
> Well that's just nuts. Satan dresses in red, watches you day and
> night, and rewards you if you sign a contract with him. Santa dresses
> in red, watches you day and night, and rewards you if you send him a
> signed list. Don't be paranoid. No resemblence.
Satan is a fucking pig!
Santa ate it.
Correspondent:: El Caballo Grande
Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 12:23:01 GMT
--------
HellPope Huey wrote:
> From the hideous brain vault.....
>
> Good Lawd, I saw an Immodium commercial which infers
You inferred.
The commercial implied.
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 17:22:41 GMT
--------
In article ,
El Caballo Grande wrote:
> HellPope Huey wrote:
> > From the hideous brain vault.....
> >
> > Good Lawd, I saw an Immodium commercial which infers
>
> You inferred.
> The commercial implied.
After which I deposited something truly revolting in your left shoe
while you were asleep.
How DARE you interfere with my literary posturing and sully it with
points of style??? The worst part is, you are correct. FUCK you, sir.
--
HellPope Huey
I pissed right into the bottled city of Kandor
Hey, even Kryptonian flowers need nitrogen.
"Its disheartening to know that you live
in a country that's just teeming
with semi-literate, mediocre psychos."
- Henry Rollins
"Sometimes its like you're two different people."
"Well, that's three less than I used to be."
- "Stark Raving Mad"
Correspondent:: Ronan the Waiter
Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 15:26:11 -0500
--------
El Caballo Grande wrote:
>
>
> HellPope Huey wrote:
>
>> From the hideous brain vault.....
>>
>> Good Lawd, I saw an Immodium commercial which infers
>
... you're low. instead of replying to you i am tempted to reply to a
'pammy' post. that;s abt as low as it gets on this side of the pond.
b
--
... this is my sig. it's one of the best
sigs on the net.i know what you're asking
yourself. 'did he post 5 or 6 messages'?
well, in all the confusion i kinda lost
track myself. so you gotta ask yourself
one question 'do you feel lucky'? huh,
DO YA? DO YA PUNK'? GO FOR IT, MAKE MY BED!!!'
Correspondent:: endus
Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 18:44:48 -0500
--------
On Thu, 16 Dec 2004 16:41:29 GMT, HellPope Huey
wrote:
>
> From the hideous brain vault.....
Stuff like this is why I subscribed to alt.slack. Awesome.
--
endus at endus dot com
The hippies are a menace in the form of an anachronism,
a noisy reminder of values gone sour and warped...of the
painful contradictions in a society conceived as a monument
to "human freedom" and "individual rights," a nation in
which all men are supposedly "created free and equal"...a
nation that any thinking hippy will insist has become a
fear-oriented "warfare state" that can no longer afford
to tolerate even the minor aberrations that go along
with "individual freedom". -Hunter S. Thompson
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 04:17:30 GMT
--------
In article <2uoes0d2qa27dq28h94o25a3s5qs6pu1je@4ax.com>,
endus wrote:
> On Thu, 16 Dec 2004 16:41:29 GMT, HellPope Huey
> wrote:
> >
> > From the hideous brain vault.....
>
> Stuff like this is why I subscribed to alt.slack. Awesome.
Stuff like this is why I have to POST it or I would burst and my vitals
would go flying across the sky like reindeer diarrhea.
--
HellPope Huey
Welcome to a universe of chances
to learn from your old stumblings
and maybe yet do The Funky Phoenix
Some say that knowledge is something you can never have
Some say is something set up in your lap
Some say that knowledge is ha ha ho
Some say that Heaven is Hell
Some say that Hell is Heaven
I must admit
just when I think I'm King
Just when I think everything is going great
I just begin
- Kate Bush
"They all come from good families,
but over the years,
they just kinda individually developed
some ways about 'em that just ain't right."
- Tom Waits