When Dinosaurs Attack Someone's Girlfriend!!
Correspondent:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 09:22:47 -0500
--------
A MESSAGE FROM DR. HAL
February 9th, 2005
"Ask Dr. Hal" Presents:
"When Dinosaurs Attack Someone's Girlfriend!"
Tyrannosaurus rex makes Quick Moonlight Meal of Unlucky Lass
And Don't Come too Late to Enjoy our Opening Act --
The Wistful Warblings and Yearning Yodelings of
Toshio Hirano
Old-time Cowboy Favorite from Way Out East
THE DR. HAL REPORT
SPECIAL (POSSIBLE) POSTPONED BUS RIDE EDITION
Bus Rides are cancelled in the event of indisposition of the driver
and/or over-wet weather, purely as a safety measure. The driver has
indicated the imminence of the bus ride; judgement about the actual
date of same must be made by the editor of The Dr. Hal Report in the
absence of unequivocal information and should be understood
accordingly. In the event of a wash-out owing to an excess of
precipitation 2 (two) days previous to the show or later, the
traditional beginning-of-the-month excursion to the bewildered bowling
alley may or may not be postponed to the next active session of Ask Dr.
Hal, depending entirely on showman "Chicken" John's temperament &
caprice. Your safety is of paramount importance to us, the Odeon Stock
Company & Management. Bus Plunges, overturns, explosions, railway
crossing right-of-way controversies, collisions with large semi-trailer
trucks or low-flying aircraft and other serious catastrophes may
significantly detract from the overall experience of "Ask Dr. Hal" and
are therefore avoided whenever possible.
C O N T E N T S :
ON THE BILL: K-ROB DINOSAUR MOMENT TO FEATURE DECISIVE END OF A
RELATIONSHIP: OPENING ACT: TOSHIO HIRANO'S LONESOME GUITAR - THE
WONDERFUL BUS TRIP (MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN, & WHY) - SOCIAL NOTES: CHICK
SICK; KATY BELL SUFFERS ITCHY TORTURE; SARAH S. SHOWS; ERICA PROVIDES
PIE & SYMPATHY; SKATERS CRASH SHOW; ENA GOES TRES DECOLLETE, ALSO
EXPOSES MIDRIFF FOR FANS; SETH MALICE MOOCHES IN; LINE UP & SIGN UP -
UPCOMING EVENTS: ONGOING: K-ROB'S FILM FARM WILL SCREEN '43 NAZI
KLASSIC MUNCHAUSEN: K.R. WILL ALSO SHOW VERTIGINOUS VIDEOS; TWO & A
HALF GREAT RADIO SHOWS; ROCOCCO RISQUE: LIBERTIES TAKEN AT DANZHAUS;
THE PRINCESS BRIDE HAS 2 MORE SHOWS AT THE DARK ROOM - ANNOUNCEMENT:
LOST SOX & HARD KNOX: MAKE TRAX TO BUY THE MEANING OF LOST AND
MISMATCHED SOCKS; SOON YOU'LL BE ABLE TO GET IT (THE BOOK) RIGHT AT THE
ODEON. ULTRA-RARE MONSTER HORROR COMIC BOOK ALSO FOR SALE: ONLY A FEW
LEFT - SOME OF OUR FAVORITE QUESTIONS: DO BIRDS REALLY BILL & COO? THEY
DO? OUR DING-DANG DAGNAB DAMNFOOL DOG-GONE DANGLING DISCLAIMER
First, Somebody's Girlfriend gets Eaten...
(NOT IN A GOOD WAY)
We have a poignant vignette to offer for our mandatory K-Rob Dinosaur
Movie excerpt this time. We've seen dinosaurs attack astronauts,
sailors, Mexican boys, Manhattan pedestrians, construction workers and
helicopter pilots, not to mention other large saurians. But now it
seems that a nice-looking girl, very cute, early twenties, long
straight black hair, exposed midriff-- she's the dinosaur dinner. It's
really too bad; such a waste. And it's a night scene-- the entire
atrocity takes place by moonlight. Such a sequence may be
psychologically harrowing. But there's much food for thought here (as
well as 125 pounds of fresh human kill for a hungry theropod). The
bigger carnivorous dinosaurs were often night hunters, with keen vision
(the skull of Tyrannosaurus was so constructed as to allow a binocular
view and triangulation on the prey); more importantly, they had a
highly developed olfactory system and could easily smell you out, if
you were there. This girl used Patchouli oil from the look of her, and,
clearly, T-rex didn't care. Ladies and Gentlemen! Messieurs et
Mesdames, meinen Damen und Herren, Signore e Signori, Pani e Pane--
your attention, please! This caustic parable is a mere part of our bill
at the award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) "Ask Dr. Hal" show this
upcoming Wednesday night, February 9th at the Odeon, San Francisco's
Variety Arts Showcase at 3223 Mission St. at Valencia. The moonlight
photography may be a little blued-out and blurry, but if your vision is
reasonably good, this ritual enactment of de rigeur human sacrifice
should appease the Gods who overlook and inspire our Oracular
performance. All courtesy of the master movie archivist, K-Rob (see the
section about K-Rob's Film Farm below), and just one small smidgin of
the totality to be experienced at our unique and well-travelled night
club show; once more we bring its unusual brand of conviviality and
information to an outré but receptive audience. You're invited to join
them this week, when the evening begins to the plaintive strains of the
guitar and vocal stylings of Toshio Hirano. A member of the Odeon Stock
Company, Mr. Hirano has accumulated a following at the O. and in cities
where we have toured, taking this act and others on the road for the
entertainment and edification of out neighbors in the urban communities
of the Pacific Northwest (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. III, No. 2). Mr.
Hirano has forgotten more traditional musical Americana than many
pig-ignorant popinjay performers on the boards in this era of
disposable commodified balladry will ever learn-- much to their
discredit. We welcome him with open arms (and ears) at the Odeon, and
so will you. Then we'll do the rest of the show...
...and a Bus Ride closes off the Evening!
Or maybe not. But probably. These things happen traditionally on the
first Dr. Hal performance date of each month; therefore it should have
been last week for the Bus Bounce. But we had bad weather, and worse
still, on the very day before, Chicken John underwent a "medical
procedure" (he had a soul transplant). Stiff and sore after this (they
go in between the lower ribs-- it's quite intrusive), he just wasn't up
to driving the entire Odeon audience to a bowling alley in a 1968 GMC
motor coach with an 8-cylinder Diesel engine, a 3-speed automatic
Allison tranny and no power steering. This week, in all likelihood
he'll be in fine fettle, but I can make no guar-an-tee. But I, Dr.
Howland Owll, can promise that during the course of our entirely
interactive presentation, each and every one of your questions shall be
answered. A memorable time will be had by all. Just think-- we've got
movies, gags, Mystery Guests and mind-molesting Special Effects. We've
got a Monster Reptile of the Cretaceous Age dining alfresco on a nubile
night-tripper. We've got Toshio Hirano, in whom the Rising Sun sets
over the Open Range. We have the recovered and revitalized Chicken; and
we have the great K-Rob, the Largest in Captivity. And...
IT'S ALL COMPLETELY FREE!
That's right; believe it-- there is no cover, no charge for those who
rendezvous at the Odeon to take in our show, despite all the
irreplaceable, precious time, quite a bit of it, in fact, we spend in
getting it ready just for you. See for yourself-- or just come in for a
tête-à-tête with one close to you, in a comfortable hideaway we
provide. Our lips will be sealed. Of course, your assignation just
might show up later in The Dr. Hal Report as a hot item in the section
called...
Social Notes
As indicated, after his outpatient encounter with the medicos, Chicken,
like Petticoat Junction's Uncle Joe, was "movin' kinda slow" at last
week's performance. Unable to sit comfortably atop his usual high
perch, he did not just do the usual opening monologue but the whole
show right next to me behind my desk. But it seemed to work. There was
certainly no lagging of attention (except for Yo-yo pro David Capurro,
who always walks out right while I'm reciting poetry) from the large
audience, which included reclusive scholar (and belligerati member)
D.S. Black, "Mainframe" Marc Roper, curvaceous once and future Carnival
Barker Krista Bray, and Point Arena potentate Chris Campbell. Katy Bell
was there, looking better than ever, though troubled by a recent brush
with Poison Oak (Toxicodendron diversilobum). I think I've since
persuaded her to apply some Dr. Hal's Universal Nostrum and Elixir,
which I plan to make available during a private consultation. Indeed, I
look forward to applying the stuff right on her myself. La belle Bell
looked none the worse for wear-- the meds she's been given agree with
her, in ironic fact... Kate Osborne and Kai Miller also appeared,
upping the femme fatale quotient... Jack Trade and soi-dissant
Superagent Dangerass (the latter to be found at
dangerass@earthlink.net) were boisterous, but boys will be
boisterous... Doorman Phoenix with new bride Jenny Jo, astronomer Pete
Goldie with squeeze Sarah Szczechowicz, and Anthony Phoer with fetching
Fan Ameke were among the power couples conspicuously canoodling. 'Tis a
rare eve when we see Ms. Szczechowicz, for whom Wednesday is most often
a "school night." It was good to see her at Ask Dr. Hal once more...
Enigmatic Erica Drake earned unlimited Dr. Hal kudos by gifting me with
a "Diabetically correct" Cherry pie, something I love inordinately.
Always try to get 'em at Safeway, but I never find them there, usually
have to settle with Marionberry. Now, with all due respect to the
crack-smoking former Mayor of Washington, D.C., there is nothing as
good as a cherry pie, even the "no sugar" kind I am forced to restrict
myself to. I'm in your debt, Erica-- where did you go later, anyway?
Ben Burke was there, several sheets to the wind... Torrid Taryn Towers
was in the house; so were SubGenius Archons and radio gods Puzzling
Evidence and Dr. Philo Drummond... Ena created excitement by wearing an
outfit which exposed both her anterior ventral thoracic area and her
medial axial region, though she covered up later... Superstar/Dr. Hal
Technical Director Jascha Ephraim, fresh from his triumph the week
before (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IV, No. 2) kept our tech in
trim... Promoter David Kaye didn't seem particularly irritated by the
roller-skating couple who glided around the O., neither did Gentleman
Farmer Paul "Pot" or Nic Griffin of quondam Dr. Hal opening group The
Krelkins... Joe the Lawyer sat in the back, but I saw him... New
audience members included Ed and his friends; we understand they'll be
back for more. And toward the shank end of the evening, who should pop
up but perennial social gadfly Seth Maxwell Malice... Quite a few
adventurous souls purchased a copy of ghastly & horrible Horror Comic
Book Grave Yarns from me; the supply's almost exhausted but I still
have a few; get 'em while they last... Now, if you were there I guess I
just... didn't see you. I'll admit it. Come on, autograph K-Rob's
Sign-Up Sheet on the dotted line. Then I can get your John Hancock into
this column, see? Oh, you can't miss that old K-Rob Sheet-- it's always
at the front of the stage, stuck there firmly with Scotch tape. Then I
un-stick it, tearing it somewhat, take it home and use it to write this
column. That's the way it works. So do your part; help me monitor your
moniker-- or be forever left off the page...
Upcoming Events
Here are some of the must-see hot tickets for the near future, bubbles
of related happenings burbling from the same sea as are we, presented
as a public service by the Dr. Hal Report, which is responsible for all
accuracy or factual errors from the following:
Ongoing
"K-Rob's Thursday Night Film Farm" -- K-Rob the great is, among other
things, a showman and exhibitor. He's often proved it at the Odeon with
his dynamic displays of Video Editing, and separately at such far flung
venues as, say, the psychotic "SubGenius" 3-Day & Night Outdoor Movie
Festival & Auto-da-Fe -- remember that? back in May of last year (see
The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. I, No. 11). How the time fries... And watch
for notice of another one of these fulsome cinematic endurance contests
the same perpetrators could well be plotting to put on... Anyway, each
Thursday, K-Rob's now running an Odeon Cinema series. And.. it's FREE,
FREE, FREE! Cm'on-- when even daytime matinees in this pixilated 'polis
cost, at best, a painful, wallet-lightening $7.50, where else can you
go for a free frickin' movie? Not to mention that you can hang out with
both bon vivant K-Rob and easy-on-the-eyes Ena, and order hard liquor,
an amenity most theaters are usually reluctant to pass out with the
popcorn. Each K-Rob movie program starts at 7:00 PM and runs through
9:00 PM, and includes trailers, short subjects, cartoons, the whole
Chimichanga Gigante con Grueso. This week it's.. it's... Munchausen.
Not the Terry Gilliam film you may have seen-- something much rarer.
This is the Nazi version. Seriously. It was made by Germany's UFA
Studios in 1943. Adolf Hitler's Propaganda Minister Dr. Josef Goebbels
was a big fan of The Wizard of Oz. This was the Third Reich's response,
an extravaganza intended to distract the worried public from the
direction the war was taking with plenty of (then) state-of-the-art
special effects and a sprinkling of nudity. Where else could you view
this picture? Now, seriously, isn't it about time you started coming
to these?
"Puzzling Evidence" -- For more than twenty years, this Church of the
SubGenius-affiliated radio show has been on the air on KPFA 94.1 FM;
its current time slot is 3-5 AM Friday mornings (you might consider it
late Thursday nights as we often do). I, Dr. Howland Owll appear along
with Dr. Philo Drummond (visit his website at
http://www.quiveringbrain.com ) and
on-board bored board operator Puzzling Evidence himself (The "Tash").
Sometimes K-Rob joins us, sometimes other Mystery Guests. All Talk, No
Rock. A cascade of echoing glossolaliac madness, the voicing of lyric
ruminations from the free-falling brains of disintegrating
personalities. And some people, demented individuals, obsessively
record every word and squealing sound effect. Of course, you may just
hate it. But maybe not. After all, lovely Kelek Stevenson told me she
listens. So there. And, if you're up, why not give it a try? Maybe you
could even, you know, call in (after 4:00 AM) at (510) 848-4425..."
"Radio KROB" -- Yes, the enigma known as K-Rob can still be heard at a
much more accessible time, now on Fridays, 10 PM to Midnight on SF
Liberation Radio (webcast only), still going strong, when he'll elevate
you with his unique brand of "elevator music," (an elitist pleasure)
and now on Saturdays, 6PM to Midnight on Pirate Cat Radio 87.9 FM for
what he calls stimulus regression programming. Gro-onk! K.R.,
broadcasting from the always-innovative Dark Room Theatre, promises to
play some of his MP3-recorded "mixes" you may have missed at our other
shows, all you Dr. Hal attendees. If you can stand to smell the smoke,
see the flames, and hear the cannon's roar, this is the show for you.
Go ahead, tune in, K-Rob fans-- see what all the shouting is about.
"Rococo Risqué: Liberties Taken--" The Red Gate Performance
Collective's 5th Biannual Flagship Show, opening February 11th! Playing
4 weekends (Friday and Saturday) from Feb. 11th & 12th to March 4th &
5th, at Danzhaus, 1275 Connecticut St. (at Cesar Chavez) San Francisco,
California. It's between U.S. 101 and 280, serviced by the #19 Muni
coach. Enjoying the Rebirth of Burlesque? Prepare for a torrent of
Girls, Gags & Glamour. "Lady Liberty herself finally gets down from her
pedestal to present a cabaret styled in the great tradition of the
USO.' Now, thanks to the miraculous technological advances pioneered by
Dr. Herbert Kerbers, this epochal entertainment will be transmitted
live, directly to the hearts and minds of the world's civilian
population, as well as broadcast to our finely fatigued friends across
the globe," writes to-die-for Chanteuse Ariela Morgenstern, whom, lucky
you, you can see and hear at this gig. Note to wolves: ALL these women
are not only frighteningly talented but also gorgeous. You can bet I'll
be there-- in the front row. Doors open at 7:00 PM; Show proper starts
at 8:00. The price for a night in Paradise: $10.00 from
www.rococorisque.com.
...or at the door, $15.00. Be a part of this historic Cabaret moment.
Tell 'em Dr. Hal sent you...
"The Princess Bride: the Play--" TWO MORE NIGHTS! Then they closes for
good. February 11th, and 12th, 2005, Friday & Saturday at 8PM; and
that's all she wrote. This much-loved show's run has, one final time,
been extended to make sure you have a chance to take it in. Perhaps you
saw the movie a few years back (featuring the late Andre the Giant).
Now those Dark Room die-hards have effected a magical transformation of
their own in their full-blooded adaptation of this work for their
innovative stage. Inspired by the classic tale of high adventure and
true romance by William Goldman. I saw this and recommend it. Don't say
there's "nothing special to see in S.F.!" Yes, another Impossible
Production ( The Twilight Zone, Night of the Living Dead, the Play;
Clue: the Play; Dr. Strangelove: the Play, etc.) directed by Cameron
Eng & Jim Fourniadis (both of whom are actually in the play in pivotal
roles) and produced by Erin Ohanneson & Cameron Eng. Starring are Don
Wood, Nancy Bower, Josh Lenn, John Filgas, Mark Para, Cameron Eng, Jim
Fourniadis, Seanetta, Laura Drus, and introducing Patrick Biggs. The
place's easy to find-- 2263 Mission Street, SF, between 18th and 19th.
For more details, check
www.darkroomsf.com
or
www.princessbride.4t.com.
A reasonable $15 at the door; even cheaper ($12.50) online; go to
www.acteva.com/go/impprod
and live happily ever after...
High-Flown Literary Announcement
I, Dr. Hal, have written a book. It's called The Meaning of Lost and
Mismatched Socks, and its publisher is Frog, Ltd. (North Atlantic
Books). This work was devised, penned, indexed, and packed with
illustrations by Yours Truly under the nom de plume of Dr. Perditus
Pedale, M.D., Ph.D., but don't be fooled: it's really me. ("Cyberpunk"
author) John Shirley wrote it up with a good review last year, bless
him-- I think you just might still be able to read it if you access his
backlog at his "blog" at
http://johnshirley.net
and then there was another favorable review on-line at boingboing.net;
look to see if you can still find it at
www.boingboing.net/2004/09/23/new_hal_robins_book_.html
Whoever wrote this inexplicably referred to my "high-pitched voice,"
but it's otherwise a good notice. And I have to say, I haven't
encountered anyone who's read the thing who disliked it... Now, in this
book, I finally answer a question originally put to me at "The Wizard
of Ass" out in the desert some years ago, as Chicken reminded me back
in 2004. You see, I eventually do get around to answering all
questions; with certain of these it just takes me longer, as in this
case. This book costs a cool $9.95, but all books are expensive these
days-- I can't help that. However, I'd hate to have written a
"chart-class" book that didn't sell, for that would sully my already
bedeviled & benighted reputation even further. So, Dr. Hal fans, if you
really are out there, for Dobbs's sake go ahead and prove it, why don't
you, by going out and getting this book. And if you like it, you might
want to get my next book, Dinosaur Alphabet (which I ought to be
working on instead of writing this, now in endless-seeming
preparation). But first things first. ISBN number 1-58394-097-9,
paperback (but the dinosaur book, which I'm working on now, will be a
hardback, when I get it finished-- I'm aiming for the Fall 2005
season-- wish me luck!). Available in many bookstores, I suppose (on my
Hallowe'en trip to N.Y.C. I saw they were carrying it at Shakespeare &
Co.), and on amazon.com. Meanwhile, none other than Duncan D'nuts has
kindly offered to front me some dough (heh, heh) so's I can purchase
some copies of my own book at an "author's discount" (not very
significant) and then make them available right here at the Odeon. The
profit margin will be slim, but many of you have asked if I can do
this; now, or actually in the near future (but I can't say exactly
when), you'll be able to acquire one of these, signed, just by coming
in to the bar. We'll see how it all works out. Help an impoverished
author (that's me) this leeched-out post-holiday season. I'm going to
have to sell an enormous mountain-high pile of these for my royalties
to kick in; I have a truly terrible deal with the publisher. I guess I
need an agent. Remember, buy it at the bar and I'll sign it,
exponentially increasing its value. That's a promise. Also, I still
have a few copies of my EC-style Horror Comic Book, Grave Yarns, which
I drew in 1999, left to sell at $8 a pop (cheap, considering the
scarcity). I can autograph those, too-- but when they're gone, they're
gone.
Some of Our Favorite Questions
"Dr. Hal, is love an emotion that only humans have or do other species
have it also?"Governor Rocknar, a practicing SubGenius, submitted this
one for Valentine's Day. Well, Gov., only humans have human love. But
other species feel love in their own way. In the words of the
traditional song,
"O don't you hear that lonesome dove
That flies from vine to vine?
He's mourning for his own True Love
Just like I mourn for mine."
It is now believed, incidentally, that the cerebrum of a bird is like
that of a mammal. Complex behavior, like tool use, vocalization or
devoted, monogamous love, seen in the Greylag goose and other Avian
species, arises from the interaction between the higher and lower
regions of this brain, not in the same way, but to the same effect, as
it does in ours. The pejorative, "birdbrain," is just another example
of human-centric prejudice. I never use it. Happy Valentine's Day!
Boilerplate
"Ask Dr. Hal" is elastic, ecumenical, eclectic and electric, and has
even been known to be, in its way, erotic. Whatever it may be, it is
certainly open to all seekers and thirsters after Enlightenment.
Furthermore, special consultations and hands-on initiations are
available in private, particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile
females over the currently legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else,
including would-be prospective opening act performers, are asked to
present their resumes, life histories, astrological charts, nude
photos, sob stories, requests for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen, BVDs,
VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, CDs, DVDs and/or audition tapes directly
to warm-hearted "Chicken" John for evaluation. I am unable, owing to
serious demands on my time at present, to provide (shudder)
"relationship" advice, give off-the-cuff psychological analyses, advise
you in legal, medical or personal matters, critique your poetry,
artwork or the manuscript of your novel, or perform an impromptu
phrenological examination. Sorry, I must refrain from answering
questions when "off duty." This is a period and condition which begins
at the moment the show ends and regularly lasts until the beginning of
the next week's performance. I'm not kidding, don't come at me with
questions when it's not Wednesday and I'm not doing the show.
Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up, no shoving, room for
all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful, regretful, self-obsessed or
feeble-minded, nor for cranks, fanatics, crank addicts, hysterics,
epileptics, cataleptics, young, impressionable children or those who
are no longer children but are (too) easily shocked. Oneiromancy a
specialty. Some restrictions apply. Easy to play. Follow all
directions. Be the first on your block to attend. We provide an Oracle
of Truth; you provide the consequences. Available in other venues, and
for weddings, funerals, corporate entertainment retreats, secret
ceremonies, bar and bat mitzvahs. Scientific, educational. Healthful,
revivifying, nutritive. Take cum grano salis. Results may vary. Does
not (usually) stain clothing. No complicated machinery to buy. Anyone
can play. Fun for the whole family (if, that is, the whole family is of
legal drinking age). Pencils, envelopes, instruction booklets and
question slips provided free of charge. No pushy salesman will call.
Quotes the poets. Witty, bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem
Animal. Hypnotic and horrific. Reads tea leaves and t-shirts. Foretells
the future, casts spells, locates missing objects, heals, sickens,
communicates with the Spirit World, knows the Meaning of Life and the
secrets of human hearts in this world and the next. Will design your
tattoo. Available for Sex Magick. Bring your parents and loved ones. Do
not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals Past Lives and Life of the Past.
The most amazing thing seen anywhere, I kid you not. Bachelors and
cads, take notice: some of the most fetching (though crazy) women in
San Francisco regularly attend. A co-production of the Church of the
SubGenius. Dobbs Approved. Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads
the palm of the hand, reads by touch the bumps on the head and the
uncovered female body. Buy my horrid horror comic book, Grave Yarns.
Brought to you by Camel cigarettes (remember, They Are Mild-- "I'd Walk
a Mile for a Camel"), and by the Miracle Liquor Fernet Branca, proud
sponsor of the Ask Dr. Hal show since 2001. From now on until the dead
universe comes to its final rest at Absolute Zero, all questions
instantly and irrevocably become the property of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal
Robins, Chicken John, and Dr J. Chalk-choke Brainscan Productions. We
retain the right to reject inappropriate questions and eject
inappropriate questioners, abruptly, firmly, forcefully, gleefully and
at will. Attn. Mission drunks (or Bambi Lake): if you try to disrupt
our show, you will be "bounced." Although it is not strictly necessary
to pay to enjoy the performance, and payment will not ensure your
appreciation of the evening, all questions should ideally be submitted
in a regulation envelope containing an emolument to receive the fullest
possible consideration. The better (i.e. larger) the emolument, the
better (i.e. long-winded) the answer. A premium emolument precipitates
a "Bardic Recitation." For example, last week's show concluded with
Edward Gorey's immortal The Insect God. Brought down the house, too.
Too bad if you weren't there, eh? Of course, unpaid questions will be
answered, but in binary form by an assembled mob of magic 8-balls. The
new Sternbergh 8-ball can even speak its reply aloud. But if it's not a
"yes or no" question, this doesn't work very well, and tends to be
somewhat unsatisfying. Just the same, no refunds given or answers
guaranteed. You pay for it, you get it. No one religion or political
party endorsed. If you don't see what you want, ask. Time tested.
User-friendly. Preserved for Posterity. Written up in the weeklies.
Taped for TV. Quoted at parties. Remembered in dreams, re-run in your
nightmares. Astrally projected. Alive in Living Memory. Provides
automotive information. The subject of after-dinner anecdotes. Will pop
into your mind at unguarded moments. Are you really actually reading
this? You are? Good for you. We're not for everybody, but what is?
Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate our Freedom to laugh our heads
off at shows like this, so-- it's important-- at the next election,
vote them out of office. Impeachment is good, too. Get organized!
We're located in the fibrillating, palpitating Heart of the teeming
Deep Mission, fashionably below Cesar Chavez (the street, that is).
Read all instructions (provided) before participating. Drink
responsibly, but heavily. Robust alcohol consumption recommended for
full enjoyment. Support the Odeon; order a drink or two, for the love
of Mike, whoever he is. Some of us can't drink at all, remember. Boy,
do we wish we could. Perhaps we will, by and by. 'Bye. And buy my
book, won't you? The holidays are finally gone--but there are still
birthdays, and Valentine's Day will be on us in less than a week ...
--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB