Doktor Dark's Patented Divination Methodology

Correspondent:: drdark@37.com (DoktorDark)
Date: 6 Nov 2004 06:42:55 -0800

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For scrying out loud, here's a method of future foretelling that came
to me in a dream, which I'll try to test on the pagans at Brushwood
next summer.
1. Mix together equal amounts of bikini wax and Silly Putty at
midnight on the dark of the moon.
2. On the first full sunny day after the summer solstice, generously
trowel a load of it up some pagan's ass crack.
3. Chant Buddhist mantras while it sets.
4. Using pliers or zircon-encrusted tweezers that have been dipped in
Holy Water, rip it out of their ass crack.
5. Before it hardens, lay it on a virgin board, bumhole side up, and
flatten it down with "mama's red enamel rolling pin".
6. Let dry.
7. The bumhole impression on the left end represents the present time,
with the future timeline stretching out from there. The butt hairs
embedded in the wax putty are organic, all-natural neo-Sanskrit runes
detailing their future, much like the leaves in tea leaf reading. Jews
can read/be read right to left (with the putty string upside down),
Chinese top to BOTTOM (yuk yuk).
8. Embedded butt cysts or dingleberries connote major life events.
Handle with care.
9. Always wash your hands after conducting a reading, especially if
you're blind & are reading via tail-braille.
10. Any questions?