The Mysterious Fiver
Correspondent:: nenslo
Date: Sun, 13 Feb 2005 15:33:45 -0800

--------

I ride my bike to the health club three times a week. After I have
sauna shave and showered I get on my bike and continue on to the Seventh
Day Adventist thrift store. This makes a round trip of about nine and a
half miles and keeps me satisfied with my general physical condition, as
well as augmenting our diet. It does the latter because the thrift
store gets outdated bread products from many local stores and keeps a
free bread rack right by the front door so I don't even have to pretend
to shop, I can just hop off my bike, grab a couple of sourdough boules
or some organic whole grain sunflower seed loaves or various artisan
breads or whatnot, unfold a basket on my bike (I have one folding basket
on either side of the rear wheel) drop the bread in and zip off.
HOWEVER, they had on their reader board a few weeks ago MEN'S PANTS ONE
DOLLAR, (My second favorite thrift store sign after WOMEN'S CLOTHES HALF
OFF - get it? pretty good, huh?) so I went in and made an extra effort
and one of the pairs I ended up buying was a pair of waterproof pants
which comes in handy for a bicyclist around here believe me.

These pants have the four standard front and back hip pockets, which
seal COMPLETELY with velcro, making them kind of hard to get into, and
cargo pockets on the outer thighs which seal with only two spots of
velcro, making them much easier to get into. I don't usually like to
put my wallet into a cargo pocket but the tendency of the hip pockets to
reseal while your damn hand is still in there made it a positive option.
They look like somebody bought them because they thought they would
really be useful and would make them do something they wouldn't normally
do just because they had waterproof pants now, like ride their bike in
the rain, but never used them even once. Me, I already ride my bike in
the rain, and I have a rain suit but rain suits cease to be useful once
you are not being rained on and then begin to have drawbacks such as
noise, rubberiness, sweating, etc. which make you want to get out of
them as fast as possible.

So I had worn these pants a couple of times and used the right cargo
pocket for my wallet, coin purse and keys, taking them out and putting
them in the usual number of times people do such things while grocery
shopping by bike. BUT! I had gone to the Fred Meyer store to get some
stuff to make pizza with and got a 16 ounce mozzarella cheese ball, the
Kroger brand (Kroger had purchased the Fred Meyer chain some time ago)
on the strength of a shelf tag indicating that it was on sale for $2.99.
When I was about a block away I started thinking my total seemed
awfully high, so I looked at the receipt which I had put in my bag - I
use a canvas tote bag to avoid bringing a lot of extra bags into the
house - and I saw that the cheese was a shocking $4.99!!!!!!!!.

Needless to say, and yet I shall, I turned right around and went back in
there and found the actual sale cheese which was the 16 oz. BLOCK of
mozzarella about a FOOT AWAY from the shelf tag, not the BALL of it
which was right next to the tag. I took it to the gal who oversees the
self-checkout area, which if you haven't seen them yet, are places where
you can scan, bag and pay for your own items, and this gal knows me
because I always have her give me the five cent bag refund for using my
own bag so she helped me with exchanging the one cheese for the other.
She thought it was funny as hell when I said the two dollar difference
was due to them being shaped different and said I was really on the
ball for catching that two dollar difference. I took the new cheese and
the receipt and put them in the bag, and the two dollars refunded and
put them in my wallet, and went home. Turns out that Kroger brand
cheese was way greasier than the Western Family brand which I usually
get at the Food 4 Less store. The pizza was still good though. Pesto,
grated zucchini, chopped spinach and sautéed mushrooms.

When I got home and had unloaded the goods and went upstairs to unload
pockets and change pants I pulled my wallet out of the cargo pocket and
there in my hand on the OUTSIDE of the wallet was a five dollar bill,
folded twice in a way I never fold money. I usually just fold it in
half once and don't fold it again like this one was folded. I don't
know where this fiver came from, I wasn't short any money and don't see
how I could have picked it up by accident. And that's why I call it the
Mysterious Fiver. Because of the Mysteriousness of it.

The End.


Correspondent:: "Doktor Dark"
Date: 13 Feb 2005 19:46:04 -0800

--------
That's a sign. You should send it to Ivan immediately.



Correspondent:: "«BONEHEAD>>"
Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 07:38:28 GMT

--------

"Doktor Dark" wrote in message
news:1108352764.635071.180600@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
> That's a sign. You should send it to Ivan immediately.

or buy 3 40's of Colt .45 and then try to ride your bike...
I bet a bunch of other mysterious shit will happen as well...

or maybe 1 40 of Colt .45 and some more of that cheap, greasy Cheese...
that at least gives you the chance to flirt with the counter chick again...


--

"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious." Albert Einstein





Correspondent:: nenslo
Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 14:52:11 -0800

--------
"«BONEHEAD>>" wrote:
>
> "Doktor Dark" wrote in message
> news:1108352764.635071.180600@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
> > That's a sign. You should send it to Ivan immediately.
>
> or buy 3 40's of Colt .45 and then try to ride your bike...
> I bet a bunch of other mysterious shit will happen as well...
>
> or maybe 1 40 of Colt .45 and some more of that cheap, greasy Cheese...
> that at least gives you the chance to flirt with the counter chick again...
>
>

I bought a couple of pounds of Amaranth and some bulk baking powder.


Correspondent:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 12:48:38 -0500

--------
In article <1108352764.635071.180600@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>,
Doktor Dark wrote:

> That's a sign. You should send it to Ivan immediately.
>


I'm afraid you treed the wrong coon for THAT hunt.

--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB


Correspondent:: König Prüß, GfbAEV
Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 15:59:55 GMT

--------
nenslo wrote:

>
>When I got home and had unloaded the goods and went upstairs to unload
>pockets and change pants I pulled my wallet out of the cargo pocket and
>there in my hand on the OUTSIDE of the wallet was a five dollar bill,
>folded twice in a way I never fold money. I usually just fold it in
>half once and don't fold it again like this one was folded. I don't
>know where this fiver came from, I wasn't short any money and don't see
>how I could have picked it up by accident. And that's why I call it the
>Mysterious Fiver. Because of the Mysteriousness of it.

Nenslo dug around through all his pockets and produced $5.00.
He went to the corner market, laid out the cash and asked for as
much cheap wine as he could get. The clerk handed him 2 bottles
and Nenslo departed. He went down the alley, downed both bottles,
and passed out.

A little while later a homosexual, depressed from a night of rejection,
wandered down the same alley. He saw Nenslo, thought about it,
and decided he would have his way after all. However, upon finishing
the deed, he felt really guilty. He checked and only had $10.00,
so he put it in the Nenslo's coat.

The next night, Nenslo discovers the $10.00, walks into the corner
store and asks for as much wine as he could get. The clerk hands
over 4 bottles which Nenslo then takes down the alley, consumes,
and passes out.

Sure enough, the same homosexual passes through the alley.
This time, however, he is with 9 of his gay friends. Upon seeing
Nenslo, he confesses the previous night's deed. His friends are
intrigued, so as a group, they take their turns with Nenslo. And like
the night before, each one leaves $10.00 for Nenslo.

The next day Nenslo finds the $100.00 and goes into the
corner store. He asks the clerk for 2 bottles of the nicest
wine that his $100.00 could get him. The astonished clerk
replies that for $100.00, he could get 40 bottles of the
cheap stuff. Nenslo says, "Naw, give me the good stuff,
that cheap shit is tearing my ass up!"





Correspondent:: "Rev. Richard Skull"
Date: 14 Feb 2005 12:08:06 -0800

--------
Check the Serial Number?

13013?

999?

666?

Issued by the Federal Reserve Bank in Dobbstown?

Just to be save send it to me for careful study. It might contain evil
spirits and have to be distroyed.



Correspondent:: Zapanaz
Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 15:24:27 -0800

--------
On Sun, 13 Feb 2005 15:33:45 -0800, nenslo wrote:

>
>I ride my bike to the health club three times a week. After I have
>sauna shave and showered I get on my bike and continue on to the Seventh
>Day Adventist thrift store. This makes a round trip of about nine and a
>half miles and keeps me satisfied with my general physical condition, as
>well as augmenting our diet. It does the latter because the thrift
>store gets outdated bread products from many local stores and keeps a
>free bread rack right by the front door so I don't even have to pretend
>to shop, I can just hop off my bike, grab a couple of sourdough boules
>or some organic whole grain sunflower seed loaves or various artisan
>breads or whatnot, unfold a basket on my bike (I have one folding basket
>on either side of the rear wheel) drop the bread in and zip off.
>HOWEVER, they had on their reader board a few weeks ago MEN'S PANTS ONE
>DOLLAR, (My second favorite thrift store sign after WOMEN'S CLOTHES HALF
>OFF - get it? pretty good, huh?) so I went in and made an extra effort
>and one of the pairs I ended up buying was a pair of waterproof pants
>which comes in handy for a bicyclist around here believe me.
>
>These pants have the four standard front and back hip pockets, which
>seal COMPLETELY with velcro, making them kind of hard to get into, and
>cargo pockets on the outer thighs which seal with only two spots of
>velcro, making them much easier to get into. I don't usually like to
>put my wallet into a cargo pocket but the tendency of the hip pockets to
>reseal while your damn hand is still in there made it a positive option.
> They look like somebody bought them because they thought they would
>really be useful and would make them do something they wouldn't normally
>do just because they had waterproof pants now, like ride their bike in
>the rain, but never used them even once. Me, I already ride my bike in
>the rain, and I have a rain suit but rain suits cease to be useful once
>you are not being rained on and then begin to have drawbacks such as
>noise, rubberiness, sweating, etc. which make you want to get out of
>them as fast as possible.
>
>So I had worn these pants a couple of times and used the right cargo
>pocket for my wallet, coin purse and keys, taking them out and putting
>them in the usual number of times people do such things while grocery
>shopping by bike. BUT! I had gone to the Fred Meyer store to get some
>stuff to make pizza with and got a 16 ounce mozzarella cheese ball, the
>Kroger brand (Kroger had purchased the Fred Meyer chain some time ago)
>on the strength of a shelf tag indicating that it was on sale for $2.99.
> When I was about a block away I started thinking my total seemed
>awfully high, so I looked at the receipt which I had put in my bag - I
>use a canvas tote bag to avoid bringing a lot of extra bags into the
>house - and I saw that the cheese was a shocking $4.99!!!!!!!!.
>
>Needless to say, and yet I shall, I turned right around and went back in
>there and found the actual sale cheese which was the 16 oz. BLOCK of
>mozzarella about a FOOT AWAY from the shelf tag, not the BALL of it
>which was right next to the tag. I took it to the gal who oversees the
>self-checkout area, which if you haven't seen them yet, are places where
>you can scan, bag and pay for your own items, and this gal knows me
>because I always have her give me the five cent bag refund for using my
>own bag so she helped me with exchanging the one cheese for the other.
>She thought it was funny as hell when I said the two dollar difference
>was due to them being shaped different and said I was really on the
>ball for catching that two dollar difference. I took the new cheese and
>the receipt and put them in the bag, and the two dollars refunded and
>put them in my wallet, and went home. Turns out that Kroger brand
>cheese was way greasier than the Western Family brand which I usually
>get at the Food 4 Less store. The pizza was still good though. Pesto,
>grated zucchini, chopped spinach and sautéed mushrooms.
>
>When I got home and had unloaded the goods and went upstairs to unload
>pockets and change pants I pulled my wallet out of the cargo pocket and
>there in my hand on the OUTSIDE of the wallet was a five dollar bill,
>folded twice in a way I never fold money. I usually just fold it in
>half once and don't fold it again like this one was folded. I don't
>know where this fiver came from, I wasn't short any money and don't see
>how I could have picked it up by accident. And that's why I call it the
>Mysterious Fiver. Because of the Mysteriousness of it.
>
>The End.

you sure wrote that one, all right.

--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/
You can turn your back on a person, but, never turn your back on a drug.
Especially when it's waving a razor-sharp hunting knife in your eye.
- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson