When Dinosaurs Attack Boredom! (Dr. Hal)
Correspondent:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 08:12:29 -0500
--------
A MESSAGE FROM DR. HAL Volume IV, No.
4
February 16th, 2005
"Ask Dr. Hal" Presents:
"When Dinosaurs Attack Boredom!"
Part II of K-Rob's Edit showing the Domestic Pastimes of the
Wall-Dwelling Saurians
THE DR. HAL REPORT
C O N T E N T S :
ON THE BILL: K-ROB DINOSAUR MOMENT FROM WITHIN DISGRACED ONCE & FUTURE
CHILDREN'S SHOW HOST'S WAINSCOTING: DOMESTIC MOMENTS OF THE SAURIAN
FAMILY - SOCIAL NOTES: TOSHIO TRIUMPHS; GOLDIE'S SPACE(D) PROBE;
CAPURRO GLOMS MORE FREE FERNET WHILE CHICKEN GRINDS TEETH; ABOARD THE
BOWLING BUS; NICE PANTS TO PLAY AGAIN; KATY BELL RECEIVES ANODYNE,
RECOVERS FROM ITCHY TORTURE; PON-A-DOUR MAN WITH A PLAN; ANYTHING GOES
IN HEINEY HOT TUB; LINE UP & SIGN UP - UPCOMING EVENTS: ONGOING:
K-ROB'S FILM FARM WILL SCREEN MY BEST FIEND; K.R. WILL ALSO SHOW
VERTIGINOUS VIDEOS; TWO & A HALF GREAT RADIO SHOWS; RUSH OUT TO ROCOCCO
RISQUE: LIBERTIES TAKEN AT DANZHAUS - ANNOUNCEMENT: LOST SOX & HARD
KNOX: MAKE TRAX TO BUY THE MEANING OF LOST AND MISMATCHED SOCKS; NOW,
AT LAST, YOU CAN COME RIGHT IN AND GET IT (THE BOOK, THAT IS) DURING
"DR. HAL" AT THE ODEON; ULTRA-RARE GROTESQUE & GRUESOME HIDEOUS
MONSTER HORROR COMIC BOOK ALSO FOR SALE: ONLY A FEW LEFT - SOME OF OUR
FAVORITE QUESTIONS: IS BLACK MACK? ROLES OF PRONG HOLES - OUR DING-DANG
DAD-BURNED DAG-NAB DAD-RATTED DAMNFOOL DOG-GONE DANGLING
"DISCLAIMER..."
Archosaurs at play...
Another Ask Dr. Hal show is on the way, friends. And for our mandatory
K-Rob Dinosaur Movie excerpt this time we're showing the second half of
his demented edit, "When Dinosaurs Hang Out at Home" (see The Dr. Hal
Report, Vol. IV, No. 2). In this polished parable, the titular
dinosaurs take a break from attacking helpless humans as usually shown
at the Dr. Hal show. And there's none of that tiresome roaring and
stomping we've all seen before. No, instead they frisk and frolic,
imparting a lightsome feel, for a change, to this traditionally grim
segment. They mug and shrug, whirling and twirling. Watch them as they
prance and preen, wiggling and wobbling. I tell you, nobody else on
Mission St. below Cesar Chavez (the street) ever even dreams of
offering something like this as late-night, cosmopolitan entertainment
served up in a sophisticated atmosphere of intellection, inebriation
and flirtation. Ladies and Gentlemen! Messieurs et Mesdames, meinen
Damen und Herren, Signore e Signori, Pani e Pane-- your attention,
please! This exquisite exhibition of reptilian recreation is but a
meager part of our bill at the award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) "Ask
Dr. Hal" show this upcoming Wednesday night, February 16th at the
Odeon, San Francisco's Variety Arts Showcase at 3223 Mission St. at
Valencia. Yes, K-Rob's most recent edit, culled from the more exciting
moments of a certain long-cancelled (but still more than fondly
remembered) "children's" show of the vanished 1980's hosted by a
beloved, though accused and convicted Onanist, should obviate the
obnoxiousness of overbearing orthodoxy and obsecrate the Gods
overlooking and officiating at our Oracular performance. All courtesy
of the master movie archivist, K-Rob (see the section about K-Rob's
Film Farm below), and just one miniature molecule of the gestalt to be
garnered at our unique and well-travelled night club show; once more we
bring its unusual brand of information and ongoing sensation to our
outré but attentive audience. You're invited to join them this week,
when the evening will begin uncharacteristically early, mark my words,
at the stroke of Ten sharp. We do attend, you see, to the plaintive
utterances of those who claim the show goes on too late for those who
have to get themselves up to punch another man's time clock. Therefore,
no lollygagging, procrastinating, thumb-twiddling, bedpressing,
soldiering, taradiddling and fiddle-faddling of any sort will be
tolerated that impedes the prompt and puissant performance of our Dr.
Hal duties, I kid you not. But a memorable time will be had by all.
Just think-- we've got movies, gags, Mystery Guests and mind-munching
Special Effects. We've got K-Rob's menagerie of Mesozoic mummers. We've
got the recovered and revitalized Chicken; and we have the great K-Rob,
the Largest in Captivity. And oh, my sweet brothers and brave
sisters... get a load of this...
IT'S ALL COMPLETELY FREE!
That's right; believe it-- there will be no looming, hip doorman,
hitting you up for a cover charge, before you can even decide you might
want to stop into this place and see some kind of a show; instead we
offer no cover, no charge to those demimondaines who rendezvous at the
Odeon to take in our show, despite all the irreplaceable, precious
time, quite a bit of it, in fact, we spend in the "prep," getting it
ready just for you. See for yourself-- or just come in for a
tête-à-tête with your Valentine, in a comfortable hideaway we provide.
We are neatly discreet, and our lips will be sealed. Of course, your
"assignation" still just might show up later in The Dr. Hal Report as a
sizzling hot item in the next section, the section called...
Social Notes
The Dr. Hal show got off to a rocketing start, soaring into the
Stratosphere via the down-home epiphanies of yodeling sensation Toshio
Hirano, our Opening Attraction. As always, one has to marvel at his
mastery of a musical idiom from an earlier day. This time Toshio,
apostle of the Old West from the Far East, was nimbly assisted by a
Bass Fiddle, indicating that despite his success on the halls he's
still refining and improving his act. It was a great opener for Ask Dr.
Hal, but not the only preliminary, as then astronomer and quondam NASA
consultant "Doc" Pete Goldie climbed to the podium and delivered a
slide-assisted lecture on the Cassini Mission, the latest biweekly
Titan-Huygens Flyby Report, adding interest with a small 3-D model of
the intrepid craft, which he then hauled up over my desk on
Monofilament line. And like that redoubtable robot space probe, the Dr.
Hal show continued to sail into the outer regions of imagination. Good
questions made a good show. Of course, a few of these were from Yo-yo
Pro, a.k.a. David Capurro, who once again managed to garner a free
Fernet Branca shot or two from his unwilling host, saloonkeeper Chicken
John. The latter seems to have recovered fully from his recent soul
transplant (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IV, Nos. 2 and 3) and,
unimpeded, aggressively drove the bottle-green tour bus to take the Dr.
Hal die-hards to Serra Bowl in darkest Daly City. But I get ahead of
myself. The jernt wuz jumpin' with a good-sized crowd. And what a
crowd, including Lademarn Raltanswith, Charlee Gee, jollified Joe
Cheese, and squire Carl Heiney. Maybe it was the lure of the deferred
out-of-sequence Bus Trip, tho' not everyone ended up going All the Way
to join the Night Bowlers. Cool-as-a-cucumber Kelek, for example,
attended but never boarded the bouncing bus. I missed my chance to chat
as I had hoped, blocked by frantic would-be buyers of creepy comic
Grave Yarns (see below) while she got away, but I managed to catch up
with her at Amnesia a few days later on Saturday, when she tap-danced
(in mufti) as part of a Nice Pants performance; said perf also included
the angelic pipes of Ariela Morgenstern, now featured across towne
these weekends in Rococco Risqué at Danzhaus (check "Ongoing, " below).
The music of the 1920's never sounded better. And, incidentally, take a
tip, Nice Pants fans and camp followers-- to see both these talented
and torrid performers, and maybe some of their friends, just come down
to A.D.H. next week, when they plan to honor us by being our Opening
Act once again. Neither did Erica Drake ride aboard the former Viridian
Chelonian voiture, and at the alley I never saw Fan Ameke or Anthony
Phoer... Sonjia Miles was miles of smiles... Katy Bell also missed the
bus, though not metaphorically. And the Dr. Hal's Universal Nostrum and
Elixir I provided la belle Bell seems to have done the trick, effecting
another Miracle Cure for the results of her recent and lamentable brush
with Poison Oak (Toxicodendron diversilobum)... See-worthy Kate Osborne
and glamour-doll Janay Growden caused male hearts to flutter... No
longer Lonesome Doorman Phoenix with new bride Jenny Jo, astronomer
Pete Goldie, and bon vivant Sean Kelly were in the house with Don and
Tracy, vivacious Violet the Xtra Action Marching Band drummer, Church
of the SubGenius Archon and Radio God Dr. Philo Drummond...
Superstar/Dr. Hal Technical Director Jascha Ephraim, who tore down the
house two weeks ago for a lead-in act (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IV,
No. 2) kept us on an even keel... The Holy Hemptress, I happen to
know, wholly enjoyed the whole evening... Freddi Price showed up
briefly-- he's since left for the South Seas-- Bon Voyage, Mahatma...
Odeon femme fatale / factotum Nevis Hagmeier, promoter David Kaye and
tender bartender Jean rounded out the crew. At Serra Bowl the legendary
Pon-a-dour guy kept the bar open and doled out the alley gunboats...
Cloe, an Odeon enthusiast who's still not yet legal to get into the
club (but will soon) took the Bus Ride and bowled up a storm. Watching
her as well as Jean and Janay, who were on my team, made up for my
mediocre score. Actually I didn't do too badly this time. When it was
all over a few adventurous souls went on further to chez Heiney, where
some of us decompressed in the hot tub. I and a close friend enjoyed
the amenities there, easing mutual tensions until dawn, when,
prune-wrinkled, limp and refreshed, I made my way home, creeping
through the lightening streets. It's certainly lucky for me that I had
K-Rob's Sign-up Sheet to check later, or in all the confusion I'd never
have been able to remember who-all was where... Now, if you were there
I guess I just... didn't see you. I'll admit it. Come on, help me out.
Autograph K-Rob's Sign-Up Sheet on the dotted line. Then I can get your
John Hancock into this column, see? Take just a moment to get friendly
with that old K-Rob Sheet-- it's always at the front of the stage,
stuck there firmly with Scotch tape. Then I un-stick it, tearing and
distressing it somewhat, take it home and use it to write this column.
That's the way it works. So do your part; help me monitor your
moniker-- or be forever left off the page...
Upcoming Events
Here are some of the must-see hot tickets for the near future, clusters
of related happenings closely packed into the same candy box as are we,
presented as a public service by the Dr. Hal Report, which is
responsible for all accuracy or factual errors from the following:
Ongoing
"K-Rob's Thursday Night Film Farm" -- K-Rob the great is, among other
things, a showman and exhibitor. He's often proved it at the Odeon with
his dynamic displays of Video Editing, and separately at such far flung
venues as, say, the psychotic "SubGenius" 3-Day & Night Outdoor Movie
Festival, Barn-Raising, Corn-Husking Bee & Auto-da-Fe -- remember that?
back in May of last year (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. I, No. 11). How
the time fries... And watch for notice of another one of these fulsome
cinematic endurance contests the same perpetrators could well be
plotting to put on now that the Spring has sprung... Anyway, each
Thursday, K-Rob's now running an Odeon Cinema series. And.. it's FREE,
FREE, FREE! Cm'on-- when even daytime matinees in this pixilated 'polis
cost, at best, a painful, wallet-lightening $7.50, where else can you
go for a free frickin' movie? Not to mention that you can hang out with
both bon vivant K-Rob and easy-on-the-eyes Ena, and order hard liquor,
an amenity most theaters are usually reluctant to pass out with the
popcorn. Each K-Rob movie program starts at 7:00 PM and runs through
9:00 PM, and includes trailers, short subjects, cartoons, the whole
Albondiga Gigante. This week it's.. it's... My Best Fiend (1999). Cult
director Werner Herzog created this ultra-weird documentary about the
stormy love-hate relationship he experienced with legendary actor Klaus
Kinski. Interviews feature memorable subjects (including Claudia
Cardinale) and film clips from a number of the movies they worked on
together. Really, isn't it about time you started coming to these?
"Puzzling Evidence" -- For more than twenty years, this Church of the
SubGenius-affiliated radio show has been on the air on KPFA 94.1 FM;
its current time slot is 3-5 AM Friday mornings (you might consider it
late Thursday nights as we often do). I, Dr. Howland Owll appear along
with Dr. Philo Drummond (visit his website at
http://www.quiveringbrain.com ) and
on-board bored board operator Puzzling Evidence himself (The "Tash").
Sometimes K-Rob joins us, sometimes other Mystery Guests. All Talk, No
Rock. A cascade of echoing glossolaliac madness, the voicing of lyric
ruminations from the free-falling brains of disintegrating
personalities. And some people, demented individuals, obsessively
record every word and squealing sound effect. Of course, you may just
hate it. But maybe not. After all, lovely Kelek Stevenson told me she
listens. I can think of no better reason for doing the show. So there.
And, if you're up, why not give it a try? Maybe you could even, you
know, call in (after 4:00 AM) at (510) 848-4425..."
"Radio KROB" -- Yes, the enigma known as K-Rob can still be heard at a
much more accessible time, now on Fridays, 10 PM to Midnight on SF
Liberation Radio (webcast only), still going strong, when he'll elevate
you with his unique brand of "elevator music," (an elitist pleasure)
and now on Saturdays, 6PM to Midnight on Pirate Cat Radio 87.9 FM for
what he calls stimulus regression programming. Caramba! K.R.,
broadcasting from the always-innovative Dark Room Theatre, promises to
play some of his MP3-recorded "mixes" you may have missed at our other
shows, all you Dr. Hal attendees. If you can stand to smell the smoke,
see the flames, and hear the cannon's roar, this is the show for you.
Go ahead, tune in, K-Rob fans-- see what all the shouting is about.
"Rococo Risqué: Liberties Taken--" The Red Gate Performance
Collective's 5th Biannual Flagship Show, opening February 11th! Playing
3 more weekends (Friday and Saturday) from Feb. 18th & 19th to March
4th & 5th, at Danzhaus, 1275 Connecticut St. (at Cesar Chavez) San
Francisco, California. It's between U.S. 101 and 280, serviced by the
#19 Muni coach. Enjoying the Rebirth of Burlesque? Prepare for a
torrent of Girls, Gags & Glamour. "Lady Liberty herself finally gets
down from her pedestal to present a cabaret styled in the great
tradition of the USO.' Now, thanks to the miraculous technological
advances pioneered by Dr. Herbert Kerbers, this epochal entertainment
will be transmitted live, directly to the hearts and minds of the
world's civilian population, as well as broadcast to our finely
fatigued friends across the globe," writes to-die-for Chanteuse Ariela
Morgenstern, whom, lucky you, you can see and hear at this gig. Note to
wolves: ALL these women are not only frighteningly talented but also
gorgeous. Burlesque, Balladry, Bush-bashing-- what's not to like? You
can bet I'll be there next week-- in the front row. Doors open at 7:00
PM; Show proper starts at 8:00. The price for a night in Paradise:
$10.00 from
www.rococorisque.com.
...or at the door, $15.00. Be a part of this historic Cabaret moment.
Tell 'em Dr. Hal sent you...
High-Flown Literary Announcement
I, Dr. Hal, have written a book. It's called The Meaning of Lost and
Mismatched Socks, and its publisher is Frog, Ltd. (North Atlantic
Books). Perhaps you've paid attention to these announcements and
already know this. But now I'm happy to proclaim that for a trial
period starting this week, Duncan D'nuts is helping me to be able to
sell it at the Odeon! I will sell you a copy and, if you choose,
autograph and inscribe each copy I sell. We'll see how it works out.
This thing was devised, penned, indexed, and packed with illustrations
by Yours Truly under the nom de plume of Dr. Perditus Pedale, M.D.,
Ph.D., but don't be fooled: it's really me. Now, in this book, I
finally answer a question originally put to me at "The Wizard of Ass"
out in the desert some years ago under the stars of Black Rock, as
Chicken reminded me in 2004. You see, I eventually do get around to
answering all questions; with certain of these it just takes me longer,
as in this case. Warning: this book costs a cool $9.95, but all books
are expensive these days-- I can't help that. However, I'd hate to have
written a "landfill" book that didn't sell, for that would sully my
already bespattered, besmeared & beslimed reputation even further. So,
Dr. Hal fans, if you really are out there, for Dobbs's sake go ahead
and prove it, why don't you, by stepping right up and getting this book
directly from me. And if you like it, you might want to get my next
book, Dinosaur Alphabet (which I ought to be working on instead of
writing this, now in endless-seeming preparation). But first things
first. Acquire it from me personally at the bar. Or just order it from
somewhere else and bring it to the bar-- ISBN number 1-58394-097-9,
paperback (but the dinosaur book, which I'm working on now, will be a
hardback, when I get it finished-- I'm aiming for the Fall 2005
season-- wish me luck!). Also available in many bookstores, I suppose
(on my Hallowe'en trip to N.Y.C. I saw they were carrying it at
Shakespeare & Co.), and on amazon.com. The profit margin will be slim,
but we'll see how it all works out. Help an impoverished author (that's
me) this leeched-out post-holiday season. I'm going to have to sell an
enormous mountain-high pile of these for my royalties to kick in; I
have a truly terrible deal with the publisher. I guess I need an agent.
Remember, buy it at the bar and I'll sign it, exponentially increasing
its value. That's a promise. Also, I still have a few copies of my
EC-style Horror Comic Book, Grave Yarns, which I drew in 1999, left to
sell at $8 a pop (cheap, considering the scarcity). I can autograph
those, too-- but when they're gone, they're gone.
Some of Our Favorite Questions
"Dr. Hal, everyone knows wearing black is cool. Why is this, and are
there any colors that are uncool?" (Asked 11/3/04) Wearing black is
always considered cool, and has always been-- think of the Black
Knight, for example, or Hamlet. Hamlet is cool because by wearing
funereal black, being the only one in the Court of Denmark to do so,
only he is acknowledging that there was something a little bit hinky
about the death of the king his father, Hamlet Senior. Only he
deliberately flaunts the norm in this way. Thus he is also the social
rebel in the scheme of things, like Fonzie on "Happy Days," who also
wears black and epitomizes cool. And modern hipsters are like Hamlet,
or the Fonz, because they also are making pointed acknowledgement of
the grim, sardonic side of affairs, which flies in the teeth of
bourgeois optimism. (Besides, black is slenderizing and flatters the
figure.) Following this, you can see that the next cool colors to
black, or the next less uncool colors, would be the primaries, red,
blue or yellow, especially if unrelieved by another color. The most
uncool colors will then be the pastels, like those featured in Wal-Mart
clothes. Unfortunately, the most uncool color combination of all is at
present red, white and blue, our national colors. By being as it were
the very livery of the torturing, warmongering Establishment, these
hues forfeit coolness, unless you're Evel Knievel in your red, white
and blue jumpsuit. Strangely, by pursuing propriety in a bizarre way,
Evel remains cool; his cool points for being an anomaly are sufficient
to overwhelm his cool demerits for affecting the colors of the flag.
Because an anomaly is always cool.
"Dr. Hal, when you look at the two flat prongs on the plugs for
electrical appliances, why do they have those holes in them? (Asked
1/19/05) There are two reasons for those holes in the prongs on a plug.
If you were to take an outlet apart and look at the contact wipers that
those prongs slide into, you'd see that they have bumps on them. These
bumps fit into the prong-holes. Coincidence, or conspiracy? Actually
the latter, because this detenting, as they call it, prevents the plug
from slipping out of the socket due to the weight of the plug and the
cord. It also improves the contact (electrical) between the plug and
the outlet, which can grip the plug's prongs more firmly. Your witness,
Mr. Freud.
The other reason I mentioned is that electrical devices can be "factory
sealed" or "locked out" by the manufacturer or owner using a plastic
tie through one or both of the plug prong holes. Construction projects
or industrial safety requirements may mandate this type of sealing. For
bureaucratic or legal reasons a manufacturer might run a plastic band
through the prong holes with a card attached reading, "Before plugging
in this device, you must make sure this installation conforms to
Federal standards 1134-GCDL - 89 R as specified by flapdoodle
bongwhaddle jubjub rutabaga protocol code Alpha" or some similarly
impenetrable jargon. Believe me, there're buildings full of lawyers
with nothing better to do than come up with this stuff. Just cut off
the tag and throw it away-- I always do. See you at the Odeon!
Boilerplate
"Ask Dr. Hal" is elastic, ecumenical, eclectic and electric, and has
even been known to be, in its way, erotic in its ultimate
ramifications. Whatever it may be, it is certainly open to all seekers
and thirsters after Enlightenment, except for the ones Chicken John
permanently 86's from the bar. Furthermore, special consultations and
hands-on initiations are available in private, particularly for
well-knit, gracile, nubile females over the currently legal drinking
age of 21. Everybody else, including would-be prospective opening act
performers, are asked to present their resumes, life histories,
astrological charts, nude photos, sob stories, requests for handouts,
X-rays, dirty linen, BVDs, VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, CDs, DVDs
and/or audition tapes directly to warm-hearted "Chicken" John for
evaluation. I am unable, owing to serious demands on my time at
present, to provide (shudder) "relationship" advice, give off-the-cuff
psychological analyses, advise you in legal, medical or personal
matters, critique your poetry, artwork or the manuscript of your novel,
or perform an impromptu phrenological examination. Sorry, I must
refrain from answering questions when "off duty." This is a period and
condition which begins at the moment the show ends and regularly lasts
until the beginning of the next week's performance. I'm not kidding,
don't come at me with questions when it's not Wednesday and I'm not
doing the show. Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up, no
shoving, room for all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful,
regretful, self-obsessed or feeble-minded, nor for cranks, fanatics,
crank addicts, hysterics, epileptics, cataleptics, young,
impressionable children or those who are no longer children but are
(too) easily shocked. Oneiromancy a specialty. Some restrictions apply.
Easy to play. Follow all directions. Be the first on your block to
attend. We provide an Oracle of Truth; you provide the consequences.
Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals, corporate
entertainment retreats, secret ceremonies, bar and bat mitzvahs.
Scientific, educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive. Take cum
grano salis. Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain clothing. No
complicated machinery to buy. Anyone can play. Fun for the whole
family (if, that is, the whole family is of legal drinking age).
Pencils, envelopes, instruction booklets and question slips provided
free of charge. No pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets. Witty,
bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem Animal. Hypnotic and horrific.
Reads tea leaves and t-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells,
locates missing objects, heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit
World, knows the Meaning of Life and the secrets of human hearts in
this world and the next. Will design your tattoo. Available for Sex
Magick. Bring your parents and loved ones. Do not exceed recommended
dosage. Reveals Past Lives and Life of the Past. The most amazing
thing seen anywhere, I kid you not. Bachelors and cads, take notice:
some of the most fetching (though crazy) women in San Francisco
regularly attend. A co-production of the Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs
Approved. Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of the
hand, reads by touch the bumps on the head and the uncovered female
body. Buy my horrid horror comic book, Grave Yarns. Brought to you by
Camel cigarettes (remember, They Are Mild-- "I'd Walk a Mile for a
Camel"), and by the Miracle Liquor Fernet Branca, proud sponsor of the
Ask Dr. Hal show since 2001 A.D. From now on until old white-bearded
Father Time swishes his scythe,all questions instantly and irrevocably
become the property of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal Robins, Chicken John, and Bro.
Hal Chokechick Jarndhas Productions. We reserve the right to refuse
service to you and your kin, reject inappropriate questions and eject
inappropriate questioners, abruptly, firmly, forcefully, gleefully and
at will. Attn. Mission drunks (or Bambi Lake): if you try to disrupt
our show, you will be "bounced." Although it is not strictly necessary
to pay to enjoy the performance, and payment will not ensure your
appreciation of the evening, all questions should ideally be submitted
in a regulation envelope containing an emolument to receive the fullest
possible consideration. The better (i.e. larger) the emolument, the
better (i.e. long-winded) the answer. A premium emolument precipitates
a "Bardic Recitation." For example, last week's show concluded with the
ancient poem, The Ballad of Sir Patrick Spens. Too bad if you weren't
there, eh? Of course, unpaid questions will be answered, but in binary
form by an assembled mob of magic 8-balls. The new Sternbergh 8-ball
can even speak its reply aloud. But if it's not a "yes or no" question,
this doesn't work very well, and tends to be somewhat unsatisfying.
Just the same, no refunds given or answers guaranteed. You pay for it,
you get it. No one religion or political party endorsed. If you don't
see what you want, ask. Time tested. User-friendly. Preserved for
Posterity. Written up in the weeklies. Taped for TV. Quoted at parties.
Remembered in dreams, re-run in your nightmares. Astrally projected.
Alive in Living Memory. Provides automotive information. The subject of
after-dinner anecdotes. Will pop into your mind at unguarded moments.
Are you really actually reading this? You are? Good for you. We're not
for everybody, but what is? Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate
our Freedom to laugh our heads off at shows like this, so-- it's
important-- at the next election, vote them out of office. Impeachment
is good, too. Get organized! We're located in the fibrillating,
palpitating Heart of the teeming Deep Mission, fashionably below Cesar
Chavez (the street, that is). Read all instructions (provided) before
participating. Drink responsibly, but heavily. Robust alcohol
consumption recommended for full enjoyment. Support the Odeon; order a
drink or two, for the love of Mike, whoever he is. Some of us can't
drink at all, remember. Boy, do we wish we could. Perhaps we will, by
and by. 'Bye. And buy my book, won't you? It's easy-- just come to the
club...
--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB