Message from Dr. Hal - When Dinosaurs Are Domestic
Correspondent:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 10:13:43 -0500
--------
February 2nd, 2005
"Ask Dr. Hal" Presents "When Dinosaurs are Domestic!"
Surprising Scenes of Home Life among the Archosaurs Shown in Intimate
Detail, Edited by K-Rob & Narrated by Dr. Hal
And Don't Come too Late to Enjoy our Opening "Act"--
The Return of
Circus Redickuless
Back from the Dead, or perhaps just a Nice Long Rest
THE DR. HAL REPORT
SPECIAL (POSSIBLE) BUS RIDE EDITION
Bus Rides are cancelled in the event of indisposition of the driver
and/or over-wet weather, purely as a safety measure. In the event of a
wash-out owing to an excess of precipitation 2 (two) days previous to
the show or later, the traditional beginning-of-the-month excursion to
the bewildered bowling alley may or may not be postponed to the next
active session of Ask Dr. Hal, depending entirely on showman "Chicken"
John's temperament & caprice. Your safety is of paramount importance to
us, the Odeon Stock Company & Management. Bus Plunges, collisions and
other serious catastrophes detract from the overall experience of "Ask
Dr. Hal" and are avoided whenever possible.
C O N T E N T S :
ON THE BILL: K-ROB COLLECTS DOMESTIC DINOSAUR MOMENTS: OPENING ACT:
RESURRECTION OF A ROAD TRIP IN DOCUMENTARY DETAIL: WILL CHICKEN
NARRATE? HELL, HE MIGHT NOT EVEN BE THERE; BUT THAT'S JUST WHO WILL BE,
IN THAT EVENT (JOHN HELL, THAT IS) - THE WONDERFUL BUS TRIP (MAY OR MAY
NOT HAPPEN, & WHY) - SOCIAL NOTES: JASCHA EPHRAIM'S WIGGED-OUT WILD MAN
ACT KICKS OFF THE PROCEEDINGS; CHICK NIXES PTERODACTYL FLICK; DR.
GOLDIE'S SPACE NEWS; CAPURRO GLOMS MORE FERNET SHOTS; TALKING 8-BALL
'PHONE MOUTHS OFF; LINE UP & SIGN UP - UPCOMING EVENTS: ONGOING:
K-ROB'S FILM FARM WILL SCREEN DAVID LYNCH'S 1990 THRILLER WILD AT
HEART: K.R. WILL ALSO SHOW VERTIGINOUS VIDEOS; TWO & A HALF GREAT RADIO
SHOWS; ROCOCCO RISQUE: LIBERTIES TAKEN AT DANZHAUS; THE PRINCESS BRIDE
AT THE DARK ROOM - ONE TIME ONLY: BORG2 TO PRESENT GIANT FLYING PIG SEX
DISASTER FUNDRAISER FOR NOBEL PRIZE CONSIDERATION - ANNOUNCEMENT: LOST
SOX & HARD KNOX: MAKE TRAX TO BUY THE MEANING OF LOST AND MISMATCHED
SOCKS; SOON YOU'LL BE ABLE TO GET IT (THE BOOK) RIGHT AT THE ODEON.
ULTRA-RARE MONSTER HORROR COMIC BOOK ALSO FOR SALE: ONLY A FEW LEFT -
SOME OF OUR FAVORITE QUESTIONS: WHERE ARE THE B'S? AND WHY DO THEY CALL
IT-- SLAPSTICK? - OUR DING-DANG DAMNFOOL DOG-GONE DANGLING DISCLAIMER
At home with the Dinosauria...
"Millions of years ago, giant dinosaurs roamed the earth." How many
times have you heard that before? What did dinosaurs do? Well, they
"ro-o-o-oamed the earth." They did, in fact, in many cases, travel vast
distances along migratory routes, in enormous herds. Ichnological
(trackway) evidence shows this pretty clearly. But, surely, there was
more to life for these interesting creatures than all this... roaming.
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, Messieurs et Mesdames, Damen und Herren,
Signore e Signori, Pani e Pane-- your attention, please! The
award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) "Ask Dr. Hal" show this upcoming
Wednesday night, February 2nd at the Odeon, San Francisco's Variety
Arts Showcase at 3223 Mission St. at Valencia, will feature, as an
extra attraction, another "special" edit by K-Rob, which we call,
"Dinosaur Domesticity." Alternate title: "Home Life of the
Archosaurs." Without question, dinosaurs had complex social lives; not
only has the work of Horner and others revealed this beyond question,
but even crocodiles, who with birds phylogenetically bracket the
Dinosauria, are known to care for their young and exhibit subtleties of
temperament. K-Rob's new sequence, showing intimate saurian scenes via
the deathless art of stop-motion animation, will shed light on the
familial sociology of the Mesozoic. Let's let the "attacks" rest for a
week. Of course, we will be bringing them right back after this... All
courtesy of the master movie archivist, K-Rob (see the section about
K-Rob's Film Farm below), and just one small part of the total package
we offer at our night club show, repetitive yet surprising, mordant but
effervescent, confusing but explicit, trenchant but sparkling, profound
but light-hearted, incongruous but ultimately informative, as once more
we bring its unusual brand of conviviality and information to an outré
but receptive audience. You're invited to join them this week, when a
famed documentary will open the proceedings. It (our "teaser" for the
night) is Circus Ridickuless, the hard-hitting story of a bus-load of
weirdos making their way from one disastrous engagement to the next.
Watch as relationships fray and end, tempers flare, disillusioned
performers drop out, and unforgivable words get uttered. It's a
historic overview of Ringmaster Chicken John and his zoned-out band of
Punk circus performers as they and their tour bus grind on (and on) in
the ultimate chaotic road trip, breaking down again and again, failing
to meet expectations at every gig, and more or less laying the
groundwork for Chicken's empire of today.
...and a Bus Ride caps the Evening!
Or maybe not. You see, two things can put the kibosh on that. First, on
this Tuesday, the day before the show, Chicken John will have a
"medical procedure" performed (he's getting a soul transplant). He may
well be too tuckered, after going under the knife the day before, to
helm the Hal show and deal with its various challenges, let alone drive
the entire Odeon audience to a bowling alley in a 1968 GMC motor coach
with an 8-cylinder Diesel engine, a 3-speed automatic Allison tranny
and no power steering.
But aside from this serious consideration, folks, even if he is there
and feels up to it, if we get more rainy weather the whole thing
just... isn't safe. We'll have to postpone, probably to the date of
next week's Hal show. Watch this space for details. Well, you ask,
without Chicken, can the show even go on? You bet it can. As before, a
guest host, the redoubtable John Hell will step into Chicken's Hush
Puppies. He's done it before, after all. You may remember him from such
previous forays into the sublime as The Power Tool Drag Races last June
(see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. I, No. 15). So we'll have a show, all
right. Indeed we will. Yes, the traditional triumvirate of Chicken John
(or most likely John Hell), K-Rob and I, Dr. Howland Owll shall take
the steerer's post of our entirely interactive presentation, wherein
each and every one of your questions shall be answered. A memorable
time will be had by all. Just think-- we've got movies, gags, Mystery
Guests and mind-violating special effects. We've got Dinosaur Home Life
revealed. We've got the Circus Ridickuless Horror Documentary, in
color, sound and Chickenvision. We have the amazing John Hell if
Chicken falters; and we have the great K-Rob, the Largest in Captivity.
But the astounding thing, the most unheard-of thing of all, is (drum
roll please, Maestro)...
THIS SHOW, THE WHOLE MEGILLA -- IT'S... IT'S ALL COMPLETELY
FREE!
That's right; believe it-- there is no cover, no charge for those who
rendezvous at the Odeon to take in our show. Despite this, we do spend
our precious time, quite a bit of it, in fact, getting it ready for
you. See for yourself-- or just come in for a tête-à-tête with one
close to you, in a comfortable hideaway we provide. Our lips will be
sealed. Of course, it might show up later in The Dr. Hal Report as a
hot item in the section called...
Social Notes
We started spectacularly with the high-energy antics of Jascha Ephraim
(pronounced Yah-shah F-rum). Technical Director for the Dr. Hal show,
he fully exposed his additional credentials as a demented and dedicated
rocker, almost unbearably amping the excitement as, freed by the
wireless mike and peeled down to his long johns, he stalked through the
crowd. This vigorous set was preceded by a brief documentary on him
which showed some of his other performances (and the fanatical devotion
of his ardent fans). The documentary, though, did not prepare the
audience enough for his unrestrained dynamism. Fetching Robin Frohardt
came in while it was going on, and was quite surprised-- when he came
right up to her and grabbed her as he sang at the top of his voice,
knocking off her hat. She wasn't the only one to be caught off guard
as, emoting and continuing to sing, he leaped, crouched, flailed, and
toured the entire club. A tidal wave of applause greeted the conclusion
of his last number. A hard act to follow (we're hoping he'll give us an
encore at a future show), but Yours Truly, K-Rob and Chicken did our
best. As so often happens, the latter personage made cutting comments
about Ray Harryhausen's Pterodactyl sequence (a K-Rob movie moment) but
most attendees enjoyed it anyway, applauding at the finish... Mishka
came back for more, as did Mark McCoy... Artist Kaosmic Kitty also made
a rare appearance at the show...Pete Goldie, astronomer and
man-about-town, delivered the biweekly Titan-Huygens Flyby Report with
slides of this exciting robot space mission, and distributed NASA
memorabilia. This stuff is probably collectible since the Bush
Administration has slashed all future funds for its creation... Slinky
siren Kai Miller came to the O. for the Hal show on her birthday, but
not, alas, in her birthday suit... Yo-yo genius Doc Pop detailed his
Kurt Russell fixation... Scott Mongeau wanted to know what's the matter
with Dark Matter (in the universe); I hope he liked the answer... Kate
Osborne rubbed elbows with David Kaye... Rachel was there-- it was she
who put up the bunting for the previous week's Borg2 Election (see The
Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IV, No. 1); Josh the Orange Box Man was also very
much in evidence... K-Rob canoodled before the show with Erica, who's
still using the crutches we saw her with on last year's Chaos Cabaret
tour (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. III, No. 2)-- here's hoping she gets
that cast off soon... Striking Jenay Growden was celebrating,
anticipating her birthday, which is Jan. 30th if I don't misspeak
myself; happy natal day, Jenay...Ena, who had a date with a flying
trapeze last time and consequently missed the show, cooly tended to
buzzed-out swarms of thirsty barflies... Curvaceous Krista Bray, former
Chris Karney Ring Girl and future (perhaps-- one can hope) member of
the Dr. Hal team, chatted with pogo-stick ecdysiast Roky Roulette-- it
was just like Old Home Week... 'Puter whiz David Capurro foxed Chicken
out of yet more Fernet Branca with his crazy questions, while the
latter howled in dismay like a werewolf... The Talking Robot 8-Ball, a
gift from cartoonist-socialite Leslie Sternbergh of New York City, had
another chance to display its fruity voice and prophetic chops...
Benjamin Burke came in on the heels of the show and helped me out--
with a ride home, much appreciated. Now, if you were there I guess I
just didn't see you. Come on, autograph K-Rob's Sign-Up Sheet on the
dotted line. Then I can get your John Hancock into this column, see?
Oh, you can't miss that old K-Rob Sheet-- it's always at the front of
the stage, stuck there firmly with Scotch tape. Then I un-stick it,
tearing it in the process, take it home and use it to write this
column. That's the way it works. So do your part; help me monitor your
moniker-- or be forever left off the page...
Upcoming Events
Here are some of the must-see hot tickets for the near future, a buzz
of related happenings stridulating and droning in the same mound as are
we, presented as a public service by the Ask Dr. Hal Report, which is
responsible for all accuracy or factual errors from the following:
Ongoing
"K-Rob's Thursday Night Film Farm" -- K-Rob the great has the soul of
an exhibitor. He keeps it wrapped in an unspeakable, grotty, stained,
crusted handkerchief jammed deep in his 'jama pants pocket... No,
seriously, he delights in putting on a film show, he really does-- he's
often proved it at the Odeon with his dizzying displays of Video
Editing, and separately at such far flung venues as, say, the neurotic
"SubGenius" 3-Day & Night Outdoor Movie Festival-a-rama & Endurance
Marathon-- remember that? back in May of last year (see the Dr. Hal
Report, Vol. I, No. 11). How the time fries... And watch for notice of
another one of these fulsome cinematic watermelon-eating contests the
same perpetrators could be plotting to put on... Anyway, each Thursday,
K-Rob's now running an Odeon Cinema series. And.. it's FREE, FREE,
FREE! Cm'on-- when even daytime matinees in this benighted burg cost at
best a painful, wallet-lightening $7.50, where else can you go for a
free frickin' movie? Not to mention that you can hang out with both bon
vivant K-Rob and easy-on-the-eyes Ena, and order hard liquor, an
amenity most theaters are usually reluctant to pass out with the
popcorn. Each K-Rob movie program starts at 7:00 PM and runs through
9:00 PM, and includes trailers, short subjects, cartoons, the whole
Chimichanga Gigante. This week it's.. it's... Wild at Heart. "Dead
Elvis meets The Wizard of Oz in the movie that put David Lynch on
America's lunchbox," summarizes K.R. With Nicolas Cage in full blown
Elvis mode, having rear-entry sex with Laura Dern and contending with
grotesque monsters Willem Dafoe and Diane Ladd among others; also
featuring Crispin Glover, Harry Dean Stanton, Isabella Rossellini,
Freddie Jones, Sherilyn Fenn and Marvin Kaplan as "Uncle Pooch." A
love-starved young woman is on the run with a paroled murderer. A
psycho Mom puts a P. I. and a deranged hit man on their trail. Some
scenes are hard to watch; and then there are those typical Lynch scenes
that cause you to realize you still don't know what the Hell you saw.
Very wicked soundtrack featuring Chris Isaak and Gene Vincent. But the
erotic, violent and irreverent script is what holds this cast together.
Now, seriously, isn't it about time you started coming to these?
"Puzzling Evidence" -- For more than twenty years, this Church of the
SubGenius-affiliated radio show has been on the air on KPFA 94.1 FM;
its current time slot is 3-5 AM Friday mornings (you might consider it
late Thursday nights as we often do). I, Dr. Howland Owll appear along
with Dr. Philo Drummond (visit his website at
http://www.quiveringbrain.com ) and
on-board bored board operator Puzzling Evidence himself (The "Tash").
Sometimes K-Rob joins us, sometimes other Mystery Guests. All Talk, No
Rock. A cascade of echoing glossolaliac madness, the voicing of lyric
ruminations from the free-falling brains of disintegrating
personalities. And some people, demented individuals, obsessively
record every word and squealing sound effect. Of course, you may just
hate it. But maybe not. After all, lovely Kelek Stevenson told me she
listens. So there. And, if you're up, why not give it a try? Maybe you
could even, you know, call in (after 4:00 AM) at (510) 848-4425..."
"Radio KROB" -- Yes, the enigma known as K-Rob can still be heard at a
much more accessible time, now on Fridays, 10 PM to Midnight on SF
Liberation Radio (webcast only), still going strong, when he'll elevate
you with his unique brand of "elevator music," (an elitist pleasure)
and now on Saturdays, 6PM to Midnight on Pirate Cat Radio 87.9 FM for
what he calls stimulus regression programming. Gro-onk! K.R.,
broadcasting from the always-innovative Dark Room Theatre, promises to
play some of his MP3-recorded "mixes" you may have missed at our other
shows, all you Dr. Hal attendees. If you can stand to smell the smoke,
see the flames, and hear the cannon's roar, this is the show for you.
Go ahead, tune in, K-Rob fans-- see what all the shouting is about.
"Rococo Risqué: Liberties Taken--" The Red Gate Performance
Collective's 5th Biannual Flagship Show, opening February 11th! Playing
4 weekends (Friday and Saturday) from Feb. 11th & 12th to March 4th &
5th, at Danzhaus, 1275 Connecticut St. (at Cesar Chavez) San Francisco,
California. It's between U.S. 101 and 280, serviced by the #19 Muni
coach. Enjoying the Rebirth of Burlesque? Prepare for a torrent of
Girls, Gags & Glamour. "Lady Liberty herself finally gets down from her
pedestal to present a cabaret 'styled in the great tradition of the
USO.' Now, thanks to the miraculous technological advances pioneered by
Dr. Herbert Kerbers, this epochal entertainment will be transmitted
live, directly to the hearts and minds of the world's civilian
population, as well as broadcast to our finely fatigued friends across
the globe," writes to-die-for Chanteuse Ariela Morgenstern, whom, lucky
you, you can see and hear at this gig. Note to wolves: ALL these women
are not only frighteningly talented but also gorgeous. You can bet I'll
be there-- in the front row. Doors open at 7:00 PM; Show proper starts
at 8:00. The price for a night in Paradise: $10.00 from
www.rococorisque.com.
...or at the door, $15.00. Be a part of this historic Cabaret moment.
Tell 'em Dr. Hal sent you...
"The Princess Bride: the Play--" February 4th, 6th, 11th, and 12th,
2005. Friday & Saturday at 8PM; Sunday (the last show) at 4PM. This
much-loved show's run has, one final time, been extended to make sure
you have a chance to take it in. Perhaps you saw the movie a few years
back (featuring the late Andre the Giant). Now those Dark Room
die-hards have effected a magical transformation of their own in their
full-blooded adaptation of this work for their innovative stage.
Inspired by the classic tale of high adventure and true romance by
William Goldman. Don't say there's nothing special to see in S.F.! Yes,
another Impossible Production ( The Twilight Zone, Night of the Living
Dead, the Play; Clue: the Play; Dr. Strangelove: the Play, etc.)
directed by Cameron Eng & Jim Fourniadis and produced by Erin Ohanneson
& Cameron Eng. Starring are Don Wood, Nancy Bower, Josh Lenn, John
Filgas, Mark Para, Cameron Eng, Jim Fourniadis, Seanetta, Laura Drus,
and introducing Patrick Biggs. The place's easy to find-- 2263 Mission
Street, SF, between 18th and 19th. For more details, check
www.darkroomsf.com
or
www.princessbride.4t.com.
A reasonable $15 at the door; even cheaper ($12.50) online; go to
www.acteva.com/go/impprod
and live happily ever after...
One Time Only
"Flying Pig Sex Disaster" Fun(d) Raiser -- THE SHIPYARD in Berkeley,
Saturday, February 5, 2005, 9:00 PM - 2:00 AM. Yes, the people behind
this have actually constructed a giant metal pig. It will be stuffed
with money (my money, your money, the jingly kind), lard, newspaper and
sawdust; and mated with a second pig for no good reason at all.
Suspended high above the majestic skyline of Berkeley, it will take a
magical Peter Pan-type flight around the Shipyard, possibly to the
accompaniment of jaunty marching band music, and then it will be set
aflame and immolated in its own pigginess. (With any luck it won't suck
the breath from the lungs of children in Emeryville). Coins will drop
magically from its belly, as from a huge, molten piñata, and cascade
with a clatter from above onto a resonant metal plate. The pig dies,
see, but, uh, offers itself up as the ultimate sacrifice to the good
people at Coin Star Inc. Yeah, that's it. The Pig who Saved Art! I see
a Hallmark Special in the offing. Hooray for the pig! This is all quite
significant and intellectually justifiable. It raises money for our
ongoing Borg2 Juggernaut, but, more than that, it stands as an
imperishable monument to the Spirit of Man. So dig down into that penny
jar, BRING YOUR SPARE CHANGE AND STICK IT INSIDE THE PIG! It works
like this-- WE give the money to artists, YOU take home memories (and
perhaps the odor of rendered pig fat) that will last... a lifetime. So
come, one, come all. Witness flaming PIG MAGIC and more: crazy
hillbilly music will be provided for your entertainment (if watching an
exploding, flying, fornicating, burning pig drop money out of its
fundament isn't enough). There'll be a full bar. Come and spin the
HYPERWHISKEY WHEEL OF TERROR and win some crap or other... or learn a
painful lesson. DONATE to BORG2 and have a great time doing it... and
possibly a headache. And much more to be announced! 1010 Murray Street,
Berkeley, CA, USA. Do bring "Pennies for the Pig." But we like
higher-denomination coins better...
High-Flown Literary Announcement
I, Dr. Hal, have written a book. It's called The Meaning of Lost and
Mismatched Socks, and its publisher is Frog, Ltd. (North Atlantic
Books). This work was devised, penned, indexed, and packed with
illustrations by Yours Truly under the nom de plume of Dr. Perditus
Pedale, M.D., Ph.D., but don't be fooled: it's really me. ("Cyberpunk"
author) John Shirley wrote it up with a good review last year, bless
him-- I think you just might still be able to read it if you access his
backlog at his "blog" at
http://johnshirley.net
and then there was another favorable review on-line at boingboing.net;
look to see if you can still find it at
www.boingboing.net/2004/09/23/new_hal_robins_book_.html
Whoever wrote this inexplicably referred to my "high-pitched voice,"
but it's otherwise a good notice. And I have to say, I haven't
encountered anyone who's read the thing who disliked it... Now, in this
book, I finally answer a question originally put to me at "The Wizard
of Ass" out in the desert some years ago, as Chicken reminded me back
in 2004. You see, I eventually do get around to answering all
questions; with certain of these it just takes me longer, as in this
case. This book costs a cool $9.95, but all books are expensive these
days-- I can't help that. However, I'd hate to have written a
"flaked-out" book that didn't sell, for that would sully my already
bedeviled & benighted reputation even further. So, Dr. Hal fans, if you
really are out there, for Dobbs's sake go ahead and prove it, why don't
you, by going out and getting this book. And if you like it, you might
want to get my next book, Dinosaur Alphabet (now in endless-seeming
preparation). But first things first. ISBN number 1-58394-097-9,
paperback (but the dinosaur book, which I'm working on now, will be a
hardback, when I get it finished-- I'm aiming for the Fall 2005
season-- wish me luck!). Available in many bookstores, I suppose (on my
Hallowe'en trip to N.Y.C. I saw they were carrying it at Shakespeare &
Co.), and on amazon.com. Meanwhile, none other than Duncan D'nuts has
kindly offered to front me some dough (heh, heh) so's I can purchase
some copies of my own book at an "author's discount" (not very
significant) and then make them available right here at the Odeon. The
profit margin will be slim, but many of you have asked if I can do
this; now, or actually in the near future (but I can't say exactly
when), you'll be able to acquire one of these, signed, just by coming
in to the bar. We'll see how it all works out. Help an impoverished
author (that's me) this leeched-out post-holiday season. I'm going to
have to sell an enormous mountain-high pile of these for my royalties
to kick in; I have a truly terrible deal with the publisher. I guess I
need an agent. Remember, buy it at the bar and I'll sign it,
exponentially increasing its value. That's a promise. Also, I still
have a few copies of my EC-style Horror Comic Book, Grave Yarns, which
I drew in 1999, left to sell at $8 a pop. I can autograph those, too--
but when they're gone, they're gone.
Some of Our Favorite Questions
"Dr. Hal, do you happen to know why there are AA batteries, AAA
batteries and C-cells, but no B batteries? Why isn't there a B-cell
battery? (Asked 1/12/05) Well now, battery designations are based on
size, with A the smallest and D the largest. By the same logic, AA's
are larger than AAA's. But it happens that with B batteries (yes, they
do exist, of course) size doesn't matter-- you don't see B's around
because, well, they're just not very useful. The size never caught on
in products made for consumers, stores didn't carry them, and now--
just try to find one. They're all over the place in Europe, though,
chiefly as the power source of bicycle lamps...
"Dr. Hal, you always hear about Slapstick comedy. But where did the
name "slapstick" come from? Not from the Three Stooges. As the name
suggests, there was, yes, a stick used for slapping in an ancient
theatrical tradition once upon a time. This stick, which came to be
equated with broad farce in the 16th Century as part of the Italian
Commedia del'Arte, was employed by the comic hero Harlequin to whack
the buttocks of artless shemps. It was traditionally made of two pieces
of wood joined together to make a slapping sound when it hit. These
days, we'd just dub it in. That's Progress for you. See you at the
Odeon!
Boilerplate
"Ask Dr. Hal" is elastic, ecumenical, eclectic and electric, and has
even been known to be, in its way, erotic. Whatever it may be, it is
certainly open to all seekers and thirsters after Enlightenment.
Furthermore, special consultations and hands-on initiations are
available in private, particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile
females over the currently legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else,
including would-be prospective opening act performers, are asked to
present their resumes, life histories, astrological charts, nude
photos, sob stories, requests for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen, BVDs,
VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, CDs, DVDs and/or audition tapes directly
to warm-hearted "Chicken" John for evaluation. I am unable, owing to
serious demands on my time at present, to provide (shudder)
"relationship" advice, give off-the-cuff psychological analyses, advise
you in legal, medical or personal matters, critique your poetry,
artwork or the manuscript of your novel, or perform an impromptu
phrenological examination. Sorry, I must refrain from answering
questions when "off duty." This is a period and condition which begins
at the moment the show ends and regularly lasts until the beginning of
the next week's performance. I'm not kidding, don't come at me with
questions when it's not Wednesday and I'm not doing the show.
Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up, no shoving, room for
all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful, regretful, self-obsessed or
feeble-minded, nor for cranks, fanatics, crank addicts, hysterics,
epileptics, cataleptics, young, impressionable children or those who
are no longer children but are (too) easily shocked. Oneiromancy a
specialty. Some restrictions apply. Easy to play. Follow all
directions. Be the first on your block to attend. We provide an Oracle
of Truth; you provide the consequences. Available in other venues, and
for weddings, funerals, corporate entertainment retreats, secret
ceremonies, bar and bat mitzvahs. Scientific, educational. Healthful,
revivifying, nutritive. Take cum grano salis. Results may vary. Does
not (usually) stain clothing. No complicated machinery to buy. Anyone
can play. Fun for the whole family (if, that is, the whole family is of
legal drinking age). Pencils, envelopes, instruction booklets and
question slips provided free of charge. No pushy salesman will call.
Quotes the poets. Witty, bawdy, topical. Will tell you your Totem
Animal. Hypnotic, horrific and hypnopaedic. Reads tea leaves and
t-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells, locates missing objects,
heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit World, knows the Meaning
of Life and the secrets of human hearts in this world and the next.
Will design your tattoo. Available for Sex Magick. Bring your parents
and loved ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals Past Lives
and Life of the Past. The most amazing thing seen anywhere, I kid you
not. Bachelors and cads, take notice: some of the most fetching (though
crazy) women in San Francisco regularly attend. A co-production of the
Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs Approved. Ameliorates the Terror of the
Gods. Reads the palm of the hand, reads by touch the bumps on the head
and the uncovered female body. Buy my horrid horror comic book, Grave
Yarns. Brought to you by Camel cigarettes (remember, They Are Mild--
"I'd Walk a Mile for a Camel"), and by the Miracle Liquor Fernet
Branca, proud sponsor of the Ask Dr. Hal show since 2001. From now on
until darkness falls on the Works of Man, all questions instantly and
irrevocably become the property of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal Robins, Chicken
John, and Dr J. Chalk-choke Brainscan Productions. We retain the right
to reject inappropriate questions and eject inappropriate questioners,
abruptly, firmly, forcefully, gleefully and at will. Attn. Mission
drunks (or Bambi Lake): if you try to disrupt our show, you will be
"bounced." Although it is not strictly necessary to pay to enjoy the
performance, and payment will not ensure your appreciation of the
evening, all questions should ideally be submitted in a regulation
envelope containing an emolument to receive the fullest possible
consideration. The better (i.e. larger) the emolument, the better (i.e.
long-winded) the answer. A premium emolument precipitates a "Bardic
Recitation." For example, last week's show concluded with my
interpretation of T.S. Eliot's The Journey of the Magi. Too bad if you
weren't there, eh? Of course, unpaid questions will be answered, but in
binary form by an assembled mob of magic 8-balls. The new Sternbergh
8-ball can even speak its reply aloud. Still, if it's not a "yes or no"
question, this doesn't work very well, and tends to be somewhat
unsatisfying. Just the same, no refunds given or answers guaranteed.
You pay for it, you get it. No one religion or political party
endorsed. If you don't see what you want, ask. Time tested.
User-friendly. Preserved for Posterity. Written up in the weeklies.
Taped for TV. Quoted at parties. Remembered in dreams, re-run in your
nightmares. Astrally projected. Alive in Living Memory. Provides
automotive information. The subject of after-dinner anecdotes. Will pop
into your mind at unguarded moments. Are you really actually reading
this? You are? Good for you. We're not for everybody, but what is?
Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate our Freedom to laugh our heads
off at shows like this, so-- it's important-- at the next election,
vote them out of office. Impeachment is good, too. Get organized!
We're located in the fibrillating, palpitating Heart of the teeming
Deep Mission, fashionably below Cesar Chavez (the street, that is).
Read all instructions (provided) before participating. Drink
responsibly, but heavily. Robust alcohol consumption recommended for
full enjoyment. Support the Odeon; order a drink or two, for the love
of Mike, whoever he is. Some of us can't drink at all, remember. Boy,
do we wish we could. Perhaps we will, by and by. 'Bye. And buy my
book, won't you? The holidays are finally gone--but there are still
birthdays, and Valentine's Day looming on the horizon...
--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB