BOBAll SubGeniuses fall into one of the two primary behavioural categories: REWARDIAN or EMERGENTILE. All Rewardians, however, bear Emergentile traits to some degree, and vice versa.
BOBREWARDIANS seek timelessly to reward themselves for things they are "about to do" by piddling in pure Slack Abuse, 'getting by' with as little effort and as well-greased mistakes as possible on the Path of Least Resistance. No
longer interested in the Be-Here-Now, they prefer the "Be-There-Later." Often misconstrued as a totally unconstruc- tive, slothful lifestyle, Rewardianism is actually a Holy Quest for the sacred principle of Something for Nothing.
Rewardians strive (not very hard) to become perpetual motion machines, fueled only by the welfare of the Pink World -- which is to them but a phantasm, a mere illusion in this vale of nonexistent material things. If nothing else, they at
least become expert Floorsleepers and Tubemasters. A rich or industrious spouse is a welcome partner on this sacred road.

EMERGENTILES, on the other hand (the left, symbolically), follow the 'yoga' of the Anarchocapiltalist. They thrive on emergencies and make sure that their lives are filled with them. They prefer 'swimming upstream' and work best under panic conditions. They're always "punishing" themselves for fun they might have later. Were there no Emergentiles, the Rewardians would all starve to death, and this fact gives Emergentiles great secret satisfaction.

BOBThere are certain distinguishing characteristics much more common to SubGenii than to Normals. SubGenius Behavior Patterns are often (but not always, of course) punctuated with involuntary vocalizations and gestures that have long been misconstrued as neurological disorders, which they are not. Most of these characteristics are the result of vestigial Yeti musculature trying to flex and express itself.

BOBThese may include seemingly inappropriate shoulder shrugging, bizarre facial expressions, repeated throat clearing and coughing, grunting, barking and shrieking. Some SubGenii may experience palilalia and coprolalia, pyroflatulation, telekinetic metal-bend- ing, and multiple priapism.

BOBAlso, what might accurately be described as 'nymphomania' or satyriasis' in humans is, in a SubGenius, a perfectly natural response to other SubGeniuses. Only when humans are used does it become a perversion (technically, bestiality).


BOBLATENT SUBGENII are caterpillars stuck in cocoons. The SubGeniosity is uncultivated, but relentlessly there. 99.4% of Earth's SubGeniuses fall into this category. Only one simple thing will be required to push these countless millions over to "Bob": knowledge of his existence.
BOBRENEGADE SUBGENII are those who joined the Church and then took it out into 'left field': the radical sects, weird schisms, and super-zealots. Renegades ALSO include those who indulge in extremely SubGeniuslike practices without knowing what they are doing, or while calling it by some other name.

BOBROGUE SUBGENII are Latent SubGenii who repressed themselves until they hit fusion point, and then went too far.

BOBThe people at the TOP, the REAL top, of the Conspiracy are Rogue SubGeniuses who were seduced over to the expediency of the Conspiracy, the Dark Side of the Farce. The Conspiracy IS more DIRECT, and they can't wait for the Way of Dobbs to evolve in its sloppy way; they want to give things a push.

The True SubGenius, on the other hand, knows better. Following the Path of Least Resistance with Zen-like sloth, exercising true Time Control, we are more like the Pygmies who stand unmoving with their bows cocked for hours at a time, chewing on little amphetamine-nuts, so that when the rogue elephant finally does walk around the corner, WHAP -- the perfect shot, right in that viatl spot just above the right testicle... the poison on the arrowhead instantly paralyses the heart, and the elephant falls painlessly, a month's victuals for the thole tribe. That is the SubGenius way -- as opposed to the Conspiracy way, which requires radar, 9mm cannons, helicopters and smart bombs, and blows every elephant on the planet into so many pieces that future elephants can't even be cloned from frozen cell samples -- much less used as umbrella stands, carved geegaws or Pygmy food.