A Message From Dr. Hal: "When Carnotauruses Attack!"
Correspondent:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Tue, 26 Oct 2004 08:53:50 -0400
--------
From: Hal Robins
Subject: A Message From Dr. Hal: "When Carnotauruses Attack!"
"Wow, are these lo-ong!" -- Justin Credible
Volume III, No. 3
A MESSAGE FROM DR. HAL™ October 27th, 2004
"Ask Dr. Hal" Presents "When Carnotaurus Attacks Pachyrhinosaurus!"
with Opening Act: "IZ"
THE DR. HAL REPORT
C O N T E N T S :
MO' SHOW - DINOS-A-PLENTY - I-Z, SEE? - KROB ON THE JOB - MESOZOIC
POLITICS - CAN'T DINOSAURS JUST ALL GET ALONG? NO, IN FACT - UGLY DINO
CHOW - PLAY, BUT PAY, EH? WHADDYA SAY?- SOCIAL NOTES: TYLER RETURNS;
DON & TRACY'S NEW SHORT; A TERRORIST TARGET? CHICKEN & HAL WARBLE AWAY;
PUZ EV SIGHTED: TASH, BROW BEHELD @ THE ODEON; ZOTHIQUE & THE KRAKEN -
UPCOMING EVENTS: LAST 2 NIGHTS OF GRUESOME TALES; K-ROB'S FILM FARM
SPORTS (ED) WOOD NUDIE NUMBER; TWO AND A HALF GREAT RADIO SHOWS; CHAOS
CABARET HERE AND THERE - THE MEANING OF LOST AND MISMATCHED SOCKS -
ASTRONOMY NOTES: LUNAR ECLIPSE - CLARIFICATION FOR THE SCANSION
DEPRIVED - FAVORITE QUESTIONS - TRAVEL PLANS - BOILERPLATE: OUR
EVER-EXPANDING DISCLAIMER
We bring you a Show for the Ages...
If you're not doing anything in particular on October 27th, a Wednesday
night, maybe you'd like to toddle on down to the (in)famous Odeon Bar
and Night Club, San Francisco's Variety Arts Showcase at 3223 Mission
St. @ 29th, where we're putting on another "Ask Dr. Hal," the
long-running "show that answers any question you may have."™ Some
people find it fairly entertaining. Of course, if you are chained to
the diurnal-nocturnal schedule imposed by a "job," and not really free
to come out for late night entertainment, we quite understand. Still,
even though it may be a "school night," you might find it refreshing
simply as a change of pace. Now, one feature of these shows is that we
always show a dinosaur movie clip as part of the fun. This time, we
have something that I like to call "When Carnotaurus Attacks
Pachyrhinosaurus." Catchy, eh? You'l l see that our segment in its
brief length features quite a few exotic extinct animals, including
Iguanodon, Parasaurolophus, Brachiosaurus, flying lizard Longisquama,
Ovoraptor, Koolasuchus (a really kool giant amphibious temnospondyl)
and many others. But of course, there's a lot more than this to our
show. Sometimes we sing, sometimes we recite, sometimes we give out
free Fernet Branca, the so-called "miracle liquid." And in addition, we
have a sockdologer of an opening act-- the band "IZ." IZ? You'll zee...
Also worthy of note are K-Rob's edits, which will, as usual, be playing
before and after the show on the Odeon's screens. They are more than
worth a look-- but you probably knew that.
...and a Portrait of Prehistoric Aggression!
Once again, Somethingorother attacks Whatchamacallit. Should you care?
Well, frankly, yes-- animal behavior is a part of Natural History,
which certainly underlies all human history. Brutal behemoths
mindlessly whaling away at each other, monstrous reptiles in the grip
of the partisan politics of the time (this would be the Cretaceous
Period). It may be old-fashioned, but it's certainly not outdated. Just
look at this upcoming election and the passions it has unleashed. We
can see a sort of allegory here. As you sip your drinks and watch, view
creatures contending for a limited resource, a protein-rich dinosaur
egg. But this process is affected and disturbed by an attack from a
representative of that comparatively recently discovered clade of
theropods, the Abelisaurs, in the person of an enormous, bellicose
Carnotaurus, shown here as an ambush predator, bursting out of the
bushes to catch and devour a wart-nosed Pachyrhinosaurus. M an, are
those things ugly! I suppose, however, such a well-fed ceratopsian
fatling as the Pachy tastes good enough indeed to a carnivore like a
carnotaur. And all takes place to a soundtrack provided by none other
than K-Rob! Folks, we may confidently assert that no other
entertainment on Mission Street below Cesar Chavez (or anywhere else,
for that matter) offers that, or anything remotely similar. So
patronize the old Odeon, and enjoy it to the full, won't you? Just
think-- You'll hear and see IZ, a Carnotaurine concitation, K-Rob's
audiovisual audacity, Chicken's cruel, caustic put-downs, Dr. Hal's
acclaimed answers: in short, one supernal saraband of sine qua non
showmanship-- Oh, by the way, have I mentioned the cost of admission to
all this? Well, I will now. Hold on to your Homburgs--
Believe it or not, it's all COMPLETELY FREE OF CHARGE!
Which is to say there's no cover; you can walk in and enjoy everything
without coming across with a solitary smackeroo. You can even ask a
question without stuffing anything by way of a simoleon or two in your
question envelope. I do strongly recommend, however, that you donate or
contribute to the quality of the evening, so to speak, by reaching
deep, deep down-- into your wallet. Like everything else in this world,
you get what you pay for. And it is a bar, remember-- drinks are
available; a pretty girl will even make them for you, but not for free.
Previous attendees will know what I mean.
Social Notes
Tyler is back! That's right, our former Technical Director has
returned, relieving Josh the Orange Box Man of the onus of trying to
coordinate our intricate technical requirements while simultaneously
dealing with the, er, human dimension. It's a hard row to hoe, and
O-Box must be feeling a certain measure of relief. Oh, he'll still be
there of a Wednesday, perhaps even pitching in from time to time.
Mainly, however, he'll be exercising his special lifetime privilege,
conferred upon him with great ceremony by Chicken John himself for
exceptionally meritorious service, of being able to drink for free from
now on... Meanwhile, the versatile Tyler brought out the whirring 16mm
projector, and, as of yore we had video and film working for us once
again. As so often happens, it looked, up to and beyond the very last
minute, as if the house was not only going to start out but remain
"light." Scoring fashion points by wearing a tu tu, Sean Lee, his
occiput adorned with oh-so-fashionable devil horns, began plunking his
merry banjo to a half-empty room. But by the time the Dr. Hal show's
bateau was launched, the usual large-ish crowd had finally
materialized. D.S. Black, scholar and former Tentacle Sessions
co-architect was there; so was Kirk from Rube Waddell. Laffmeister Will
Franken and squeeze Carli were among early arrivals, as well as
redoubtable Ronn Rosen... Ty, Pete and Mr. Freeze were in the spirit of
things, not to mention Col. Dolemite and Pradnash Randanihahr...
Super-scientist Pete Goldie was so entranced by Don and Tracy's new
ultra-futuristic hybrid supercar that he left the show to drive it
around the block a number of times before returning, missing a slew of
astronomy-related questions and answers. I think the correct ones were
given... Tansy Fargil, swaying n oticeably, nearly pitched from her
barstool (and out of her tube top) but made an elegant last-minute
recovery... Anna and Sonyia, together with the ravishing Robin Frohardt
also brought in the needed allotment of distaff charm; then too we were
visited by the one and only Kaosmic Kitty, who arrived with Mark
McGothican... Kab Driverrr asked theological posers about the relation
of the Almighty to the sublunary quest for Perfection-- ruff stuff;
that's what piloting a hack will do to you... Fingers, Hippo Critters
and Perry came up with some lively ones... Green also dug down and came
up with a good query: "How far can one walk into a forest?" Halfway was
the answer I came up with to this puzzler... Speaking of which,
Puzzling Evidence was among us for the first time ever, sitting with
outré radio personality Dr. Philo Drummond. Since K-Rob and Yours Truly
were also t here, we practically had a Radio Critical Mass; if Al
Quaeda had chosen to hit the O., Bay Area broadcasting would lose a
large lashing of its luster... Eager Eddie was anxious to play, and
did... Amy Woodward wanted to know about probable climate changes in
Hell attendant upon the Sox carrying away the Pennant; here's hoping
she never finds out personally if I called that one... Raccoon Boy
requested ethical guidance, and got it...Ena was on duty, but wasn't
overworked by that crowd. Doesn't anyone like to drink any more?
Chicken John pulled out all the stops-- despite my having a sad, bad
cold I and he performed two songs, harking back (and forward) to Sing
Along with Chicken & Hal, the act we plan to close the Chaos Cabaret
show with up North in a few weeks... Big Jim Mason finally got what he
wanted, our sigs (in blood) on two documents. His generous emolument
fostered a Bardic Recitation of the late Clark Ashton Smith's
villanelle, Zothique. Esoteric stuff; I also brought out teenage
Tennyson's icthyological sonnet The Kraken, though Chicken had to
murmur, "Not.. the Kraken!" Yes, the Kraken. Were you there, reader?
How is it I didn't add your name to this illustrious List? Well, maybe
I didn't see you-- in all the confusion it's very likely. Too bad you
didn't blazon your John Hancock on K-Rob's Special Sign-up Sheet. Well,
there's always next time. Remember, you can always find it fastened to
the front of the stage with Scotch tape.
Upcoming Events
Here are some of the hot tickets for the near future, related
happenings fizzing and swimming in the same foamy temporal and social
sea as are we. These notices are presented as a public service by the
Ask Dr. Hal Report, which is responsible for all accuracy or factual
errors from the following:
Ongoing
"Gruesome Tales of Death and Destruction" -- LAST TWO SHOWS-- Friday &
Saturday, October 29th & 30th, starting at 8:00 PM at the Odeon, 3223
Mission St., S.F. The Kinetic Theory Experimental Theatre presents a
collection of horrifying mime vignettes, ranging from the darkly comic
to the downright obscene. This, unlike the S.F. Mime Troupe, which
actually isn't mime, actually is mime, believe it or not. But don't
worry, there's no painful, wistful preciosity here, no Shields &
Yarnell white-face, recherché would-be Marcel Marceau mugging, prancing
and posing, thank God. This is, after all, an Odeon show. What you do
get is a series of linked episodes, expertly, professionally done, all
acted out to the sound of the live accordion music of Eric Klein,
featuring the extremely dynamic and expressive interpretations of Sean
Williford, Alex Pre sent and Stephanie Abrams, who wrote and directed
the show. Some of you may remember the vivacious Ms. Abrams as
"Perstephanie, Goddess of Porno-Mime" from a number of years back. A
contortionist and dancer, she was clad only in a smile when I met her;
that was when she and I were a part of the old Klub Kommotion scene.
Later, she added to our version of the Gong Show at Cell Space when
Chicken John and I, Dr. Howland Owll, were having our run of Game Shows
and getting cancelled at one venue after another all over this burg.
Now our paths cross again as she brings her newest creation, this show,
to the Odeon stage-- and to all the rest of the club; the performers
use the entire place as their stage. Part burlesque, part Grand
Guignol, humorous, mordant and macabre, it's a show which expands the
variety of theater at the O., one we're lucky to have. "This is not
your mother's mime." -- Michael Scott Moore, SF Weekly. Tickets are
$10.00, available in advance at TIX Union Square or at the door before
the show. Not for children: 21 and older, please. For more information
call (415) 289-6808, or visit
kinetictheorytheatre.com
"K-Rob's Thursday Night Film Farm" -- K-Rob the great has the soul of
an exhibitor. He keeps it in his Rubberboy lunch pail. No, seriously,
he delights in putting on a film show; he's often proved it at the
Odeon with his dizzying, phantasmagoric Video Stream, and separately at
such far flung venues as, say, the SubGenius 3-Day & Night Outdoor
Movie Festival-Orgy-Camporee-- remember that? back in May of this year
(see the Dr. Hal Report, Vol. I, No. 11). And watch for notice of
another one of these coming up soon, that Flash Hopkins and Dr. Philo
Drummond are cooking up. Anyway, each Thursday, K-Rob's now running an
Odeon Cinema series. And.. it's FREE! Just think-- when even daytime
matinees in this benighted burg cost a painful $7.50, where else can
you go for a free movie? Not to mention that you can hang out with
tender barten der Jenner and order hard liquor, an amenity most
theaters are usually reluctant to dole out with the popcorn. Each K-Rob
movie program starts at 7:00 PM and runs through 9:00 PM, and includes
trailers, short subjects, cartoons, the whole enchirito. This week
it'll be Ed Wood Jr.'s strangely memorable nudie exploitationer, "Orgy
of the Dead." A Hallowe'en treat from K.R. and the late Mr.Wood (the
subject of an article in the current New Yorker), it features Wood
stock company stalwart Criswell and a bosomy bevy of strippers, each
shaking her balcony in a frenzy of pneumatic prurience, all in garish
color. Even after economics forced the famous schlockmeister away from
his beloved Grade Z horror movies and into first soft-core, then hard
core "erotica," he still was clearly enamored of the Gothic trappings
of spooky movies. So you get a graveyard and a supernatural setting,
but m ammaries instead of monsters. Oh, I wish I could be there to see
it, but I'll be winging my way to N.Y. about that time to do a show or
two with Zero Boy... However, if all goes well and there isn't a
nuclear war, I'll be back in time for the next Dr. Hal show (on 3
November), actually flying back on Election Day. We'll see..
"Puzzling Evidence" -- For more than twenty years, this Church of the
SubGenius-affiliated radio show has been on the air on KPFA 94.1 FM;
its current time slot is 3-5 AM Friday mornings (you might consider it
late Thursday nights as we often do). I, Dr. Howland Owll appear along
with Dr. Philo Drummond (visit his website at
http://www.quiveringbrain.com ) and
on-board bored board operator Puzzling Evidence himself (The "Tash").
Sometimes K-Rob joins us, sometimes other Mystery Guests. Sometimes our
female guests, sometimes some that have been mentioned in these pages,
have been known (don't ask why) to take off their clothes, right there
in the studio, and bare their quivering quiddities...gulp! I don't know
why they do; I certainly never have re quested it-- it must be that
weird time of day, so early in the morning... Too bad it's radio, eh?
Still, all you sweaty listeners can imagine... Maybe those girls have
us confused with the Howard Stern show. Actually, it's now been quite a
while since this last happened. All Talk, No Rock. If you're up, give
it a try, maybe call in after 4:00 AM at (510) 848-4425...
"Radio KROB" -- Yes, the enigma known as K-Rob can be heard at a much
more accessible time, Fridays, 10 PM to Midnight on sf liberation radio
(webcast only) when he'll elevate you with his unique brand of
"elevator music," (an elitist pleasure) and on Sundays, 6PM to Midnight
on Pirate Cat Radio 87.9 FM for what he calls stimulus regression
programming. K.R., broadcasting from the always-innovative Dark Room
Theatre, promises to play some of his MP3-recorded "mixes" you may have
missed at our other shows, Dr. Hal fans. Experience the smoke and
flames; hear the cannon's roar. Go ahead, tune in-- see what all the
shouting is about.
Limited Run
"Chicken John's Chaos Cabaret Preview"-- Saturday, October 30th at The
Odeon. On the day before Hallowe'en comes your chance to see the whole
Chaos Cabaret show the folks in Portland and Seattle will get to
experience (see below). Catch just about everything from that show--
except for my act, since, dagnabbit, I'll be in Manhattan. But it's one
Hell of a variety show, as only impresario Chicken John can put on the
boards. Starting... well, probably around 9:30 or so. Even though it's
the Odeon, there's so much of that it will probably start earlier than
usual. I don't have all the facts, but just watch for the Laughing
Squid post, or Chicken may send something out...
"Chicken John's Chaos Cabaret"-- Friday, November 5th at Dante's in
Portland, Oregon; Saturday, November 6th at the Catwalk in Seattle,
both performances at 9PM sharp-- no kidding, there are so many
entertainers on stage that we'll have to operate on "real," rather than
"Chicken John" time. Essentially, Chicken John, Circus Showman and
Ringmonster Extraordinaire, will scoop up the entire talent pool from
the Odeon and take it on the road. This is a show five hours long
(bring a lunch), a stellar cast of 29 people and a medium-sized dog,
moving at a fast pace as a variety show should. First, K-Rob opens the
festivities with his specially edited mystic video collage/pictorial
'hypno-vision" eyeball-kick visual tapestry, not recommended for
epileptics or the too easily terrified. Then, I, Dr. Howland Owll will
present my celebrated lecture/slide-show, The Dinosauriad, concluding
with the perennially popular "When Chasmosaurs Attack!" Then, doling
out the laffs, Will Franken hits 'em with his comedic phantasmagoria.
And before they can catch their breath, the audience is treated to the
easy-on-the-eyes glamour-dolls of synchronized dance troupe Sparkle
Motion. On and on it goes. You'll see avant-garde Country Music act
Toshio Hirano, the world's most skilled yodeling Japanese hillbilly!
Roky Roulette takes it all off for the ladies-- the only stripper who
peels while pounding across the stage on a pogo stick! Magician Maxwell
Coldpepper will cast serious doubt on whether you're awake or dreaming!
The vocal stylings of Yasha! Slinky Samba dancer Kellita of the Hot
Pink Feathers! The incomparable Rubberboy will undergo his
anatomy-violating undulation s and evolutions-- the Greatest
Contortionist on Earth-- and we have him! Not enough for you? How about
Loop! Station, sounding like a choir and an orchestra? Frisky Burlesque
sen-sa-tion Kitten on the Keys treats you to her playful, sexy
shenanigans, channeling Rusty Warren as she faultlessly bangs out some
of the best barrelhouse piano you've ever heard and (perhaps, if she
feels it's appropriate) simultaneously peels to reveal her captivating
charms! Odeon factotum and doorman Phoenix will present his act, "The
Lonesome Doormen" (with Ben Burke) and provide an ancillary Circus
Sideshow of his own! Oh, there's much more: devastating beauty Krista
Bray will quicken male (and some female) pulses as she stylishly
announces the acts (un)clad as Ring Girl, and the whole will be
memorably hosted by sardonic confusionist the great Chris Karney. With
too many acts< /i> to set down here, Dammit the Amazing Wonder-Dog,
still going strong, and a concluding set by that dynamic musical group
Sing Along With Chicken & Hal. More stars than there are in Heaven,
awesome illusions, death-defying stunts, supernaturally beautiful
women, educational and memorable attractions, musical marvels, caustic
comedians, variegated visual vignettes... and one medium-sized
performing dog. Miss this one and you'll be kicking yourself in the
head in frustration all the way to your grave, and maybe even
afterwards in your tomb. Admission Price: an unbelievable $7.00! Note:
for those who for one reason or another can't go all the way to
Portland or Seattle (no excuses!) you'll be able to see essentially the
same show right here in good old S. F. It will be put on at the Odeon
(natch) sometime soon (minus my act, I regret to say, since I'll be
doing a couple of shows in New York with < b>Zero Boy around this
time-- sorry). Watch this space for the announcement...
A Special Notice
I, Dr. Hal, have written a book and it does seem to be selling a
little; get it while you can, folks. It's The Meaning of Lost and
Mismatched Socks, from Frog, Ltd. (North Atlantic Books), written,
indexed, and packed with illustrations by Yours Truly. ("Cyberpunk"
author) John Shirley wrote it up with a good review, bless him-- I
think you can still read it if you access his backlog at his "blog" at
http://johnshirley.net
and then there was another favorable review on-line at boingboing.net;
look to see if you can still find it at
www.boingboing.net/2004/09/23/new_hal_robins_book_.html
Whoever wrote this inexplicably referred to my "high-pitched voice,"
but it's otherwise a good notice. And I have to say, I haven't
encountered anyone who's read the thing who disliked it... Now, in this
book, I finally answer a question originally put to me at "The Wizard
of Ass" out in the desert some years ago, as Chicken reminded me some
months back. You see, I eventually do get around to answering all
questions; with certain of these it just takes me longer, as in this
case. This book costs a cool $9.95, but all books are expensive these
days-- I can't help that. However, I'd hate to have written a
"stumblebum" book that didn't sell, for that would sully my already
besmeared & beslimed reputation even further. So, Dr. Hal fans, if you
really are out there, prove it by going out and getting this book. And
if you like it, you might want to get my next book, Dinosaur Alphabet
(now in preparation). But first things first. ISBN number
1-58394-097-9, paperback (but the dinosaur book, which I'm working on
now, will be a hardback, if I can ever get it finished). Available in
most bookstores, I suppose, though perhaps somewhat hard to find, and
on amazon.com. Help an impoverished author, won't you? I'm going to
have to sell a mountain of these for my royalties to kick in; I have a
terrible deal with the publisher. I guess I need an agent. Hey, bring
it to the bar and I'll sign it. That's a promise.
Astronomy Notes
On Dr. Hal Night, your chance will come, before the show, to view a
total eclipse of the moon this month; the best opportunity until the
year 2015. This celestial phenomenon will occur for North America and
much of the Western hemisphere on the fateful evening of Wednesday,
Oct. 27th, soon after 6:14 PM. If we're lucky enough to get a clear
night, the full moon will rise over the eastern horizon, and it will
enter the inner, umbra (shadow) of the Earth at around 7:23 PM. The
total eclipse will start around 7:30 PM, and will last 75 minutes
until, they say, 8:45 PM local time. We may see the eerie red glow of
the so-called Japanese Lantern effect if we watch closely. We'll need
clear enough weather, though, which may not be in the picture.
Clarification
Just trying to put some variety into the Dr. Hal Report, I took the
liberty of writing the "Social Notes" section in verse last time (see
Vol. III, No. 2). The result: nothing. Sometimes I think I'm writing
all this for my own amusement. Actually, I am, more or less. Anyway,
this trope sank like a stone into the pond of reader indifference, and
I thought that was the end of it. But now, some people I won't name
have sent me e-mails indicating they think I, Dr. Howland Owll, somehow
faltered on the job. Of all the irritating... You see, the section, as
I presented it, wasn't arranged in a standard verse column, but left in
paragraph form. I didn't wish to be obvious. Yet I guess I should have
been: "Was that supposed to be poetry?" "... 2 bad the rhymes got lost
in the middle..." or "You forgot to make it a poem halfway thru...&quo
t; Hey, I "forgot" squat. You characters should have tried reading it
aloud-- the rhymes, the scansion were there! All right! Just to defend
myself from the unheard-of charge of being poetically inept, I will now
reprint last week's Social Notes in the usual form a poem takes on the
page, capitalizing the first lines and so on (sigh...). And you will
see, ye of little faith, that the only thing that "got lost" were a
couple of lazy readers...
Social Notes
October 13th, on a late Wednesday night,
The Dr. Hal audience came into sight.
At first there were few, then some more, then a lot,
Including such jokers as one Shark-bite Scott.
There was my cousin Tom, Ken, and Jonathan Rock,
Dancin' Dan and some others from right up the block.
Don and Tracy were there, Tarin Towers as well;
Geoffrey Smart showed up squiring newcomer Raquel...
Ron Turner looked on with some other cool kats,
While Pete Goldie was passing out Krispy Kreme hats...
Ian Shaul played a medley of sweet bluegrass hits...
I saw Katy Bell, and she brought along Fitz...
D.S. Black, who's a scholar of unhallowed arts,
Jennay Growden, whose glamour can flutter male hearts,
Carl Pisaturo, Paul, Mike, David Kaye
And Mr. Impulsive were ready to play...
I was asked how a Raven and Writing Desk differed
Or matched (see below), and it wasn't Phil Gifford...
Jennifer, Tabula Rasa, Sunshine
And Jonny Boy came, as did Marjorie Klein...
Josh ("Orange Box Man") was there to project
Our dinosaur film, and of course also checked
The lights and the sound, while David Capurro
Showed pix from the Internet, where he would borrow
An image or two, illustrating my answers...
Ena dealt out the drinks, more adroit than most dancers...
Chicken John read the questions, and few were discarded.
Though they may call him "Chicken," he's not chicken-hearted...
Jessa James, whom I spoke to just after the show,
Predicted my future and read the Tarot...
Now, all this was last Wednesday. If you were there too,
And feel more or less disappointed as you
Scan these lines here to see yourself mentioned, in vain,
Well then, next time you don't have to feel any pain!
A word to the wise-- and it's truly discreet--
You can just print your name on K-Rob's Sign-up Sheet.
Here's a tip-- you can also jot down questions there
You would like answered here. Then the next week, mon frére
(Or ma soeur), you can read of yourself in these pages.
That's how it works, how it lures and engages.
It's convenient for me, and the simplest of games--
It's the way that I keep track of most of these names.
Try it! The sign-up sheet's hard to escape;
It's attached to the front of the stage with Scotch tape.
OK, don't worry. I will never do that again. Life is too short; once
was enough.
Notice
I am going to be out of town, first in New York and then on a road trip
with the travelling Odeon Bar. You who have been paying attention knew
this already. But this means that I won't be able to put out the Dr.
Hal Report for the next two issues. Some of you will get a version
crafted by ghostwriter-scientist Pete Goldie. To the rest on the
exclusive Dr. Hal list I say, be of good cheer. It's all temporary, and
the Report will be back when this is all over, tanned, rested and
ready.
Boilerplate
"Ask Dr. Hal" is ecumenical, eclectic and electric, and has even been
known to be, in its way, erotic. Whatever it may be, it is certainly
open to all seekers and thirsters after Enlightenment. Furthermore,
special consultations and hands-on initiations are available in
private, particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile females over the
currently legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else, including would-be
prospective opening act performers, are asked to present their resumes,
life histories, astrological charts, nude photos, sob stories, requests
for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen, BVDs, VHS cassettes, CDs, DVDs
and/or audition tapes directly to warm-hearted "Chicken" John for
evaluation. I am unable, owing to serious demands on my time at
present, to give off-the-cuff psychological analyses, advise you in
legal, medical or personal matters, critique your poetry, artwork or
the manuscript of your novel, or perform an im promptu phrenological
examination. Sorry, I must refrain from answering questions when "off
duty." This is a period and condition which begins at the moment the
show ends and regularly lasts until the beginning of the next week's
performance. I'm not kidding, don't come at me with questions when it's
not Wednesday and I'm not doing the show. Otherwise, all are most
welcome. Step right up, no shoving, room for all. Not for the fearful,
tearful, fretful, regretful, self-obsessed or feeble-minded, nor for
cranks, fanatics, crank addicts, hysterics, epileptics, cataleptics, or
chronic dyspeptics (but we rarely turn away narcoleptics), young,
impressionable children or those who are no longer children but are
(too) easily shocked. Some restrictions apply. Easy to play. Follow all
directions. Be the first on your block to attend. We provide an Oracle
of Truth; you provide the consequences. Will tell you your Totem
Animal. Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals,
corporate entertainment retreats, bar and bat mitzvahs. Scientific,
educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive. Take cum grano salis.
Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain clothing. No complicated
machinery to buy. Anyone can play. Fun for the whole family (if, that
is, the whole family is of legal drinking age). Pencils, envelopes,
instruction booklets and question slips provided free of charge. No
pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets. Witty, bawdy, topical.
Hariolation and Hermeneutics a specialty. Reads tea leaves and
t-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells, locates missing objects,
heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit World, knows the Meaning
of Life and the secrets of human hearts in this world and the next.
Will design your tattoo. Available for Sex Magick. Bring your parents
and loved ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals Past Lives
and Life of the Past. Acts involving Pugs and/or Chihuahuas need not
apply. The most amazing thing seen anywhere, I kid you not. A
co-production of the Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs Approved.
Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of the hand, reads
by touch the bumps on the head and the uncovered female body. Brought
to you by Lucky Strike cigarettes (remember L.S.M.F.T.-- Lucky Strike
Means Fine Tobacco), and by the Miracle Liquor Fernet Branca, proud
sponsor of the Ask Dr. Hal show since 2001. From now on until the Four
Horsemen of the Apocalypse come thundering across the sky, all
questions instantly and irrevocably become the property of Ask Dr. Hal,
Hal Robins, Chicken John, and Hon-jenck-hic-bork-rotcod-lah-trely
Productions. We retain the right to deflect inappropriate questions and
reject inappropriate questioners, abruptly, firmly, forcefully,
gleefully and at will. Attn. Missi on drunks: if you try to disrupt our
show, you will be "bounced." Although it is not strictly necessary to
pay to enjoy the performance, and payment will not ensure your
appreciation of the evening, all questions should ideally be submitted
in a regulation envelope containing an emolument to receive the fullest
possible consideration. The better (i.e. larger) the emolument, the
better (i.e. long-winded) the answer. A premium emolument precipitates
a "Bardic Recitation."No refunds given or answers guaranteed. You pay
for it, you get it. No one religion or political party endorsed. If you
don't see what you want, ask. Time tested. User-friendly. Preserved for
Posterity. Written up in the weeklies. Taped for TV. Quoted at parties.
Remembered in dreams, re-run in your nightmares. Astrally projected.
Alive in Living Memory. Provides automotive information. The subject of
after-dinner anecdotes. Are you really actually reading this? You are?
Good for you. We're not for everybody, but what is? Don't let the
terrorists win-- They Hate our Freedom to laugh our heads off at shows
like this, so-- it's important-- this November vote them out of office.
Located in the fibrillating, palpitating Heart of the teeming Deep
Mission, fashionably below Cesar Chavez (the street, that is). Read all
instructions (provided) before participating. Drink responsibly, but
heavily. Robust alcohol consumption recommended for full enjoyment.
Support the Odeon; order a drink or two, for the love of Mike. Some of
us can't drink at all, remember. Boy, do we wish we could. Perhaps we
will, by and by. 'Bye. And buy my book, won't you?
--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com PRABOB