Confessions of SpongeBob's Lover
Posted by:: HellPope Huey
Date: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 17:30:05 GMT
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http://www.columbusalive.com/2005/20050216/021605/02160515.html
Confessions of SpongeBob's Lover
by Phil Martin
A major news story caught my eye a couple weeks ago: James Dobson, that
radical and rabid regurgitator for the right-wing Focus on the Family,
decided to out SpongeBob SquarePants. He condemned the much-loved
cartoon character as being pro-homosexual, and the news media had a
field day, and a lot of laughs, over the revelation.
I wasnt laughing, however. Unlike most folks, I knew the pain that
SpongeBob was experiencing due to all the unwanted attention on his
personal life. Because, several years back, SpongeBob and I were lovers.
Over the intervening years several tabloids have approached (and offered
to pay) me to tell of my personal experiences with the cartoon star. But
I knew that all they wanted were the salacious tidbits (Not Everything
in SpongeBobs Pants is Square!!). They didnt want to know about his soft
and squishy side.
I also refused because SpongeBob has always cherished his privacy and I
didnt want to demean what we once had together. But now that hes been
forced out of the closet, I think people should know the story of our
time together.
SpongeBob and I met on the Internet. I had been looking at personal ads
on spongehunt.net when I ran across one that read, Seaboi in search of
Seamen.
I dont normally respond to ads that dont include pictures, but there was
something about this one that caught my eye. The ad talked about how
this sponge liked to eat at fast food places, do arts and crafts
projects, go to movies and visit aquariums. He also said he wasnt
interested in one-night stands or anyone who just wanted to seahorse
around.
The ad ended by saying, Dont flounder in the sea of love. Dive in and
take a chanceŠ e-mail me!
So I did. And thats how SpongeBob and I got to know each other, since he
was in the Sea and I was in a landlocked Midwestern state.
We spent a couple of weeks writing back and forth. He, however, always
signed his missives Pineapple Inhabitor and wouldnt tell me his real
name. It wasnt until we had been corresponding for about a month that he
finally told me his name and attached a photo of himself.
I was in shock! I, of course, knew who he was. Even though his career at
the time was still in its single-cell infancy, I had heard the rumors in
gay bars that he was user friendly. But I had always chalked up all of
that gossip to envy (why is it that its only the cute guys, like
SpongeBob, that we gay folks think are gay?).
Now I knew that the rumors were true. But SpongeBob also knew that I
wouldnt betray his secret.
We arranged to meet a few weeks after that. He paid for my plane ticket
out to the West Coast (hes one of the most generous sponges Ive ever
met) we rendezvoused at the airport.
I fell for him the moment I saw him in person (his cartoons dont really
do him justice). He was, as ever, nattily dressed with a lovely tie,
freshly creased shorts and jaunty cap atop his head. But it was his eyes
that captivated me. And the way his mouth curled up when he smiled. I
knew that I was smitten.
We spent a week together laughing, talking, laughing, eating, laughing,
sight-seeing and laughing some more. We shared stories about our
childhoods (his father had been a contraceptive sponge and his mother
was a sponge cake). We talked about our previous relationships (his
longest relationship had been with Mr. Clean).
And he cried, repeatedly, while telling me of the pressure he felt
living in the closet. I feel like Ive been wrung dry, he said on more
than one occasion.
Of course, we became physically intimate as well. And while I prefer to
keep those special memories to myself, I will state that SpongeBob is
all sponge! That gentle Porifera had no problem making this Homo erectus
just that.
Our week together flew by far too quickly. Before I knew it we were once
again in the airport saying goodbye. Ill always remember him standing in
a pool of his own tears as we parted.
I think most of our sadness stemmed from the realization that our
relationship was not meant to be. He liked living in his pineapple, and
I enjoyed the flatlands of the Midwest. He was deeply closeted for fear
of losing his job, while I was out and would never darken the closet
door again. He was invertebrate and I was vertebrate.
As much as we felt for each other and enjoyed being together, we knew it
wouldnt work for us in the long run. We were starfish-crossed lovers.
Oh sure, we e-mailed a few more times and spoke by phone once or twice.
But eventually our communication ended.
As the years went by I watched, and was proud of, his growing career. He
had not turned into a superficial or vain star. Instead he chose to use
his fame to help and entertain others. SpongeBob was a sponge a person
could trust and believe in. And every time I saw him on TV, I would
secretly smile to myself as I remembered our cherished time together.
These were my thoughts as I read about Mr. Dobson and his campaign to
hurt my former lover. I was happy that SpongeBob had, at long last,
found someone to share his life with (Patrick, his co-starfish). I knew
how much it meant to SpongeBob to have a companion to hold exoskeleton
hands with as he walked down lifes path.
And it made me wonder why Dobson wanted to hurt someone who has brought
such joy into peoples lives. Why did he care if SpongeBob was gay? Why
did he want to ruin his career? Why was he picking on this good, decent
cartoon character?
And wouldnt the world be a better place if Mr. Dobson and his ilk would
focus on their own damn families for a change?
--
HellPope Huey
I like to gouge wattled matrons with sporks
I do not have a psychiatrist
and I do not want one,
for the simple reason
that if he listened to me long enough,
he might become disturbed.
~ "Carpe Noctem, If You Can",
Credos and Curios
My father had a profound influence on me.
He was a lunatic.
~ Spike Milligan
Posted by:: "nu-monet v7.0"
Date: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 11:21:56 -0700
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HellPope Huey wrote:
>
> http://www.columbusalive.com/2005/20050216/021605/02160515.html
>
> Confessions of SpongeBob's Lover
It was from all those years of being forced to
work as an IUD.
--
"It is already like a government job,"
he said, "but with goats."
-- Iranian goat smuggler
Posted by:: HellPope Huey
Date: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 20:21:14 GMT
--------
In article <4224B2C4.D37@succeeds.com>,
"nu-monet v7.0" wrote:
> HellPope Huey wrote:
> >
> > http://www.columbusalive.com/2005/20050216/021605/02160515.html
> > Confessions of SpongeBob's Lover
>
> It was from all those years of being forced to
> work as an IUD.
I rather enjoyed my time as one. A really nice perk was that I became
quite familiar with where the G-Spot was. Now THAT'S a JOB PERK.
--
HellPope Huey
I like to gouge wattled matrons with sporks
I do not have a psychiatrist
and I do not want one,
for the simple reason
that if he listened to me long enough,
he might become disturbed.
~ "Carpe Noctem, If You Can",
Credos and Curios
My father had a profound influence on me.
He was a lunatic.
~ Spike Milligan
Posted by:: ah
Date: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 22:31:50 GMT
--------
HellPope Huey wrote:
> In article <4224B2C4.D37@succeeds.com>,
> "nu-monet v7.0" wrote:
>> HellPope Huey wrote:
>> >
>> > http://www.columbusalive.com/2005/20050216/021605/02160515.html
>> > Confessions of SpongeBob's Lover
>>
>> It was from all those years of being forced to
>> work as an IUD.
>
> I rather enjoyed my time as one. A really nice perk was that I became
> quite familiar with where the G-Spot was. Now THAT'S a JOB PERK.
Payday sucks, though.
--
ah
Posted by:: "LOUFER"
Date: 1 Mar 2005 19:52:33 -0800
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I USED TO BE A POPE.
Posted by:: HellPope Huey
Date: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 05:50:47 GMT
--------
In article <1109735553.763085.228140@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>,
"LOUFER" wrote:
> I USED TO BE A POPE.
Me too. Then they caught me with my dick in a melon as I streaked a
live TV news show and I got promoted.
--
HellPope Huey
Yeah, I know it all,
but its on SmartMedia cards
in my other pants
"If you make people think they're thinking,
they'll love you;
but, if you really make them think,
they'll hate you."
- Harlan Ellison
If a donkey bray at you, don't bray at him.
- George Herbert
Posted by:: "krustymadfaker"
Date: 1 Mar 2005 22:07:07 -0800
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> I USED TO BE A POPE.
Me too. Then they caught me with my dick in a melon as I streaked a
live TV news show and I got promoted.
>>>>>
I used to be one also, then I watched the
movie "Network" and I became mad
as hell and I wasn't going to take
it anymore. Then I got sucked
into coming here.
"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little
longer."
Henry Kissinger
Because the arm of this conspiratorial government-within-
the-government is evil incarnate! They -it- will stop at nothing! They
stole half of Nebraska!" - Sam Devereaux in The Road to Omaha (by
Robert Ludlum)