Playing Poker with Darth Vader

Correspondent:: (George Washington Hayduke)
Date: Fri, 08 Oct 2004 04:13:46 GMT

The Poor Man ( )

June 20, 2004
Poker With Dick Cheney
Transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker
game with Dick Cheney, 6/19/04. Start tape at 12:32 AM.

The Editors: We'll take three cards.

Dick Cheney: Give me one.

Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and
rearranged in hand. Non-commital noises, puffing of cigars.

TE: Fifty bucks.

DC: I'm in. Show 'em.

TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.

DC: Not good enough.

TE: What do you have?

DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.

TE: Can you show us your cards?

DC: Sure. One of them's a six.

TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game
is played.

Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated
overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far,
far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken
three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips.
In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards,
arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us
that Mr. Cheney's hand was already well advanced at this
stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one
card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one
card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at
least a full house.

Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for
the Administration right there. A very powerful performance.
My dad played a lot of poker in World War 2, and he taught
me many things about life. Read my book.

TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like
to see the cards, or else we can't really be sure he has
anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie
to us, but ... well, it is a very rich pot.

Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand
contend that "he doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal
critics? Cheney has already showed them the six of clubs,
and yet these liberals persist in saying he has "nothing".
Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"?
Is it because the six of clubs is black?

Matt Drudge:
The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal
flush, hearts. Developing ...

TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards
which beat 2 pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?

DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the
pot. It is important that things be done in this order,
otherwise the foundation of our entire poker game will
be destroyed.

TE: We aren't sure ...

DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.

Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush,
confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair.

TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.

Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain
that Dick Cheney's cards are not all the same suit.
Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always
whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It
seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long
as it damages Republicans.

A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage
in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing ...

TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and
ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of
diamonds. You have a ten high. That's nothing.

Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal
desperation, liberals now complain that a ten high is
"nothing". Does ten equal zero in liberal mathematics?
That would explain a lot.

Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently,
liberals have never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind
of straight, just with one card missing. But if you skip
around the missing nine, it's a straight.

Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.

TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".

Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker
like it's September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all
your cards in order to claim a straight. But, as we learned
on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect knowledge.
Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see
the patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis
of the type favored by the CIA and the State Department. Dick
Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for the
post-9/11 world.

Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of
twos? First they say one thing, then another. What are
they hiding?

Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight.
He was very careful about this. His cards can form many
different hands. None of these hands alone can beat a pair
of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all
possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking
the pot than simply screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!"
as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice President so
often do.

Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they
anti-Semites as well as racists? Developing ...

Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick
Cheney, and I hate liberals and Democrats.

William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's
poker hand? The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If
liberals are upset that we are no longer playing by the
Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly
lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th
environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam
Hussein's poker playing, which was a thousand times worse?

Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot
is divided up equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden,
and Hitler. Orwell would have seen this.

Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the
idea of conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because
it doesn't fit in with the radical homosexual/Islamist
agenda they hold so dear?

Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There
is no such thing as a "skip straight".

DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission
doesn't, and so I know for a fact that the cards in my
hand are all intimately connected.

George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a
nice man who would drink a beer with you.

Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings.

DC: My deal.

Posted by The Editors at June 20

| Hezbollah endorses George W. Bush:

Correspondent:: (The Last Liberal)
Date: Fri, 08 Oct 2004 16:40:57 GMT

On Fri, 08 Oct 2004 04:13:46 GMT, (George
Washington Hayduke) wrote:

> The Poor Man ( )
> June 20, 2004
> Poker With Dick Cheney
> Transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker
> game with Dick Cheney, 6/19/04. Start tape at 12:32 AM.


"Terrorism" isn't the enemy: George W Bush is!