more about me by me than there ever was before
Correspondent:: asscoassc@aol.comBLOWME (AssCo Assc)
Date: 13 Dec 2004 16:58:06 GMT
--------
The personal ad thread made me wonder what
MY personal ad might look like and who the hell
would ever answer to something that looked like this:
I like to sleep as often as I can to escape into the world of dreams and flee
the boredom of reality. When dreams mirror reality, I wake up on the wrong side
of the bed and stay that way for the entire day. I drink good beer with
enthusiasm and gusto, my favorites are Old Speckled Hen and Guinness stout . I
tend to become ill on the slightest pretext. I dream of travelling alone and
passing myself off as a Moroccan spy. I always wash my hands after urinating or
passing feces and tend to flood the bathroom every time I take a shower. I once
passsed the opportunity to carnally reunite with a lost love to spend two weeks
in the desert in search of some elusive truth; near where they film the
commercials for Marlborough cigarettes, Jeep Wranglers, and around where Thelma
and Louise drove their car over a cliff. There I help build an outhouse for a
Navajo medicine woman. I would put my arms around nearly any flealess and
willing female without regard to the consequences. I've written many letters
but have managed to send few of them because I have a phobia regarding visits
to the post office: just thinking about stamps brings the hallucinatory
aftertaste of stamp-glue to my tongue. I hate babies and children. I suffer
poor circulation of the feet in winter. I shave my testicles once a month. I
was once profoundly interested in ancient history. I am intrigued by all forms
of mechanical magic and every advancement of technology. I play several
musical instruments, all ineptly. I find the colour blue offensive. I light
cigarettes from candle-flames, burning logs and small bonfires. I hate zoos
because they are jails for creatures who have comitted no crime. I enjoy
signing my name to any document for the sheer excitement of seeing my own
signature appear under my hand, this has contributed to my problem of excessive
debt. I tend to doodle small demons on napkins and notepaper. I procrastinate
until it is too late and tend to sabotage myself in other ways as a test of my
own mettle. I like Jimi Hendrix, and saw Stevie Ray Vaughn in concert seven
times. I believe that Vermeer was actually a woman and that the Woman in the
Red Hat and Woman witha Pearl Earring were self-portraits. I eat ice cream
despite the fact that I am lactose intolerant, this invariably produces loud
shitting and excessive farts. I go to sleep with the radio or television on. I
hate washing plastic cups, bowls and other plastic containers. I once tried to
commit suicide by holding my breath and believe I may have been successful if
someone had not knocked on my door. I enjoy the company of schizophrenics,
homosexuals and cats. I like licorice, especially the Dutch kind that tastes
like nothing that ought to be enjoyed by anyone on earth. I have been known to
open packages, and trim both wire & my own toenails with my teeth. My teeth are
badly chipped because of this and stained from a constant influx of cigarette
smoke and coffee. I enjoy my Dutch-Saxon ancestry because Netherlanders are so
tolerant. My favorite Dutch newspapers are the Volkskrant and the Telegraf. I
am excited by theories of sympathetic magic because I believe that cauliflower
is actually good for the brain and oysters are beneficial to the production of
testosterone. I believe that modern varieties of neopaganism should invent gods
for every element in the periodic table. I believe that breakfast the most
important meal of the day: crunchy sprouted-grain toast slathered with butter,
hot runny eggs with liberal sprinklings of crushed pepper, moist buckwheat
pancakes with maple syrup and fruit confits, hot oatmeal with bananas, raisins,
honey, pecans and shredded wheat; strong coffee with heavy cream and honey or
brown sugar. I admire small and black-haired women, tall blond ones and portly
redheads. I hate snow but choose to live in a snowy climate. I want to be
cremated, not buried, because excarnation is prohibited in North America. I
know that the greatest mistakes of my life have already been made. I once
played a game of Trivial Pursuit with an ax-murderer, a fellow who bashed his
father's head in with a 2x4'' and a fellow with a plate on his head who liked
to pound on the plate to hear the hollow sound: I let them win. Crude humor
makes me laugh. I smoke heavily to surround myself in a grey white haze that
repels the company of overly-sensitive types. I enjoy cucumber and tomato
sandwiches with cucumber sliced very finely and the tomato laden with fresh
mayonaise. I eat rare beef and well-done pork. I've queried Pythagoras, Plato
and the Pre-Socratics. I love seaside amusements: boardwalks, tattoo parlors,
games of chance, dunk the clown, shoot the star, dart the balloon, cold beer,
salty air, steamed clams with hot-sauce and ski-ball. I've read the entire New
Testament except for the stuff by Paul and am vexed by the contradictions
therein. I believe that religion is a byproduct of political propaganda but am
fond and intrigued by the tenets and mythos of Zoroastrianism. My favorite
favorite Old Testament books are Ecclesiastes and the Song of Solomon. I enjoy
pouring over maps of places I may never see and would be immediately oriented
if dropped off in the center of Tokyo, Kuala Lumpur or Baghdad. I've burnt all
my bridges. I would enjoy more X-rated films if X-rated films didn't tend to
debase women and put the performers at risk of viral infection. I need to
retain the ability to flee at any moment, otherwise I am unhappy and insecure.
I even once kept dogfood in my car in case I had to make a quick escape with my
canine companion.
[perhaps to be continued]
ooOOoo
It petrifies the tongue. . .
Shoots arrows through the lung. . .
Guttural rending pain . . .
. . . and next it Sclerotifies the brain
-- Copyright 2004 Ilya Shambat
Correspondent:: Zapanaz
Date: Mon, 13 Dec 2004 10:07:31 -0800
--------
On 13 Dec 2004 16:58:06 GMT, asscoassc@aol.comBLOWME (AssCo Assc)
wrote:
>[perhaps to be continued]
that was pretty good
--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/
Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence
by means of language.
- Ludwig Wittgenstein
Correspondent:: Baldin Pramer
Date: Tue, 14 Dec 2004 00:09:07 -0700
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AssCo Assc wrote:
> The personal ad thread made me wonder what
> MY personal ad might look like and who the hell
> would ever answer to something that looked like this:
The scary thing is that you are telling the truth. Stop it.
--
Sir Baldin Pramer, R.P.A.
Correspondent:: HdMrs. Salacia the Overseer
Date: Tue, 14 Dec 2004 06:37:20 -0600
--------
On Tue, 14 Dec 2004 00:09:07 -0700, Baldin Pramer
wrote:
>AssCo Assc wrote:
>
>> The personal ad thread made me wonder what
>> MY personal ad might look like and who the hell
>> would ever answer to something that looked like this:
>
>The scary thing is that you are telling the truth. Stop it.
Truth should be reserved for video dating. IMHO
Salacia
Peace On Earth
So the party MUST be on Mars