When Rhedosaurs Attack Lighthouse Keepers!
Correspondent:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 11:49:37 -0500
--------
A MESSAGE FROM DR. HALTM
Volume IV,
No.6
March 2nd, 2005
"Ask Dr. Hal" Presents:
"When Rhedosaurs Attack Lighthouse Keepers!"
A Rare Hazard Posed by a Disgruntled and Disoriented Reptilian
Revenant Faces Lonely Men in a Remote Employment Venue
And Don't Come too Late to Enjoy our Astounding Opening Act--
Ted Schram, the Man What Am
An Odeon Favorite Returns, a-Strummin' and a-Pickin for Your
Delectation
THE DR. HAL REPORT
SPECIAL BUS RIDE EDITION
Bus Rides are cancelled in the event of indisposition of the driver
and/or over-wet weather, purely as a safety measure. The driver has
indicated the imminence of the bus ride; judgement about the actual
date of same must be made by the editor of The Dr. Hal Report in the
absence of unequivocal information and should be understood
accordingly. The Driver may, after exhausting himself with excursions
to Mexico or other realms, opt-out of the prospect of yet another haul
of patrons to a Recreational Opportunity; this is yet to be determined.
In the event of Nuclear War, or a wash-out owing to an excess of
precipitation 2 (two) days previous to the show or later, the
traditional beginning-of-the-month excursion to the bewildered bowling
alley may or may not be postponed to the next active session of Ask Dr.
Hal, depending entirely on showman "Chicken" John's temperament &
caprice. Your safety is of paramount importance to us, the Odeon Stock
Company & Management. Bus Plunges, overturns, explosions, railway
crossing right-of-way controversies, collisions with large semi-trailer
trucks or low-flying aircraft and other serious catastrophes may
significantly detract from the overall experience of "Ask Dr. Hal" and
are therefore avoided whenever possible.
C O N T E N T S :
ON THE BILL: A RAMPAGING RHEDOSAURUS; NOT RHOETOSAURUS; - TED SCHRAM
PROMISES "SCHRAMFEST" OF OPENING ACT; CHICKEN JOHN AND FOLLOWERS
RETURNING FROM MEXICAN PILGRIMAGE; BUS RIDE IS ODEON'S PRIDE - SOCIAL
NOTES: A CAPURRO-SHAPED CAVITY; PEE WEE'S BIG RETURN; NOSY NEWSHOUND
TO COVER A.D.H.; BOOKS, BOOKS, WE GOT BOOKS; MARCHING BAND RETURNS FROM
VEGAS; THE FLAG TEAM FLAUNTS IT AT XENODROME; LINE UP & SIGN UP -
UPCOMING EVENTS: ONGOING: K-ROB'S FILM FARM WILL SCREEN ULTRA-COOL DOC
FAST, CHEAP & OUT OF CONTROL; K.R. WILL ALSO SHOW VORTEX OF VERTIGINOUS
VIDEOS; TWO & A HALF GREAT RADIO SHOWS; RUSH OUT TO ROCOCCO RISQUE:
LIBERTIES TAKEN AT DANZHAUS; COMING SOON: WATCH FOR THE DELIGHT OF THE
DARK ROOM'S BAD MOVIE NIGHT; WILL FRANKEN STORMS THE PURPLE ONION;
COOKIE MONGOLOID HEADLINES AT 12 GALAXIES - ANNOUNCEMENT: LOST SOX &
HARD KNOX: MAKE TRAX TO BUY THE MEANING OF LOST AND MISMATCHED SOCKS;
NOW, AT LAST, YOU CAN COME RIGHT IN AND GET IT (THE BOOK, THAT IS)
DURING "DR. HAL" AT THE ODEON - ULTRA-RARE GOTHICK, GORY, GROTESQUE &
GREWSOME HIDEOUS MONSTER HILARIOUS HORROR COMIC BOOK ALSO FOR SALE:
ONLY A FEW LEFT - SOME OF OUR FAVORITE QUESTIONS: HOW NADAB AND ABIHU
OFFERED UP "STRANGE FIRE" UNTO THE LORD; WHAT IS MY LAWN MOWER TRYING
TO TELL ME?; WHY N0. 2S ARE N0. 1: THE INTERNATIONAL PENCIL NUMBERING
SYSTEM - DISCLAIMER
A Romantic Rhedosaurus Lashes Out...
Ladies and Gentlemen! Messieurs et Mesdames, meinen Damen und Herren,
Signore e Signori, Pani e Pane-- your attention, please! This Wednesday
night, the award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) "Ask Dr. Hal" show will
present a very special "featurette." It should come as no surprise to
our faithful audience that again we are displaying a tableau wherein a
gigantic prehistoric reptile attacks hapless humans. It wouldn't be the
Dr. Hal show without this beloved added attraction. But rarely has the
predicament of an outsized reptilian anachronism found so poignant an
expression as in the sequence K-Rob has produced for your edification
and enlightenment. Two men, lighthouse keepers, spending a night at
their lonely vigil, abruptly encounter a 200-ft. long Rhedosaur. And
he's fighting mad! You see, the enormous beast thinks the lighthouse,
jutting out on its promontory, is the neck of some other dinosaur. He
swims closer, throbbing with anticipation, and clambers up beside the
lighthouse-- only to scream in rage as realization sinks in that this
is just another damn object, and that he's utterly and completely
alone, out in the cold, the last of his kind in a world full of
baffling wrongness. Peering through the slit-like windows at the
astonished men within, the infuriated behemoth rears up and... but we
mustn't give the game away. This creature isn't, by the way, to be
confused with the giant dinosaur Rhoetosaurus, though it's pronounced
almost exactly the same. Just for the record, Rhoetosaurus longmani
was an Antipodal sauropod from the middle Jurassic period, some 180-175
million years ago. The Rhedosaurus is quite different, a gigantic
Rynchocephalian like the Tuatara or Sphenodon, an ancient order of
reptiles. Intriguingly, Rhedosaurs evolved into sauropodomorphs, though
not into true sauropods, which these descendants resemble through
evolutionary convergence. Unfortunately, the foremost authority on this
species, the late Dr. Thurgood Elson, perished in a mysterious diving
bell "accident" before giving paleontology an explanation of the
linkage between these taxons. Aside from all this, remember that
tonight's caustic parable of reptilian yearning and revenge-- part of
our bill at the "Ask Dr. Hal" show this upcoming Wednesday night, March
2nd at the Odeon, San Francisco's Variety Arts Showcase at 3223 Mission
St. at Valencia, is all courtesy of the master movie archivist, K-Rob
(see the section about K-Rob's Film Farm below), and just one small
fractal fragment of the totality to be experienced at our unique and
well-travelled night club show; once more we bring its unusual brand of
conviviality and information to an outré but receptive audience. You're
invited to join them this week, when the evening begins to the
plaintive strains of the strummed strings and vocal stylings of Ted
Schram. The last time Ted played for us was in November of last year
(See The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. III, No.6). He is a tuneful crooner, a
swooner the ladies yearn for. Schram fans (who call themselves
"Schramheads") follow him from appearance to appearance, screaming his
name, offering him their bodies and pledging their newborn children.
...and then, a Bus Ride caps the evening!
Or maybe not. But probably. These things always happen on the first Dr.
Hal performance date of each month; therefore it (the Bus Bounce)
traditionally should take place. Yet it should be considered that
perhaps Chicken John might not have adequately decompressed, as we say,
after driving those Mexican trippers, the so-called Chickenauts, all
the way down into Baja California and back (except for Kaosmic Kitty,
now re-named Kaosmex Kitty, who isn't coming back-- she likes it so
well down there that she's staying behind, soaking in hot springs and
petting whales, she says). Anyway, it'll just be two days since the
whole road trip, and it's just possible that Chicken might not quite
feel like logging more miles driving the entire Odeon audience to a
bowling alley in a 1968 GMC motor coach with an 8-cylinder Diesel
engine, a 3-speed automatic Allison tranny and no power steering. I can
make no guar-an-tee. But I, Dr. Howland Owll, can promise that during
the course of our entirely interactive presentation, each and every one
of your questions shall be answered. A memorable time will be had by
all. Just think-- we've got movies, gags, Mystery Guests and
mind-pelting Special Effects. We've got a Monster Reptile of the
Mesozoic Period lambasting a lighthouse and its luckless staff. We've
got Ted Schram, whose melodious warblings vibrate and pulsate with the
ineluctable ineffable. We have the repatriated and, it is to be hoped,
the revitalized Chicken; and we have the great K-Rob, the Largest in
Captivity. And-- Oh golly, gee!
IT'S ALL COMPLETELY FREE!
It's true! We offer no cover, no charge to those demimondaines who
rendezvous at the Odeon to take in our show, despite all the
irreplaceable, precious time, quite a bit of it, in fact, we spend in
the "pre-lim," getting it all ready just for you. See for yourself-- or
just come in for a tête-à-tête with your date or mate, in a comfortable
hangout hideaway we provide. Discretion we wield, and our lips will be
sealed. Of course, your "assignation" still just might show up later in
The Dr. Hal Report (and from there to tribe.net) as a sizzling hot item
in the next section, the section called...
Social Notes
Phoenix co-hosted the Hal show, ably filling the absent Chicken John's
gunboats. However, David Capurro, the well-known Yo-yo pro, wasn't
there last Wednesday. February 23rd, as it happens, is Y.Y.P.'s
birthday, for which the Hal show is an inappropriate venue. In his
absence, Jascha Ephraim (pronounced F-rum) expertly flicked the
switches and twiddled the toggles to provide Internet illustrations to
my meandering musings. Eric Cash was the opening act on the bill,
providing magic, mirth and mayhem. Naturally, many of our dear friends
were absent, far from home on the Odeon Mexican Odyssey. Still, I was
gratified to see many sympathetic faces, including Tarin Towers,
Therese, David Kaye, and those social butterflies Kate Osborne and Kai
Miller, who professed their love for Paul Reubens, a.k.a. Pee-Wee
Herman. These sentiments are elevated and correct. And it may be of
some interest to note here that at this moment, as I have been informed
by an Unimpeachable Source, PEE WEE'S COMING BACK! And he's got TWO
MOVIES in the pipe! Something to look forward to. Michael Peppe,
a..k.a. Bubba Free Im-Ho-Pep, made a rare appearance at the O.... MSNBC
pioneer Suzanne Stefanec sat at a table with newswoman Lessley
Anderson. On the Q.T., just between you and me and the gatepost, yet
another nosy newshound is ready to give us some coverage. Ink, pixels
or radio waves? I won't blow her cover, natch, but I will let on as
how last week I persuaded her to come and do her piece next week, for
the full Chicken/David Capurro/(possible) bowling experience... Duncan
D'nuts facilitated Odeon sales of my book (see below)-- yes, you can
still get 'em there-- Alex O'Leary was in the house, a real gent... And
I couldn't miss Josh the Orange Box Man if I tried, not that usually
I'd want to... Harlan, Ben, Big Daddy, artist and stage performer
Krista Bray, Stacey Irvine, counting down to her birthday next month,
blushing bride Jenny Jo, and even Seth Maxwell Malice took in the show.
Some Galoot actually had the Chutzpah to ask Dr. Hal, "Is Ena nice?"
There are people who, we have to say, are so out of it... As the
evening grew later, more patrons came in, among them the redoubtable
Odeon Cocaine All-Stare drummer Chris Campbell, and then a flurry of
Xtra Action Marching Band stalwarts, including Simon, shipwright of
fabled galleon La Contessa, and Mateo, the Baudelaire of the
Bullhorn... Chic Kelek still had her luggage in tow. They had all just
then returned from Vegas, where they did a show with David Byrne. It
was the same show they did the next Saturday night at the Fillmore West
with Mr. Byrne. I went to the (extremely) late-nite afterparty at
Xenodrome, where in addition to fab faves Loop Station and The Japonize
Elephants I took in the riotous, ecstatic and Dionysian Marching Band
in all its luster and glory. So did Mr. Byrne, transfixed as we all
were by the event and the radiant Flag Team. Their synchronized
undulations were a fabulous sight to remember for a lifetime,
particularly Kelek and Ena, "wearing" only tiny silver spangles, moving
their smooth bodies eloquently in their practiced routines... must stop
typing now and... er, go get a drink of water... There! That was
refreshing. Anyway, please print your name on K-Rob's Sign-up sheet to
receive mention here. It's fastened to the front of the stage, where
the pitcher is for a while, with Scotch tape. "Is Ena nice," indeed.
That guy-- what a bumpkin.
Special Feature: SEE the Ask Dr. Hal Show-- Right Now! Just for those
Dr. Hal Show fans who may be distressed that they must wait until March
2nd to see it all, The Dr. Hal Report now provides some relief-- the
opportunity, thanks to Laughing Squid's Master Tentacle Scott Beale, to
view (images of) the show in all its glory. Check out Scott's photos by
following this link:
http://laughingsquid.org/photos/dr_hal_021605/
Upcoming Events
Here are some of the must-see hot tickets for the near future, a gluey
gumbo of related happenings steaming and stewing in the same savory
sauces as are we, presented as a public service by the Dr. Hal Report,
which is responsible for all accuracy or factual errors from the
following:
Ongoing
"K-Rob's Thursday Night Film Farm" -- K-Rob the Great is, among other
things, a showman and exhibitor. He's often proved it at the Odeon with
his dynamic displays of Video Editing, and separately at such far flung
venues as, say, the deeply troubling "SubGenius" 3-Day & Night Outdoor
Movie Festival and Clothes-Optional Boot Camp-- remember that? back in
May of last year (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. I, No. 11). How the time
fries... And watch for notice of another one of these fulsome cinematic
endurance contests the same perpetrators could well be plotting to put
on now that the Spring has sprung... Sproing! Anyhoo, each Thursday,
K-Rob's now running an Odeon Cinema series. And.. it's FREE, FREE,
FREE! Cm'on-- when even daytime matinees in this tormented town cost,
at best, a painful, wallet-lightening $7.50, where else can you go for
a free frickin' movie? Not to mention that you can hang out with both
bon vivant K-Rob and easy-on-the-eyes Ena, and order hard liquor, an
amenity most theaters are usually reluctant to pour out with the
popcorn. Each K-Rob movie program starts at 7:00 PM and runs through
9:00 PM, and includes trailers, short subjects, cartoons, the whole
Enchilada Mucho Grueso. This week it's Fast, Cheap & Out of Control
(1996). Directed by Errol Morris, the picture features the interwoven
stories of a robot designer, a wild animal trainer, a topiary gardener
and a naked mole rat expert. Sound interesting? Well, this isn't some
whimsical story cooked up by a Hollywood hack scriptwriter. This is a
documentary and these people are all too real. As Matthew F. Griffin
has written, this motion picture "interplays, overlaps, and
interrelates these four separate and highly specialized... subjects in
order to in truth study [sic] all of humanity, raising questions about
the future of mankind." Really, isn't it about time you started coming
to these?
"Puzzling Evidence" -- For more than twenty years, this Church of the
SubGenius-affiliated radio show has been on the air on KPFA 94.1 FM;
its current time slot is 3-5 AM Friday mornings (you might consider it
late Thursday nights as we often do). I, Dr. Howland Owll appear along
with Dr. Philo Drummond (visit his website at
http://www.quiveringbrain.com ) and
on-board bored board operator Puzzling Evidence himself (The "Tash").
Sometimes K-Rob joins us, sometimes other Mystery Guests. All Talk, No
Rock. Deranged "edits" segue into a cascade of echoing glossolaliac
madness, the voicing of lyric ruminations from the free-falling brains
of disintegrating personalities. And some people, demented individuals,
obsessively record every word and squealing sound effect. Of course,
you may just hate it. But maybe not. After all, lovely Kelek Stevenson
told me she listens to our low-life antics, our japes and jocularities.
I can think of no better reason for doing the show. So there. And, if
you're up, why not give it a try? Maybe you could even, you know, call
in (after 4:00 AM) at (510) 848-4425..."
"Radio KROB" -- Yes, the enigma known as K-Rob can still be heard at a
much, much more accessible time, now on Fridays, 10 PM to Midnight on
SF Liberation Radio (webcast only), still going strong, when he'll
elevate you with his unique brand of "elevator music," (an elitist
pleasure) and now on Saturdays, 6PM to Midnight on Pirate Cat Radio
87.9 FM for what he calls stimulus regression programming. Excelsior!
K.R., broadcasting from the always-innovative Dark Room Theatre,
promises to play some of his MP3-recorded "mixes" you may have missed
at our other shows, all you Dr. Hal attendees. If you can stand to
smell the smoke, see the flames, and hear the cannon's roar, this is
the show for you. Go ahead, tune in, K-Rob fans-- see what all the
shouting is about.
"Rococo Risqué: Liberties Taken--" The Red Gate Performance
Collective's 5th Biannual Flagship Show, opening February 11th! Playing
1 more weekend (Friday and Saturday) March 4th & 5th, at Danzhaus, 1275
Connecticut St. (at Cesar Chavez) San Francisco, California. It's
between U.S. 101 and 280, serviced by the #19 Muni coach. Enjoying the
Rebirth of Burlesque? Prepare for a torrent of Girls, Gags & Glamour.
"Lady Liberty herself finally gets down from her pedestal to present a
cabaret styled in the great tradition of the USO.' Now, thanks to the
miraculous technological advances pioneered by Dr. Herbert Kerbers,
this epochal entertainment will be transmitted live, directly to the
hearts and minds of the world's civilian population, as well as
broadcast to our finely fatigued friends across the globe," writes
to-die-for Chanteuse Ariela Morgenstern, whom, lucky you, you can see
and hear at this gig. Note to wolves: ALL these women are not only
frighteningly talented but also gorgeous. Burlesque, Balladry,
Bush-bashing-- what's not to like? Doors open at 7:00 PM; Show proper
starts at 8:00. The price for a night in Paradise: $10.00 from
www.rococorisque.com.
...or at the door, $15.00. Be a part of this historic Cabaret moment.
Tell 'em Dr. Hal sent you...
One Night Only
Will Franken at the Purple Onion -- Thursday, March 3rd, 9:00 PM-10:00
PM. At The Purple Onion, 140 Columbus Avenue at Pacific right up there
in swingin' North Beach. Dodge tourists and strip-show touts to go see
this outstanding comic performer headline at the second coolest club in
town. Hosting will be Jacob Sirof; also featured will be Michael
Capozzola. Come witness Will in all his myriad manifestations for one
whole hour as he frolics from character to character, scene to scene,
spanning the arc from absurd whimsy to poignant social satire. See him
as the yoga instructor Paul Gehepnehebahari Ganesh who will teach you
the basics of Shaktihenniyanna Yoga. See him as the easily flustered
drug counselor who tells the story of the five-year-old girl who asked
her daddy if she could go to a rave and didn't come home until seven
years later. See him as the Russian immigrant Vladimir Tereschenko who
will explain the five things that women love: money, clothes,
reputation, animals, and gay men. Take a trip with the Old Testament
God as he inhabits the body of a white-trash redneck and goes to
McDonald's to complain about pickles on his cheeseburger. See Will
Franken as all of the above--and even more. Show begins at 9:00 PM
sharp; doors open at 8:00. The cost? A preposterously insignificant
$10.00! For more information, we suggest you consult
www.willfranken.com or pick up the telephone-- it won't kill you not to
use the damn computer for once-- and dial (415) 794-7057.
Cookie Mongoloid at 12 Galaxies -- Saturday, March 5th at 12 Galaxies,
2565 Mission between 21st & 22nd. Time: UNKNOWN (but probably around
the usual time you might reasonably expect a band to start playing in a
club). Admission: NOT GIVEN (but probably not excessive). The ultimate
power band, a unique synthesis of DEVO- styled rock 'n roll angst and
the incandescent desire of a plush-covered, bug-eyed hairy monster
puppet for the supreme icon of comfort and satisfaction-- a cookie, and
perhaps more cookies. Get all the information you need by calling the
club at (415) 970-9777, or from wearemongoloid.com
Coming Soon
"Bad Movie Night" -- At The Dark Room Theatre, Mission St. between 18th
& 19th, S.F. Sundays at 8PM, starting March 27th-- continuing Sundays
through April (3rd, 10th, 17th, 24th) Remember TV's Mystery Science
Theatre? The show where they ran those awful cheesy science fiction
movies and had a bunch of jokers seen in silhouette commenting on them
all through the picture? Sure you do. It was great fun, kind of like
watching badfilm with your own wise-guy friends... Well, now the
always-innovative Dark Room Theatre is going to provide just that
experience-- Ty plans to screen a rancid classic each week, and sure
enough there'll be a group of wiseacres in the front row yakking it up
on the microphone to add to the general hilarity. But let her tell it:
"Here's the deal-- I have a list of bad movies from the home office in
Flint, MI-- and we'll screen one a week and four of us will host, which
means we sit in the front row of the audience and wisecrack into the
mic. We hope this will encourage the audience to join in. Popcorn and
snacks will be provided. And the hosts even get paid! This will be a
weekly event if we can get it rolling, and we're committed to paying
the hosts even if no one shows, which of course won't happen. I'm
figuring we'll get a rotating roster of about 10 peeps and schedule 3-4
hosts per show. Compensation will come in the way of 2 comps per host
and at least $15-$20 a night per host, more depending on the door. I'm
also thinking that the flick could be available to those who wish to
preview it for notes and ideas. However, you are welcome to wing it. So
come on and give it a try, it won't cost us nuthin' and we'll all have
some laffs. If you are interested in participating, please plan to
attend one of the two following meetings: Tuesday, March 22nd or
Wednesday, March 23rd, at 7:00 PM. Drop us an e-mail and let us know
which of the Sunday show dates you would like to perform in: March
27th, April 3rd, April 10th, April 17th or April 24th." For more,
contact Dark Room Honcho Jim Fourniadis at
jim@darkroomsf.com or that well-known
troublemaker Ty at ty@darkroomsf.com
High-Flown Literary Announcement
I guess you all know by now that I, Dr. Hal, have written a book. It's
called The Meaning of Lost and Mismatched Socks, and its publisher is
Frog, Ltd. (North Atlantic Books). Perhaps you've paid attention to
these announcements and already know this. But now I'm happy to
proclaim that for a trial period which started last week, Duncan D'nuts
is helping me to be able to sell it at the Odeon! I personally will
sell you a copy and, if you choose, autograph and inscribe each one.
We'll see how it works out. This thing was devised, penned, indexed,
and packed with illustrations by Yours Truly under the nom de plume of
Dr. Perditus Pedale, M.D., Ph.D., but don't be fooled: it's really me.
Now, in this book, I finally answer a question originally put to me at
"The Wizard of Ass" out in the desert some years ago under the stars of
Black Rock, as Chicken reminded me in 2004. You see, I eventually do
get around to answering all questions; with certain of these it just
takes me longer, as in this case. Warning: this book costs a cool
$9.95, but all books are expensive these days-- I can't help that.
However, I'd hate to have written a "squaresville" book that didn't
sell, for that would sully my already violated & ravaged reputation
even further. So, Dr. Hal fans, if you really are out there, for
Dobbs's sake go ahead and prove it, why don't you, by stepping right up
and getting this book directly from me. And if you like it, you might
want to get my next book, Dinosaur Alphabet (which I ought to be
working on right now instead of writing this, now in endless-seeming
preparation). But first things first. Acquire Lost Socks from me
personally at the bar. Or do it the hard(er) way-- order it from
somewhere else and bring it to the bar-- ISBN number 1-58394-097-9,
paperback (but the dinosaur book, which I'm working on now, will be a
hardback, when I get it finished-- I'm aiming for the Fall 2005
season-- wish me luck!). Also available in many bookstores, I suppose
(on my Hallowe'en trip to N.Y.C. I saw they were carrying it at
Shakespeare & Co.), and on amazon.com. The profit margin will be slim,
but we'll see how it all works out. Help an impoverished author (that's
me) this leeched-out pre-Easter season. I'm going to have to sell an
enormous mountain-high pile of these for my royalties to kick in; I
have a truly terrible deal with the publisher. I guess I need an agent.
Remember, buy it at the bar and I'll sign it, exponentially increasing
its value. That's a promise. Also, I still have a few copies of my
grisly EC-style Horror Comic Book, Grave Yarns, which I drew in 1999,
left to sell at $8 a pop (cheap, considering the scarcity). I can
autograph those, too-- but when they're gone, they're gone. Of course,
you can still get them from the publisher, but what good does that do
me?
Some of Our Favorite Questions
"Dr. Hal, what priests in the Bible were killed because they offered
'strange fire' to the Lord?" (Asked 5/21/03) Well now. It seems that
those two boys were Nadab and Abihu. Yep. They were the sons of Aaron,
and of course Aaron he was Moses's right hand man. A very serious
business. You didn't mess around with that Old Testament God. No sir.
When I think of what all you young'uns're up to, it sometime puts me in
mind o' the story of Abihu, and that other one, that Nadab. Beware, Jim
Mason! Mark well my words! It's all in the Book of Numbers, Chapter
Three, Verse Four.
"Dr. Hal, I think my lawn mower is sending me messages. Since it
doesn't have a battery like a car does, then where does the electricity
to spark the spark plug come from?" (Personal communication) Most
small lawn mowers, chain saws, trimmers and other small gasoline
engines require no battery. Instead, they generate the power for the
spark plug by using a magneto. Magnetos are also used on many small
airplanes-- because they're extremely reliable. Now, the idea behind
any ignition system is to generate an extremely high voltage, on the
order of 20,000 volts -- at exactly the right time. This is Power Tool
Drag Racing kind of stuff. The voltage causes a spark to jump across
the spark plug's gap, and the spark ignites the fuel in the engine. In
a magneto, a strong magnet is moved past a coil of wire to generate
electricity. In your case, the leaking electric pulses through the
handle of your mower deliver the so-called "messages" in sympathetic
resonance to the sinusoidal nature of your nervous system experienced
as feedback to the brain. It happens when within the magneto, a
magnetic field having been generated in the armature, inducing current
in the primary and secondary coil, and now reaching its maximum, a
switch in the electronic control unit opens. This breaks the flow of
current through the primary coil and causes a voltage spike of,
perhaps, 200 volts (I'm not familiar with the specific anatomy of your
mower). At this instant the secondary coil, having 100 times more turns
than the primary coil, which it's wrapped around, amplifies this
voltage, in one tremendous surge, to 20,000 volts-- and this voltage
feeds to the spark plug. Of course, in your case you are indeed, as you
have accurately suspected, receiving esoteric communications in this
fashion, though I won't elaborate here. Just follow the instructions I
gave you, and all may be well.
"Dr. Hal, what makes No. 2 pencils so damn special, and why aren't they
No. 1?" (Asked 8/11/04) The No. 2 is definitely No. 1 in the pencil
market. A staple in schools and workplaces everywhere, it's the
required writing utensil for Scantron tests across the globe. And it
really is the best pencil. No. 2s use medium-weight graphite, which
makes them the ideal pencils for general writing. Pencils are numbered
according to the International Pencil Numbering System Concordat. This
number system was established more than 200 years ago by the great 18th
Century pencil maker (Fabricateur de Crayons) Nicholas-Jacques Conte.
Monsieur Conte created the number system based on pencilian hardness:
the higher the number, the harder the graphite. We've been using it
ever since. Of course, No. 1s are useful, or were, in pre-computer
times, for recording bowling scores. Now they are relegated to relative
oblivion like the buggy whip and the ear trumpet. Come bowl with us, if
we do indeed bowl, and peg out your score on the damned digital
machines. See you there!
Boilerplate
"Ask Dr. Hal" is elastic, ecumenical, eclectic and electric, and has
even been known to be, in its way, erotic in its ultimate
ramifications, a good side-benefit of the show for me personally.
Whatever it may be, it is certainly open to all seekers and thirsters
after Enlightenment, except for the ones Chicken John permanently boots
out of the bar. Furthermore, special consultations and hands-on
initiations are available in private, particularly for well-knit,
gracile, nubile females over the currently legal drinking age of 21.
Everybody else, including all would-be prospective opening act
performers, is asked to present his or her resume, life history,
astrological chart, nude photos, sob stories, requests for handouts,
X-rays, dirty linen, BVDs (see above), VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels,
CDs, DVDs and/or audition tapes directly to warm-hearted "Chicken"
John for evaluation when he is available. I am unable, owing to serious
demands on my time at present, to provide (shudder) "relationship"
advice, give off-the-cuff psychological analyses, advise you in legal,
medical or personal matters, critique your poetry, artwork or the
manuscript of your novel, or perform an impromptu phrenological
examination. Sorry, I must refrain from answering questions when "off
duty." This is a period and condition which begins at the moment the
show ends and regularly lasts until the beginning of the next week's
performance. I'm not kidding, don't come at me with questions when it's
not Wednesday and I'm not doing the show. Otherwise, all are most
welcome. Step right up, no shoving, room for all. Not for the fearful,
tearful, fretful, regretful, self-obsessed or feeble-minded, nor for
cranks, fanatics, crank addicts, hysterics, epileptics, cataleptics,
young, impressionable children or those who are no longer children but
are (too) easily shocked. Oneiromancy a specialty. Some restrictions
apply. Easy to play. Follow all directions. Be the first on your block
to attend. We provide an Oracle of Truth; you provide the consequences.
Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals, corporate
entertainment retreats, secret ceremonies, bar and bat mitzvahs.
Scientific, educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive. Take cum
grano salis. Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain clothing. Never
ask me, if I don't want to be involved in some project of yours, if the
reason is that I have "some problem" with you "personally--" it might
be true. No complicated machinery to buy. Anyone can play. Fun for the
whole family (if, that is, the whole family is of legal drinking age).
Pencils, envelopes, instruction booklets and question slips provided
free of charge. No pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets. Witty,
bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem Animal. Hypnotic and horrific.
Reads tea leaves and t-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells,
locates missing objects, heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit
World, knows the Meaning of Life and the secrets of human hearts in
this world and the next. Will design your tattoo. Available for Sex
Magick, though at times barely able to function sexually. Bring your
parents and loved ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals Past
Lives and Life of the Past. The most amazing thing seen anywhere, I
kid you not. Performed each week in former "Clamper" Headquarters, and
haunted by their spirits. Bachelors and cads, take notice: some of the
most fetching (though crazy) women in San Francisco regularly attend. A
co-production of the Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs Approved.
Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of the hand, reads
by touch the bumps on the head and the contours of the uncovered female
body. Buy my horrid horror comic book, Grave Yarns, if you like giant
spiders, crumbling skulls, improbable repulsive monsters, re-animated
walking corpses, the Vengeance of the Dead-- that sort of thing.
Brought to you by Camel cigarettes (remember, They Are Mild-- "I'd Walk
a Mile for a Camel"), and by the Miracle Liquor Fernet Branca, proud
sponsor of the Ask Dr. Hal show since 2001 A.D. From now on until The
Book of Life is opened when the Assembled Dead stand Naked before the
Throne of God for Final Judgement, all questions instantly and
irrevocably become the property of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal Robins, Chicken
John, and Robchick-hal and Chojarshke Productions. We reserve the
right to refuse service to you and your kin, reject inappropriate
questions and eject inappropriate questioners, abruptly, firmly,
forcefully, gleefully and at will. Attn. Mission drunks (or Bambi
Lake): if you try to disrupt our show, you will be "bounced." Although
it is not strictly necessary to pay to enjoy the performance, and
payment will not ensure your appreciation of the evening, all questions
should ideally be submitted in a regulation envelope containing an
emolument to receive the fullest possible consideration. The better
(i.e. larger) the emolument, the better (i.e. long-winded) the answer.
A premium emolument precipitates a so-called "Bardic Recitation." For
example, last week's show concluded with my interpretation of T.S.
Eliot's immortal "Gus, the Theatrical Cat" from Old Possum's Book of
Practical Cats. Too bad if you weren't there, eh? Of course, unpaid
questions will be answered, but in binary form by an assembled mob of
magic 8-balls. I'm getting more of these donated all the time. The new
Sternbergh 8-ball can even speak its reply aloud. But if it's not a
"yes or no" question, this type of answer frankly doesn't work very
well, and tends to be somewhat unsatisfying. Just the same, no refunds
given or answers guaranteed. You pay for it, you get it. No one
religion or political party endorsed. And if you don't see what you
want, just ask. Time tested. User-friendly. Preserved for Posterity.
Written up in the weeklies. Taped for TV. Quoted at parties. Rough on
Rats. Remembered in dreams, re-run in your nightmares. Astrally
projected. Alive in Living Memory. Provides automotive information. The
subject of after-dinner anecdotes. Will pop into your mind at unguarded
moments. Better than "The Playboy Advisor," and certainly cheaper. Are
you really actually reading this? You are? Good for you. At least
somebody is. We're obviously not for everybody, but then, as R. Crumb
said, not everything's for children-- not everything's for everybody.
Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate our Freedom to laugh our heads
off at shows like this, so-- it's important-- at the next election,
vote them out of office this time. Impeachment is good, too. Get
organized! We're located in the fluttering, fibrillating, palpitating
Heart of the teeming Deep Mission, fashionably below Cesar Chavez (the
street, that is). Read all instructions (provided) before
participating. Drink responsibly, but heavily. Robust alcohol
consumption recommended for full enjoyment. Support the Odeon; order a
drink or two, for the love of Mike, whoever he is. Some of us can't
drink at all, remember. Boy! Do we wish we could. Perhaps we will, by
and by. 'Bye. And buy my book, won't you? It's easy-- just come to the
club. They were there last time and they'll be there this time...
--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB