FWD: A Message From Dr. Hal: "When Sauropods Savagely Attack!"
Correspondent:: "Rev. Ivan Stang"
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 10:12:18 -0400
--------
Subject: A Message From Dr. Hal: "When Sauropods Savagely Attack!"
Volume III, No. 2
A MESSAGE FROM DR. HAL™ October 20th, 2004
"Ask Dr. Hal" Presents "When Sauropods Savagely Attack!"
Opening Act: Sean Lee-- One-Man Banjo
c o n t e n t s
OUR FRIGHTENING FEATURETTE: ONE BRUTAL BRONTOSAURUS: IS IT REVENGE? -
SEAN LEE, BANJO BOY - ORIGINS OF THE BANJO - K-ROB'S FERTILE FOOTPRINT
- GRUMPY ANIMALS - TITANOSAURS LOSE THEIR TEMPER - A SHOW ON THE GO -
SOCIAL NOTES: GOLDIE'S KRISPY KREME SCHEME; AN OFT-ASKED QUESTION;
K-ROB'S SPECIAL SIGN-UP SHEET: WHEN AND WHY YOU SHOULD USE IT -
UPCOMING EVENTS: GRUESOME TALES OF DEATH & DESTRUCTION: PRURIENT
MEMORIES OF PERSTEPHANIE - K-ROB'S FILM FARM TO PRESENT THE SADIST -
TWO AND A HALF GREAT RADIO SHOWS - ARIELA AND INARA SING AT KNUTH -
CHICKEN JOHN'S CHAOS CABARET HITS THE OREGON (AND WASHINGTON) TRAIL - A
SPECIAL NOTICE (PLUGOLA) FOR THE MEANING OF LOST AND MISMATCHED SOCKS
- OUR FAVORITE QUESTIONS: THE PERENNIAL WOODCHUCK; WHY IS A RAVEN LIKE
A WRITING-DESK? LEWIS CARROLL ANSWERS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE -
HEURISTICS OF HUMOR - BOILERPLATE: OUR EVER-DEEPENING DISCLAIMER
Attention, San Francisco! This forthcoming Wednesday night, October
20th, 2004 at the Odeon Bar and Night Club, San Francisco's Variety
Arts Showcase at 3223 Mission St. @ 29th, "Ask Dr. Hal," the
long-running "show that answers any question," pledges also to bring
you another in our sizzling series of fabulous, vaunted vignettes,
wherein, in this case, one of the great saurischian dinosaurs of the
Jurassic Period, an Apatosaurus, aggressively and lengthily
demonstrates that it is capable of sustained malice when defending its
territory. Yes, another attack scenario, dinosaur 1, people zero.
Outside the club, the sign over the door will read, "ASK DR. HAL."
Inside, drinks and conviviality will be flowing. Then, at a certain
time determined by a number of intangible, ineluctable factors, chief
among which is when the audience gets around to getting there, our awa
rd winning (in the Bay Guardian) show will begin. Yes, it will, as
boldly defying most people's idea of "culture" and all other standards
of entertainment, we persist. And we also continue our uniquely
educational, scientific series, in which hapless humans receive
unwanted attention from pugnacious Dinosaurs. Call it Karma, call it
payback for the human assault on Nature and the animal kingdom. Ladies
and gentlemen, Messieurs et Mesdames, Senors y Senoras, Damen und
Herren, Signore e Signori, Pani e Pane, what we're going to show is a
clip from one of the most famous movies ever made-- it would be
counterproductive to name it here, but it's one that you'd imagine
everyone has seen. It's curious, though, how many of the classics of
cinema haven't been seen by a surprising segment of the population. So,
even apart from the symposium-like character of Ask Dr. Hal in general,
we're providing an add itional educational service. This dramatic scene
of sauropodal saurian savagery, presented in thrilling, all-analog
three-dimensional stop-motion animation, is the work of legendary
animator Willis O'Brien of Oakland, California.
Our Opening Act-- Sean Lee, One Man Banjo
Our opening act picks and strums the old banjo. And he's been a
pickin' and a strummin' at numerous venues lately-- now he comes to the
Odeon to make that banjo ring. He has a CD out, Hoodoo Vaudeville. The
early origins of the banjo are obscure. The precursors, or proto-banjos
came from Africa to America most likely by way of the West Indies.
Known as the banjar, or bangie, alternately banjer, sometimes banza,
the banjo was played in 17th Century America by African slaves, who
ingeniously constructed theirs from gourds, wood and tightly tanned
skins. They used hemp or gut for strings. By the late 18th and early
19th Century the modern banjo had evolved from these beginnings.. But
evolution is not a static but a dynamic process, and in the hands of
Sean Lee the instrument resonates to a new level of musical
development. Now, I trust at this late date I hardly need to mention
that K-Rob's famed "video wallpaper," two hours of amazing stuff,
pre-show and post-show, will also be presented. As those in the know
know, it consists of an artful, hypnotically flowing montage of visual
variations: cartoons, vintage commercials, explosions, goofy,
gargoyleish grotesqueries, more than usually "special" effects,
astonishingly awful archival atrocity footage and frankly pornographic
imagery-- you just have to view it to understand, friends. I'm not up
to describing it here. And I do wonder where he gets most of it. He's
tight-lipped; he won't say. Yes, people often ask just what it is we're
offering on all those looming, multiple, glowing, sinister Odeon
monitor screens (while, sadly, a great part of the socializing audience
just inanely yicker-yaks inanely away). Here's the answer: K-Rob's
absolutely unique edits which brassily burst into view, sublimel y
squirting from the subterranean wells of our national culture's
carefully collected creations. Remember, before the Japanese began to
succeed in substituting their pop diversions for ours, America's
entertainment juggernaut used to be a force to be reckoned with, above
all things our most pervasive claim to fame. And we're still not out of
the running... So if Mesoamerican burial mounds are worthy of our
examination, surely it would behoove us to pay attention also to the
accumulated historically recent cultural matrix we and the rest of the
world used to take in with every innocent inhalation, before corporate
greed was allowed to strangle the golden goose of our popular culture.
Remember, lovingly crafty K-Rob wants to enteratain and instruct you in
his own subtle way-- why not let him?
...and a Dinosaur Doom!
It's a common misconception, fostered by cartoons and children's books,
that the long-necked saurischian dinosaurs of the Jurassic and
Cretaceous periods were "peaceful" vegetarians. Balderdash! Poppycock!
I suspect that some of this guff emanates, like bean-generated
flatulence, from the powerful vegetarian lobby. Look, Hitler was a
vegetarian. Some of the most dangerous and bad-tempered living animals
are plant-eaters-- the rhinoceros, the Cape Buffalo, called by big game
hunters of the last century the most dangerous animal on earth. But
"brontosaurs," the largest and heaviest beasts ever to walk this planet
(see the Dr. Hal Report, Vol. II, No. 11) are promoted as some kind of
behemoth Buddhists. Well, I'm writing a dinosaur book and I shall have
something to say on this subject when, if ever, it comes out.
Meanwhile, just take it from me that in the Mesozoic world,
non-violence just didn't cut it. And our film excerpt this week
provides exuberant confirmation of this-- you'll see one of these
bellicose beasts go way out of his way to put paid to some extremely
unlucky explorers who stumble upon his swampy sanctuary. Then, when the
screams of the last victim have ceased, I, Dr. Howland Owll, will
continue to tell you of what is past, or passing, or to come. And if
anyone is philanthropic enough to fork over a fair-sized gratuity in
his or her question envelope (provided), I promise a memorable Bardic
recitation will certainly ensue. Anyone out there well-heeled enough to
put in a big enough bill could stop the show by inducing a sizable rant
from some of the more interesting poetic visionaries. I have 'em
memorized-- it's happened before. Folks, we may confidently assert that
no other entertainment on Mission Street below Cesar Chavez (or
anywhere else, for that matter) offers that, or anything remotely
similar. So visit the Odeon and see our unique performance, won't you?
Sean Lee's moderne minstrelsy, O'Brien's bellicose behemoth, K-Rob's
audiovisual audacity, Chicken's cruel, caustic put-downs, Dr. Hal's
alethlological answers: in short, one zippy, zetetic zingaresca of
sine qua non showmanship-- Oh, by the way, have I mentioned the cost of
admission to this proudly paideutic presentation of the power of
pedantry? --hold on to your head cheese--
Believe it or not, it's all COMPLETELY FREE!
Which is to say there's no cover; you can walk in and enjoy everything
without coming across with a solitary simoleon. You can even ask a
question without putting anything by way of a premium in your question
envelope. I do strongly recommend, however, that you donate or
contribute to the quality of the evening, so to speak, by reaching deep
down into your wallet-- like everything else in this world, you get
what you pay for. Previous attendees will know what I mean.
Social Notes
October 13th, on a late Wednesday night, the Dr. Hal audience came into
sight. At first there were few, then some more, then a lot, including
such jokers as one Shark-bite Scott. There was my cousin Tom, Ken, and
Jonathan Rock, Dancin' Dan and some others from right up the block. Don
and Tracy were there, Tarin Towers as well; Geoffrey Smart showed up
squiring newcomer Raquel... Ron Turner looked on with some other cool
kats, while Pete Goldie was passing out Krispy Kreme hats... Ian Shaul
played a medley of sweet bluegrass hits... I saw Katy Bell, and she
brought along Fitz... D.S. Black, who's a scholar of unhallowed arts,
Jennay Growden, whose glamour can flutter male hearts, Carl Pisaturo,
Paul, Mike, David Kaye and Mr. Impulsive were ready to play... I was
asked how a Raven and Writing Desk differed or matched (see below), a
nd it wasn't Phil Gifford... Jennifer, Tabula Rasa, Sunshine and Jonny
Boy came, as did Marjorie Klein... Josh ("Orange Box Man") was there to
project our dinosaur film, and of course also checked the lights and
the sound, while David Capurro showed pix from the Internet, where he
would borrow an image or two, illustrating my answers... Ena dealt out
the drinks, more adroit than most dancers... Chicken John read the
questions, and few were discarded. Though they may call him "Chicken,"
he's not chicken-hearted... Jessa James, whom I spoke to just after the
show, predicted my future and read the Tarot... Now, all this was last
Wednesday. If you were there too, and now feel more or less
disappointed as you scan these lines here to see yourself mentioned, in
vain, well then, next time you don't have to feel any pain. A word to
the wise-- and it's truly di screet-- you can just print your name on
K-Rob's Sign-up Sheet. Here's a tip-- you can also jot down questions
there you would like answered here. Then the next week, mon frére (or
ma soeur), you can read of yourself in these pages. That's how it
works, how it lures and engages. It's convenient for me, and the
simplest of games-- it's the way that I keep track of most of these
names. Try it! The sign-up sheet's hard to escape; it's attached to the
front of the stage with Scotch tape.
Upcoming Events
Here are some of the hot tickets for the near future, related
happenings swimming in the same foamy temporal and social sea as are
we. These notices are presented as a public service by the Ask Dr. Hal
Report, which is responsible for all accuracy or factual errors from
the following:
Ongoing
Gruesome Tales of Death and Destruction -- Fridays & Saturdays through
October 30th, starting at 8:00 PM at the Odeon, 3223 Mission St., S.F.
The Kinetic Theory Experimental Theatre presents a collection of
horrifying mime vignettes, ranging from the darkly comic to the
downright obscene. This, unlike the S.F. Mime Troupe, which actually
isn't mime, actually is mime, believe it or not. But don't worry,
there's no painful, wistful preciosity here, no Shields & Yarnell
white-face, recherché would-be Marcel Marceau mugging, prancing and
posing, thank God. This is, after all, an Odeon show. What you do get
is a series of linked episodes, expertly, professionally done, all
acted out to the sound of the live accordion music of Eric Klein,
featuring the extremely dynamic and expressive interpretations of Sean
Williford, Alex Present and Stephanie Abrams, who wr ote and directed
the show. Some of you may remember the vivacious Ms. Abrams as
"Perstephanie, Goddess of Porno-Mime" from a number of years back. A
contortionist and dancer, she met me when she and I were a part of the
old Klub Kommotion scene, where her extremely memorable sets left
nothing to the imagination. Later, she was in our version of the Gong
Show at Cell Space when Chicken John and I, Dr. Howland Owll, were
having our run of Game Shows and getting cancelled at one venue after
another all over this burg. Now our paths cross again as she brings her
newest creation, this show, to the Odeon stage-- and to all the rest of
the club; the performers use the entire place as their stage. Part
burlesque, part Grand Guignol, humorous, mordant and macabre, it's a
show which expands the variety of theater at the O., one we're lucky to
have. "This is not your mother's mime." -- Michael Scott Moore, SF
Weekly. Tickets are $10.00, available in advance at TIX Union Square or
at the door before the show.Not for children: 21 and older, please. For
more information call (415) 289-6808, or visit
kinetictheorytheatre.com
K-Rob's Thursday Night Film Farm -- K-Rob the great has the soul of an
exhibitor. He keeps it in his Rubberboy lunch pail. No, seriously, he
delights in putting on a film show; he's often proved it at the Odeon
with his dizzying, phantasmagoric Video Stream, and separately at such
far flung venues as, say, the SubGenius 3-Day & Night Outdoor Movie
Festival and Bare-Ass Nekkid Camporee-- remember that? back in May of
this year (see the Dr. Hal Report, Vol. I, No. 11). And watch for
notice of another one of these coming up soon, that Flash Hopkins and
Dr. Philo Drummond are cooking up. Anyway, each Thursday, K-Rob's now
running an Odeon Cinema series. And.. it's FREE! Just think-- when even
daytime matinees in this benighted burg cost a painful $7.50, where
else can you go for a free movie? Not to mention that you can order
hard liq uor, an amenity most theaters are usually reluctant to pass
out with the popcorn. Each K-Rob movie program starts at 7:00 PM and
runs through 9:00 PM, and includes trailers, short subjects, cartoons,
the whole chimichanga. This week K-Rob screens that wonderful,
horrible, obscure Grade Z masterpiece from 1963, The Sadist, starring
Arch Hall Jr. Directed by James Landis; also starring Helen Horvey,
Richard Alden, Marilyn Manning and Don Russell, with cinematography by,
of all people, Vilmos Zsigmond, working on his first Hollywood feature.
From Fairway International, the outfit that produced, back in the bad
old days of drive-in schlockers, epics like Wild Guitar and Eegah! Now
this picture was actually intended to be a Psycho-style thriller, based
on the Charlie Starkweather murders. Space does not permit me to
explore the fascinating cultural ram ifications of this movie here.
Suffice it to say that it's been called, alternately, "loathsome" and
"a well-kept secret of cult movie aficionados." In it, three normals on
their way to a Dodgers game (you know they're going to get it) break
down in the middle of nowhere. At a gas station, they encounter
gun-toting, psycho-boy Tibbs (Arch Hall Jr.) the titular sadist, and
moronic girlfriend Judy (Manning); then the abusive "fun" begins, and
doesn't let up until the (extremely protracted) climax... Sniggering,
sneering, giggling and leering, Hall goes way over the top in his
robust portrayal of the hateful Tibbs. Now, Hall's acting career
existed in the first place because his enterprising dad churned out
cheap-os for the then-flourishing drive-in circuit and wanted his kid
to be a star, kind of a teen heartthrob. Watchable and energetic he is,
a heartthrob he definitely isn't. But Hall Senior (and Jr.) lucked out
on this picture to get, by chance, the great cinematographer Vilmos
Zsigmond (The Deer Hunter, The River, Close Encounters of the Third
Kind, McCabe and Mrs. Miller, etc.). To see what their oevure was like
without Zsigmond, catch (if you can find it) Eegah!, their best-known
work, featuring Richard Kiel, "Jaws" in some Seventies Bond movies, as
a monster caveman. Remarkably, delightfully awful: "The Crazed Love of
a Prehistoric Giant for an American Teen-age Girl!" A prehistoric giant
who can only say, over and over again for about a thousand times,
"Eegah! Eeegahh!" Where can you see this picture? Search me-- unless
K-Rob will show it. And you know, he just might. Yes, you never can
tell what you're going to see down on Old MacK-Rob's Thursday Night
Film Farm. Eegah, Eegah, Oh?
"Puzzling Evidence" -- For more than twenty years, this Church of the
SubGenius-affiliated radio show has been on the air on KPFA 94.1 FM;
its current time slot is 3-5 AM Friday mornings (you might consider it
late Thursday nights as we often do). I, Dr. Howland Owll appear along
with Dr. Philo Drummond (visit his website at
http://www.quiveringbrain.com ) and
on-board bored board operator Puzzling Evidence himself (The "Tash").
Sometimes K-Rob joins us, sometimes other Mystery Guests. Sometimes our
female guests, sometimes some that have been mentioned in these pages,
have been known (don't ask why) to take off their clothes, right there
in the studio, and bare their heavenly bodies...gulp! I don't know why
they do; I certainly never have request ed it-- it must be the weird
time of day... Too bad it's radio, eh? Still, all you sweaty listeners
can imagine... Maybe those girls have us confused with the Howard
Stern show. All Talk, No Rock. If you're up, give it a try, maybe call
in after 4:00 AM at (510) 848-4425...
"Radio KROB" -- Yes, the enigma known as K-Rob can be heard at a much
more accessible time, Fridays, 10 PM to Midnight on sf liberation radio
(webcast only) when he'll elevate you with his unique brand of
"elevator music," (an elitist pleasure) and on Sundays, 6PM to Midnight
on Pirate Cat Radio 87.9 FM for what he calls stimulus regression
programming. K.R., broadcasting from the always-innovative Dark Room
Theatre, promises to play some of his MP3-recorded "mixes" you may have
missed at our other shows, Dr. Hal fans. Experience the smoke and
flames; hear the cannon's roar. Go ahead, tune in-- see what all the
shouting is about.
Limited Run
"Emigré: Jewish Composers in the New World" -- As a part of the SFSU
Faculty Concert Series at Knuth Hall in the Music Building at SF State,
1pm-2pm, on Friday, Oct. 22, a 50-minute recital will be held. This
notice is for fans of the supremely lovely and talented Ariela
Morgenstern, who has one of the most profoundly thrilling voices (and
presences) now on the boards. She and her mother Inara Morgenstern will
perform together in this show, in beautiful sets by Darius Milhaud and
Erich Wilhelm von Korngold, and a smattering of Kurt Weill numbers to
boot. Not to be missed! Admission FREE!
"Chicken John's Chaos Cabaret"-- Friday, November 5th at Dante's in
Portland, Oregon; Saturday, November 6th at the Catwalk in Seattle,
both performances at 9PM sharp-- no kidding, there are so many
entertainers on stage that we'll have to operate on "real," rather than
"Chicken John" time. Essentially, Chicken John, Circus Showman and
Ringmonster Extraordinaire, will scoop up the entire talent pool from
the Odeon and take it on the road. This is a show five hours long
(bring a lunch), a stellar cast of 29 people and a medium-sized dog,
moving at a fast pace as a variety show should. First, K-Rob opens the
festivities with his specially edited mystic video collage/pictorial
'hypno-vision" eyeball-kick visual tapestry, not recommended for
epileptics or the too easily terrified. T hen, I, Dr. Howland Owll will
present my celebrated lecture/slide-show, The Dinosauriad, concluding
with the perennially popular "When Chasmosaurs Attack!" Then, doling
out the laffs, Will Franken hits 'em with his comedic phantasmagoria.
And before they can catch their breath, the audience is treated to the
easy-on-the-eyes glamour-dolls of synchronized dance troupe Sparkle
Motion. On and on it goes. You'll see avant-garde Country Music act
Toshio Hirano, the world's most skilled yodeling Japanese hillbilly!
Rocky Roulette takes it all off for the ladies-- the only stripper who
peels while pounding across the stage on a pogo stick! Magician Maxwell
Coldpepper will cast serious doubt on whether you're awake or dreaming!
The vocal stylings of Yasha! Slinky Samba dancer Kellita of the Hot
Pink Feathers! The incomparable Rubberboy will undergo his
anatomy-violatin g undulations and evolutions-- the Greatest
Contortionist on Earth-- and we have him! Not enough for you? How about
Loop! Station, sounding like a choir and an orchestra? Frisky Burlesque
sen-sa-tion Kitten on the Keys treats you to her playful, sexy
shenanigans, channeling Rusty Warren as she faultlessly bangs out some
of the best barrelhouse piano you've ever heard and (perhaps, if she
feels it's appropriate) simultaneously peels to reveal her captivating
charms! Odeon factotum and doorman Phoenix will present his act, "The
Lonesome Doorman" (with Ben Burke) and provide an ancillary Circus
Sideshow of his own! Oh, there's much more: devastating beauty Krista
Bray will quicken male (and some female) pulses as she stylishly
announces the acts (un)clad as Ring Girl, and the whole will be
memorably hosted by sardonic confusionist the great Chris Karney. With
to o many acts to set down here, Dammit the Amazing Wonder-Dog, still
going strong, and a concluding set by that dynamic musical group Sing
Along With Chicken & Hal. More stars than there are in Heaven, awesome
illusions, death-defying stunts, supernaturally beautiful women,
educational and memorable attractions, musical marvels, caustic
comedians, variegated visual vignettes, and one medium-sized performing
dog. Miss this one and you'll be kicking yourself in the head in
frustration all the way to your grave, and maybe even afterwards in
your tomb. Admission Price: an unbelievable $7.00! Note: for those who
for one reason or another can't go all the way to Portland or Seattle
(no excuses!) you'll be able to see essentially the same show right
here in good old S. F. It will be put on at the Odeon (natch) sometime
soon (minus my act, I regret to say, since I'll be doing a couple of
shows in New York wit h Zero Boy around this time-- sorry). Watch this
space for the announcement...
A Special Notice
I, Dr. Hal, have written a book and it does seem to be selling a
little; get it while you can, folks. It's The Meaning of Lost and
Mismatched Socks, from Frog, Ltd. (North Atlantic Books), written,
indexed, and packed with illustrations by Yours Truly. ("Cyberpunk"
author) John Shirley wrote it up with a good review, bless him-- I
think you can still read it if you access his backlog at his "blog" at
http://johnshirley.net
and then there was another favorable review on-line at boingboing.net;
look to see if you can still find it at
www.boingboing.net/2004/09/23/new_hal_robins_book_.html
Whoever wrote this inexplicably referred to my "high-pitched voice,"
but it's otherwise a good notice. And I have to say, I haven't
encountered anyone who's read the thing who disliked it... Now, in this
book, I finally answer a question originally put to me at "The Wizard
of Ass" out in the desert some years ago, as Chicken reminded me some
months back. You see, I eventually do get around to answering all
questions; with certain of these it just takes me longer, as in this
case. This book costs a cool $9.95, but all books are expensive these
days-- I can't help that. However, I'd hate to have written a "doofus"
book that didn't sell, for that would sully my already besmirched &
besmeared reputation even further. So, Dr. Hal fans, if you really are
out there, prove it by going out and getting this book. And if you like
it, you might want to get my next book, Dinosaur Alphabet (n ow in
preparation). But first things first. ISBN number 1-58394-097-9,
paperback (but the dinosaur book, which I'm working on now, will be a
hardback, if I can ever get it finished). Available in most bookstores,
I suppose, though perhaps somewhat hard to find, and on amazon.com.
Help an impoverished author, won't you? I'm going to have to sell a
mountain of these for my royalties to kick in; I have a terrible deal
with the publisher. I guess I need an agent. Hey, bring it to the bar
and I'll sign it. That's a promise.
Some of our "Favorite" Questions
"Dr. Hal, 'Why is a Raven like a Writing-Desk?'" This is one of those
questions that periodically pops up. One should just learn to expect it
in the question-and-answer business. It's not as unwelcome as that
other old (un)favorite, "Dr. Hal, How Much Wood Could a Woodchuck
Chuck..." That one too, by the way I have answered before (see the Dr.
Hal Report, Vol. II, No. 7: "Coordinated Casting Motions of Ligniform
Fragments in Marmota monax") and am doomed to answer again. Anyhow,
this famous riddle was first proposed by Lewis Carroll in Alice in
Wonderland, asked of Alice by the Mad Hatter at the famous Mad Tea
Party. Now, the fact is, and only those who have read Alice will
understand, the question isn't supposed to have an answer. You see, the
Mad Hatter was just messing with Alice's head. Don't tak e my word for
it; here's what Carroll wrote in 1896: "Enquiries have been so often
addressed to me, as to whether any answer to the Hatter's riddle can be
imagined, that I may as well put on record here what seems to me to be
a fairly appropriate answer, viz: 'Because it can produce a few notes,
tho they are very flat; and it is never put with the wrong end in
front!' This, however, is merely an afterthought; the Riddle, as
originally invented, had no answer at all." (Italics mine) But of
course when you say this you see disappointed faces out in the
audience-- they came expecting an answer, not some quasi-literary
sophistry. And I'm in the business of providing answers. So here are
some: Because the notes with which both are associated are not musical
notes. Because Poe wrote on both. Because bills and tales are among
their characteristics. Hmm... Not exactly side-splitting, e h? When
you become analytical, true humor flies away. What is funny must
contain an element of surprise. To dwell on a problem with intellectual
rigor is to extinguish whatever spark of laughter remains. But then,
humor may fly in again, through another window. Just as nothing ever
remains funny for long, nothing also ever remains un-funny for long.
See? See you at the Odeon!
Boilerplate
"Ask Dr. Hal" is ecumenical, eclectic and electric. It is open to all
seekers and thirsters after Enlightenment. Furthermore, special
consultations and hands-on initiations are available in private,
particularly for well-knit, gracile, nubile females over the currently
legal drinking age of 21. Everybody else, including would-be
prospective opening act performers, are asked to present their resumes,
life histories, astrological charts, nude photos, sob stories, requests
for handouts, X-rays, dirty linen, BVDs, VHS cassettes, CDs, DVDs
and/or audition tapes directly to warm-hearted "Chicken" John for
evaluation. I am unable, owing to serious demands on my time at
present, to give off-the-cuff psychological analyses, advise you in
legal, medical or personal matters, critique your poetry, artwork or
the manuscript of your novel, or perform an impromptu phrenological
examination. Sorry, I must refrain from answering questi ons when "off
duty." This is a period and condition which begins at the moment the
show ends and regularly lasts until the beginning of the next week's
performance. I'm not kidding, don't come at me with questions when it's
not Wednesday and I'm not doing the show. Otherwise, all are most
welcome. Step right up, no shoving, room for all. Not for the fearful,
tearful, fretful, regretful, self-obsessed or feeble-minded, nor for
cranks, fanatics, crank addicts, hysterics, epileptics, cataleptics, or
chronic dyspeptics (but we rarely turn away narcoleptics), young,
impressionable children or those who are no longer children but are
(too) easily shocked. Some restrictions apply. Easy to play. Follow all
directions. Be the first on your block to attend. We provide an Oracle
of Truth; you provide the consequences. Will tell you your Totem
Animal. Available in other venues, and for weddings, funeral s,
corporate entertainment retreats, bar and bat mitzvahs. Scientific,
educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive. Take cum grano salis.
Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain clothing. No complicated
machinery to buy. Anyone can play. Fun for the whole family (if, that
is, the whole family is of legal drinking age). Pencils, envelopes,
instruction booklets and question slips provided free of charge. No
pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets. Witty, bawdy, topical.
Hariolation and Hermeneutics a specialty. Reads tea leaves and
t-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells, locates missing objects,
heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit World, knows the Meaning
of Life and the secrets of human hearts in this world and the next.
Will design your tattoo. Available for Sex Magick. Bring your parents
and loved ones. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Reveals Past Lives
and Life of the Past. Acts involving Pugs and/or Chihuahuas need not
apply. Muscular tran svestites who do not disrupt the show are welcome,
however. The most amazing thing seen anywhere, I kid you not. A
co-production of the Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs Approved.
Ameliorates the Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of the hand, reads
by touch the bumps on the head and the uncovered female body. Brought
to you by Lucky Strike cigarettes (remember L.S.M.F.T.-- Lucky Strike
Means Fine Tobacco), and by the Miracle Liquor Fernet Branca, proud
sponsor of the Ask Dr. Hal show since 2001. From now on until the Beast
and the False Prophet are cast alive into the lake of fire burning with
brimstone, all questions instantly and irrevocably become the property
of Ask Dr. Hal, Hal Robins, Chicken John, and Nam-xo-beg-na-robork-la
nohrdh jincheck Productions. We retain the right to deflect
inappropriate questions and reject inappropriate questioners, abruptly,
firmly, forcefully, gleefully and at will. Attn. Missi on drunks: if
you try to disrupt our show, you will be "bounced." Although it is not
strictly necessary to pay to enjoy the performance, and payment will
not ensure your appreciation of the evening, all questions should
ideally be submitted in a regulation envelope containing an emolument
to receive the fullest possible consideration. The better (i.e. larger)
the emolument, the better (i.e. long-winded) the answer. A premium
emolument precipitates a "Bardic Recitation."No refunds given or
answers guaranteed. You pay for it, you get it. No one religion or
political party endorsed. If you don't see what you want, ask. Time
tested. User-friendly. Preserved for Posterity. Written up in the
weeklies. Taped for TV. Quoted at parties. Remembered in dreams, re-run
in your nightmares. Astrally projected. Alive in Living Memory.
Provides automotive information. The subject of after-dinner anecdotes.
Are you really actually reading this? You are? Good for you. We're not
for everybody, but what is? Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate
our Freedom to laugh our heads off at shows like this, so-- it's
important-- this November vote them out of office. Located in the
fibrillating, palpitating Heart of the teeming Deep Mission,
fashionably below Cesar Chavez (the street, that is). Read all
instructions (provided) before participating. Drink responsibly, but
heavily. Robust alcohol consumption recommended for full enjoyment.
Some of us can't drink at all, remember. Boy, do we wish we could.
Perhaps we will, by and by. 'Bye. And buy my book, won't you? Hint: it
makes a great Christmas gift. It's small enough to serve as a perfect
"stocking-stuffer." Husbands and lovers, get one in case you need
something fast to cover an "anniversary" of some kind. Distract her
with a dissertation on lost socks-- save the relationship. It actually
might make good Drachenfutte r (see the Dr. Hal Report, Vol. III, No.
1). And what about as a birthday present?
--
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
(4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected, Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com
For SubGenius Biz & Orders: call toll free to 1-888-669-2323
or email: jesus@subgenius.com
PRABOB