A MESSAGE FROM DR. HAL
Correspondent:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 11:32:29 -0500
--------
A MESSAGE FROM DR. HAL™ January 5th, 2005
"Ask Dr. Hal" Presents "When Threatening Theropods Attack!"
We start the New Year off just right, Theropod versus Troglodyte
SPECIAL POST-HOLIDAY SHOW!
Opening "Act" is a historic Meeting of the Minds; YOURS and Everybody
Else's
It's Time to Engage in the Great Debate Held at the Odeon, so Don't be
Late
THE DR. HAL REPORT
C O N T E N T S :
BEFORE THE SHOW: DEBATE AND PLAN FOR BURNING MAN - A HUMAN vs. DINOSAUR
CONTRETEMPS: VICTOR MATURE VS. DRYPTOSAURUS - FREE, & WORTH EVERY PENNY
- ROLL UP FOR THE MYSTERY TOUR: TAKE A CHANCE ON A BUS RIDE, CLYDE -
SOCIAL NOTES: DOG-TIRED BUT INSPIRED; NEITHER RAIN NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT
KEEPS THE DIE-HARDS AWAY FROM THE ODEON; LINE UP & SIGN UP - UPCOMING
EVENTS: K-ROB'S FILM FARM TO SCREEN ELVIS MEETS NIXON, VERTIGINOUS
VIDEOS - TWO & A HALF GREAT RADIO SHOWS - SPECIAL NOTICE: LOST SOX &
HARD KNOX: MAKE TRACKS TO BUY THE MEANING OF LOST AND MISMATCHED SOCKS
- JUST ONE OF OUR FAVORITE QUESTIONS: SECRETIONS OF THE AFRICAN
HIPPOPOTAMUS NOW REVEALED AS ANODYNE FOR EXCESS ULTRAVIOLET RADIATION
FROM OZONE DEPLETION - OUR DOGGED DISCLAIMER
Our Pre-show is Democracy in Action...
Now the New Year reviving old desires, the thirsty soul to the Odeon
retires, where the white hand of Ena's on the bar, and K-Rob on his
keyboard joy inspires. So much for the holidays; so much for the
departed year. And now it's time for the premiere Ask Dr. Hal show of
2005! Yes... Nobody seems to have caught the rather glaring mistake in
the Hal Report for two Wednesdays ago (pre-Christmas) when I advertised
"the penultimate show of 2005!" Of course I meant 2004, but still, it
was indeed the next to last Ask Dr. Hal of the old year. Most people
make the mistake of continuing to write the old date for the new one,
but I had to be different, I guess. At the Odeon Bar and Night Club,
San Francisco's Variety Arts Showcase at 3223 Mission St. @ 29th, this
Wednesday night, after 9:30 PM, if you're rea dy to start out the fifth
day of the fifth year of our spanking new century right, well, pardner,
there is a place where you can forget (or wallow in) your troubles down
in the Deep Mission. You can come down and get away from it all. We
offer our award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) night club show,
effervescent, sparkling, light-hearted, informative. But before we kick
off the festivities, instead of some fly-by-night "opening act," this
time we provide you with a chance to be a part of the historic debate
wherein a certain long-running Desert Happening is re-imagined (see The
San Francisco Chronicle, "Burning Man Devotees Seek Less Snuggle, More
Art: Splinter Group Plans Populist Experiment at 2005 Festival,"
Sunday, January 2nd, p. 17). These are exciting times, brothers and
sisters. And this Constitutional Convention behind the doors of the
Odeon invites your participation a nd contribution. The focus will be
on electing representatives for the new, revolutionary Art Council--
despite possible disruption from Burning Man Fundamentalist
"insurgents," this election will go on as promised this January 15th.
After the meeting, the main part of our show begins, and...
...then, a Caveman faces a Carnosaur in Open Combat!
Our special K-Rob Mandatory Dinosaur Movie Segment ably shows an
evolutionary allegory. As Siegfried famously slew the dragon Fafnir, a
young caveman (played by none other than Hollywood Heartthrob Victor
Mature) gains status and self-esteem by besting a carnivorous dinosaur
in mano a mano, hand-to-hand combat. You'll notice that this dinosaur
adopts an unusually upright stance. It's now believed that these
Mesozoic carnivores held their bodies nearly parallel to the ground. As
Dr. Gregory Paul has pointed out in his Predatory Dinosaurs of the
World, the hip joint was fully articulated together only as long as the
femur remained perpendicular to the hips, or forward of that. As the
body reared up and the femur retracted well behind perpendicular, then
the femoral head lost its complete articulation with the hip joint's
posterior articulating surface. A theropod dinosaur or protodinosaur in
a fully "upright" position could move only slowly. But rearing up is
important to intimidate enemies or prey. It doesn't work on Victor
Mature, though. Boldness carries the day. There's an implicit lesson
here. As you will see, we have got another great Short Subject for you
from K-Rob''s twitching virtual, digital fingers. It's just one of the
glittering golden doubloons, so to speak, in the Treasure Chest of Ask
Dr. Hal. We've got the Borg2 Planning Meeting. We've got David Capurro,
and even a charging, choleric Carnosaur. We've got movies, gags,
Mystery Guests and mind-diddling special effects. We've got
supertechnician Jascha; we've got Chicken and K-Rob. We've got
something else, too, as you'll find if you read to the end of the next
paragraph. And, of course we answer every and any question you wish to
ask during the Dr. Hal Show proper. And you know what? I'll tell you
what. Just hold on to your hatbands--
Can you believe it? It's all, astoundingly, COMPLETELY FREE!
That's right, Ladies and Germs, there is no cover, no charge for those
who toddle into the Odeon when we do our show. And that's not to say
that we don't spend our precious time, quite a bit of it, in fact,
getting it ready for you. (Just writing and sending this newsletter
takes many precious hours.) And though most of what you see and hear
is, perforce, improvised, this selfsame improvisation rests on a
groundwork of sound theatrical preparation. Come for the show, or just
for a tête-à-tête with one close to you in surroundings especially
congenial for a rendezvous. We won't tell. But that's not all! Directly
after our show, we invite you to join us on a...
...Bus Ride to the Unknown!
It's true that the Odeon Bus-to-Bowling trips are temporarily
suspended. But it isn't true that after the first Ask Dr. Hal of every
month we no longer board the green Odeon Applause Bus. No, indeed! But
where are we going? Well, that's... classified. But we've saved a seat
for you.
Social Notes
This week's A.D.H. begins with a fervid revolutionary Borg2 Meeting.
Last week, however, we started off with a Science Report from
astronomer man-about-town "Doc" Pete Goldie re the Deep Space Mission
of spacecraft Cassini, which celebrated the end of 2004 in its own way
with a flyby of (the planet) Saturn's icy moon Iapetus. A courteous and
attentive Odeon crowd drank in every word of Pete's admittedly somewhat
dry and technical presentation. (Dr. Goldie also graciously prepared
the previous issue of this Report while I was out of town, as attentive
readers perhaps noticed.) Then the show roared into action. Good
questions make a good show, so we had one-- even though I had just
arrived from the East Coast (Stuyvesant, New York) a few hours previous
to curtain time. Let me be frank; I was somewhat worn out, having been
on an airplane and jammed into an oppressively narrow Southwest
Airlines seat from before dawn ti ll after dusk. At the Oakland airport
the first familiar face I saw was that of Zoli, often known as Yoni
from the ever-popular Wink 'n' Yoni Show. Via B.A.R.T. we both
travelled into S.F., stopping at the Last Supper Club where Mr. Z. met
his significant other, the enchanting Elwyn. Before I left, trundling
my bulky luggage through the cold and pelting rain, both promised to be
at the show that evening. And they were, too. Besides the truthful,
faithful Z & E, other noted couples in attendance were Don & Tracy,
Sean Kelly & Mattie, Kiki Bridges & Sparky, Fan & Anthony, Momo &
Therése and Nik & Nancy Phelps of the famed Sprocket Ensemble. I was
beat on my feet, dead tired, and it was heartening to see so many who
had come to see us despite the genuinely beastly weather, as a furious,
sideways-slanting frigid rain slashed the sordid streets. Nonetheless,
there was Ed H olmes, a.k.a. Bishop Joey of the First Church of the
Last Laugh. Silke Tudor, once and future chronicler of Odeon goings on,
paid us a special visit from her new abode in the East (Brooklyn,
N.Y.); ditto la belle Katy Bell... Nives Hagmeier, quondam apparatchik
of the Chicken John Organization, was resplendently present; so was
ravishing Robin Frohardt... I couldn't mistake big Ben Burke,
poet/performance artist, or the one and only Lloyd Mongoloid... Jason,
Josh the Orange Box Man and Kevin Mathieu rubbed elbows with the likes
of Don Bruce, master pyrotechnician Kimric Smythe and Primary Tentacle
Scott Beale of Laughing Squid... If I'm not mistaken I saw Freddi
"Wink" Price at the bar... Then there was Madeleine, Jiri and Chester,
or was that last week? Believe me, folks, I was ti-red. But somehow,
and with the advantage of the collaboration of Jascha, Chicken, Capurro
and K-Rob, we managed to turn in one of our better shows. Who didn't I
mention? I always seem to leave someone out. Come on, autograph K-Rob's
Sign-Up Sheet, won't you? Then I can get your name-o into this column,
see? Where is it? You're kidding, right? It's always at the front of
the stage, stuck there with Scotch tape. 'Nuff said.
Upcoming Events
Here are some of the must-see hot tickets for the near future, a chorus
of related happenings twittering in the same branches as are we,
presented as a public service by the Ask Dr. Hal Report, which is
responsible for all accuracy or factual errors from the following:
Ongoing
"K-Rob's Thursday Night Film Farm" -- K-Rob the great has the soul of
an exhibitor. He keeps it in his pajama pants pocket... No, seriously,
he delights in putting on a film show; he's often proved it at the
Odeon with his dizzying prodigies of Video Editing, and separately at
such far flung venues as, say, the disturbing SubGenius 3-Day & Night
Outdoor Movie & Sadistic Bondage "Boot Camp"-- remember that? back in
May of this departing year (see the Dr. Hal Report, Vol. I, No. 11).
How the time flies... And watch for notice of another one of these
cinematic free-for-alls the same perpetrators could be plotting.
Anyway, each Thursday, K-Rob's now running an Odeon Cinema series.
And.. it's FREE, FREE, FREE! Cm'on-- when even daytime matinees in this
benighted burg cost a painful $7.50, where else can you go for a free
flippin' movie? Not to mention that you can hang out with bon vivant
K-Rob and toothsome, tender bartender Jenner (insert wolf whistle
here), and order hard liquor, an amenity most theaters are usually
reluctant to pass out with the popcorn. Each K-Rob movie program starts
at 7:00 PM and runs through 9:00 PM, and includes trailers, short
subjects, cartoons, the whole Chimichanga. This week it's Elvis Meets
Nixon, staring Rick Peters (as Elvis, sympathetically played) and Bob
Gunton (as Nixon, played broadly, if with wit). The movie documents the
time (in December 1970) when the 35 year-old Elvis, drug-addled and
unprecedentedly (ha!) out on his own, away from his handlers and
"people," traveled from Graceland to the White House, where, after
showing up unannounced at 6:30 AM, he succeeded in meet ing with the
President and in getting his request granted to be deputized as a
federal agent in the war on drugs. After offering to fink on the
Beatles, he was made a badge-carrying "Agent at Large" for the Bureau
of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs (Nixon didn't create the D.E.A. until
later). I don't know if the movie shows it, but he was packing a Colt
.45 in a shoulder holster and a Derringer in his boot. Anyway, it was
an epic encounter between two living caricatures, larger-than-life
figures. "I think it's one of the greatest events of American pop
culture, that Elvis got in to see Nixon," gushes "E.v.N."
writer/producer, Alan Rosen. Meanwhile, the movie's narrator, Dick
Cavett (yes, that Dick Cavett) intones, "If what you're about to see
didn't happen exactly this way, it should have." The photo of Elvis
shaking hands with Nixon continues to be the most r equested item at
the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda. So let K-Rob whisk you off to 1970, a
very weird year. And he'll have the usual "special" additions on the
program. Isn't it about time you started going to see these?
"Puzzling Evidence" -- For more than twenty years, this Church of the
SubGenius-affiliated radio show has been on the air on KPFA 94.1 FM;
its current time slot is 3-5 AM Friday mornings (you might consider it
late Thursday nights as we often do). I, Dr. Howland Owll appear along
with Dr. Philo Drummond (visit his website at
http://www.quiveringbrain.com ) and
on-board bored board operator Puzzling Evidence himself (The "Tash").
Sometimes K-Rob joins us, sometimes other Mystery Guests. All Talk, No
Rock. A cascade of echoing glossolaliac madness, the voicing of lyric
ruminations from the brains of disintegrating personalities. Of course,
you may just hate it. But maybe not. After all, Kelek Stevenson told me
she listens. So, if you're up, why not giv e it a try? Maybe you cold
call in (after 4:00 AM) at (510) 848-4425..."
"Radio KROB" -- Yes, the enigma known as K-Rob can still be heard at a
much more accessible time, Fridays, 10 PM to Midnight on sf liberation
radio (webcast only) when he'll elevate you with his unique brand of
"elevator music," (an elitist pleasure) and on Sundays, 6PM to Midnight
on Pirate Cat Radio 87.9 FM for what he calls stimulus regression
programming. Arroo-ga! K.R., broadcasting from the always-innovative
Dark Room Theatre, promises to play some of his MP3-recorded "mixes"
you may have missed at our other shows, Dr. Hal fans. If you can stand
the smoke and flames, and hear the cannon's roar, this is the show for
you. Go ahead, tune in, K-Rob fans-- see what all the shouting is
about.
Announcement
I, Dr. Hal, have written a book. It's called The Meaning of Lost and
Mismatched Socks, and it's publisher is Frog, Ltd. (North Atlantic
Books). This tome was written, indexed, and packed with illustrations
by Yours Truly under the nom de plume of Dr. Perditus Pedale, M.D.,
Ph.D., but don't be fooled: it's really me. ("Cyberpunk" author) John
Shirley wrote it up with a good review last year, bless him-- I think
you just might still be able to read it if you access his backlog at
his "blog" at
http://johnshirley.net
and then there was another favorable review on-line at boingboing.net;
look to see if you can still find it at
www.boingboing.net/2004/09/23/new_hal_robins_book_.html
Whoever wrote this inexplicably referred to my "high-pitched voice,"
but it's otherwise a good notice. And I have to say, I haven't
encountered anyone who's read the thing who disliked it... Now, in this
book, I finally answer a question originally put to me at "The Wizard
of Ass" out in the desert some years ago, as Chicken reminded me back
in 2004. You see, I eventually do get around to answering all
questions; with certain of these it just takes me longer, as in this
case. This book costs a cool $9.95, but all books are expensive these
days-- I can't help that. However, I'd hate to have written a
"diddly-squat" book that didn't sell, for that would sully my already
bedeviled & benighted reputation even further. So, Dr. Hal fans, if you
really are out there, for Dobbs's sake go ahead and prove it, why don't
you, by going out and getting this book. And if you like it, you might
want to get my next book, Dinosaur Alphabet (now in preparation). But
first things first. ISBN number 1-58394-097-9, paperback (but the
dinosaur book, which I'm working on now, will be a hardback, when I get
it finished-- I'm aiming for the Fall 2005 season). Available in many
bookstores, I suppose (on my recent trip to N.Y.C. I saw they were
carrying it at Shakespeare & Co.), and on amazon.com. Help an
impoverished author (I really, really am) this holiday season. I'm
going to have to sell an enormous mountain-high pile of these for my
royalties to kick in; I have a truly terrible deal with the publisher.
I guess I need an agent. Hey, bring it to the bar and I'll sign it,
exponentially increasing its value. That's a promise.
One of Our "Favorite" Questions
Gary Hughes of Santa Cruz writes, "Hipposudoric Acid? That's a bit
much." And Fan Ameke, in a private conversation, intimated that this
was among the things "that we know you just make up." So I "just" make
things up, do I? Perhaps what you call "making things up" is another
name for what I call the divine faculty of creation. Let's not discount
the legitimacy of invention, people. It is, after all, the basis for
fiction, art, music... the list goes on. But I did not make up
Hipposudoric Acid. Why should I? And what is it, anyway, I hear some of
you plaintively inquiring. Don't deny it! I'm Dr. Hal! I can hear you!
"So where does it come from?" comes the sneering, snarky rejoinder.
"Hippos? As in Hippopotamuses, or Hippopotami?" Well... yes, is the
answer. This goo does ooze from the skin of the ferocious African
"river horse," the Hippopotamus. It's not exactly sweat, by the way.
It's one of two components (the other is Norhipposudoric acid) of a
naturally secreted sunscreen, which, according to Japanese scientist
Kimiko Hashimoto of Kyoto Pharmaceutical University, if industrious
chemists could contrive more-stable derivatives, could be of great use
to humanity. "These pigments," she says, "would be seeds of
pharmaceutically important compounds." (see Science News, Vol. 165,
No.22) The rampaging hippopotamuses (the correct plural) of Darkest
Africa have long been said to "sweat blood" by Clyde Beatty and other
Great White Hunter types of the past. This we now know is inaccurate.
The red-orange exudation, which is not blood, can block microbial
growth and some ultraviolet light. The pigments are highly acidic
compounds containing carbon rings. And the secretions aren't
technically sweat because hippos don't have the small sebaceous glan ds
that produce it. Instead, much larger glands, located deeper within the
pachydermatous hide of the beast, release the liquid through skin holes
large enough to see with the naked eye, although you probably wouldn't
want to get that close. Hippos are chronically bad-tempered and will
slash at you, or each other with their razor-sharp tusks at the mildest
provocation. But they don't get infections, though they rip each other
in fights over territory or females. Why? Hipposudoric acid and its
brother compound also have antibiotic properties-- as well as serving
as the ideal organic sunscreen. That's why you never see a hippo with
sunburn. Dr. Hashimoto suspects that the animals synthesize the
pigments from common precursors such as the amino acid tyrosine.
Perhaps the ultimate stable sunscreen has been found in this useful
liquid. The only problems at the moment seem to be (1.) safely getting
it from bad-tempered hippos and (2.) that it tu rns you red-orange. But
Science marches on. See you at the Odeon!
Boilerplate
"Ask Dr. Hal" is elastic, ecumenical, eclectic and electric, and has
even been known to be, in its way, erotic. Whatever it may be, it is
certainly open to all seekers and thirsters after Enlightenment.
Furthermore, special consultations and hands-on initiations are
available in private, particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile
females over the currently legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else,
including would-be prospective opening act performers, are asked to
present their resumes, life histories, astrological charts, nude
photos, sob stories, requests for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen, BVDs,
VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, CDs, DVDs and/or audition tapes directly
to warm-hearted "Chicken" John for evaluation. I am unable, owing to
serious demands on my time at present, to provide (shudder)
"relationship" advice, give off-the-cuff psychological analyses, advise
you in legal, medical or personal matters, crit ique your poetry,
artwork or the manuscript of your novel, or perform an impromptu
phrenological examination. Sorry, I must refrain from answering
questions when "off duty." This is a period and condition which begins
at the moment the show ends and regularly lasts until the beginning of
the next week's performance. I'm not kidding, don't come at me with
questions when it's not Wednesday and I'm not doing the show.
Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up, no shoving, room for
all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful, regretful, self-obsessed or
feeble-minded, nor for cranks, fanatics, crank addicts, hysterics,
epileptics, cataleptics, young, impressionable children or those who
are no longer children but are (too) easily shocked. Some restrictions
apply. Easy to play. Follow all directions. Be the first on your block
to attend. We provide an Oracle of Truth; you provide the conse
quences. Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals,
corporate entertainment retreats, secret ceremonies, bar and bat
mitzvahs. Scientific, educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive.
Take cum grano salis. Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain
clothing. No complicated machinery to buy. Anyone can play. Fun for
the whole family (if, that is, the whole family is of legal drinking
age). Pencils, envelopes, instruction booklets and question slips
provided free of charge. No pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets.
Witty, bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem Animal. Hariolation and
Hermeneutics a specialty. Hypnotic, horrific and hypnopaedic. Reads tea
leaves and t-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells, locates
missing objects, heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit World,
knows the Meaning of Life and the secrets of human hearts in this world
and the next. Will design your tattoo. Available for Sex Magick. Bring
your parents and loved ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals
Past Lives and Life of the Past. The most amazing thing seen anywhere,
I kid you not. Bachelors and cads, take notice: some of the most
fetching (though crazy) women in San Francisco regularly attend. A
co-production of the Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs Approved.
Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of the hand, reads
by touch the bumps on the head and the uncovered female body. Buy my
horrid horror comic book, Grave Yarns. Brought to you by Camel
cigarettes (remember, They Are Mild-- "I'd Walk a Mile for a Camel"),
and by the Miracle Liquor Fernet Branca, proud sponsor of the Ask Dr.
Hal show since 2001. From now on until the Sun goes Nova, incinerating
all traces of the Works of Man, all questions instantly and irrevocably
become the property of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal Robins, Chicken John, and
K-jaschahalchickenrob Productions. We retain the right to deflect
inappropriate questions and reject inappropriate questioners, abruptly,
firmly, forcefully, gleefully and at will. Attn. Mission drunks (or
Bambi Lake): if you try to disrupt our show, you will be "bounced."
Although it is not strictly necessary to pay to enjoy the performance,
and payment will not ensure your appreciation of the evening, all
questions should ideally be submitted in a regulation envelope
containing an emolument to receive the fullest possible consideration.
The better (i.e. larger) the emolument, the better (i.e. long-winded)
the answer. A premium emolument precipitates a "Bardic Recitation." For
example, last week's show concluded (someone had tipped me a cool
$16.00), with my interpretation of S.T. Coleridge's "Frost at
Midnight." And I also included one of T.S. Eliot's kitty poems, the
one about the "Gus, the Thea trical Cat." Too bad if you weren't there,
eh? Of course, unpaid questions will be answered, but in binary form by
an assembled mob of magic 8-balls. And if it's not a "yes or no"
question, this doesn't work very well and tends to be somewhat
unsatisfying. Still, no refunds given or answers guaranteed. You pay
for it, you get it. No one religion or political party endorsed. If you
don't see what you want, ask. Time tested. User-friendly. Preserved for
Posterity. Written up in the weeklies. Taped for TV. Quoted at parties.
Remembered in dreams, re-run in your nightmares. Astrally projected.
Alive in Living Memory. Provides automotive information. The subject of
after-dinner anecdotes. Will pop into your mind at unguarded moments.
Are you really actually reading this? You are? Good for you. We're not
for everybody, but what is? Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate
our Freedom to laugh our heads off at shows like this, so-- it's
important-- at the next election, vote them out of office. Located in
the fibrillating, palpitating Heart of the teeming Deep Mission,
fashionably below Cesar Chavez (the street, that is). Read all
instructions (provided) before participating. Drink responsibly, but
heavily. Robust alcohol consumption recommended for full enjoyment.
Support the Odeon; order a drink or two, for the love of Mike, whoever
he is. Some of us can't drink at all, remember. Boy, do we wish we
could. Perhaps we will, by and by. 'Bye. And buy my book, won't you?
Christmas and all that rot are now finally over, but there are still
birthdays...
--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB
Correspondent:: "Revi Shankar"
Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2005 14:34:20 -0500
--------
> So I "just" make
> things up, do I? Perhaps what you call "making things up" is another
> name for what I call the divine faculty of creation.
Praise Dr. Hal!
Correspondent:: Phin
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005 16:49:12 GMT
--------
I always enjoy reading these. If they were a little longer though,
they'd be PERFECT.
On Tue, 04 Jan 2005 11:32:29 -0500, "Rev. Ivan Stang"
wrote:
> A MESSAGE FROM DR. HAL™ January 5th, 2005
> "Ask Dr. Hal" Presents "When Threatening Theropods Attack!"
>We start the New Year off just right, Theropod versus Troglodyte
>SPECIAL POST-HOLIDAY SHOW!
>Opening "Act" is a historic Meeting of the Minds; YOURS and Everybody
>Else's
>It's Time to Engage in the Great Debate Held at the Odeon, so Don't be
>Late
>
>THE DR. HAL REPORT
>
>C O N T E N T S :
>
>BEFORE THE SHOW: DEBATE AND PLAN FOR BURNING MAN - A HUMAN vs. DINOSAUR
>CONTRETEMPS: VICTOR MATURE VS. DRYPTOSAURUS - FREE, & WORTH EVERY PENNY
>- ROLL UP FOR THE MYSTERY TOUR: TAKE A CHANCE ON A BUS RIDE, CLYDE -
>SOCIAL NOTES: DOG-TIRED BUT INSPIRED; NEITHER RAIN NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT
>KEEPS THE DIE-HARDS AWAY FROM THE ODEON; LINE UP & SIGN UP - UPCOMING
>EVENTS: K-ROB'S FILM FARM TO SCREEN ELVIS MEETS NIXON, VERTIGINOUS
>VIDEOS - TWO & A HALF GREAT RADIO SHOWS - SPECIAL NOTICE: LOST SOX &
>HARD KNOX: MAKE TRACKS TO BUY THE MEANING OF LOST AND MISMATCHED SOCKS
>- JUST ONE OF OUR FAVORITE QUESTIONS: SECRETIONS OF THE AFRICAN
>HIPPOPOTAMUS NOW REVEALED AS ANODYNE FOR EXCESS ULTRAVIOLET RADIATION
>FROM OZONE DEPLETION - OUR DOGGED DISCLAIMER
>
>Our Pre-show is Democracy in Action...
>
>Now the New Year reviving old desires, the thirsty soul to the Odeon
>retires, where the white hand of Ena's on the bar, and K-Rob on his
>keyboard joy inspires. So much for the holidays; so much for the
>departed year. And now it's time for the premiere Ask Dr. Hal show of
>2005! Yes... Nobody seems to have caught the rather glaring mistake in
>the Hal Report for two Wednesdays ago (pre-Christmas) when I advertised
>"the penultimate show of 2005!" Of course I meant 2004, but still, it
>was indeed the next to last Ask Dr. Hal of the old year. Most people
>make the mistake of continuing to write the old date for the new one,
>but I had to be different, I guess. At the Odeon Bar and Night Club,
>San Francisco's Variety Arts Showcase at 3223 Mission St. @ 29th, this
>Wednesday night, after 9:30 PM, if you're rea dy to start out the fifth
>day of the fifth year of our spanking new century right, well, pardner,
>there is a place where you can forget (or wallow in) your troubles down
>in the Deep Mission. You can come down and get away from it all. We
>offer our award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) night club show,
>effervescent, sparkling, light-hearted, informative. But before we kick
>off the festivities, instead of some fly-by-night "opening act," this
>time we provide you with a chance to be a part of the historic debate
>wherein a certain long-running Desert Happening is re-imagined (see The
>San Francisco Chronicle, "Burning Man Devotees Seek Less Snuggle, More
>Art: Splinter Group Plans Populist Experiment at 2005 Festival,"
>Sunday, January 2nd, p. 17). These are exciting times, brothers and
>sisters. And this Constitutional Convention behind the doors of the
>Odeon invites your participation a nd contribution. The focus will be
>on electing representatives for the new, revolutionary Art Council--
>despite possible disruption from Burning Man Fundamentalist
>"insurgents," this election will go on as promised this January 15th.
>After the meeting, the main part of our show begins, and...
>
>...then, a Caveman faces a Carnosaur in Open Combat!
>
>Our special K-Rob Mandatory Dinosaur Movie Segment ably shows an
>evolutionary allegory. As Siegfried famously slew the dragon Fafnir, a
>young caveman (played by none other than Hollywood Heartthrob Victor
>Mature) gains status and self-esteem by besting a carnivorous dinosaur
>in mano a mano, hand-to-hand combat. You'll notice that this dinosaur
>adopts an unusually upright stance. It's now believed that these
>Mesozoic carnivores held their bodies nearly parallel to the ground. As
>Dr. Gregory Paul has pointed out in his Predatory Dinosaurs of the
>World, the hip joint was fully articulated together only as long as the
>femur remained perpendicular to the hips, or forward of that. As the
>body reared up and the femur retracted well behind perpendicular, then
>the femoral head lost its complete articulation with the hip joint's
>posterior articulating surface. A theropod dinosaur or protodinosaur in
>a fully "upright" position could move only slowly. But rearing up is
>important to intimidate enemies or prey. It doesn't work on Victor
>Mature, though. Boldness carries the day. There's an implicit lesson
>here. As you will see, we have got another great Short Subject for you
>from K-Rob''s twitching virtual, digital fingers. It's just one of the
>glittering golden doubloons, so to speak, in the Treasure Chest of Ask
>Dr. Hal. We've got the Borg2 Planning Meeting. We've got David Capurro,
>and even a charging, choleric Carnosaur. We've got movies, gags,
>Mystery Guests and mind-diddling special effects. We've got
>supertechnician Jascha; we've got Chicken and K-Rob. We've got
>something else, too, as you'll find if you read to the end of the next
>paragraph. And, of course we answer every and any question you wish to
>ask during the Dr. Hal Show proper. And you know what? I'll tell you
>what. Just hold on to your hatbands--
>
> Can you believe it? It's all, astoundingly, COMPLETELY FREE!
>
>That's right, Ladies and Germs, there is no cover, no charge for those
>who toddle into the Odeon when we do our show. And that's not to say
>that we don't spend our precious time, quite a bit of it, in fact,
>getting it ready for you. (Just writing and sending this newsletter
>takes many precious hours.) And though most of what you see and hear
>is, perforce, improvised, this selfsame improvisation rests on a
>groundwork of sound theatrical preparation. Come for the show, or just
>for a tête-à-tête with one close to you in surroundings especially
>congenial for a rendezvous. We won't tell. But that's not all! Directly
>after our show, we invite you to join us on a...
>
>...Bus Ride to the Unknown!
>
>It's true that the Odeon Bus-to-Bowling trips are temporarily
>suspended. But it isn't true that after the first Ask Dr. Hal of every
>month we no longer board the green Odeon Applause Bus. No, indeed! But
>where are we going? Well, that's... classified. But we've saved a seat
>for you.
>
>Social Notes
>
>This week's A.D.H. begins with a fervid revolutionary Borg2 Meeting.
>Last week, however, we started off with a Science Report from
>astronomer man-about-town "Doc" Pete Goldie re the Deep Space Mission
>of spacecraft Cassini, which celebrated the end of 2004 in its own way
>with a flyby of (the planet) Saturn's icy moon Iapetus. A courteous and
>attentive Odeon crowd drank in every word of Pete's admittedly somewhat
>dry and technical presentation. (Dr. Goldie also graciously prepared
>the previous issue of this Report while I was out of town, as attentive
>readers perhaps noticed.) Then the show roared into action. Good
>questions make a good show, so we had one-- even though I had just
>arrived from the East Coast (Stuyvesant, New York) a few hours previous
>to curtain time. Let me be frank; I was somewhat worn out, having been
>on an airplane and jammed into an oppressively narrow Southwest
>Airlines seat from before dawn ti ll after dusk. At the Oakland airport
>the first familiar face I saw was that of Zoli, often known as Yoni
>from the ever-popular Wink 'n' Yoni Show. Via B.A.R.T. we both
>travelled into S.F., stopping at the Last Supper Club where Mr. Z. met
>his significant other, the enchanting Elwyn. Before I left, trundling
>my bulky luggage through the cold and pelting rain, both promised to be
>at the show that evening. And they were, too. Besides the truthful,
>faithful Z & E, other noted couples in attendance were Don & Tracy,
>Sean Kelly & Mattie, Kiki Bridges & Sparky, Fan & Anthony, Momo &
>Therése and Nik & Nancy Phelps of the famed Sprocket Ensemble. I was
>beat on my feet, dead tired, and it was heartening to see so many who
>had come to see us despite the genuinely beastly weather, as a furious,
>sideways-slanting frigid rain slashed the sordid streets. Nonetheless,
>there was Ed H olmes, a.k.a. Bishop Joey of the First Church of the
>Last Laugh. Silke Tudor, once and future chronicler of Odeon goings on,
>paid us a special visit from her new abode in the East (Brooklyn,
>N.Y.); ditto la belle Katy Bell... Nives Hagmeier, quondam apparatchik
>of the Chicken John Organization, was resplendently present; so was
>ravishing Robin Frohardt... I couldn't mistake big Ben Burke,
>poet/performance artist, or the one and only Lloyd Mongoloid... Jason,
>Josh the Orange Box Man and Kevin Mathieu rubbed elbows with the likes
>of Don Bruce, master pyrotechnician Kimric Smythe and Primary Tentacle
>Scott Beale of Laughing Squid... If I'm not mistaken I saw Freddi
>"Wink" Price at the bar... Then there was Madeleine, Jiri and Chester,
>or was that last week? Believe me, folks, I was ti-red. But somehow,
>and with the advantage of the collaboration of Jascha, Chicken, Capurro
>and K-Rob, we managed to turn in one of our better shows. Who didn't I
>mention? I always seem to leave someone out. Come on, autograph K-Rob's
>Sign-Up Sheet, won't you? Then I can get your name-o into this column,
>see? Where is it? You're kidding, right? It's always at the front of
>the stage, stuck there with Scotch tape. 'Nuff said.
>
>Upcoming Events
>
>Here are some of the must-see hot tickets for the near future, a chorus
>of related happenings twittering in the same branches as are we,
>presented as a public service by the Ask Dr. Hal Report, which is
>responsible for all accuracy or factual errors from the following:
>
>Ongoing
>
>"K-Rob's Thursday Night Film Farm" -- K-Rob the great has the soul of
>an exhibitor. He keeps it in his pajama pants pocket... No, seriously,
>he delights in putting on a film show; he's often proved it at the
>Odeon with his dizzying prodigies of Video Editing, and separately at
>such far flung venues as, say, the disturbing SubGenius 3-Day & Night
>Outdoor Movie & Sadistic Bondage "Boot Camp"-- remember that? back in
>May of this departing year (see the Dr. Hal Report, Vol. I, No. 11).
>How the time flies... And watch for notice of another one of these
>cinematic free-for-alls the same perpetrators could be plotting.
>Anyway, each Thursday, K-Rob's now running an Odeon Cinema series.
>And.. it's FREE, FREE, FREE! Cm'on-- when even daytime matinees in this
>benighted burg cost a painful $7.50, where else can you go for a free
>flippin' movie? Not to mention that you can hang out with bon vivant
>K-Rob and toothsome, tender bartender Jenner (insert wolf whistle
>here), and order hard liquor, an amenity most theaters are usually
>reluctant to pass out with the popcorn. Each K-Rob movie program starts
>at 7:00 PM and runs through 9:00 PM, and includes trailers, short
>subjects, cartoons, the whole Chimichanga. This week it's Elvis Meets
>Nixon, staring Rick Peters (as Elvis, sympathetically played) and Bob
>Gunton (as Nixon, played broadly, if with wit). The movie documents the
>time (in December 1970) when the 35 year-old Elvis, drug-addled and
>unprecedentedly (ha!) out on his own, away from his handlers and
>"people," traveled from Graceland to the White House, where, after
>showing up unannounced at 6:30 AM, he succeeded in meet ing with the
>President and in getting his request granted to be deputized as a
>federal agent in the war on drugs. After offering to fink on the
>Beatles, he was made a badge-carrying "Agent at Large" for the Bureau
>of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs (Nixon didn't create the D.E.A. until
>later). I don't know if the movie shows it, but he was packing a Colt
>.45 in a shoulder holster and a Derringer in his boot. Anyway, it was
>an epic encounter between two living caricatures, larger-than-life
>figures. "I think it's one of the greatest events of American pop
>culture, that Elvis got in to see Nixon," gushes "E.v.N."
>writer/producer, Alan Rosen. Meanwhile, the movie's narrator, Dick
>Cavett (yes, that Dick Cavett) intones, "If what you're about to see
>didn't happen exactly this way, it should have." The photo of Elvis
>shaking hands with Nixon continues to be the most r equested item at
>the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda. So let K-Rob whisk you off to 1970, a
>very weird year. And he'll have the usual "special" additions on the
>program. Isn't it about time you started going to see these?
>
>"Puzzling Evidence" -- For more than twenty years, this Church of the
>SubGenius-affiliated radio show has been on the air on KPFA 94.1 FM;
>its current time slot is 3-5 AM Friday mornings (you might consider it
>late Thursday nights as we often do). I, Dr. Howland Owll appear along
>with Dr. Philo Drummond (visit his website at
>http://www.quiveringbrain.com ) and
>on-board bored board operator Puzzling Evidence himself (The "Tash").
>Sometimes K-Rob joins us, sometimes other Mystery Guests. All Talk, No
>Rock. A cascade of echoing glossolaliac madness, the voicing of lyric
>ruminations from the brains of disintegrating personalities. Of course,
>you may just hate it. But maybe not. After all, Kelek Stevenson told me
>she listens. So, if you're up, why not giv e it a try? Maybe you cold
>call in (after 4:00 AM) at (510) 848-4425..."
>
>"Radio KROB" -- Yes, the enigma known as K-Rob can still be heard at a
>much more accessible time, Fridays, 10 PM to Midnight on sf liberation
>radio (webcast only) when he'll elevate you with his unique brand of
>"elevator music," (an elitist pleasure) and on Sundays, 6PM to Midnight
>on Pirate Cat Radio 87.9 FM for what he calls stimulus regression
>programming. Arroo-ga! K.R., broadcasting from the always-innovative
>Dark Room Theatre, promises to play some of his MP3-recorded "mixes"
>you may have missed at our other shows, Dr. Hal fans. If you can stand
>the smoke and flames, and hear the cannon's roar, this is the show for
>you. Go ahead, tune in, K-Rob fans-- see what all the shouting is
>about.
>
>Announcement
>
>I, Dr. Hal, have written a book. It's called The Meaning of Lost and
>Mismatched Socks, and it's publisher is Frog, Ltd. (North Atlantic
>Books). This tome was written, indexed, and packed with illustrations
>by Yours Truly under the nom de plume of Dr. Perditus Pedale, M.D.,
>Ph.D., but don't be fooled: it's really me. ("Cyberpunk" author) John
>Shirley wrote it up with a good review last year, bless him-- I think
>you just might still be able to read it if you access his backlog at
>his "blog" at
>
>http://johnshirley.net
>
>and then there was another favorable review on-line at boingboing.net;
>look to see if you can still find it at
>
>www.boingboing.net/2004/09/23/new_hal_robins_book_.html
>
>Whoever wrote this inexplicably referred to my "high-pitched voice,"
>but it's otherwise a good notice. And I have to say, I haven't
>encountered anyone who's read the thing who disliked it... Now, in this
>book, I finally answer a question originally put to me at "The Wizard
>of Ass" out in the desert some years ago, as Chicken reminded me back
>in 2004. You see, I eventually do get around to answering all
>questions; with certain of these it just takes me longer, as in this
>case. This book costs a cool $9.95, but all books are expensive these
>days-- I can't help that. However, I'd hate to have written a
>"diddly-squat" book that didn't sell, for that would sully my already
>bedeviled & benighted reputation even further. So, Dr. Hal fans, if you
>really are out there, for Dobbs's sake go ahead and prove it, why don't
>you, by going out and getting this book. And if you like it, you might
>want to get my next book, Dinosaur Alphabet (now in preparation). But
>first things first. ISBN number 1-58394-097-9, paperback (but the
>dinosaur book, which I'm working on now, will be a hardback, when I get
>it finished-- I'm aiming for the Fall 2005 season). Available in many
>bookstores, I suppose (on my recent trip to N.Y.C. I saw they were
>carrying it at Shakespeare & Co.), and on amazon.com. Help an
>impoverished author (I really, really am) this holiday season. I'm
>going to have to sell an enormous mountain-high pile of these for my
>royalties to kick in; I have a truly terrible deal with the publisher.
>I guess I need an agent. Hey, bring it to the bar and I'll sign it,
>exponentially increasing its value. That's a promise.
>
> One of Our "Favorite" Questions
>
>Gary Hughes of Santa Cruz writes, "Hipposudoric Acid? That's a bit
>much." And Fan Ameke, in a private conversation, intimated that this
>was among the things "that we know you just make up." So I "just" make
>things up, do I? Perhaps what you call "making things up" is another
>name for what I call the divine faculty of creation. Let's not discount
>the legitimacy of invention, people. It is, after all, the basis for
>fiction, art, music... the list goes on. But I did not make up
>Hipposudoric Acid. Why should I? And what is it, anyway, I hear some of
>you plaintively inquiring. Don't deny it! I'm Dr. Hal! I can hear you!
>"So where does it come from?" comes the sneering, snarky rejoinder.
>"Hippos? As in Hippopotamuses, or Hippopotami?" Well... yes, is the
>answer. This goo does ooze from the skin of the ferocious African
>"river horse," the Hippopotamus. It's not exactly sweat, by the way.
>It's one of two components (the other is Norhipposudoric acid) of a
>naturally secreted sunscreen, which, according to Japanese scientist
>Kimiko Hashimoto of Kyoto Pharmaceutical University, if industrious
>chemists could contrive more-stable derivatives, could be of great use
>to humanity. "These pigments," she says, "would be seeds of
>pharmaceutically important compounds." (see Science News, Vol. 165,
>No.22) The rampaging hippopotamuses (the correct plural) of Darkest
>Africa have long been said to "sweat blood" by Clyde Beatty and other
>Great White Hunter types of the past. This we now know is inaccurate.
>The red-orange exudation, which is not blood, can block microbial
>growth and some ultraviolet light. The pigments are highly acidic
>compounds containing carbon rings. And the secretions aren't
>technically sweat because hippos don't have the small sebaceous glan ds
>that produce it. Instead, much larger glands, located deeper within the
>pachydermatous hide of the beast, release the liquid through skin holes
>large enough to see with the naked eye, although you probably wouldn't
>want to get that close. Hippos are chronically bad-tempered and will
>slash at you, or each other with their razor-sharp tusks at the mildest
>provocation. But they don't get infections, though they rip each other
>in fights over territory or females. Why? Hipposudoric acid and its
>brother compound also have antibiotic properties-- as well as serving
>as the ideal organic sunscreen. That's why you never see a hippo with
>sunburn. Dr. Hashimoto suspects that the animals synthesize the
>pigments from common precursors such as the amino acid tyrosine.
>Perhaps the ultimate stable sunscreen has been found in this useful
>liquid. The only problems at the moment seem to be (1.) safely getting
>it from bad-tempered hippos and (2.) that it tu rns you red-orange. But
>Science marches on. See you at the Odeon!
>
>Boilerplate
>
> "Ask Dr. Hal" is elastic, ecumenical, eclectic and electric, and has
>even been known to be, in its way, erotic. Whatever it may be, it is
>certainly open to all seekers and thirsters after Enlightenment.
>Furthermore, special consultations and hands-on initiations are
>available in private, particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile
>females over the currently legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else,
>including would-be prospective opening act performers, are asked to
>present their resumes, life histories, astrological charts, nude
>photos, sob stories, requests for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen, BVDs,
>VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, CDs, DVDs and/or audition tapes directly
>to warm-hearted "Chicken" John for evaluation. I am unable, owing to
>serious demands on my time at present, to provide (shudder)
>"relationship" advice, give off-the-cuff psychological analyses, advise
>you in legal, medical or personal matters, crit ique your poetry,
>artwork or the manuscript of your novel, or perform an impromptu
>phrenological examination. Sorry, I must refrain from answering
>questions when "off duty." This is a period and condition which begins
>at the moment the show ends and regularly lasts until the beginning of
>the next week's performance. I'm not kidding, don't come at me with
>questions when it's not Wednesday and I'm not doing the show.
>Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up, no shoving, room for
>all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful, regretful, self-obsessed or
>feeble-minded, nor for cranks, fanatics, crank addicts, hysterics,
>epileptics, cataleptics, young, impressionable children or those who
>are no longer children but are (too) easily shocked. Some restrictions
>apply. Easy to play. Follow all directions. Be the first on your block
>to attend. We provide an Oracle of Truth; you provide the conse
>quences. Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals,
>corporate entertainment retreats, secret ceremonies, bar and bat
>mitzvahs. Scientific, educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive.
>Take cum grano salis. Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain
>clothing. No complicated machinery to buy. Anyone can play. Fun for
>the whole family (if, that is, the whole family is of legal drinking
>age). Pencils, envelopes, instruction booklets and question slips
>provided free of charge. No pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets.
>Witty, bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem Animal. Hariolation and
>Hermeneutics a specialty. Hypnotic, horrific and hypnopaedic. Reads tea
>leaves and t-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells, locates
>missing objects, heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit World,
>knows the Meaning of Life and the secrets of human hearts in this world
>and the next. Will design your tattoo. Available for Sex Magick. Bring
>your parents and loved ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals
>Past Lives and Life of the Past. The most amazing thing seen anywhere,
>I kid you not. Bachelors and cads, take notice: some of the most
>fetching (though crazy) women in San Francisco regularly attend. A
>co-production of the Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs Approved.
>Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of the hand, reads
>by touch the bumps on the head and the uncovered female body. Buy my
>horrid horror comic book, Grave Yarns. Brought to you by Camel
>cigarettes (remember, They Are Mild-- "I'd Walk a Mile for a Camel"),
>and by the Miracle Liquor Fernet Branca, proud sponsor of the Ask Dr.
>Hal show since 2001. From now on until the Sun goes Nova, incinerating
>all traces of the Works of Man, all questions instantly and irrevocably
>become the property of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal Robins, Chicken John, and
>K-jaschahalchickenrob Productions. We retain the right to deflect
>inappropriate questions and reject inappropriate questioners, abruptly,
>firmly, forcefully, gleefully and at will. Attn. Mission drunks (or
>Bambi Lake): if you try to disrupt our show, you will be "bounced."
>Although it is not strictly necessary to pay to enjoy the performance,
>and payment will not ensure your appreciation of the evening, all
>questions should ideally be submitted in a regulation envelope
>containing an emolument to receive the fullest possible consideration.
>The better (i.e. larger) the emolument, the better (i.e. long-winded)
>the answer. A premium emolument precipitates a "Bardic Recitation." For
>example, last week's show concluded (someone had tipped me a cool
>$16.00), with my interpretation of S.T. Coleridge's "Frost at
>Midnight." And I also included one of T.S. Eliot's kitty poems, the
>one about the "Gus, the Thea trical Cat." Too bad if you weren't there,
>eh? Of course, unpaid questions will be answered, but in binary form by
>an assembled mob of magic 8-balls. And if it's not a "yes or no"
>question, this doesn't work very well and tends to be somewhat
>unsatisfying. Still, no refunds given or answers guaranteed. You pay
>for it, you get it. No one religion or political party endorsed. If you
>don't see what you want, ask. Time tested. User-friendly. Preserved for
>Posterity. Written up in the weeklies. Taped for TV. Quoted at parties.
>Remembered in dreams, re-run in your nightmares. Astrally projected.
>Alive in Living Memory. Provides automotive information. The subject of
>after-dinner anecdotes. Will pop into your mind at unguarded moments.
>Are you really actually reading this? You are? Good for you. We're not
>for everybody, but what is? Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate
>our Freedom to laugh our heads off at shows like this, so-- it's
>important-- at the next election, vote them out of office. Located in
>the fibrillating, palpitating Heart of the teeming Deep Mission,
>fashionably below Cesar Chavez (the street, that is). Read all
>instructions (provided) before participating. Drink responsibly, but
>heavily. Robust alcohol consumption recommended for full enjoyment.
>Support the Odeon; order a drink or two, for the love of Mike, whoever
>he is. Some of us can't drink at all, remember. Boy, do we wish we
>could. Perhaps we will, by and by. 'Bye. And buy my book, won't you?
>Christmas and all that rot are now finally over, but there are still
>birthdays...