"Bob"'s D.U.I. ! (TRR Rant for 2/27/05)
Correspondent:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 24 Feb 2005 16:05:40 -0800
--------
"Third Rail Radio" Update:
Well, I got me a nerd to look at my computer, which apparently has more
viruses than this chick named Amanda that I work with who'll gladly
trade oral sex for herion, SO I'M TOLD.
(ahem)
So, since posting it on a.b.s. is unlikely in the near future until he
can get it cleared up, here's a copy of one of the rants I have planned
for this week's show. Nowhere near as long as the last one, promise.
--------LINE O' RANT----------
There was once this dirty old SubGenius, horrible man, went by the
moniker of Dr. Legume. They used to say that his soul was so twisted
and vile that it looked like a scorpion with a human head, they did.
And a long time ago, so long that nobody who was there even cares
anymore, he said something that kind of made my ears perk up.
"It is far better to be a speeding car than to be a blind man crossing
against the light."
That's right, and THIS CHURCH is THAT CAR, and THEREFORE, the DRIVER is
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs! And guess who's been DRINKING?
(next read all as one sentence)
And "Bob" is BARRELING down that road, swerving this way and that, he's
up on the SIDEWALK now, knocking over MAILBOXES and STOP SIGNS, people
and dogs are making SPECTACULAR leaps to dive from the path of this
PERFECT ENGINE OF MAYHEM, they're all screaming bloody freaking murder,
"Bob" looks like he's laughing and crying at the same time, yelling
something like "Les see that sombitch cum'ver here and say that ta my
FACE, and THEN we'll see whoda BIG MAN is.", then he chucks a kicked 40
oz of Old English at some old lady, pops her right in the bean, drops
her like a rock, 4 way interesction at the bottom of this little hill
here, the bad one all the locals call a "death trap", HERE COMES "BOB",
RIPPING UP THE ASPHALT in that BEAUTIFUL MACHINE that IS THIS CHRUCH,
1957 Candy Apple Red Chevy Convertible with orange flames running up
the side that he calls "Christine", tricked out the bling-bling rims,
and the ghetto sound system, hydraulics, fuzzy dice, hulla girl,
chain-link steering wheel and a THE SKULL OF A PINK on the top of the
GEAR SHIFT, HAULIN' ASS, approaching the LAND SPEED RECORD in a 35
zone, light up ahead is red, might as well be purple to "Bob", he ain't
even looking, and what's that up ahead?
An old blind man, wearing a T-Shirt with a picture of THIS PLANNET on
it to further illustrate the metaphor! And that "Bob" and THIS CHURCH
are moments away, nay, mere SECONDS, now, from a COLLISION that will
result in "Blues Brothers" levels of twisted metal and broken glass and
SHEER DESTRUCTION, that's what you're gonna GET come July 5th 1998,
X-Day! You'll bleed from your COLON and you'll BEG FOR MORE if you
ain't right with "Bob".
Now, you can either WATCH the wreck from a safe distance in a hammock
with a martini and a fine cigar getting brains from an alien sex
goddess, OR you can be that blind man, blithely wandering about,
tapping with your cane, having no idea you're about to get LEVELED BY
"BOB".
But there is HOPE, kids, we MUST give you HOPE, if only to have
something to CRUSH at the right time! Think of this show as the sound
of that CHRUCH CAR'S STEREO, a warning of our approach! Sounds
something like this:
(music cue)
-------------END O' RANT LINE-------------
Correspondent:: "Rev Chain Smerker"
Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 00:23:02 GMT
--------
"Paul Casino" wrote in message
news:1109289940.807218.90850@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
> "Third Rail Radio" Update:
>
> Well, I got me a nerd to look at my computer, which apparently has more
> viruses than this chick named Amanda that I work with who'll gladly
> trade oral sex for herion, SO I'M TOLD.
>
> (ahem)
>
> So, since posting it on a.b.s. is unlikely in the near future until he
> can get it cleared up, here's a copy of one of the rants I have planned
> for this week's show. Nowhere near as long as the last one, promise.
>
> --------LINE O' RANT----------
>
> There was once this dirty old SubGenius, horrible man, went by the
> moniker of Dr. Legume. They used to say that his soul was so twisted
> and vile that it looked like a scorpion with a human head, they did.
> And a long time ago, so long that nobody who was there even cares
> anymore, he said something that kind of made my ears perk up.
>
> "It is far better to be a speeding car than to be a blind man crossing
> against the light."
>
> That's right, and THIS CHURCH is THAT CAR, and THEREFORE, the DRIVER is
> J.R. "Bob" Dobbs! And guess who's been DRINKING?
>
> (next read all as one sentence)
>
> And "Bob" is BARRELING down that road, swerving this way and that, he's
> up on the SIDEWALK now, knocking over MAILBOXES and STOP SIGNS, people
> and dogs are making SPECTACULAR leaps to dive from the path of this
> PERFECT ENGINE OF MAYHEM, they're all screaming bloody freaking murder,
> "Bob" looks like he's laughing and crying at the same time, yelling
> something like "Les see that sombitch cum'ver here and say that ta my
> FACE, and THEN we'll see whoda BIG MAN is.", then he chucks a kicked 40
> oz of Old English at some old lady, pops her right in the bean, drops
> her like a rock, 4 way interesction at the bottom of this little hill
> here, the bad one all the locals call a "death trap", HERE COMES "BOB",
> RIPPING UP THE ASPHALT in that BEAUTIFUL MACHINE that IS THIS CHRUCH,
> 1957 Candy Apple Red Chevy Convertible with orange flames running up
> the side that he calls "Christine", tricked out the bling-bling rims,
> and the ghetto sound system, hydraulics, fuzzy dice, hulla girl,
> chain-link steering wheel and a THE SKULL OF A PINK on the top of the
> GEAR SHIFT, HAULIN' ASS, approaching the LAND SPEED RECORD in a 35
> zone, light up ahead is red, might as well be purple to "Bob", he ain't
> even looking, and what's that up ahead?
>
> An old blind man, wearing a T-Shirt with a picture of THIS PLANNET on
> it to further illustrate the metaphor! And that "Bob" and THIS CHURCH
> are moments away, nay, mere SECONDS, now, from a COLLISION that will
> result in "Blues Brothers" levels of twisted metal and broken glass and
> SHEER DESTRUCTION, that's what you're gonna GET come July 5th 1998,
> X-Day! You'll bleed from your COLON and you'll BEG FOR MORE if you
> ain't right with "Bob".
>
> Now, you can either WATCH the wreck from a safe distance in a hammock
> with a martini and a fine cigar getting brains from an alien sex
> goddess, OR you can be that blind man, blithely wandering about,
> tapping with your cane, having no idea you're about to get LEVELED BY
> "BOB".
>
> But there is HOPE, kids, we MUST give you HOPE, if only to have
> something to CRUSH at the right time! Think of this show as the sound
> of that CHRUCH CAR'S STEREO, a warning of our approach! Sounds
> something like this:
>
> (music cue)
>
> -------------END O' RANT LINE-------------
>
Thats pretty-darned good, but ive heard the best Preachers/Ranters just get
there balls shaved by drunk arogotangs before a good rant and do it pretty
much off the cuff
Correspondent:: "Paul Casino"
Date: 24 Feb 2005 16:31:07 -0800
--------
I gotta work my way up to that, I'm still a grasshopper. And besides,
my nuts are already shaven, Nenslo pays ME good money for the privelage
to do it himself.