FWD from Dr. Hal-When Tyrannosaurs Attack Steam Shovels
Correspondent:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2005 13:28:49 -0500
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A MESSAGE FROM DR. HAL™ January 12th, 2005
"Ask Dr. Hal" Presents "When Tyrannosaurs Attack Steam Shovels!"
Carnivorous, Toothy Archosaur Battles Construction Equipment;
Emblematic Struggle as Past and Present Meet on the Field of Combat
And Don't Come too Late for Our Opening "Act"--
The Triumphant Return of Ted Schram!
The "Guy With the Guitar" to Serenade the Jaded Odeon Demimondaines
Once Again Early in '05
THE DR. HAL REPORT
C O N T E N T S :
TED SCHRAM, THE MAN WHAT AM: CDS? BUY DOZE - PREHISTORIC MONSTER vs.
CLANKING CONTRAPTION: MARCEL DELGADO'S LATER CREATION VS. ALPHA MALE
ENGINE OPERATOR WARD RAMSEY; FREE, & WORTH EVERY PENNY - SOCIAL NOTES:
BABES & BRAVOS; GHOSTS REMAIN IN THE MACHINE(RY); A GREEN BUS MOVES
AGAIN MAJESTICALLY AWAY FROM THE ODEON; NO EXTOLLING MY BOWLING; A
CHICKEN-MULLET MAN CONSPIRACY? LINE UP & SIGN UP - UPCOMING EVENTS:
K-ROB'S FILM FARM TO SCREEN MONSTER MOVIE HEAVEN: THE 7th VOYAGE OF
SINBAD, VERTIGINOUS VIDEOS - TWO & A HALF GREAT RADIO SHOWS - SPECIAL
NOTICE: LOST SOX & HARD KNOX: MAKE TRAX TO BUY THE MEANING OF LOST AND
MISMATCHED SOCKS - ERRATA: MEA MAXIMA CULPA - JUST ONE OF OUR FAVORITE
QUESTIONS: OPIUM PIPES AND BAMBOOZLEMENT - OUR DANGLING DISCLAIMER
Our Pre-show Features A Tempestuous Troubador...
At the Odeon Bar and Night Club, San Francisco's Variety Arts Showcase
at 3223 Mission St. @ 29th, this Wednesday night, after 9:30 PM, if
you're ready for us, we're ready for you-- to come down and get away
from it all. We offer our award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) night
club show, effervescent, sparkling, light-hearted, informative. And
before Chicken, K-Rob and I take the stage, treat yourself to the
incomparable musical stylings of Ted Schram. He's helped us out before,
on November 17th, 2004. Ted has worked in the past with Chris Ball and
Cyrus Becker among others. Those who wish to hear more will be given an
opportunity to purchase two of this entertainer's CD's, Songs With
Little Or No Socially Redeeming Value and Downstairs. A merry time will
be had by all. Then, after the opener, the main part of our show
begins, and...
...then, a Tyrannosaurus rex goes Six Rounds with a Steam Shovel!
Actually, it's just a power shovel, as I think internal combustion is
involved. But you'll see them go at, all right, it in the greatest
knock-down drag-out since the second Clay-Liston fight, in our special
K-Rob Mystery Mandatory Dinosaur Movie Segment. Stop-motion technique
sheds its glory on the proceedings once again, of an impressive
dinosaur hand-crafted by unjustly unsung artisan Marcel Delgado, with
animation honors from Tom Holland and Don Sahlin. Yes, as you will see,
we have acquired another great Short Subject for you from K-Rob''s
twitching virtual, digital fingers, culled from the old Ward Ramsey
classic, Dinosaurus! It's just one of the glittering Pearls of Great
Price, so to speak, incubated by the Giant Clam of Ask Dr. Hal. We've
got the one and only Ted Schram. We've got David Capurro, and even a
Tyrannosaur going mano a mano with a Diesel digger, or perhaps a
modified construction crane, operated by square-jawed "Bob" Dobbs
look-alike Ward Ramsey. We've got movies, gags, Mystery Guests and
mind-raping special effects. We've got supertechnician Jascha; we've
got Chicken and K-Rob, the Largest in Captivity. And, of course we
answer every and any question you wish to ask during the Dr. Hal Show
proper. And you know what? I'll tell you what. Just hold on to your
hatpins--
Can you believe it? It's all, remarkably, COMPLETELY FREE!
That's right, Ladies and Germs, there is no cover, no charge for those
who amble into the Odeon to take in our show. Yet that's not to say
that we don't spend our precious time, quite a bit of it, in fact,
getting it ready for you. (Just writing and sending this newsletter
takes many irreplaceable hours.) And though most of what you see and
hear is, perforce, improvised, you can bet that this selfsame
improvisation rests on a groundwork of sound theatrical preparation.
Come for the show, or just for a tête-à-tête with one close to you in
surroundings especially congenial for a rendezvous. We won't tell. Of
course, it might show up later as an Item in...
Social Notes
Following upon the tumultuous Borg2 meeting moderated by Bishop Joey,
the Hal show boasted a large, rumbustious crowd. I saw $teven Ra$pa,
Ms. Ayden Bremner, Harriet Haynes, swooner-crooner Zoli with the
enchanting Elwyn, Kate Osborne who owing to a soi-dissant "9AM Doctor's
Appointment" couldn't go bowling, and Kai "Star Wars" Miller, who used
the same excuse, but we forgive her, since they both acknowledged that
it made them "very sad." (sniff...) Krista Bray of Chaos Cabaret,
Twilight Zone and Ring Girl fame, volatile, vivacious Violet of the
Xtra Action Marching Band and fetching Fan Ameke rubbed shoulders and
elbows (and I don't know what else) with adventurers Don & Tracy,
Freddi Price & Lilli, Baltimore Phil and neo-rapper Benjamin Burke...
Cloé, still too innocent (age-wise) for the O., nonetheless accompanied
all aboard the green Odeon Applause Bus to exotic Daly City for the
traditional Wee Hours Bowling extravaganza, canine companion in tow...
We saw the Bodés, Mark & Molly (& sister Millie-- let's hear it for
togetherness)! Astronomer Pete Goldie & indulgent, supportive Sarah
Szczechowicz, blazingly beauteous bartender Jean, Kimric the Master
Pyrotechnician and Paul the well-groomed Gentleman Farmer and Patron of
the Arts were on hand to keep the Question Pitcher full... David Kaye,
captivating Captina and thrilling Therése show no signs to date of
tiring of our particular brand of "irritainment™..." Jascha, our acting
Technical Director, heeded Chicken's call to get the Poltergeists out
of the sound equipment and almost succeeded... David Capurro, Yo-yo
Manipulator Extraordinaire, monitored the Internet all through the
show, serving up imagery that repulsed even Chicken John... K-Rob too
was in rare form, tossing the musical and sound-effects salad with
aplomb. Scott Beale, primary Laughing Squid Tentacle, hovered
isostatically near the edges, as did "Gashouse Butch" of Hunter's
Point... Slinky Nevis Hagmeier, Odeon factotum, wasn't there in an
official capacity, or at least she did go all the way with us to Serra
Bowl... So did Jean, speaking of fine bowling form, who managed to
close up just in time... I don't know why it is, but sometimes I'm in
"the Zone" and sometimes I ain't, the only explanation for my low, low
score at the ninepins. Still, before that exquisite humiliation
transpired, I think that at least we managed to turn in one of our
better shows. And what was Chicken up to in clandestine conference with
none other than the crusty old guy who hands out the bowling shoes,
renowned in these pages and elsewhere for sporting an incredible,
indelible mullet, or, to speak more narrowly, a pon-a-dour? We'll all
be finding out soon enough, I reckon. I saw the guy fling his arm
around Chicken as they both walked away... But who didn't I mention? I
always seem to leave someone out. Come on, autograph K-Rob's Sign-Up
Sheet, won't you? Then I can get your John Hancock into this column,
see? You can't miss K-Rob's Sheet-- it's always at the front of the
stage, stuck there with Scotch tape. Then I un-stick it, take it home
and use it to write this column. Sweet set-up, eh?
Upcoming Events
Here are some of the must-see hot tickets for the near future, a chorus
of related happenings chirping and twittering in the same branches as
are we, presented as a public service by the Ask Dr. Hal Report, which
is responsible for all accuracy or factual errors from the following:
Ongoing
"K-Rob's Thursday Night Film Farm" -- K-Rob the great has the soul of
an exhibitor. He keeps it in his pajama pants pocket... No, seriously,
he delights in putting on a film show; he's often proved it at the
Odeon with his dizzying prodigies of Video Editing, and separately at
such far flung venues as, say, the disturbing SubGenius 3-Day & Night
Outdoor Movie & Ritualistic Sadistic Torture & Bondage "Boot Camp"--
remember that? back in May of last year (see the Dr. Hal Report, Vol.
I, No. 11). How the time flies... And watch for notice of another one
of these cinematic smorgasbords the same perpetrators could be
plotting. Anyway, each Thursday, K-Rob's now running an Odeon Cinema
series. And.. it's FREE, FREE, FREE! Cm'on-- when even daytime matinees
in this benighted burg cost a painful $7.50, where else can you go for
a free flippin' movie? Not to mention that you can hang out with bon
vivant K-Rob and toothsome, tender bartender Jenner (insert wolf
whistle here), and order hard liquor, an amenity most theaters are
usually reluctant to pass out with the popcorn. Each K-Rob movie
program starts at 7:00 PM and runs through 9:00 PM, and includes
trailers, short subjects, cartoons, the whole Taco Supreme. This week
it's.. it's... The 7th Voyage of Sinbad! Filmed in Dynamation, the New
Miracle of the Screen! SEE the man-eating, one-eyed, one-horned,
goat-legged giant Cyclops stride along the beach in pursuit of Sinbad's
crew! SEE the evil miracle, the sorcerous transmutation of the
Princess's handmaiden into a four-tentacled, snake-bodied Nautch
dancer! MARVEL as a sinister spell shrinks the haughty Princess to
mouse-size! BEHOLD the enormous, two-headed roc and observe its
elephantine chick hatching from an egg as large as an Airstream
trailer! THRILL to the roar and the sight of Magog, the fire-breathing
dragon! GASP at the eerie duel to the death with a living skeleton, as
swords clash on a spiral stairway to nowhere! All this, and much, much
more. The "sleeper" of 1958, this Columbia Morningside production
boasts genius Ray Harryhausen's unrivaled stop-motion animation and the
unforgettable music of Bernard Herrmann (Citizen Kane, Psycho),
greatest film composer of all time. With Kerwin Matthews (Battle
Beneath the Earth, Seven Days in May), Torin Thatcher (Great
Expectations, The Crimson Pirate), Richard Eyer (The Invisible Boy) and
Kathryn (Mrs. Bing) Crosby. Directed by Nathan Juran. Now, seriously,
isn't it about time you started coming to these?
"Puzzling Evidence" -- For more than twenty years, this Church of the
SubGenius-affiliated radio show has been on the air on KPFA 94.1 FM;
its current time slot is 3-5 AM Friday mornings (you might consider it
late Thursday nights as we often do). I, Dr. Howland Owll appear along
with Dr. Philo Drummond (visit his website at
http://www.quiveringbrain.com ) and
on-board bored board operator Puzzling Evidence himself (The "Tash").
Sometimes K-Rob joins us, sometimes other Mystery Guests. All Talk, No
Rock. A cascade of echoing glossolaliac madness, the voicing of lyric
ruminations from the brains of disintegrating personalities. Of course,
you may just hate it. But maybe not. After all, Kelek Stevenson told me
she listens. So there. And, if you're up, why not give it a try? Maybe
you could call in (after 4:00 AM) at (510) 848-4425..."
"Radio KROB" -- Yes, the enigma known as K-Rob can still be heard at a
much more accessible time, Fridays, 10 PM to Midnight on sf liberation
radio (webcast only), still going strong, when he'll elevate you with
his unique brand of "elevator music," (an elitist pleasure) and on
Sundays, 6PM to Midnight on Pirate Cat Radio 87.9 FM for what he calls
stimulus regression programming. Arroo-ga! K.R., broadcasting from the
always-innovative Dark Room Theatre, promises to play some of his
MP3-recorded "mixes" you may have missed at our other shows, Dr. Hal
fans. If you can stand the smoke and flames, and hear the cannon's
roar, this is the show for you. Go ahead, tune in, K-Rob fans-- see
what all the shouting is about.
Announcement
I, Dr. Hal, have written a book. It's called The Meaning of Lost and
Mismatched Socks, and its publisher is Frog, Ltd. (North Atlantic
Books). This tome was written, indexed, and packed with illustrations
by Yours Truly under the nom de plume of Dr. Perditus Pedale, M.D.,
Ph.D., but don't be fooled: it's really me. ("Cyberpunk" author) John
Shirley wrote it up with a good review last year, bless him-- I think
you just might still be able to read it if you access his backlog at
his "blog" at
http://johnshirley.net
and then there was another favorable review on-line at boingboing.net;
look to see if you can still find it at
www.boingboing.net/2004/09/23/new_hal_robins_book_.html
Whoever wrote this inexplicably referred to my "high-pitched voice,"
but it's otherwise a good notice. And I have to say, I haven't
encountered anyone who's read the thing who disliked it... Now, in this
book, I finally answer a question originally put to me at "The Wizard
of Ass" out in the desert some years ago, as Chicken reminded me back
in 2004. You see, I eventually do get around to answering all
questions; with certain of these it just takes me longer, as in this
case. This book costs a cool $9.95, but all books are expensive these
days-- I can't help that. However, I'd hate to have written a
"dullsville" book that didn't sell, for that would sully my already
bedeviled & benighted reputation even further. So, Dr. Hal fans, if you
really are out there, for Dobbs's sake go ahead and prove it, why don't
you, by going out and getting this book. And if you like it, you might
want to get my next book, Dinosaur Alphabet (now in preparation). But
first things first. ISBN number 1-58394-097-9, paperback (but the
dinosaur book, which I'm working on now, will be a hardback, when I get
it finished-- I'm aiming for the Fall 2005 season). Available in many
bookstores, I suppose (on my recent trip to N.Y.C. I saw they were
carrying it at Shakespeare & Co.), and on amazon.com. Help an
impoverished author (I really, really am) this holiday season. I'm
going to have to sell an enormous mountain-high pile of these for my
royalties to kick in; I have a truly terrible deal with the publisher.
I guess I need an agent. Hey, bring it to the bar and I'll sign it,
exponentially increasing its value. That's a promise.
Errata
In last issue's Social Notes, Momo and Therése were mentioned as a
couple who attended the December 29th (2005) Ask Dr. Hal. A neat trick,
since they are actually both the same person. The Dr. Hal Report
regrets the error.
One of Our Favorite Questions
"Dr. Hal," do you have any shows coming up that aren't at the Odeon, or
do you only perform at Chicken's joint these days? And, why is it
called a 'joint' anyway? Because of marijuana smoking?" Some questions
I get are "all over the map." This one's practically a Mercator
projection. But I'll try to tie it together. Do I have any non-Odeon
shows? Sure, probably. I can't say when-- nobody's asked me recently
(which is all it takes, though any request including an offer of
compensation gets my attention faster, so to speak). It's true that my
most regular live performance is weekly at the Odeon; you know where
I'll be every Wednesday night. In any event, if I have a gig anywhere
else you'll certainly read about it here, don't you know? Just keep
reading the Dr. Hal Report, usually a reliable calendar of my
activities. I am on the radio every Friday morning 3-5 AM (see
"Puzzling Evidence" above, in "Social Notes.") Why is a run-down club,
or bar, or restaurant, or dive, or whatever referred to as a "joint?"
Well, to answer that we have to go back to ancient China. It doesn't,
by the way, have anything to do with marijuana smoking. Marijuana
smoking is illegal and not encouraged at the Odeon. What it has to do
with is opium smoking. You see, the pipes used in traditional Chinese
opium dens were crafted of bamboo and had many "joints." It has been
suggested that marijuana cigarettes are also known as "joints" because
of their association with opium dens, but this seems a weak connection
to me. Now, bamboo, that useful plant, also figures in another
expression. That's the colloquial verb, "bamboozle," e.g. to swindle,
scam or cheat. It seems that the Chinese custom was to punish swindlers
by whacking them on the hands and back with bamboo poles. Anyone so
treated was known as a "bamboozler," one worthy of being tanned with
bamboo. I swear I don't make this stuff up, folks. No, in case you were
wondering, we don't smoke opium at the Odeon either, though that has a
certain ring to it: opium at the Odeon. Hmmm... See you there!
Boilerplate
"Ask Dr. Hal" is elastic, ecumenical, eclectic and electric, and has
even been known to be, in its way, erotic. Whatever it may be, it is
certainly open to all seekers and thirsters after Enlightenment.
Furthermore, special consultations and hands-on initiations are
available in private, particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile
females over the currently legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else,
including would-be prospective opening act performers, are asked to
present their resumes, life histories, astrological charts, nude
photos, sob stories, requests for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen, BVDs,
VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, CDs, DVDs and/or audition tapes directly
to warm-hearted "Chicken" John for evaluation. I am unable, owing to
serious demands on my time at present, to provide (shudder)
"relationship" advice, give off-the-cuff psychological analyses, advise
you in legal, medical or personal matters, crit ique your poetry,
artwork or the manuscript of your novel, or perform an impromptu
phrenological examination. Sorry, I must refrain from answering
questions when "off duty." This is a period and condition which begins
at the moment the show ends and regularly lasts until the beginning of
the next week's performance. I'm not kidding, don't come at me with
questions when it's not Wednesday and I'm not doing the show.
Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up, no shoving, room for
all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful, regretful, self-obsessed or
feeble-minded, nor for cranks, fanatics, crank addicts, hysterics,
epileptics, cataleptics, young, impressionable children or those who
are no longer children but are (too) easily shocked. Some restrictions
apply. Easy to play. Follow all directions. Be the first on your block
to attend. We provide an Oracle of Truth; you provide the conse
quences. Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals,
corporate entertainment retreats, secret ceremonies, bar and bat
mitzvahs. Scientific, educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive.
Take cum grano salis. Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain
clothing. No complicated machinery to buy. Anyone can play. Fun for
the whole family (if, that is, the whole family is of legal drinking
age). Pencils, envelopes, instruction booklets and question slips
provided free of charge. No pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets.
Witty, bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem Animal. Hariolation and
Hermeneutics a specialty. Hypnotic, horrific and hypnopaedic. Reads tea
leaves and t-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells, locates
missing objects, heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit World,
knows the Meaning of Life and the secrets of human hearts in this world
and the next. Will design your tattoo. Available for Sex Magick. Bring
your parents and loved ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals
Past Lives and Life of the Past. The most amazing thing seen anywhere,
I kid you not. Bachelors and cads, take notice: some of the most
fetching (though crazy) women in San Francisco regularly attend. A
co-production of the Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs Approved.
Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of the hand, reads
by touch the bumps on the head and the uncovered female body. Buy my
horrid horror comic book, Grave Yarns. Brought to you by Camel
cigarettes (remember, They Are Mild-- "I'd Walk a Mile for a Camel"),
and by the Miracle Liquor Fernet Branca, proud sponsor of the Ask Dr.
Hal show since 2001. From now on until, scorning what he chanced to
mold in play, the idiot Chaos blows Earth's dust away, all questions
instantly and irrevocably become the property of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal
Robins, Chicken John, and K-jaschickahaldrenrobcha Productions. We
retain the right to deflect inappropriate questions and reject
inappropriate questioners, abruptly, firmly, forcefully, gleefully and
at will. Attn. Mission drunks (or Bambi Lake): if you try to disrupt
our show, you will be "bounced." Although it is not strictly necessary
to pay to enjoy the performance, and payment will not ensure your
appreciation of the evening, all questions should ideally be submitted
in a regulation envelope containing an emolument to receive the fullest
possible consideration. The better (i.e. larger) the emolument, the
better (i.e. long-winded) the answer. A premium emolument precipitates
a "Bardic Recitation." For example, last week's show included my
interpretation of Lewis Carroll's "Father William." In fact, weird
noises from K-Rob's equipment threw me off and I left out two verses.
Oh, well. Too bad if you weren't there, eh? Of course, unpaid questions
will be answered, but in binary form by an assembled mob of magic
8-balls. The new Sternbergh 8-ball can even speak its reply aloud.
Still, if it's not a "yes or no" question, this doesn't work very well,
and tends to be somewhat unsatisfying. Just the same, no refunds given
or answers guaranteed. You pay for it, you get it. No one religion or
political party endorsed. If you don't see what you want, ask. Time
tested. User-friendly. Preserved for Posterity. Written up in the
weeklies. Taped for TV. Quoted at parties. Remembered in dreams, re-run
in your nightmares. Astrally projected. Alive in Living Memory.
Provides automotive information. The subject of after-dinner anecdotes.
Will pop into your mind at unguarded moments. Are you really actually
reading this? You are? Good for you. We're not for everybody, but what
is? Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate our Freedom to laugh our
heads off at shows like this, so-- it's important-- at the next
election, vote them out of office. Located in the fibrillating,
palpitating Heart of the teeming Deep Mission, fashionably below Cesar
Chavez (the street, that is). Read all instructions (provided) before
participating. Drink responsibly, but heavily. Robust alcohol
consumption recommended for full enjoyment. Support the Odeon; order a
drink or two, for the love of Mike, whoever he is. Some of us can't
drink at all, remember. Boy, do we wish we could. Perhaps we will, by
and by. 'Bye. And buy my book, won't you? The holidays are finally
gone--but there are still birthdays...
--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB