Correspondent:: firstname.lastname@example.org (HellPopeHuey)
Date: 3 Oct 2004 21:29:32 -0700
There is a popular misconception that all men are pigs, when the truth
is that most of us are simply dogs: friendly enough, but often sloppy.
This aspect of masculinity can reach a high level of non-refinement
when focused on the kitchen. Although I'm a fairly steady proponent of
nice, healthy unbreaded chicken breasts, fish fillets and steamed
vegetables, I am not enough of a LIAR to claim that I have not engaged
in some ghastly gourmandhood. I don't stick out a pinky when I drink
my coffee and I don't give a damn about a festive spray of parsley and
carrot slices over cottage cheese. No, I quiver like a retriever who
has spotted the duck when you even SAY "pizza." Therefore, despite my
diligent forays into healthy eating at least every OTHER day, there
are those gooey lapses and if you say you don't have them too, why,
Daddy SPANK, you lying scum.
Despite the title, I'm not EVEN serious about offering traditional
Single Guys a cookbook. A large number of them are single with good
reason, among them being that a cookbook is on their Top 5 list of
things useful as shimmies for wobbly tables. No, its more of a
mini-diary describing things I have seen practiced all too often and
which decent people tend to avoid. Well, maybe not exactly decent, but
at least those with more than a nodding acquaintance with hygiene.
If you think the following descriptions are funny, you either ARE one
of these people and haven't a clue or you escaped from one and feel
light-hearted at the memory. Don't let your male children read this;
unless you are really on the ball, they'll be emulating it soon enough
and may already be well on their way, ugh.
Spaghetti al Dental
You're too lazy to really monitor the food as it cooks because you're
wrapped up in some monster movie, so you forget to set the timer and
dump the pasta out too soon. You might as well just wet it and eat it
like popcorn, because this method leaves it so crunchy, it scrubs your
teeth like a Milk-Bone. A great way to cut your gums or pop a filling,
which is extra-pathetic, since you've seen that movie 3 times before.
You also fail to leave the ready-made sauce in the microwave long
enough, so it gives you the runs because it wasn't heated to a level
that would kill off more than 12% of the nematodes. You blame the Mama
Graballsi Company for its lousy product, but hey, its not THEIR fault
you are brain-damaged.
Rack of Spam
You throw together anything resembling beef that's been lingering in
the fridge for less than a month. This might include half a sausage
patty and a piece of a Hot Pockets whose actual contents are hard to
define because its become so dessicated. You sometimes throw in a
little bit of old tuna casserole, figuring "What the hell, its protein
and the sauce will mask the fish." Sometimes its even true. You stir
it with a paint scraper because the sink is full of most of the things
a lazy single guy's sink is full of, including all but the one spoon
you'll wipe on your shirt to eat with. Then you throw it all out
because it tastes the way a semi-sane person would EXPECT it to taste.
Chili De Morte
Similar to Rack of Spam. Start with a can of commercial chili and use
the cheapest one you can find. The thicker the orange shell of sheer
grease on top when you open it, the better. The very idea that you
would use real stew meat instead of cheap ground beast that's more
pink than red and then add onions, tomatoes etc. in their fresh states
is laughable. You pour in a fistful of salsa and maybe the leftover
Mama Graballsi sauce you didn't squander on the Spaghetti al Dental.
You squirt several packets of Taco Bell sauce into it, as a rule. You
usually crumble into it a whole package of Ritz Crackers or half a bag
of half-stale Doritos and a bit of tabasco, if you are either feeling
adventurous or are too stoned or zoned out to consider the possible
aftermath. You squirt half a can of gooey cheese surrogate over it. If
you are 5% more on the ball than usual, you also nuke some broccoli in
a valiant but vain attempt to get some tangible nutrition into the
glop, but more likely because the chili will cover the taste of
vegetables, which as we all know, are horrible. You make an exception
by adding several jalapeno peppers because you want to give it some
You scarf down enough of it to serve 4 or 5 normal people and spend
the next morning with your anus under a cold tap running at full blast
because you are too stupid to remember the last time you did this same
thing. Fire comes out of it like Gamera in full flight. You go to the
store later that night and buy 5 more cans of chili. Repeat.
UnSalad with Lettuce
As mentioned, vegetables are awful, so your salad consists of as
little lettuce as possible drowned in a creamy dressing, croutons,
bacon bits and something resembling cheese sprinkled over the top. If
a woman is present, you might grudgingly add some olives and carrot
shavings to make it look legit, but won't eat tomatoes at all and see
cucumbers as nature's dildo rather than a food source.
Breakfast of Crampions
Here's the rotating lineup: semi-hard donut or other utterly
nutritionless pastry; generic corn flakes; suspect milk that's right
on the verge of developing lumps; 3-day old EggaMuffin; a nearly black
banana; and 3 gooshy red grapes.
If you are in a hurry, you sometimes pour orange juice and a "protein
power drink" into the blender and fling some or all of these other
ingredients in with it. A bug falls in but you decide its too small to
be a real threat to your health and may also have some protein in it.
In either case, by 11 a.m., your innards are gurgling like tenement
bathroom plumbing and you wonder if you have e-bola. You also win no
points for reheating last night's Chili De Morte. Breakfast is the
most important meal of the day, so by dinner time, you're not even
trying anymore, are you? Here's a tip: Mylanta is not a beverage.
Since you ARE a lazy SOB and will throw most any sort of food down
your gullet to avoid cooking for real, microwave popcorn is a major
portion of your so-called cuisine. As you have the attention span of a
gibbon, a bag of the stuff that calls for a maximum of 5 minutes on
high to get full poppage often gets 50 because you just jabbed at the
timer instead of setting it properly. Since you have never replaced
the battery in your smoke alarm, the first time you notice your
oversight is when the steenky black cloud of smoke interferes with
your viewing of the TV. You also never replaced the fire extinguisher,
so you put out the fire with a whole box of baking soda. For no reason
either he nor God can discern, you keep pouring the blackened popcorn
into the dog's bowl. Oh yeah, that'll work. Why do you think he keeps
pissing on your chair and any clothing he can reach? Aren't you just
the funnest little dickens?
The "Supreez" comes in when you get it right from time to time. The
landlord and EPA keep fining you because your kitchen has to be
steamed and scraped regularly. Mere mopping is pointless. Roaches call
you by your first name because you decorate with pizza boxes and
Burger King bags. Everyone else has to enter your digs wearing
snowshoes to avoid the bulk of the filth. You once ordered a Russian
bride through the mail, but when she saw your place, she mailed
herself right back and hey, she LIKES popcorn. However, she and the
dog agreed that you were hopeless.
You come home so inebriated, you grab the first can you see and put
it in the microwave for dinner. Sometimes you even open it first. The
part of your brain that retained the term "hand grenade" and what it
leads to died about a decade back, right after you ate the bad, bad
chicken. It doesn't matter much whether its wax beans, chili or fruit
cocktail, because its going to explode and start a fire regardless.
You go through microwaves and roommates the same way Laura Bush goes
through Xanax. Think I'm kidding? She's the one who gave George the
You stop eatin' that crap, get right with JAAAAY-sus and lose enough
weight that you receive the pleasure of ironic cussing as you replace
pants that became too loose. You start lookin' GOOOOD and people start
catering to you unduly. The world becomes your vaporware oyster, you
get a swelled head and start flipping those tacky 9/11 commemorative
Freedom Tower silver coins to kids like you were hot stuff. Three of
them gang up, push you in front of a bus, take all of the coins in
your stupid pockets, then mount your head on a wall where you can
never eat Chili De Morte again.
Few people can see genius
in someone who has offended them.
- Robertson Davies
"After a while, all you notice is the beauty."
You can't FIX it, so go here and learn how to ENJOY it:
Correspondent:: Frere Jean Bleu Date: Tue, 05 Oct 2004 12:59:34 +1000
On 3 Oct 2004 21:29:32 -0700, email@example.com
>Spaghetti al Dental
> You're too lazy to really monitor the food as it cooks because you're
>wrapped up in some monster movie, so you forget to set the timer and
>dump the pasta out too soon. You might as well just wet it and eat it
>like popcorn, because this method leaves it so crunchy, it scrubs your
>teeth like a Milk-Bone. A great way to cut your gums or pop a filling,
>which is extra-pathetic, since you've seen that movie 3 times before.
>You also fail to leave the ready-made sauce in the microwave long
>enough, so it gives you the runs because it wasn't heated to a level
>that would kill off more than 12% of the nematodes. You blame the Mama
>Graballsi Company for its lousy product, but hey, its not THEIR fault
>you are brain-damaged.
Tip on testing whether your spaghetti is cooked from another single
guy. Throw it on the refrigerator and if it sticks.... it's done.
If it doesn't stick
DO NOT PICK UP THE HALF COOKED PIECE OF SPAGHETTI.
Leave it one the floor for your cockroach friends to pig out on.
Cockroaches are cool for getting rid of kitchen scraps.
A recipe of my own..... tried and tested several times.
Freezer burn hot dogs: You like hot dogs & frankfurts are cheap at the
supermarket and you buy a heap of 'em. You'll throw them in a freezer
so you can have hot dogs any time you like. Supermarkets are
notorious for wrapping up stuff in paper when you buy in bulk from
their deli. Of course you're supposed to take the paper off and leave
it in the sealed plastic freezer bag. But you don't because you're a
lazy son of a bitch.
A couple of months later you're looking for something to cook. You
see a paper wrapped package and wonder what's inside. You take off the
paper and see that it's frankfurts . "Nah I don't feel like hodogs,
besides I've got no buns", you think and put them back in the freezer
in the freezer bag not sealing them and roughly putting the paper
around the pack.
The frankfurts are now exposed to the crappy freezer atmosphere and
start growing tepid ice crystals and turning a funny not orange color.
If you're one of those guys with a "frost free" freezer. The frost
will grow and thaw several times over. The fat globules in the
frankfurts seem to mysteriously rise to the surface and the skin turns
a bleached yellow..
One night in desperation you decide you'll have to cook the frankfurts
that have the smell of a decomposing mammoth that has suddenly found
it way to the Arctic sun when you pop them in the microwave......
Doesn't matter, you have chilli sauce to kill the taste and the
smell. Funny thing. You notice since you've been cooking for yourself,
how your chilli tolerance has improved with time.
You don't have hot dog buns...nevermind, have them on a couple of
slices of two week old bread with the mould spots scraped off.
Vegetables: Fresh vegetables are only good for compost or growing
other vegetables. Occasionally you'll get the urge to buy a heap of
vegetables which will turn a funny colour and smell in you crisper.
Those $40 vegetables are now a seething swarming mass of slime.
So you get smart and decide to buy frozen vegetables which suffer the
same fate as you frozen frankfurts.
Your vegetable intake from that point on is from beer hops.
Nachos a la solo: You buy some corn chips, sour cream, shredded cheese
and salsa. You eat the corn chips in a single sitting while watching a
movie.and throw away the other stuff later on. If you're lucky, you
can use the salsa on your hot dogs. If you're a total fuckwit you'll
reason the sour cream has gone off at the point of purchase and will
never need to throw it out.
> So, um... what's for dinner?
Last night Fish & Chips with some cocktail sauce with an expiry date
in Jun 2003. Expiry dates are tools of the CON. If it ain't moving,
you can eat it. And if it is moving, you can scrape the moving bits
off. Vitamin C intake was from the slice of lemon on the side.
Lunch was those asian noodle thingies. I've come across a brand with 5
flavour sachets. Don't even have to add frozen peas.
Fr J B
Correspondent:: firstname.lastname@example.org (HellPopeHuey)
Date: 5 Oct 2004 09:21:14 -0700
Frere Jean Bleu wrote in message news:<email@example.com>...
And people wonder why there are almost no WOMEN participating in this
group. Its simple: they run screaming when they see just the
appetizers, so there's no WAY the entree is getting a fair shake.
"You fed a baby CHILI?!"
- "Mr. Mom"
I'll just SEE yer Social Disaffection and raise ya
a simmering case of One Day He Just Exploded, Officer.
"If I were to lose my mind right now
and pick up one of you and dash your head against the floor,
right now and kill you, would that be right?"
- Alan Keyes (2004 Illinois Senate Republican candidate)
"I want you to suck my dick like you think the antidote is in it."
- Chris Rock
Correspondent:: Frere Jean Bleu Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 14:02:40 +1000
On 5 Oct 2004 09:21:14 -0700, firstname.lastname@example.org
>Frere Jean Bleu wrote in message news:<email@example.com>...
> And people wonder why there are almost no WOMEN participating in this
>group. Its simple: they run screaming when they see just the
>appetizers, so there's no WAY the entree is getting a fair shake.
> "You fed a baby CHILI?!"
> - "Mr. Mom"
LOL. Yeah thank God for cafes that serve coffee, salad, beer and
burgers in the pink world...
My usual phrase to g/f of the moment, "Let's eat out."
Fr J B
Correspondent:: nenslo Date: Tue, 05 Oct 2004 21:47:12 -0700
First kill and gut your Single Guy.
Correspondent:: Frere Jean Bleu Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 16:07:59 +1000
On Tue, 05 Oct 2004 21:47:12 -0700, nenslo wrote:
>First kill and gut your Single Guy.
Next........ hire a copy of Peter Greenaway's "The Cook, The Thief,
His Wife and Her Lover".
Correspondent:: "ArWeGod" Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 09:23:04 GMT
"Frere Jean Bleu" wrote in message
> On Tue, 05 Oct 2004 21:47:12 -0700, nenslo wrote:
> >First kill and gut your Single Guy.
> Next........ hire a copy of Peter Greenaway's "The Cook, The Thief,
> His Wife and Her Lover".
Eating Raoul. 'Nuff said.
Correspondent:: firstname.lastname@example.org (HellPopeHuey)
Date: 6 Oct 2004 20:32:11 -0700
Here's a great addendum to the drink section:
*1 half gallon of 8th Continent light soy milk, chocolate flavor
*200 ml of Hiram Walker Peppermint Schnapps (60 proof)
Pour the latter into the former; shake vigorously to mix.
Drink in two or three huge gulps.
Take a big swig of lighter fluid.
Wait 30 minutes.
Go to your ex-girlfriend's house, light your urine stream with a
Bic and WRITE YOUR NAME IN FIRE ON THAT GODDAMNED BITCH'S FRONT LAWN.
Well, that's one idea, anyway. Maybe dress up as Satan on Halloween
and do it to entertain the kids.
That's what you get when
your mama smokes during gestation
and then weans you on limes.
I loathe people who keep dogs.
They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg
"And God said:
You are not serving me, you're serving something else
Cause I don't need to be pleased, just get over yourself
You can't suck up to me, I know you all too well
But I don't dwell upon you, so get over yourself
Cause you're not praying to me, you're praying to yourself
And you're not worshipping me you're worshipping yourself
And you will kill in my name and heaven knows what else
When you can't prove I exist so get over yourself."
- Todd Rundgren, "God Said"
Correspondent:: polar bear Date: Sat, 09 Oct 2004 00:21:24 -0700
In article <416378CF.20005E1B@yahoox.com>, nenslo
Some Guys Prefer To Be Eaten Prior To Being Consumed.
"polar bear" wrote in message
> In article <416378CF.20005E1B@yahoox.com>, nenslo
>> First kill and gut your Single Guy.
> You're becoming waaaaaaay too predictable.