Cat Guide To Life
Correspondent:: John Starrett
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 11:02:43 -0700
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Cat Guide To Life
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is
not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an ‘outside’ door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This
is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If
you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure
you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called ‘helping,’
otherwise known as ‘hampering.’
Following are the rules for ‘hampering’:
* When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on
and then picked up and comforted.
* For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
unless you can lie across the book itself.
* For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze,
but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
* For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards,
keep in mind the aim: to hamper first, sit on the paper being worked on.
When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity
proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best
of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens,
pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
* When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
* When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human’s lap
across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in
front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in
their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. All
these will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter
out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter
between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot
find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any
circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love)
thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the
humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a
treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love
this, so do it often. And don’t forget guests.
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 02:37:38 GMT
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This is why my favorite episode of "The Crocodile Hunter" is the one
where they fed the crocs from a burlap sack filled with cats.
--
HellPope Huey
Part of being HellPope
is that you have to spend
too much time at the office.
It is hard to be strong and not rash.
- Japanese Proverb
[from H.L. Mencken's Dictionary]
"I hear music in my head all the time.
Sometimes it makes my brain throb
and the room starts to turn.
I feel I'm going mad.
With this music, we will paint pictures
of earth and space
so that the listener can be taken somewhere.
It's going to be something
that will open up a new sense in people's minds.
- Jimi Hendrix
Correspondent:: nenslo
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 18:51:13 -0800
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John Starrett wrote:
>
> Cat Guide To Life
I can cope with your antisemitism, but this blatant speciesism is vile,
offensive and WRONG. You are a PINK with pink ideas and you don't
belong here.
Correspondent:: Baldin Pramer
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 20:19:56 -0700
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nenslo wrote:
> John Starrett wrote:
>
>>Cat Guide To Life
>
>
> I can cope with your antisemitism, but this blatant speciesism is vile,
> offensive and WRONG. You are a PINK with pink ideas and you don't
> belong here.
Starrett is so pink that he has the "Love Is..." imps tattooed on his
ass cheeks.
He is so pink that his business cards read "World's Greatest Dad"
He is so pink that his only slack is Farrah 45-32.
--
Sir Baldin Pramer, R.P.A.