The truth about Santa Dobbs

Correspondent:: "Eugene Beep-Beep"
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 02:37:36 -0500

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SANTA "DOBBS" CLAUS: "AN ENGINEER'S PERSPECTIVE"

1) There are approximately two billion children
(persons under 18) in the world, however since
Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the
workload for Christmas night to 15% of the
total, or 378 million (according to the population
reference bureau). At an average (census) rate
of 3.5 children per household, that comes to
108 million homes, presuming that there is at
least one good child in each.

2) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work
with, thanks to the different time zones and
the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
east to west(which seems logical). This works
out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say,
that for every Christian household with a
good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second
to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left for him, get back up the
chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the
next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million
stops is evenly distributed around the earth
(which of course, we know to be false, but will accept
for the purpose of our calculations). We are talking
about 1.25 Km per household, a total of 120.8 million
Km, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.
This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 1040 Km
per second........3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
43.8 Km per second, and a conventional reindeer
can run (at best) 25 Km per hour.

3) The pay load of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium
Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand
tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional
reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds, even granting
that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal
amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine
of them......Santa would need 360,000 of them.
This increases the payload, not counting the weight
of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven
times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

4) 600,000 tons traveling at 1040 Km per second
creates enormous air resistance....this would heat up
the lead reindeer in the same fashion as a Space
Shuttle re-entering the earth's atmosphere from orbit.
The lead pair of reindeer would absorb approx.
14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. (!!)

In short, they would burst into flames almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them
to deafening sonic booms and flaming atomic plasma
debris in their wake. The entire reindeer team would
soon be vaporised (within 4.26 thousandths of a second)
or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result
of accelerating from a dead stop to 1040 k p s
in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal
forces of 17,500 G's. A 250 pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the
back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force,
instantly crushing his bones and organs to a near singularity
and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo upon stopping.

5) Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's quite dead now.

Correspondent:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 24 Dec 2004 00:02:52 -0800

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Yeah, my uncle sent me that E-Mail for the past three years, now. He
thinks trite observations like that are funny too. Thanks for sharing
your forwarded crap to us, that was cool of you, to be unoriginal like
that and act like you wrote it, I'm totally interested.

(I'm sorry, my gal dumped me today, so I'm taking out my agression on
you. But nevertheless...fuck you, hack.)

Correspondent:: HdMrs. Salacia the Overseer
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 02:25:34 -0600

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On 24 Dec 2004 00:02:52 -0800, "Paul Casino"
wrote:

>Yeah, my uncle sent me that E-Mail for the past three years, now. He
>thinks trite observations like that are funny too. Thanks for sharing
>your forwarded crap to us, that was cool of you, to be unoriginal like
>that and act like you wrote it, I'm totally interested.
>
>(I'm sorry, my gal dumped me today, so I'm taking out my agression on
>you. But nevertheless...fuck you, hack.)

Oh Fuck! Sorry about that girlfriend comment earlier. I didn't know. I
have an uncanny ability to always say the worst possible thing at
these kinds of moments.

Which means I am the ideal person to eulogize nenslo when his time
comes in 2075. Better make a tape.

She's a bitch anyway. You're better off.

Correspondent:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 24 Dec 2004 04:44:02 -0800

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'Sall good, baby. I'm one of the few people in the world who DON'T
deserve to be fucked, because it just so happens that I CAN take a
joke.

If I would have taken offense, you know my retaliation would have been
swift and involved comments about your imediate family and what I'm
gonna do to them with this big chunk of cinder block that I found.

And I just want to say that I just noticed something kind of neat about
what you just said. See, I still care about her a lot, so your last
statement (her being a bitch) just proved your first sentence to be
100% correct (saying wrong thing at wrong time). According to the
scoresheet, that's yer second strike! You want to make it up to me? I
live in State College, PA, see if you know anyone over here who can
hook me up with a cheap blowjob and we'll call it even.

Correspondent:: HdMrs. Salacia the Overseer
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 08:05:53 -0600

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On 24 Dec 2004 04:44:02 -0800, "Paul Casino"
wrote:

>And I just want to say that I just noticed something kind of neat about
>what you just said. See, I still care about her a lot, so your last
>statement (her being a bitch) just proved your first sentence to be
>100% correct (saying wrong thing at wrong time). According to the
>scoresheet, that's yer second strike! You want to make it up to me? I
>live in State College, PA, see if you know anyone over here who can
>hook me up with a cheap blowjob and we'll call it even.

Were you wearing that big gold chain with the huge dollar sign on it
in the hot tub at Brushwood this summer?

Salacia

Correspondent:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 24 Dec 2004 07:16:51 -0800

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No, that was not me. I didn't even go to X-Day this year, my ride
bailed on me.

Correspondent:: cmiller@mozuna.com (Lamus)
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 19:33:35 -0600

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On December 24 2004, "Paul Casino" wrote:
> (I'm sorry, my gal dumped me today, so I'm taking out my agression on
> you. But nevertheless...fuck you, hack.)

Dude! I got dumped for Thanksgiving! Let's form a club!!

Correspondent:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 24 Dec 2004 18:51:14 -0800

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>Dude! I got dumped for Thanksgiving! Let's form a club!!

...no. No, let's not. But it was a good idea...
(coughs into hand)

I have to go now...

(walks away, shaking head.)

Correspondent:: "Rev. 11D Meow!"
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 22:01:20 -0800

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She Must Be Really HOT!

If you're shaking your head after her treats and all.

"Paul Casino" wrote in message
news:1103943074.864484.242550@c13g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
> >Dude! I got dumped for Thanksgiving! Let's form a club!!
>
> ...no. No, let's not. But it was a good idea...
> (coughs into hand)
>
> I have to go now...
>
> (walks away, shaking head.)
>

Correspondent:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 24 Dec 2004 00:02:52 -0800

Correspondent:: "Eugene Beep-Beep"
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 10:40:51 -0500

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"Paul Casino" wrote in message
news:1103875372.922726.39570@c13g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
> Yeah, my uncle sent me that E-Mail for the past three years, now. He
> thinks trite observations like that are funny too. Thanks for sharing
> your forwarded crap to us, that was cool of you, to be unoriginal like
> that and act like you wrote it, I'm totally interested.
>
> (I'm sorry, my gal dumped me today, so I'm taking out my agression on
> you. But nevertheless...fuck you, hack.)

That's OK. I mean, it's better than strapping yourself up
with 30+ pounds of plastique and visiting a crowded shopping
mall with eyes on 29 virgins afterwards, which, while I would
somewhat not prefer to see happen, would still provide much
enjoyable video-replay wank material of the aftermath of
saidsame hypothetical scenario.

Correspondent:: Zapanaz
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 10:54:44 -0800

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On 24 Dec 2004 00:02:52 -0800, "Paul Casino"
wrote:

>Yeah, my uncle sent me that E-Mail for the past three years, now. He
>thinks trite observations like that are funny too. Thanks for sharing
>your forwarded crap to us, that was cool of you, to be unoriginal like
>that and act like you wrote it, I'm totally interested.
>
>(I'm sorry, my gal dumped me today, so I'm taking out my agression on
>you. But nevertheless...fuck you, hack.)

http://www.toxin.org/cgi-bin/hugs.cgi?HUGS=yes&hug=Nenslo

give nenslo a hug, you'll feel better.

and no, there isn't a "kick nenslo in the nuts" link.

--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/
If God dropped acid, would he see people?

- kate

Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 05:36:10 GMT

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In article ,
Zapanaz wrote:

> and no, there isn't a "kick nenslo in the nuts" link.

If there was, a lot of people would have the main .gif up as a screen
saver.

--

HellPope Huey
That's one hell of a pickle,
Connie said to the beefy butcher.

"Who's that?"
"Oh, you wouldn't know them darling;
they're respectable."
- "After the Thin Man"

"How DARE you interfere with my literary posturing
and sully it with points of style???
The worst part is, you are correct. F**K you, sir."
- H. P. Huey