"Constantine"
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 04:24:32 GMT
--------
Okay, so its basically a near-potboiler film take of a supernatural
fantasy based on the DC Comics character, whom the producers foolishly
made American rather than English so they could have the draw of Keanu,
who basically plays Keanu again.
Its biggest flaw is that its oozing that same gawdamned threadbare
Catholic boogeyman crap. You know, the one where God is schizophrenic
and loves you so much that if you don't toe the line, He'll take you,
one of His beloved children and a part of Himself, throw you into a pit
of fire and unremitting horror for Eternity, just to show you who is
Boss? Yeah, that's the one! Pfui.
Its a fun popcorn flick for one viewing, if you're in the mood for such
fare, but of course, it damned well doesn't touch the hem of Kurosawa,
Kubrick or even David Lean. I guess it got an R rating because it has
Religion-based violence; there weren't a single titty in sight, boooo.
One thing's for sure: it just drives home even further the reasons the
Catholic Church can't get fresh blood into seminary schools and the
remaining nuns are all 75 going on 150, namely beliefs and attitudes so
puckered, polar bears can hear the ass-squeaks of the faithful in BOSTON
as they try to figure out why their stomping grounds of last year are
breaking off in chunks and floating towards Miami.
I went partly because I long ago got hooked on the main character, who
really got his best boost from the venerable Alan Moore during his run
on "Swamp Thing", as well as some great handling by Jamie Delano in the
long-running title "Hellblazer." The special effects have a few amusing
moments, but nothing you haven't seen before. Its as if the industry is
struggling to find the next great "Dodge-Bullets-The-Matrix-Way" effect
so "The Simpsons" can officially drive a stake through it with a snarky
reference.
Rachel Weisz plays the heroine and is suitably dewy. The guy who plays
a white-suited Satan at the end is the high point, really, very smarmy
and resembling a child-molesting uncle whom all of the clueless adults
still think is a standup guy. (Constantine calls him 'Lou,' get it, Lu?)
No one does a BAD job of acting; there's just little opening to do a
GOOD one, as is often the case with these suckers. OTOH, they didn't
screw the original character with diluting producer-spew, it was paced
better than some of its type and I didn't feel like I'd wiped myself
with the full $4.25 admission, just $2 of it. If you can just take it
for what it is and say "heh" at the end rather than bitching because its
not the second coming of "2001", you'll prolly give it a B-/C+ as a
*genre* bit like I did, because its not at all a complete groaner, just
not a platinum ziggurat of cinematic excellence. Good soundtrack, purdy
pitchers, no chance of action figures or cuddly stuffed Keanu dolls,
demon-fu, cheap-jolt-fu, faux-Hell-fu, burned-off-angel-wing-fu, HueyBob
says you're on yer own. Praise "Bob" fu.
--
HellPope Huey ~ www.subgenius.com
I'm replacing Conan O'Brien in November.
Tune in, won't you?
Just as every conviction begins as a whim
so does every emancipator
serve his apprenticeship as a crank.
~Heywood Broun
"I'm going to go into rap music;
I'm going to call myself 'Muff Daddy.'"
- Eric Idle
Correspondent:: "nu-monet v7.0"
Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 21:40:00 -0700
--------
HellPope Huey wrote:
>
Okay, I know you have some connections in the
faggot underground. So what *is* it with Keanu
that faggots will do just *anything* to keep
seeing him ruin movie after movie?
Seriously. When he was a teenager, he was about
equal to playing Bill or Ted, but that was IT.
He never grew up. His testicles were removed and
all the hair on his body shaved off and what?
Does he give EVERY homo in Hollywood brown eye?
Is he the best blowjob artist that ever lived?
He either is TOP FAG FOR ALL ETERNITY to them,
or he is a CGI animation.
Like the other guy, Bill or Ted, the curly-
haired blond one, who's now a bag-eyed 350 lb.
security guard who works graveyard shift at a
meat packing plant in Des Moines, is working on
his third divorce, and plans to eat his pistol
before his bladder cancer eats him.
Why did the fags keep Keanu around? It makes no
sense.
--
"A stupid movie WILL NOT make you turn
down a blowjob. Simple as that."
-- nu-monet
Correspondent:: Eddie Vroom
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 05:46:22 GMT
--------
nu-monet v7.0 wrote:
> or he is a CGI animation.
No Comment.
--
Here's the punchline: I wasn't joking, motherfucker!
the Mystical RevvedErrand Doktor Eddie Vroom
Certified God by the holy authority of
the White Lotus Fortune Cookie Company
June 23, 2004
Correspondent:: loucyphre
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 07:55:06 GMT
--------
"nu-monet v7.0" wrote in news:4216C320.2345
@succeeds.com:
> HellPope Huey wrote:
>>
>
> Okay, I know you have some connections in the
> faggot underground. So what *is* it with Keanu
> that faggots will do just *anything* to keep
> seeing him ruin movie after movie?
>
> Seriously. When he was a teenager, he was about
> equal to playing Bill or Ted, but that was IT.
> He never grew up. His testicles were removed and
> all the hair on his body shaved off and what?
>
> Does he give EVERY homo in Hollywood brown eye?
>
> Is he the best blowjob artist that ever lived?
>
> He either is TOP FAG FOR ALL ETERNITY to them,
> or he is a CGI animation.
>
> Like the other guy, Bill or Ted, the curly-
> haired blond one, who's now a bag-eyed 350 lb.
> security guard who works graveyard shift at a
> meat packing plant in Des Moines, is working on
> his third divorce, and plans to eat his pistol
> before his bladder cancer eats him.
>
> Why did the fags keep Keanu around? It makes no
> sense.
>
Deny, deny, deny... *PLONK!*
----------
loucyphre -
Editor - www.horrorexpress.com (Two years young, suckaz!)
Contributing Writer - www.cultcuts.net
______________________
"I like it. It's a statement."
- (Linnea Quigley, "Return of the Living Dead")
"Our enemies never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our
people, and neither do we."
- (George W. Bush)
"It's all these booze-addled British boys with their Viz-style
rough-and-tumble pub-style blabbering and bullshitting about fucking
sheep and 'getting pissed' and 'tits' and 'arse'. It used to be such a
polite, congenial place, did alt.horror."
- (Dr. Phibes, alt.horror, 12/16/01)
Correspondent:: nenslo
Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 22:30:42 -0800
--------
HellPope Huey wrote:
>
>
> Its biggest flaw ...
I am impressed that you even bothered to decide.
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 16:51:25 GMT
--------
In article <4216DD12.372ADC37@yahoox.com>, nenslo
wrote:
> HellPope Huey wrote:
> >
> > Its biggest flaw ...
>
> I am impressed that you even bothered to decide.
Eh, I was kinda bored, wanted to get out of the house for a while and
for 1.75 hours, I was less bored by watching the purdy colors.
Old Monty Python bit about the Falkland Islands:
"Private Haskins, is it true that you had sexual relations with a
sheep?"
"Yes sir, I did, but I was lonely."
The officer turns to the sheep and asks "Was it good for you?"
The sheep says "Not baaaaaad."
My take on the movie: not baaaad, even though it involved neither sheep
nor buggery.
--
HellPope Huey
Why the f*** am I HERE?
Oh yeah, for the buffet
"Evil beware: we have waffles."
- 'Teen Titans"
"Do not remove a fly
from your friend's forehead
with a hatchet."
- Chinese Proverb
Correspondent:: "angelicusrex"
Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 23:45:08 -0700
--------
Uhm, all this talk about fags and Keanau Reeves being a fag sounds pretty
damned pink to me. If you don't like the actor, fine. But if you don't mind,
keep all the "fags this" and "fags that" to yourself. You sound like an
utter asshole as well as a deeply covert closet queen. It's a free country
until you start spouting hate, because it means you don't want certain
people to be free to "give the brown eye" or whatever other stupid, juvenile
Archie Bunker epithet you choose to deliver. Which means you don;t want
others to be free.You may be free to call someone a fag and berate them. But
I am just as free to call you a stupid pink-boy loser fag yourself. Get down
with my sickness. Get out of mommy and daddy's closet, "HellPope."
Scrub that pinkness off and deal with the fact that Bob accepts all
alternative lifestyles as long as they can cough up thirty bucks.
Nuff said?
Archimandrite Pudlevitcz
Correspondent:: brthrn@dangermedia.org
Date: 19 Feb 2005 07:01:20 -0800
--------
fag.
Correspondent:: Nobody
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 15:28:28 GMT
--------
HellPope Huey wrote:
> the producers foolishly
> made American rather than English so they could have the draw of Keanu,
> who basically plays Keanu again.
Considering that the goal of a movie is to *MAKE MONEY*, it remains to
be seen if it was foolish to cast a proven american star instead of an
english nobody.
--
Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall
pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend,
oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of
liberty. This much we pledge—and more.
- President John F. Kennedy, Jan. 20, 1961
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 16:46:52 GMT
--------
In article ,
Nobody wrote:
> HellPope Huey wrote:
>
> > the producers foolishly
> > made American rather than English so they could have the draw of Keanu,
> > who basically plays Keanu again.
>
> Considering that the goal of a movie is to *MAKE MONEY*, it remains to
> be seen if it was foolish to cast a proven american star instead of an
> english nobody.
Well yeah and that's the pity of it, since there are plentiful examples
of great films that DID make a tidy profit. Its just a shame that such a
large and colorful venture can so often end up being a massive vacuum.
Art and Profit don't have to be mutually exclusive; its simply all too
frequent that it plays out that way. The truth is that many books could
be translated to film with greater accuracy & thus have a more positive
impact, but there seems to be an implication that the overall audience
is too stupid or impatient to accept that. Its not true of me and I'd
bet even money that its not true of most of you, either. The devil is in
the details, but so are the angels, no pun intended.
The Constantine "comic" book series includes a lot of history and human
detail that has made it popular and PROFITABLE for years. I like seeing
some poor schlub burned into ash by a gout of demon-flame as much as the
next guy, but if I had been shown that the guy had stood by the hero
when his mother died of cancer and bought him a carton of imported Silk
Cuts as a favor, I'd give more of a shit. There's the point and the lack
in a nutshell.
BTW, I made no gay reference; that was Nu-Monet's idea. I don't care
who is fucking or not fucking who. I really don't. I have a pretty large
number of friends at different levels, including 3 I know to be gay and
their sexuality virtually never enters into it. When it does, its a
brief and casual reference and then back to the real point(s),
Everything Else. That silliness is quite dulling to a conversation. Go
get laid or paddle the pickle and then get back to something of more
substance. I enjoy the hell out of sex, fer shur, but it loses its spice
when it keeps running around the room like a crack-addled, yapping puppy
and pissing on your shoe every 5 minutes.
I feel the same way about sexual insults and bragging that I would if
someone pointed at a shoe and said "Look, its a shoe." Meh.
--
HellPope Huey
Why the f*** am I HERE?
Oh yeah, for the buffet
"Evil beware: we have waffles."
- 'Teen Titans"
"Do not remove a fly
from your friend's forehead
with a hatchet."
- Chinese Proverb
Correspondent:: Legume
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 11:10:31 -0600
--------
HellPope Huey wrote:
> I have a pretty
> large number of friends at different levels, including 3 I know to be
> gay
FAGGOT!
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 17:36:45 GMT
--------
In article ,
Legume wrote:
> HellPope Huey wrote:
>
> > I have a pretty
> > large number of friends at different levels, including 3 I know to be
> > gay
>
> FAGGOT!
Gee, you've become even MORE cranky since your old heart stents gave
out. You just can't buy those things at Dollar General and get a good
deal.
--
HellPope Huey
Why the f*** am I HERE?
Oh yeah, for the buffet
"Evil beware: we have waffles."
- 'Teen Titans"
"Do not remove a fly
from your friend's forehead
with a hatchet."
- Chinese Proverb
Correspondent:: Rev DJ Epoch
Date: 21 Feb 2005 17:50:22 GMT
--------
HellPope Huey wrote in news:Grinningbastard-
04FDD7.11381119022005@news1.west.earthlink.net:
> In article ,
> Legume wrote:
>> HellPope Huey wrote:
>>
>> > I have a pretty
>> > large number of friends at different levels, including 3 I know to be
>> > gay
>>
>> FAGGOT!
>
> Gee, you've become even MORE cranky since your old heart stents gave
> out. You just can't buy those things at Dollar General and get a good
> deal.
>
Ohshit... I hope my Kmarket ones hold up. They just told me not to cough
too hard. Dammit, why did I have to like cheese and bacon so damned much?
--
12th Epochalyptic FisTempleDungeon of The Church of Our Lady of Perpetual
Motion
Cathedral, Carwash and Dancehall- Home of the Traci Lords Memorial Brothel
Rev. DJ Epoch - proprietor and janitor
Divine Southern Redneck Yeti Clench Recruitment site: http://revdjepoch.COM
"Yeah yeah. It's all fun and games until someone ingests a quantum
singularity and implodes!!"
-- DJ Epoch
"People from other countries are so goddamned foreign. I hope they stay
where they come from."
-- HellPope Huey
Correspondent:: HdMrs. Salacia the Overseer
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 21:05:24 -0600
--------
On Sat, 19 Feb 2005 11:10:31 -0600, Legume wrote:
>HellPope Huey wrote:
>
>> I have a pretty
>> large number of friends at different levels, including 3 I know to be
>> gay
>
>FAGGOT!
They're all lady gay friends. Sometimes they let him watch.
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2005 04:55:10 GMT
--------
In article <1hvf11hvt9sd79sg0cu8uba90b2goqv1cv@4ax.com>,
HdMrs. Salacia the Overseer wrote:
> On Sat, 19 Feb 2005 11:10:31 -0600, Legume wrote:
> >HellPope Huey wrote:
> >
> >> I have a pretty
> >> large number of friends at different levels, including 3 I know to be
> >> gay
> >
> >FAGGOT!
>
> They're all lady gay friends. Sometimes they let him watch.
I have some really interesting pictures I would share if you were not
all such spitwadding bumpkins, especially that beer-swilling hillbilly
Nu-Monet. He was never an officer; he got thrown out of the National
Guard for getting so drunk, he kissed a sergeant during a review. I have
no desire to entertain the deformed, get real.
--
HellPope Huey
Lassie was a lesbian
I know I'm ugly.
The dog closes his eyes
when he humps my leg.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Magnetism is one of
the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe,
with the other five being
Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control
and The Force That Pulls Dogs
Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
~Dave Barry
Correspondent:: "angelicusrex"
Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2005 00:48:46 -0700
--------
> FAGGOT!
NAZI PIG!
Your friend,
Archimandrite Pudlevitcz
Correspondent:: "the dog from that film you saw"
Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 21:27:44 -0000
--------
HellPope Huey wrote:
> Okay, so its basically a near-potboiler film take of a supernatural
> fantasy based on the DC Comics character, whom the producers foolishly
> made American rather than English so they could have the draw of
> Keanu, who basically plays Keanu again.
wasn't he english in dracula? - albeit with an american accent! - so he
might be british in this one too....
--
Gareth.
my Dad took me out for the evening and some girl was being a right
embarrassment
trying to get off with him, i had to pretend that i was his girlfreind
so that the stupid bitch would leave him alone, and we had a right
good laugh ahout it too.
'varizo' 26th Nov 04
http://www.audioscrobbler.com/user/dsbmusic/
Correspondent:: HellPope Huey
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 01:09:08 GMT
--------
In article <384cg2F5jv5cnU13@individual.net>,
"the dog from that film you saw"
wrote:
> HellPope Huey wrote:
> > Okay, so its basically a near-potboiler film take of a supernatural
> > fantasy based on the DC Comics character, whom the producers foolishly
> > made American rather than English so they could have the draw of
> > Keanu, who basically plays Keanu again.
>
> wasn't he english in dracula? - albeit with an american accent! - so he
> might be british in this one too....
Fuh, at the rate the goddamned world is going downhill, they'll cast
Shfartzenegger as Wonder Woman next. Its the same syndrome that keeps
'em casting the same damned stars for the voice parts on all the
big-dollar feature cartoons lately. If you weren't born with Spielberg's
willie in yer mouth, you have to suck TEN times as hard as the next
supplicant to even get an interview.
Same old story: its not what you know, its who you blow. Too bad
casting agents get it either 100% right or 1000% WRONG. If Michael
Keaton was meant to play Batman, then I'm a giant pink lawn flamingo and
I don't see any feathers on THIS butt, BWAHAHAHA!!!!!
I stick to the foreign film section and the original books more all the
time. Its the only place where the percentages still seem fairly good.
When the typical Hollywood Hyoo-mons get it right, its usually by
accident. Me, I'm rootin' for either Jesus or the aliens and if they
turn out to be one and the same, hey, its a two-fer, SOLD AMERICAN!!
--
HellPope Huey
If I whacked my forehead and went "D'OH!"
for every mistake I'd made,
I could rest a beer can in the hollow
I have never made but one prayer to God,
a very short one:
"O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous."
And God granted it.
- Voltaire
I may be a living legend,
but that sure don't help
when I've got to change a flat tire.
- Roy Orbison